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TG - Your father found another sucker. It’s that simple.

Why does that irritate you? Because everything associated with Dad irritates you.

This lone mantra has become your essence. Only you can change that.

I’m not saying you can change your father’s ways. Ha!

I’m saying that you CAN control your blood-pressure spiking reactions to Dad. You CAN control the amount of ruminating you do when Dad is in another room or another state.

Try it sometime. Even if you don’t notice the difference, your wife will. 🙂

TG, your father engineered 5 days out of your house without you having to do any of the driving, planning or spending. This is a win! STOP COMPLAINING. 🛑

You and your Very Patient Wife are the recipients of a beautiful gift: a major holiday without one iota of Dad. Take a deep breath and enjoy it.

You’re quite the cook, if I recall. If you feel like playing Chef TG this Thanksgiving, knock yourself out. No boors, no slobs, no naysayers! That part is already taken care of. (As long as you don’t invite any “problem people”......)

Heck, maybe a holiday for two is what’s best for you & Mrs. TG. You 2 get very few opportunities to recharge. And who says it has to be at home? Perhaps you’d like to abandon the stove, pack your bags and treat yourself and Mrs. TG to a change of scenery. Preferably someplace with with a hot tub. 😉

TG, I’m issuing you a challenge: During your 5 days of freedom, do not spend one moment fixated on what a S.O.B. Dad is. Do not wonder out loud over & over how much he is polluting someone’s else’s life.

Start training yourself now to simply enjoy the “non-Dad-ness” of it all. Without referencing him every 5 minutes. Got it??
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The problem with waking up at 5 a.m. is that by 8:30 I've already had my coffee, eaten a healthy breakfast, showered, checked agingcare, played a couple of games of scrabble and spider solitaire, checked agingcare again.... It's kind of early to hit the grocery store, I suppose I could brave the cold and damp weather and go out for some exercise but I've agreed to meeting my cousins for a hike this afternoon so that could be overkill. Eh, maybe a short walk.
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BTW, I want to thank you all for the kind thoughts and words, all of you who have already been there and those who are still walking the path have been a tremendous source of knowledge, strength and community.
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I know the feeling.I quit my job to care for my father-in-law.He treats all women like garbage,and always has.Women store to be seen and not heard.My answer is BS,I have the right to talk Anyway,his last little "joke",was to inform me he could not pay me.He gets a grant for his care for $1800,but only pays me $1200 + we pay $400 to live there.We have our own home +other bills.How old is too old(he has 2nd stage dementia and his boys do nothing to help in this situation) to keep paying his own bills? I watch him blow his money on all these pain products,that he ends up sending back because they interfere w/ his meds.Ok;enough complaining on my part.
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Thanks for the positive comments, working on all of it. Just imagining words are just words. Looking forward to the holiday with our daughters and some wife and I time alone. Trying to find some space to reflect. Trying to eat better and sleep better. Just taking one day at a time,..... day two.
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I get the food problem. I gained 10 pounds in a year and a half when my mom moved in. I never ate so incorrectly and also at night after she went to sleep. I’d cry all the time. Then somehow miraculously I found a place and before I allowed my mom to think about it too much moved her. That’s not the total answer cuz she called and woke me up after 10 phibe calks ( had ringer off). But I feel your pain and frustration. I don’t care what my mom eats at this point. But food is always an issue.
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My whine of the day: Is anyone else frustrated/depressed/angry with the extremely high cost of private pay in a skilled nursing facility? At $9,000/month a lifetime of hard work, scrimping and pinching pennies goes so fast it makes my head spin. It's heartbreaking because my dad worked long hours at hard labor and many midnight shifts, for this quickly evaporating nest egg.

Mom's been in SNF for about 6 months and 6 months before that in AL. I get so depressed and almost sick to my stomach when I write the check each month, especially since she has dementia and mainly unaware of her surroundings and frequently even me.

What's the point? I KNOW it's not my money. It's for her care and I placed her in a very nice facility where she is well-taken care of, but still, it's hard. Maybe it's something people don't talk about. They just suck it up. Maybe I need to do the same.
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cwillie
I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. It will be a new beginning.
Please remember that you are not alone. We are here for you.
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CWillie, your journey on earth with your mother has ended but the love you shared & expressed through your caregiving will continue. Take care of yourself as you find your new normal. It seems as caregivers we are always finding a new normal, when we begin, many times during & even when we are done.
I know a lot of us appreciate your experience & the knowledge you share. Keep sharing.
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Cwillie
are you an early bird by nature ?

some nights it feels like I don't fall asleep til 5 am

hope you enjoyed the hike and had some moments of laughter with your cousins -
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Dodgers lost game 1

I didn't win the $1.6 billion mega millions

Mom's private caregiver texted this afternoon that a new name was on the door - unbeknownst to me, mom is getting a new roommate -
I'm trying to remain optimistic but hoca has lost several residents lately and has been taking in folks that are a handful
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Am I naturally an early bird? Ha!, when I had to be at work at 7:00 for one of my very first jobs I told everyone it was cruel and unusual punishment, although the days when I could actually sleep the entire morning away are a dim memory - adult life tends to get in the way.
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DSS I am absolutely certain you are not alone in your thoughts as you write those checks.

Good care does cost a lot. Of course it does. And I'm sure it isn't exactly what your father was looking forward to with longing as he worked all those hours. All the same, there's no escaping the reality of your mother's needs.

There is another issue about private pay / self-funders, though; and that is the question of whether they are subsidising other residents. Is this an issue at your mother's facility? Do you have other options?
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Dss, I wasn't the one writing the checks ( my brother was) but at 12k a month, I very much felt the drip, drip drip of mom and dad's money being spent.

