I'm tired of cooking/preparing 3 meals a day. It's just the two of us but boy oh boy can that woman eat!! She stays slimish, I get fattish. It's bad enough I do everything here much less start making her one thing and me the other. At times I feel guilty when I buy her fast food cuz of the nutritional value....not to mention I eat it too.
cwillie...glad your Mom "went"...that always helps...a LOT...but it seems to be the gift that keeps on giving....
Lucky..bless your heart...I know exactly what you are saying...I can't bear seeing Mama linger like this...it is physically taking a toll on me..mentally even more...killng me....but I also know the emptiness I am going to feel when I lose her...sometimes I think it will be better...better knowing that she is whole again...and ok, and not held prisoner by this horrid disease that my Mama was too strong for...or so I thought...I hate this disease...and it's so unfair to me...why some people get it and others don't...
I know this is mean and once again God forgive me...but I know some really hateful, mean and cranky old folks who weren't very productive their entire lives, pretty much let others wait on them hand and foot, abused food, alcohol, pills, etc. and even sat on their posteriors most of the time, hiring folks to do their work and then asking my parents for money because they needed more....
And then there's Mama...worked her behind off all her life..wouldn't spend on herself because she was afraid my brother and I or the rest of the world might need her more...ate healthy, NEVER smoked, drank or even took medicine..EVER...was still keeping these enormous lawns by herself without any of the weedeaters, leafblowers, even lawnmowers....she did it all by hand...with a rake and a hoe...how can this hellish thing happen to someone like Mama??? it's so wrong....to me it just seems so wrong....it's horrible for anyone..but seems even more so to someone who did everything right....
Sometimes I think I need one of those hanging punching bags to put in the basement so I can go down there and kick the fire out of it till I wear myself out...or at least one of those blow up heavy duty plastic clowns that we used to punch when we were kids....
Your frustration is not simplistic. Those are valid human emotions and questions which we see reflected often in the Psalms with great anguish, pain and even anger, but ending in faith. I wonder if we think God can handle our getting directly angry and he can as the Psalms reflect. One thing that I love about the Psalms is that they so often can help us give words to our emotions and by saying or praying them aloud let them them out.
The NT refers to our life as a fight of faith, a race to be run and labor that is not in vain.
"Therefore, my beloved brothers, be you steadfast, unmovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, for as much as you know that your labor is not in vain in the Lord." I Corinthian 15:58.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3
I don't know if you are familiar with any of the Rocky Movies from back in the 1970's. One of them had the song, "The Eye of the Tiger." The song went well with the song because in the story, Rocky had lost his focus as fighter and struggled to get it back mainly due to the support of his wife. I like to see these verses in Hebrews as talking about the "eye of the Christian" who like Jesus seeks to stay or regain focus in despising the shame and the pain of our crosses in life for the joy set before us. That analogy is probably stretching things a bit, but it fits to a degree.
Life is a never ending fight of faith. However, the real root of many of our battles are spiritual more than anything else.
"10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God." Ephesians 6:10
Paul had this to say about the end of his race and fight.
"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing." II Timothy 4:7-8.
He goes on to say that he felt very alone toward the end.
"Be diligent to come to me quickly; 10 for Demas has forsaken me, having loved this present world, and has departed for Thessalonica—Crescens for Galatia, Titus for Dalmatia." 2 Timothy 4:9-10.
I think we have all experienced this type of loneliness and loss. I have felt the loss and loneliness of those like Demas.
All in all, as Paul points out in I Corinthians 15, the bedrock of our faith and good works not being in vain is the resurrection of Jesus Christ.
So those are some encouraging words for today following some very realistic words about the human condition.
Thus, my realistic optimism that is very realistic about people and yet optimistic about what the grace of God can do in transforming lives for those who chose to respond.
Wow, that's a lot of heavy stuff!
As a person brought up in the church I always welcome a meaningful sermon, I think the bible holds many universal truths. Now if only I could still believe...
