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Salisbury,Thanks for the advice. I have been doing all those things, but I don't want to see a therapist. I feel enough people have cashed in on this misfortune! Maybe I just need some time alone to process everything and I don't want to have insurance start paying for a therapist when my husband plans to change jobs and switch companies etc. There is a lot of change going on in my life, yet it seems to remain the same. My depression is situational and no therapist can change the situation. I am tired of hundreds of people being witness to a bad situation since my Mom began her rapid decline last year. For a person who is normally very private there has been just too many people! And I don't like people feeling sorry for me so this has been hard to take.
I just have to change my outlook. I have been feeling pretty down the last few days but I just move forward. I am eating ok and exercising some. I am thinking the changing seasons make me feel like life is passing me by. I got this way at the beginning of Spring and Summer and then I feel better after awhile and hopefully this blue period will pass. It is just hard when there is never anything to look forward to and everything to dread.

That "we" thing almost sounds condescending and I can see how it could make a lot of people mad! Last I knew "you" and "your" we also plural in the English language so if I were a server I would ask "How was your dinner?" to the whole table!

I am off to drink some water....I hope everyone has a peaceful evening and sorry about the long whine....I will get over it. {{Hugs}} to you all!
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Katie there is no such thing as a long whine. When it comes to whines the longer the better I say. I always feel more down when September starts. Probably cause I used to dread going back to school when I was a kid.
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Anyone heard anything about Veronica? I can relate to the "We" syndrome.Apparently my mother thinks I can be in several different places at one time. Now for my long vent,I really need this and appreciate each and everyone of you guys because you guys understand this journey.Yesterday was to be the day my mom would get her steroid injections for her back. However,last Wed. I had to take her to her surgeon that did her lumpectomy because that breast had become really red and swollen,(the one I had begged her to have removed in March so she wouldn't possibly be exposed to general anesthesia again at age 79).Well,he tried aspirating from it and got nothing, not running a temp but you can still have an infection,started on oral Antibiotics which as of today the breast still looks swollen and very red,we see the surgeon in the AM.However,yesterday she was supposed to get her steroid shots in her back for her osteoarthritis.A usual 40 minute drive turned into 2 hours because of road work and once we got to the pain clinic they did get mother to the back but the whole time I knew the MD would not do the procedure because of the way her breast looked and the fact that she was on antiobiotic. I worked in the OR, they won't operated on known infected people unless to do so would cause immediate harm,but mother doesn't listen to me so I stayed stuck in traffic so I could get her to the MD and him tell her the same thing I did.So she didn't get her steroid injections(thankfully her back is better so not so much a catastrophe).Now tomorrow we go back to the surgeon and some hard decisions will have to be made.That breast has got to go,sorry. I begged her in march when they did the lumpectomy to just have the breast removed, I knew down the line it would cause problems if not removed,now she is probably going to have to face general anesthesia again at age 79.It is so frustrating with my nursing background, it's like watching someone drown and you are throwing them a life preserver and they keep throwing back at you saying I don't need it as their head goes under water.Now she is all emotional this evening after looking at her breast and started that "we" business, "well we just didn't know better back in march" what the what! What we? I begged her to have it removed, explained the possible problems down the line if she didnt' which unfortunately I am right again(I hate being right).A decision is going to be made tomorrow or we aren't leaving the MD's office until a game plan is agreed upon.She needs those steroid injections to help keep her mobile and help control the pain of her osteoarthritis.For right now I have given all the emotional support I can but I am also angry that she didn't listen to me in March. I think I am more afraid of the effect of the general anesthesia which could have been avoided if she would only LISTEN to me.Just really frustrated right now.
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TIMBUKTU, oh I am sorry to hear that about your Mom, did she have a previous Cancer in that breast, or the other one? Yes, , 79 is worrisome going under anesthesia, does she have lung issues? I dont know why old people get so stuborn. Are we going to be like that? lol! Oh and the 'WE Thing', my FIL always response to the waitress when she asks if any one of us would like an alcoholic beverage, No, WE Don't Drink! Uhem, excuse me, I drink! I can't stand it when he does that! I like to answer for myself, thank you! I hope your Mom feels better!
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she had cancer in the left breast ,had the tumor removed and 27 lymph nodes removed. She only takes Herceptin and femora, due to her balance issues, she is a big fall risk,the oncologist opted not to give strong chemotherapy as he was afraid the side effects would worsen her mobility and really set h er up for a fall.She also has sleep apnea.
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I used to be a counselor, before I became a teacher. I worked in drug rehab and also worked with de institutionalize chronic schizophrenics when they were all released from the state hospitals back in the early eighties. So when things got tough with my stepson, The frustration I felt when no one would listen to me, a professional in drug rehab and children with emotional problems, I got so pissed off and depressed. I was ready to divorce my husband and run away from all the enablers. So I went to a counselor. She was much younger than me and told me all the stuff that I already knew. Know I go to the psychiatrist for the anti anxiety mess that I have to take and he doesn't really care much what I say because he says I actually am doing really well considering what I am dealing with. Lol.
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katie222,

