My "whine moment today." What's yours?

My avitar represents the Califorinia gold rush. This picture was taken in Jamestown Ca. Nothing to worry about. Don't you all have days when you are at the end of your rope.

Sharyn....I thought that might be it..lol...and yes I have LOTS of days like that...hence my "mooning" last night... :)

Susan...congratulations on your new grandchild. I do understand how much this must hurt...I don't have children...just my nephews, but with all the mess that transpired I have been x'd out of their lives and made to look like the villain...and , as you said...none of it is true. My heart has hurt so long over it and I have tried everything I know to do...and nothing seems to work..soooo...I have done what my Mama would tell me to do...do nothing to cause harm...and just turn it all over to God....

I have done that...and still am finding no answers...but I know that is all I can do...I will be receptive when, and if , they ever realize I am not the jerk I have been made to appear...it is beyond hurtful..I have cried so many tears over it that my heart literally ached physically afterwards...but when you do all you can (and I believe you have done that) then you have to be confident in your heart that all you can do is wait on the Lord....

I'm so sad you are hurting....for some reason guys don't see a lot of the pain they cause until a lot of damage has been done. My brother doesn't see it...the main reason we are close now is I have had to shove a lot of stuff down and just try to hang on to the knowledge I am trying as hard as I can to be a good sister and keep the peace in my family and the rest will be on them...I will have nothing to regret later...YOU will have nothing to regret...he has a new child..and I believe through that child he will begin to find his way home....(((hugs))) and prayers....everything is going to be ok....

Gershun, I have found that this person is so narcissistic that if you do bring up any issues, she turns it around and tries to make it about how overwhelmed she is or how many demands are placed on her, or how emotional and irrational you are being. When I retired some of my friends had a special dinner for me with invited guests only. I didn't want the fake ones you get from the administration at the school board. Everyone comes for the cake and time off from their jobs and someone makes some speech or does a slide show about you in silly poses of retirement. No thanks, I'll pass. Especially since there was some backstabbing going on.
So they had a special dinner for me and my supposedly "best friend" was unable to make it first due to a work commitment on a Friday night and then her son was really in a motorcycle accident.
Well I reached out to see how he was and check to see if I could do anything and she said no, but she wanted to get together for lunch when things calmed down. That was the beginning of December. I have called her a few times and left messages. She finally called me back in January to ask me if I could do some work for her as a consultant. My mother was in the hospital with pneumonia! She would have known this had she looked at my Fb or called me. Mom was in the hospital on Christmas, so if she called me to say Merry Christmas, she would have known this. When I said I couldn't, she copped an attitude, because she is soooo overwhelmed and I never say no to her. Well that kind of gave me a big sign. I have since made a conscious effort to distance myself from her and realize that once again I was being used. I never take that too hard. I understand being a kind person opens you up to abuse but it also draws other kind people to you. It is definitely worth the risk. A 17 year friendship pretty much in the tubes.

Shar I understand. I'm pretty selective now on who I let into my life. I've had two long term friendships end because I ended them. I simply got tired of my feelings not being considered. They would walk across me if I was standing between them and a man they had their sights on.

I've always been a very loyal friend and it does hurt when your so-called friends don't return the favor.

Susan, my heart breaks for you. My stepson also has a similar history and I believe he is still using. We always know when he is using because he doesn't communicate with me at all and his communication with his father is minimal.i would have given anything for his mother to have been as responsible and plugged in to his life as you are with your son. She just felt that we"did discipline better than her" and she used that as an out for any rules or boundaries.
He too has a first born that he announced with great pleasure and we were very happy although it was not the best of circumstances. The closer the baby got the farther he ran, leaving his girlfriend and hooking up with some junkie stripper 7 years older than him. The baby is 9 months old and he has never seen her, nor paid one cent toward her support. We are fortunate in that we had a good relationship with the girlfriend when they were together and I nurtured it as she was going through the pregnancy without her. We are blessed to be a regular part of her life as well as regular babysitters for our granddaughter. I feel terrible for his mother at times because she isn't allowed access to the baby because she publicly made negative comments on Facebook and in text messages and really alienated herself from the baby's mom because she is afraid to ever not blindly support her son.
I am so sorry that you are feeling sad about this baby, but after it is born, I would suggest that regardless of your current relationship, you go and visit them with a gift for the baby. The longer you go without seeing him, the harder it will be. It is pretty easy to go to visit in the maternity wards these days. Yes you have to check I but they don't keep a list of who can visit and who can't. I will be praying for you

Susan, You are in my thoughts and prayers and many {{{Hugs}}} to you. I do hope things works out. Maybe you could go to the maternity ward like Sharadale said.

