I'm tired of cooking/preparing 3 meals a day. It's just the two of us but boy oh boy can that woman eat!! She stays slimish, I get fattish. It's bad enough I do everything here much less start making her one thing and me the other. At times I feel guilty when I buy her fast food cuz of the nutritional value....not to mention I eat it too.
I've been taking her to see them almost every week. Her memory is so bad that she can't carry on a conversation. She mostly just asks or comments about their ages every few minutes. One friend doesn't mind that and wants to see my mom. The other friend is tired of my mom. At the last visit, she didn't want to come out of her room when we came to visit, and she only gave one word answers when asked.
I don't blame the friend for being tired of talking to a person with a broken brain. I am tired of my own mother, too. But I can't help but feel a little sad for her. I don't think I will take her to see that friend again. Why bother her. My mom would not miss her anyway. But it is still a loss.
I was impressed by your efforts to help keep your mother in contact with her friends.
Have they always seen each other weekly?
The reason I ask is, that I don't want to see any of my friends once a week. Once a month, or intermittently is great. Maybe that is just me.
The second friend, at 84, has a very sharp mind and a great memory. She remembers things about my childhood that I didn't know or remember. So for her, talking to my mom must be a real chore. This friend is home bound so I'd like to visit to give her some company. At first, she enjoyed our visits, and alsways asked us to come again soon. However, the last visit wasn't so good. Maybe, we'll come back in a month. If that visit does not go well, then we stop coming.
The friend looked and me and we both burst out laughing.
My 29 y/o heroin addict son lives in his deceased grandparents house with his g/f. My ex owns it and pays all utilities. Son doesn't work.
I bought son this 2nd car 2 years ago, after he wrecked the first one (stupid, I know). Sent him the signed off pink slip and $ to register it. He never did.
Fast forward to now. He thinks his g/f's old boyfriend has been slashing his tires. This will be the 3rd time replacing them. Now, neighbors have filed complaints that it's an eyesore.
The police Dept. sent his father (the homeowner) and me (the vehicle owner-last Registeted owner) a fix it or move it warning letter . They're talking serious money ($280.+) if you don't comply.
I called my ex (still depressed) and son (who was too stoned to speak today). So I talked to son's g/f, asking her to get in contact with my ex and get the car outa' there.
This obviously upsets me because it's MY name and it's my reputation.
Problem is, when I'm showing any emotion except happiness, my current hubby gets defensive and irritated (not what I need at the time). Today, when he refused to listen to me, and ragged on me that this is somehow MY fault, I took an anti
anti-anxiety medication that's been prescribed for sleep. And fall asleep-I did! I checked out of the whole scene. It's now 8 pm.
Hubs wanted to do our weekly visit to my mother today. I was too worked up from trying to coordinate this car crap from 500 miles away, to be able to mentally tolerate visiting her. I felt, if I forced a visit with my mom, I'd be pushing myself over the emotional edge.
Does anyone get that? Hubs didn't.
What a screwed up weekend because my irresponsible son pulled me into his drama.
This proves to me that I'm better off with NO contact. It rips me apart emotionally.
This sounds bad but, when mother meets the Lord and my name is off everything that is associated with my son and I don't have to have any contact with him, my life may be more peaceful. Then I can be the "happy" wife my husband wants.
For joy 😒
Might it in the long run be simplest and most cost-effective to pay to have the car towed away and scrapped?
I agree with paying for a tow truck to come haul the car off to the scrapyard...that way at least you won't get the fine.
You did the right thing too as far as postponing the visit with your mom. You are tired and stressed and need to be able to get some rest and take care of yourself too.
I've read a lot of posts from caregivers who have clearly pushed their end stage loved ones to eat when it would have been far kinder for everyone if they allowed them do just fade away and long ago I vowed to myself that I will never beg my mom to eat or in any way coerce her. And yet now that she is consistently refusing most of her meals I find myself bargaining with her to "just finish your soup" or "I know you like your fruit, let's eat some of that", and I've been searching for denser calorie options that she might enjoy. Maybe if I was totally in control of her diet it would be easier because I could offer food that is actually palatable at the times she is most willing to accept them. I feel like a hypocrite.
Your response to your Mom refusing food is not forcing her, but instead, you are still interacting with your Mom in a concerned loving way.
You mention allowing elders to just fade away as being kinder...I don't know if that is right or wrong. What I feel sure about is that "we" as humans do not get to choose anyone's end.
Maybe see if you can be more in charge of denser calorie options for her.
Keep on going on this challenging walk with your Mom as long as you are able. You are doing a fine job. You are not a hypocrite.
I donated my car to HonorBound Foundation. They towed it; sent me a simple form to email back to them because the title was lost, and they were very professional and appreciative. Donation was the solution for me. I was SO STRESSED by the situation that was much like yours.
www.honorboundfoundation.org/
Phone number for Honor Bound Fndn is (800) 818-4651.
https://www.donatecarusa.com/charity/honorbound-foundation/
One car was my parents big old Oldsmobile. My Dad wanted me to sell it, but no way did I feel comfortable having strangers comes to the house to test drive the car. And the car was too old for Car Max. Told Dad if he donated it, he could write it off on taxes, so he had me do that. Dad signed the title, and I arranged for the charity to come to the house and pick up the car, no towing cost :)
There are a lot of charities that will pick up donated cars.
My question, who's brilliant marketing idea was this? I have lived in my area on and off for 45 years and I do not know one person who speaks Mandarin. Guess I run in the wrong circles :P
Apparently the call messages says this is the Chinese Consulate; we have an important document that needs to be picked up; it may affect your status in the U.S.; press a button to speak with a specialist, and that is when a connection is made to a live scammer.
Oh, the other day a different call came through, and my sig other answered. The caller said that his doctor had talked to them about the pain that my sig other is having and that Medicare will pay for a brace for the pain. So sig other played along. He asked if they meant the pain in his big toe? What can he do about it? Is there a big toe brace? Should he take aspirin? Eventually the caller hung up :))
I get calls daily in Chinese - rarely is it a live person but I learned a couple of phrases to use in case they reach me in person
You are not a hypocrite- you know your mom's likes and dislikes
I never force the Viking to eat the hoca purée
But I try and supplement as best I can with other stuff she likes
The message you are giving your mother is "I do give a damn."
It's not like you're signing her up for a PEG or force-feeding her famine mix. You're just looking for ways to tempt her.
In the last couple of weeks I reintroduced a small glass of wine or sherry with dinner. Mother didn't have more than a couple of sips, just to show willing probably, but at least it made me feel I was treating her like her, instead of like a patient.
When my dad was dying in the ER last year, every shift's doctor would ask me the same question about dad's feeding. What did you give him, how much does he take, when was the last time, etc.... I was able to respond honestly to the questions and not feel as if I was starving him. Go with your conscience. It's the ending that's important. Did you do your best for your mom while she was alive?
P.S.. You're tempting her to eat. There's nothing wrong with that.
When it came to my mom, as she was clearly declining and not wanting food, I went out and bought a "family pack" of Italian Ice. Fed her them continuously for three days.
Oh well. There's the theory of stuff and then, there's our mothers.
Tempt her with whatever she loves. When my mom refused the lemon ice, I knew the clock had run out.