If all those people are around, how about them taking care of her for a while and giving you some time off? That sounds good.
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Veronica, best wishes for your continued recovery!
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Veronica, Please get well soon. We all miss you on here and are hoping for a speedy recovery!
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Spammers!
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Salisbury, No one nearby would do such a thing as to help or come sit with my Mom, and most of the people are far away,( or I know them just on a professional basis), and they would absolutely run in terror if I asked them to do this!
I was angry and disappointed at first at some of the "friends" I have known for nearly 40 years, but now these people's weakness in this matter has been exposed and I am at the point where I am amused yet sad at the same time about their character .My husband pointed out that these people don't even take good care of themselves let alone another person. I am seeing that when they will have something with their own health they are not going to be capable of doing much for themselves and didn't for their own mothers.One person's sisters had to take over their Mom's care. I am thinking we all know someone like this in our lives, unfortunately.

Luckylu and Timbuktu, I am hoping things get better with your Moms. I know it is rough as is and then these things come up and it is another thing we have to manage. I am wishing for things to get better for you both, and for everyone on here.

Our nurse is coming today to change Mom's urinary catheter. That is not an easy event and I will be glad it is done. Mom is also eating less and now is not drinking as much as she did before and I worry about her getting another UTI if she won't drink enough cranberry juice. The capsules caused bladder spasms last time I gave her one.
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Babalou, I have been getting a lot of spam lately too.
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Katie, I understand what you mean about the folks who do come and asking them to sit for a while and let you go somewhere......hahahahahahahahahaha.....I think most of them not only would not WANT to do it, they would not offer, and would be afraid to do it...but most of them just don't want to do it. When this first began, I can remember thinking if I could just get a weekend every couple of months I could do it...that was over three years ago...the last time I was away for a weekend, my brother called me so much towards the end and pushed me to hurry and get home , etc. etc. it ruined my whole time "off"....now if I get an hour and sometimes I get a whole hour and a half ...but I think that was last year...I can't remember........

I'm sorry your Mom is still having problems and now you may have to deal with a UTI. Apparently that is what Mama's problem was..She is doing so much better and this morning actually had a fun little conversation with me and was smiling and laughing again...I just put my arms under her pillow and her and "squoze" and hugged her and it felt so good. While I was doing that she said "yay" in the sweetest little voice...Moments like that are worth all the rest of it ... :)
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Hope, I am happy to hear that your Mama is doing so much better and is smiling and laughing. That is so priceless!
Hospice offers 5 days respite...but I think that I am in such a routine that it would be hard to send her to respite and if and by the time I get relaxed again it would be time to return and get the routine going again. I am at the point where I think it would be stressful and more of an ordeal to break routine and I would worry about her in the respite place. I get an hour or so here and there and that is as good as it gets. it seems that others and some people's siblings just can't do what we do. It makes us way stronger than most people I like to think.
Mom's catheter change went well and I am glad that is done.
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Katie, when my Mom became bed fast and on Hospice care, she was living with my eldest sister who had a long time vacation planned to go to THE uK for two weeks, so it was decided that she would go, as she desperately needed the break. I followed the Cabulance to the hospice Hospital, and it was a beautiful place run by the CATHOLIC CHURCH! But we were in the middle of a really bad hot spell and Mom ended up stuffed in a corner behind a curtain and furthest from the window, it was awful. I immediately decided to bring her back to my sisters home which was already set up for her hospice care, it took two more days to make all the arrangements, and I had to arrange my time off work. But with all my siblingshelp, we had her back home where she was comfortable, and my one sister and I stayed with her the rest of my eldest sisters vacation, and she was none the wiser, and enjoyed her vacation. I just couldn't leave her there. I am glad we did it, but I had a tremendous amount of help to make it happen too! I remember those catheter changes, eeww, I was surprised how gunky they got after one week. There was so much crummy things my poor Mom had to endure in those last 6 months of her life, especially the pain from her Cancer which had spread to her pelvic bones, it was terrible having to move her so that she didn't get bed sores. I know just what you guys are going through, but I swear in the end you will be rewarded with knowing that you did the very best for them, and God will reward you for your sacrifices, not that I mean you resent it, but in the here and now, it Is So Difficult, but later on, you will know that what you are doing is extremely important work that not everyone ever gets to do, and they are the one who are missing out on learning what being selfless really is, and that is such an important life lesson, so let those people go out and get those fancy cars, clothes, and vacations, one day they will be in a predicament, and then they will be surprised just how hard life can really get and you will be able to say, oh ya, I've been there, Sorry, I do hope you have someone to help you! But now I'm off to enjoy my life because I deserve it! Well, we'll see, I sure do hope so anyways! I know that sounds selfish, but dammit, I want to feel selfish for once! I've been Caregiving for 15-20 years now, and I'm tired and want a normal life for a change! There, that's my Whine for the day! Whew, I feel better now!
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Katie..I hear you re the respite care. I am thankful that the first time around that went ok because I had to get my belongings out of my home because I had to sell it and fast, but this last time, it truly was more hassel than not doing it at all..and it does kind of change my established routine and so that made it kind of hard to. I hate to keep going on and on about how awful the last time was because I do think it's a valuable thing to have, I think more often than not everything goes smoothly and it's great to know that option is there if you need it...but it was a real mess for me and I don't know that I would ever be able to let Mama go to someone else's care again...a lot of that is on me, and I know it, but just like this last bout with the UTI, I know her and her "signs" so well, that thankfully I can kind of get on it quickly ..I just don't trust others with her care...