Susan, start your grandchild's collection of cards and letters now as though everything were tickety-boo, keep it in a box, and then in later years, God willing, you'll have it all ready to present to the child himself. I know it's not the same, but at least it will demonstrate to the future young person that his grandmother was keenly interested in him from the beginning.

What a terribly sad thing you're having to go through. I'm so sorry.

Thank you all...he arrived early this morning, and she posted some pictures with a public setting, so I was able to see him. He is tiny, and if I had to judge by his appearance, I would say there might actually be something wrong...but maybe that's just the worrywart in me. I don't know what hospital they are in, and it's quite possible that my son may have blocked me from visiting (and yes, they can do that) - and to be honest, I have no desire to be where I'm obviously not wanted.

I have reached out many times, both in anger and in love, trying to get him to wake up, to no avail. He just keeps shutting me down. The only way he wants anything to do with me is if I ignore the fact that he has another child he is not supporting in any way, and if I have money or something material to give him - otherwise, he has no use for me. It's sad, but I've had to come to terms with that fact over the past few years. When I finally woke up and realized that he would never change, and would always try to hurt and use me to get what he wants, I stopped being the doormat and told him he was on his own - that there would be no more help from me, because he kept lying to me in order to get his own way. I found out he was lying to me about paying child support for his first child - he did that so that I would help him with money for groceries, etc. (I took him shopping, didn't give him money - I knew better than that already.) I was also buying clothing, diapers, wipes and toys for his child to help out. Turns out he never paid anything unless I was right there making him hand over the money to the child's mother - so he has paid about $300 total over the course of this child's life - and the child is now 2-1/2 years old. When I found out my son was lying to me about paying the support, I stopped helping him - and he stopped talking to me - and then he went and got together with his current girlfriend and she became pregnant. Occasionally, there is a garnishment that shows up on the child support site (my grandchild's mother sends me screenshots to show he still hasn't paid anything), but then it drops off the site - so we assume he is taking a job long enough to make a little money, and then when the state catches on to the fact that he has a job and starts garnishing his wages for the child support, he quits and moves on.
I still send boxes to my grandchild with clothing and such to help out.

Sorry, long story, and there's a lot more to it - drug abuse, alcohol, a failed attempt at rehab and a failed attempt at living in a sober living house, quite a bit of theft and crime - so at this point, I hope he has gotten past all that and is living a decent life, but to be honest, I don't think that's the case. I think he's constantly running and hiding and avoiding being seen by someone who may inform the courts where he is, because there is a bench warrant out for his arrest on the child support arrearages (over $6,000 now and going higher because he won't pay).

Anyway...back to the joys of caregiving....this site isn't really the place for this story, sorry. I just needed to talk and have no one here to talk to much - the dog doesn't understand human woes!

I broke down and called the hospital where I thought they would probably be, and they were. My son answered the phone when my call was transferred to her room, so I was able to talk to him for a few minutes. It went ok...not great, but ok. I congratulated him on the baby, and asked if we could stop all this foolishness - he said yes, but the rest of the conversation was strained. He was talking very low, and I can't be sure if it's because his girlfriend was sleeping or because he didn't want anyone to know who was on the phone. He did tell me he loved me and missed me. I told him I was sorry that I had had some angry words and hurt feelings over the child support situation, but that until I knew he was taking care of his responsibilties regarding his first son, that my stance on that was never going to change, and that I would never stop talking about my grandson (his son) in his presence, nor would I ignore that he exists. I told him he had missed a great deal that has happened in our family over the past year, and all he said was, "Really?" and didn't ask me to elaborate - so I didn't. I told him the ball is in his court now - I reached out to congratulate him on the baby and told him I would have liked to have been there for the birth - and that if he wants us to be involved in his life, he knows where to reach me - and that if I don't hear from him, I'll know the answer.

Might have been the wrong way to approach it, but at least I got to talk to him.

Susan...sounds like an excellent start! Reading all of that actually I think it went extremely well considering all the things you mentioned having happened. I can't help thinking this child's mother also hopes you can be part of their lives or else she would have fixed the setting so you could not see??? So glad you got to talk to him..I know that brings some degree of peace...May it be the beginning of a lot of new and exciting moments...

Thanks Hope...we now return to our regularly scheduled programming...thanks for letting me vent.

I don't see what else you could do, Susan. It could be that things went on with his Child 1's mother that you don't know about and that might make your hair curl, but who knows since he's not saying? And meanwhile all you can know is that he is putting himself in the wrong, and you're right to refuse to overlook it. I'm glad you called the hospital - that's not a breakdown, that's a constructive and positive action! When you know he won't budge, one of you has to be the grown-up after all, plus you got to hear some good things:) I hope it gets better from here, hugs.

I know pretty much what went on with child #1's mom - she does have some issues, and those are ongoing, but that doesn't mean he doesn't need to support the child he fathered. If he doesn't want to be part of his life, fine, but he needs to help support him since he helped create him. That's my big sticking point here.