I believe everything that Cmagnum said, but I must add that we cannot make sense of God's plan because we can only see the immediate results of the bad stuff that happens. He looks at the big picture. I think if my father had not died when he did, I would be a different person now. We can only trust that everything he does in the long run is for good. After reading Revelations, you know that tribulation will come before the second coming of Christ. There are too many people who would still turn away from him if he came back now. Sort of like an alcoholic having to hit rock bottom before he will accept help
Jude, you are right, there probably was nothing I could have done, and Yes, she is exactly where she wants to be, with her husband now. The family does have a lot of extended family to lean on, and they all sure did come together for the father's funeral just 3 years ago, so I know that they will be able to pull through somehow.
I am sorry to hear about all your trips and falls, Gosh can we ever get a break from the constant worry over our folks? Hope, your story however was a bit hilarious, despite the pain part and the pulling out gravel bit, lol! So glad it was all in the past! Globtrotter, I hope your Mom is doing better from her fall!
Jude! So happy you are back! Your Mum is sounding feisty, so that's good, and hopefully you will be settled into your new place soon? Hopefully!
I thank you all for your kind words, and have a Lovely Sunday! Enjoy your sports Hope!
Sheradale, oh No, not again! So sorry Hun! Hope, Globtrotter, Katie, Susan, Jude, Luckylu, all you lovely ladies, and a couple of gents, you have all come to mean so much to me, you have no idea! I hope and pray that you all have lighter and brighter days ahead and that God will streghnen you to deal with your struggles moving forward! Happy Sunday!
On another note, I think we ultra responsible hook ourselves up to alcoholics, drug addicts and others who need to be rescued because we want to help people. That's good, but too often, we lack the compas of boundaries to know where helping ends and enabling begins.
I wonder if some rescuing people weren't raised to be little adults far too early in life and thus having had a childless childhood go through life find it hard to unwind because they always have to be the responsible one. I know that was true of me and I still tend to be overly serious at times. However, I have learned to unwind and when I unwind, I unwind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yet, I can go for a good while without unwinding which is not a good habit.
Hope everyone has as good of the rest of Labor Day weekend as possible. Take care and do something nice for yourself today.
Ya know my hubby is a person who always curses God when things go bad but never stops to thank him when things go good. I always tell him that God whispers to us, then he taps us on the shoulder, then he punches us in the back...........
Have you all heard the story about the man who was stranded on an island. He prayed and prayed for God to help him. A small boat came along and the man said "thats okay, I'm waiting for God to help me" then a big ferry came along and the man said "no, thx I'm waiting on the Lord" then a helicopter came along, same thing "no, thats alright, God is coming" Days went by and finally in despair the man cried out to God. "God, why have you left me here" Suddenly a big booming voice came from the sky. "I did try to help you. I sent two boats, a helicopter......"
I always tell my hubby who hates to wear his seatbelt that he would be the guy in the hospital cursing God cause he was in a bad car accident and went right through the windshield when all he had to do was wear his seatbelt.
I've heard that story. It is a classic and very true.
I'm sorry to hear of how your husband handles pain and seat belts.
I've never heard the punch in the back line.
cmagnum...like you, I feel like I pretty much grew up too fast. I don't know why that was, because I did have a wonderful childhood, but there was something in me that always took on the role of protector and so as soon as anything started happening in my family, and life, I was very protective and took on a lot of things I was too young to have to deal with. It has made a lot of people resentful of me and I'm not sure why that is. There seems to be some issue with people who think you can do it all...my Mama's family are good people but they, to me, have always had kind of a budinsky attitude meaning they like to come roaring in at a critical point in someone's life and make sure you and everyone else knows who saved the day. They seem to hate that I don't need them to "save" me..
Ah well, I do think we have paths to follow and I think I'm following mine. I'm trying to stop saying what if quite so much because doing that can drive one crazy...and it has me. Living so long looking back that you don't see what is right there in front of you.