So as I sit here and type I am seeing why I am probably a pill to deal with when it comes to helping me...but the sad fact is, I have actually asked for help here and there (because I was told ...now if you need me you better call me) so I did...they just failed to tell me the last part...just be sure it is something I want to do, it is not getting in my way of doing fun things, and you will need to praise me until the day you die..... I'd rather just handle it myself...
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Mom told yet another Caregiver to go home, she doesn't need their help... [sigh].

Long story short, Mom [97] either fell or felt lightheaded and went down. My parents still live in their own home that has stairs. Seemed so odd seeing Mom on the floor, normally it is Dad who is horizontal with the world. 911 and quick hospital stay. Mom is back home like nothing ever happened, she recovered in lightening speed.

Doctor said she needed someone there with her 24 hours as she is now a fall risk. Mom said Dad is there to help her.... hello, Dad is also in his 90's.... so I ordered professional in home care. Oh my gosh, you'd think I had set their house on fire... Mom disliked everyone... Dad liked everyone but Mom rules the roost and is in clear mind to make her own decisions so I had to cancel the contract. I also wanted a whole house cleaning service for Mom but now won't do that, I'll send them to my house instead :)

I will order a medical alert fall thingee for Dad... just hope he doesn't take it apart to see how it works :P He ruined one of Mom's hearing aids doing that recently.
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"...just be sure it is something I want to do, it is not getting in my way of doing fun things, and you will need to praise me until the day you die....."
Ain't that the truth, especially the bit about praise me until the day you die. Sometime the price of all that 'free' help is just too much to pay!
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cwillie...OMG......yep, and if you don't, said person will remind you of the time they did this or that and "now aren't you glad I came"...and in my head I'm thinking, no actually you made such a mess it would have been easier on me had I just stayed home...but instead I just give them my "meh" smile.... ggggggggggrrrrr.

FF....what is it about our folks or maybe it's just that generation, that just cannot keep from taking stuff apart to see what makes it work...or finding new and creative ways to use elder help thingees. My Mama would get me for telling this, but I bought her one of those "grabber" things to reach high up things way back before she began having all the other issues...... well, she decided it made a great poop picker upper from her cats litter box....I wasn't here to see when it happened but the snooty SIL came here one day (way back before I moved home) and caught her picking out the poo with the grabber...she almost went into orbit...knowing how horrific I knew SIL thought it was, I got a kick out of it...
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Stacey, You are so right, and thank you for your kind words. Someday some of these people are going to be shocked at what life and reality may bring to them and they will realize what we have been able to get through and marvel at what strong people we are.