I hope it gets better too!

This is a little different i know...but my brother's first wife was, let us say, a doozy (to be polite) Oh wow, she was mean...MEAN.....and the longer they were married the meaner she got...His and her biggest mistake may have been dragging all the family into their mess from all angles...I guess a lot of that coming from they were much younger then...but wow...what a nightmare..you can't help take sides when it gets that ugly, especially when she began to attack my Mama, who was always kind to her...never said a harsh word, even when, imo, she would have had full right to demand her out of the house...but my parents tolerated that bad behavior and all it did was make me an angry person...seeing my brother allow that garbage in my parents home was insane....I definitely agree that you are in the right in expecting him to step up and care for the child he was part of creating....I guess that's what I'm trying to say in all that...but men also seem to gravitate towards those spouse deals...and I guess rightly so, although I would never allow my spouse to treat my flesh and blood family the way he allowed this woman to do...

Now, with the second one..she is not as bad as the first one for sure..at least she just stays away...she is selfish and judgemental..but big deal, I can handle that...BUT...I think there is a LOT of other stuff going on in the background that this time around, he is not going to make me privy to, because he knows I am a no holds barred person when it comes to protecting my family and now esecially with my Mama in the fragile state she is in...he just stays quiet about it...

I guess that's why I feel sad for him..I think in my heart I can see he is hurting...but I am not going to pry until he wants to talk about it..and then only to the extent he wants to..but he knows that I am protective of him...in spite of his having abandoned us...I do love him and that will never change...

Where was I going??? wow....I start rambling and I just go on and on and on....hopefully I made a point somewhere in there....maybe I should read it before I post it.....

Susan, I'm so sorry you are hurting right now, and that you have made the first step in putting things to right with your Son, and Congratulations on your new Grandie! I know that you would like to nix this conversation, but we do all have some degree of history with simular situations, even if only peripheral, and we all learn from your story, as well as wish to give you friendly suggestions. Here are mine, one loving Grandma to another. Now that your Son has this new baby that he is learning to love and be responsible for, hopefully with some time he will come to the realization that this child has a sibling and how important their future relationship as well as his own depends on his actions. This new little life will hopefully have a profound impact on his sensibilities and soon, and he will step up and start making the efforts to make sure that he preserves this future relationship. I would say to you, to allow him a little time, then only hint very carefully when you can, that a few thousand dollars isn't worth destroying that sacred relationship over, that this situation can be rectified if he confronts his responsibilities head on, and then everybody wins, especially the children. Your timing of these little hints is everything, and eventually he will understand that you are right in this. I pray that your Son realizes how important it is to honor his children's relationship with one an other, and that his children's relationship with You is such a gift to behold, but in the meantime, all you can do is be available for both parties and babies, and guide him to do the right thing, carefully so as to not push him, as this will probably be a delicate dance. I know you are in a precarious situation, as you are involved in your 1st grandchilds life, but If there was a way that you could confide in the child's mother, That you are doing everything you can to help your Son do the right thing, eventually, but without any promises, and that you will of course always be there for grandson #1. Gosh it is such a complex thing, and I'm so sad this is happening for you right now.

Susan, that really is heart-wrenching - but at this point, you have said what needed said and repeating won't help. It is now the court's business to get him to pay child support, not yours. Be there when you can, know that you are doing the best that can be done, and avoiding enabling in any way - and the fact that he loves and misses you counts for something, which may awaken a desire in him to do better. The waiting for that to happen really does suck though. I've for sure had my times when I've felt like Monica praying for Augustine :-) and so far my daughter is back to church, not "our" church but a church full of loving friends, and just got a paying job again after I cut off some credit card access she was abusing. My son is still needing some prayers - well, hey, aren't we all?

No, I completely agree, it certainly would not mean he doesn't owe that child support - I just wondered if it might explain why it's painful for him to discuss in a more excusable way than that he just can't be bothered with it. No part of it is the child's fault, after all, is it? Poor little mite.

Well, things are improving bit by bit. I called again and talked to my son and I asked if I could come see the baby, and he welcomed me too, and said that they had planned on bringing him to see me when she got out of the hospital, so that's the plan - they'll come visit when she is recovered. (They aren't close by and it would be hard for me to get there with my current schedule.) Hoping this is the start of good things ahead.

Susan, I am so glad that he wheels of change are in motion.praying for a continued change.

Oh SUSAN, that is AMAZING! Just you taking that first step and already So Much Healing has taken place! I pray he takes your lead and continuous towards the next step in, well Stepping up! I really think that he will see that little face and realize exactly what he has been missing with #1, and the relationships that he is going to be responsible for restoring, and I'll just bet that it starts becoming a bigger priority to him now. Oh, I do hope so! Good luck and Congratulations, things are happening!