Sometimes on days like this...I do tend to think about one day when I am here alone...that may be a long time off, it could be soon..and I could go before anyone else...but sometimes, all grief aside..and that will be a huge hurdle to overcome, but I also remember that after Daddy passed, just knowing his pain was gone, he was at peace and I never had to worry about him being sad or sick any longer. I see Mama looking sad, like hse has today, wonder is she lying there wishing she could do things, hating that I am having to, knowing in her usual state of mind she would want to go and leave this old world behind...There is some tiny speck deep inside that I must keep glowing for when that time does arrive, Mama is OK..at last..at peace, at last...and happy again..at last...
Not too long ago, when she was having a lucid day, out of the blue she told me..."you pretty little thing...I know you're about tired of having to put up with me"....it shocked me, but it made me realize she does at times most likely see how tired I am , how sad I am knowing I can't "fix" her, and know that she knows me well enough to know that I know she is ready to go...and that I am enough of a survivor on my own that I will be OK...I've been missing her an awfully long time in a lot of ways already....I can't bear to lose her, but I don't know which is worse, knowing she's ok and in peace, or seeing her so sad and restless...and I feel that I am selfish to try to keep her here....just a lot of deep thinking today...it's been awfully quiet here.....
Sorry to hear that your mom seems like two different people. You are right that you can't make someone take the help that is offered.
Outwardly, my childhood appeared very blessed, but at home was a whole nother story with me expected in some way to not grow up but yet be a little adult by a very intrusive parent whle we lived without dad whom she had abandoned for no reasonable reason from age 4-11. Things did not improve when she got married to someone just like her dad who was an acoholic who was her ticket out of that town. To survive, I ended up re-creating my own family at the end of my high school years and was so happy for my dad helping with college plus getting 333 miles from home!!!!! I had a friend in high school who had done the same thing. We became like siblings who survived the way we did. To this day, 40 years later, we remain like each other's siblinig.
You know how sometimes you just dig in your heels and persevere, persevere at any cost but you just seem to be getting nowhere. And then when you finally say screw it, I'm done, all of a sudden good comes out of nowhere. Maybe its time to just say screw it Hope.
Anyhow, you and Luckylu, Susan, C willie, Katie, globetrotter, and everyone else are all in my prayers.
Dad has been up and down mood wise the past few days. Today he was in the other hallway pressing on the door as he sees something out past the field by the trees. Once it was his truck, but it's something only he sees. Had to work a bit to distract and get him in living room as I stopped by before dinner. I always a do a sweep of his room it's always tidy but sometimes he moves stuff around. Still have lots of flowers so I continue to bring some for his room as well as his bi monthly dole of jelly beans though I will switch to candy corn for fall so those jelly beans last longer.
I have spent the past couple days cutting brush so we can merge our current property with the land next door. Too hot to do more than a couple hours but cooler weather coming tonight!
Canning my bounty of tomatoes-made pizza sauce today tomorrow either catsup or salsa.
Tuesday hoping it doesn't rain as residents of dads AL are going to tour a nearby garden though I am a bit po'd that they didn't choose to come to my place as I have quite a bit of gardens and much is accessible from the driveway and patio.
A couple of ladies at dad's aren't doing well but I know that is inevitable at an AL but hoping it's nothing serious.
I would have loved to have gone swimming just one time for an hour this summer but my brothers sure wont come and give me a break.Its nothing new,so I shouldnt even think about it.
Enough on that.
Mother did pretty good with the outing and her transfers in and out of the car to her wheelchair,but she is definitly ready for bed{which is liftchair}.Still,we have 1 more breathing treatment to go and bed vitals.And I need to put up the chocolote sauce I made for the gathering tonite,but I just might have to have a bite of it first...Thanks for all the wonderful support you all have given me on AC.I know God led me to this website.Night all....