Freqflyer, the fall alert button is a good idea...just hope it does not come apart easily!
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FF, I ran into the same problems with my parents. Other sibling arranged for house cleaning which Mother liked but Father went into a snit over. In the end only one room in the house got cleaned and any further house cleaning cancelled. Funny, just when you think you are doing them a favour they treat it as it's a criminal offence.
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I despise when people try to hold things over your head, although it hasn't happened to me much, I do understand and agree that would really piss me off! Those type of people aren't worth the effort of ever trying to please! I hate that YOU OWE ME mentality! If it was a genuine offer, then there should be no more stipulations nor expectations Ever! I truly am lucky being from My large circle of tight family unit, there were enough of us between siblings and our kids to create a shield around my parents so much that we Never needed outside help other than the fantastic Hospice team that took care of our Mom. There were some hiccups that couldn't have been helped, and that usually came up at the most inconvenient times, but all in all, we were very cohesive working well together right til the end. Unfortunately, with the Old Man, we are on our own, not to say our kid's won't step up, but so far, we haven't had to ask them, but I know that they will when nessasary. Who knows what the future will bring with the Old Man, at this point, it's more the frustration of life going by, and we feel stalled. Not being able to get on with our lives, but hey, anything could happen with his health, and he does have that slow burning Lymphoma, waiting to rear it's ugly head, besides the general age related decline and the falling, it's just the ongoing not knowing what will eventually happen, that keeps us on edge, and like I've said, we have been doing this for so long now. I think it must be a bit scary for our own kids, but we have told them, send us off to a Nursing Home, preferably together, but please don't give up your own lives for us! I am a pretty good natured person, so when I get to the Nursing home, I'm gonna kill them with appreciation and kindness, as I know how difficult their job really is, and I'll be like the teacher's pet, their favorite patient and get preferential treatment! Lol! My sisters and I actually laughed about just this the other day, hopefully we will all be in the same Medicaid covered home! So that's my big plan!
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Re cleaning, so most of you know, that my FIL has the front bedroom, the bedroom besides it, we converted to his TV room, and the main bathroom is his, however it is also our guest bathroom when we do have people over. Well up until recently, the Old Man has been able to do his own laundry, and keep his own two living spaces tidy and being a proud person, I've left those two rooms alone. I maintain the cleaning of his bathroom. But recently, my DIL, was over and it became very clear that he hasn't been cleaning anything in those 2 rooms, and he really embarrassed me in front of her about how I haven't done ant deep cleaning in those rooms, well for one, he never asked me, and 2, I don't generally even go into those rooms, mas he is quite private. So upon close inspection, yes, there is an enormous amount of dust and crud building up, yuck, and that sort of thing really grosses me out, so now, I would Love to hire a cleaning lady to come in to do his 3 rooms, but I would feel that I would have to clean even before she came, isn't that terrible? Ugh, all tha old man skin and dust, and blaaah, I am so not good with this sort of thing, it really is different when it's not your own parent, , its hard to explain, as I did some pretty gruesome tasks with my own parents but with the FIL, umm, not so much. However I did wound care twice daily on his backside and that went OK, it's the deep cleaning of those rooms I just don't want to do. Also, my own health issues sort of hold me back, as my Arthritis will surly kick into overdrive doing what really needs to be done, like moving his bed and vacuuming all of that built up dust, ugh, I gag just thinking about it, a good cleaning lady I would never make, especially for the elderly, he hacks and snarfs everywhere, now I really need to hire someone! Do you think I should? I'm embarrassed even writing of such a thing, but he never wanted our help with this until now, and I didn't realize that it had gotten so yucky, but it is my home and my investment, so I'll have to convince my husband to start getting busy, and he's worse than me! The rest of my house is quite tidy though, Really!
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Frequent Flyer we got one of those fall alert buttons for my Mom when she was still living by herself. The only problem with those, at least with the one my Mom had is you have to wear a device either around your neck or on your wrist and I was always worried about my Mom keeping it on and not covering it with her clothes. They are not fail proof unfortunately.

Stacey I don't blame you for not wanting to clean your FIL's space. You married for in sickness and in health. Your vows didn't include -and your parents gross skin cells and phlegm. I would call a cleaning service. But thats just me.
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I never realized how much skin we shed each day.... until I had to wear an arm sling for awhile. Even after one day I had to shake the sling out. Yikes it's like pet dander !!
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The alert button was a total bust for my mom. She hung it on her bed post and forgot all about it. So did I.

And--shocker--it was very hard to get rid of when she went into AL. I had to have a note from the doctor and proof that she had one at the AL for them to cancel our plan.
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Salisbury I had the same problem. It was automatic withdrawal from my Mom's account every month. They were still taking it out after I cancelled. I eventually had to contact the Health Authority and get them to stop it for us and reimburse us. It ended up being a real headache.
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Dad had one of those alert things at his AL it hangs on a lamp that he doesn't use! Thankfully it is one item that never gets moved around maybe he thinks it's part of his lamp? He had a big bandage on his arm by his elbow I think he scrapped it and is picking at the scab.
My whine monument today is I ordered an item that unfortunately is defective, packed it up in shipping box took to FedEx who proceeded to charge me additional for more packing material despite me telling them this is how it arrived. Contacted the company and of course they are not reimbursing me. Then went to bookstore but forgot my cash at home and used the credit card and while putting items away in my basement pantry stepped on a sliver of glass that is embedded somewhere in my heel which despite lots of poking around I cannot seem to find.
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Sorry about your foot 57twin. We are building whine monuments now? I better get started, I'll have to buy bldg. supplies, paint, give it a name...........

Sorry twin I couldn't resist.
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Oh I know about the cleaning services.. Mom fired Amish gal after Amish gal.. because they bumped the vacumm into the furniture...LOL. My ILs had a service at thier home before they moved into new house with SIL and BIL, and they kept her... BUT only to clean thier 2 bedrooms and baths... screwed my SIL who is a teacher and busts her hump taking care of them? I told SIL to ask what the "overage" would be, and hire the dang gal to free up some if her time
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