Susan I am happy for you that you reached out and so far things are going well.

I would proceed cautiously though. I know you probably know that already. But so far, so good right? Good for you!

Oh Susan..that is wonderful!!! Hopefully the start of many good things to come!!!

oh yes, Gershun - half my heart hopes, the other half hides behind the door, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Now I'm dealing with grandchild #1's mother, who is in a snit...predictably. (Banging head on desk over here...)

Yes Susan I hate to be negative but I've learned over the years to not let my hopes get up too high. Especially in situations where I'm not totally in control of the result.

I just don't want you to be disappointed. But small victories right?

It seems quiet on here tonight......I think they said Falcon is getting some much needed rest....hopefully...hope her Mom's ok....I haven't seen ladee or Jeanette in a couple of days...I am so used to seeing everyone on here that when someone doesn't appear it leaves such an empty place, doesn't it.....

Mama has been so quiet today...didn't respond to me at all....that scares me too..it scares me when she is over the top active, then when she is like this...I guess it's the highs and lows that throw me for a loop...but she seems to be resting comfortably and did eat plenty by early afternoon, so I guess she can get a pass on not drinking another ensure tonight....

My sweet pup is home from her spay surgery and bless her heart she is not feeling good...I am so upset at myself for not getting something for pain from them. Where was my head...they always give something for pain...I should have caught that...but they had already closed by the time I noticed....I know I am slipping when I don't catch things like this.....

Already closed the house down and moved to my room just off Mama's space....didn't want to disturb her with noise. I may look up a good old scary movie and as usual I will fall asleep about 10 minutes into it, but it's a relaxing way to fall asleep...I think we may have storms later on tonight, so keeping my weather alert gizmo beside me, just in case...I usually sleep through that stuff too though...It's funny how I wake up to Mama sneezing or clearing her throat but can sleep flat through a tornado warning....

Hope everyone gets a good nights sleep...

Well it is very late here in the Pacific Northwest, 1:31 a.m. my husband got a bug up his butt and decided he wanted to go for a drive, and we did and ultimately ended up at the furthest casino away about an hours drive. But it is my favorite and we each went in with $50, & I came out with a hundred! I am so happy, I never win. We even took Charlie our puppy with us, as she is so little, I snuck her in under my open flannel shirt, but everyone is always happy to see her, & I can't believe they don't kick us out! Lol. I have her in a little red vest that attaches to her leash, so she looks like a little service dog, although I don't know what type of service she would be appropriate for, maybe seizures or stress and anxiety. So we hit the Wendy's Drive thru and got frosties and $0.99 chicken sandwiches, and boy are they ever good! Now we are getting tucked into bed and will watch some mindless TV until I fall asleep, God I hope I can stay asleep tonight as I am tired!

I hope everyone had a good, restful night.

I woke up to more messages from grandchild #1's mother, who has some mental/emotional issues, and at one point yesterday was urging me to reconcile with my son so I could see grandchild #2 - only to backpedal big time once she realized we had actually reconciled. She went back to telling me I couldn't post pics of GC1 on FB until my son *asked* her if he could see him, because he abandoned him. I get it. I know she's hurt and angry and trying to look out for her son, but trying to control what I post on FB is going to accomplish exactly nothing. My son hasn't even unblocked me on FB at this point, and she's going ballistic over the possibility - the merest chance - that he might see pics of his son. Trust me, I get why she's being so controlling - part of it is mental illness, part of it is anger over the unpaid child support - but why punish me for it? Sheesh. Like I need any more drama in my life. I told her I was done discussing the matter and that if my son wanted to see GC1 he would obviously have to ask her first. End of story.

Did anyone ever figure out what the social media buttons are for on here now?

I wonder why God allows lingering...its so hard to watch and watch the one you love with all your heart go down and down and down day after day,year after year and always wonder if youll find them gone.I guess its because there are more lessons to be learned for those around the dying...I dont know...

Today,Compassionate Touch will come to rub Mothers back at 2:00 and her oxygen will be delivered.The messes around me,depress me to no end because there isnt enough of me and I never stop and never get done but I will trudge on.
Hope,I hope your puppy is feeling better today after being spayed.
Just venting,thats all...thanks.

Luckylu, I feel your emotional pain, watching your loved one die slowly is so hard to watch. I wish I could say the right words to comfort you, but I know they will be inadequate. Maybe there is a preparation process for the one who is dying. Maybe for one reason or another they are not ready to die. I think that sleeping a lot is a blessing in a long term palliative state. I am hoping that on some level it provides some form of anaesthetic relief, like an altered state of consciousness. What gave me comfort when dad entered his final phase was praying the Divine Mercy Novena silently to myself while I sat with him. It's very powerful.