I hope that before you placed her, you ascertained that this is a facility that will keep her on as a Medicaid resident once her money is used up.

We were blessed with an angel of a discharge planner after mom's hip surgery, which, post stroke, rendered her eligible for skilled nursing as opposed to AL.

When we sat down with the discharge planner, her first questions were about mom's finances. She explained that if mom could private pay for at least two years, we could get her into a better facility than if she didn't.

My parents were scrimpers and savers, too. And this is what they saved for-- mom's old age.
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Thank you for your feedback. Very useful. BarbBrooklyn, yes the facility does accept Medicaid when we get to that point. Over a period of 1 week, I visited 13 facilities in a 2 county area prior to placing my mom, so I have done my due diligence! She has many, many physical and cognitive issues. Sure, there were some less expensive places but only slightly, and there was a significant difference in the premises. I am confident it was the best option for her and most of the time, I am fine with these payments. Just every now and then it bugs me, hence the whine of the day, but I get over it.
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DSS, Hoping that, going forward, you can get comfortable with writing those checks! Otherwise, just post here; we can be "there" for you! b
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See Willie my thoughts and prayers are with you I am not caught up but I saw a post from Golden as I follow the wine thread I am so sorry for your loss my heart and my prayers and my thoughts are with you I fell in love with your Viking I am not caught up on this thread please know that my heart is with you
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Hoca is offering a referral fee for new residents- any takers? I could use it to cover the daily rate increase for a month
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ABB, out of ideas, I’d also research what Cwillie mentioned about nocturnal myoclonus or hypnic jerks. I’d also google if anyone has same night symptoms as you. A thread of thought may take you to different forks of thoughts.

I know that doctors hate it when patients self diagnose by researching online. I don’t do that. I google for knowledge. This way I’m able to reasonably respond to doctors about my health. I’m not set in stone. If the doctor still insists their way, I agree - in case they’re correct or to rule out.

I’m hoping something might pop up in your research to help guide you as you search for answers. Hopefully, it’s just that you need to tweak your thyroid.
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Tgengine, I’m from a dysfunctional family. We all know each others dysfunctional personality. Except fave sis has successfully fooled all our 6 sibs into thinking she’s a dumb blonde (or dumb brunette). Aside from that, I think once you remind everyone about the situation, then drop it. I wouldn’t try too hard to change their mind. Actually, I would spend weeks hoping no one does!!!

Anyway, you’ve been doing all the ‘caregiving’ for your father. Isn’t it time that other family step in to give you a break? That’s how I viewed it when bedridden mom and also bedridden dad ended up hospitalized. Why should I spend nights and day with them when family members chose to do it? I enjoyed myself immensely without worrying since it’s their turn.

Just remind yourself, if a medical emergency comes up during that fishing trip, they can call 911. That’s what I told family when I travelled off island.
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My whine for the day.... if the landline telephone rings one more time today and a recorded voice is saying "do not use your computer, it has been infected", I will go running screaming into the night. I already had answered the first of the five calls I got in a 3 hour span. No, there isn't any "dial 2 to be removed from our list". One would need to call the 877 area code number that is given. Sometimes they use my own area code.

Even my cellphone is now getting these robo calls, oh my gosh I won a free trip !! So lately I've been keeping the ringer off. I don't use the cell much anyway, hard to hear on it.
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I join you in your whine freqflyer`~ It's just Constant!And SO old and nothing makes me madder than to be awakened by one of these calls after a night of fighting pain and I'm Finally sound asleep,so every night before I go to bed I take the phones off the hook,which really isn't too good in case one of my family members got hurt or needed me.When I do answer the phone,half the time they don't talk and no one will ever just leave a message,it just drives me crazier~
And I got the "Computer" call too today ff;(
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I don't know what calls I get. I do not answer if the number calling is not in my call list. If it is someone I need or want to talk to, they will leave a message. I have blocked many of the numbers that do not leave messages.

But, I am overwhelmed with the number of campaign texts I get. Probably figured out I will not answer unknown calls.
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I have noticed in the past couple of years that the spam and scam calls seem to escalate during the month of October. They are always there but there are more of them during this month. Maybe they panic as the year is coming to an end and want to get their quota in, or fear people will spend their money elsewhere during the upcoming holidays. I got several such calls yesterday, and also wrong numbers for the person that had this phone number before. When someone calls from "Windows technical department" saying there is something wrong with my computer, which there is not, I tell them we don't have a computer...we use the one at the library. That always gets a stunned silent reaction because it stumps them and I hang up.
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Also to warn everyone, there is some scam that calls and the person sweetly asks "can you hear me?" They hope for a "yes" answer and use your recorded voice saying "yes" to rope you into something. I heard on the news to quickly just hang up if asked this question! I got one of these calls yesterday too....
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Is the forum off line for everyone or is it just me? (Nowadays there is so little traffic it is hard to tell). It is too wet to go out and I can't check for new posts on agingcare... waahhh.
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Speaking of scams - I got an email yesterday written in french with an english version attached in a pdf. Yup, curiosity got the better of me and I opened the pdf. Supposedly some woman in france "found" my email address and wanted to give me some money out of the goodness of her heart. Of course I did an immediate virus scan, I hope nothing malicious slipped through. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
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CW, the forum was offline for me earlier too. I kept getting a message about technical difficulties when I tried to go into my news feed or the main page. Looks like they've got it back up now.
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Has anyone tried CBD oil for symptoms?
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Hey Ernie, I tried CBD oil for my general anxiety and sleep issues. I think it helped some at first but didn't seem to keep helping and definitely didn't help me enough to justify the cost.

I don't have a lot of pain, thankfully, so I take ibuprofen for that. NSAIDs work well enough for me in regard to pain.
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