My "whine moment today." What's yours?

My BIL has a relative that was found dead in her apartment, estimated time of death at least a week ago. Sis and I have had many, many discussions about this dear lady who so obviously needed help but wasn't getting it from those entrusted to care for her. We don't have any mechanism like APS here to check on these vulnerable adults and sis felt she couldn't stir up family discord by questioning her caregiver. It's just so sad.

Ohmygod CW, what, you just heard about this now?

Somebody has some explaining to do, that's for certain. I hope the poor lady didn't suffer. The indignity of being overlooked is bad enough, but God willing she wasn't aware of her own passing.

It looks bad CM, she became paranoid and had a falling out with her primary POA at least a decade ago and she was under the supervision of an even more distant relative. I don't know why this woman was allowed to muddle through without any help or intervention, we do have gov't funded healthcare after all. Sis rarely heard any news about her but when she did it was so obvious to us she had dementia, that's when we fretted about what could be done about it. I can't help but feel that ultimately we are also culpable, but I still don't know who we could/should have called for help.

Frazzled, I hear you! I’m just not a kid person, never have been. I love mine but most days especially in the summer, by the end of the day my patience is shot and sometimes I don’t particularly care for my kids LOL. Still love them to death and couldn’t live without them but they fight like cats and dogs and adding another kid to the mix would be enough to send me over the end! I’m not made for childcare it either. If I was, I would have opened a home day care by now!

CM, you are absolutely right. I’ve got to come to accept the fact that saying no doesn’t make me a bitch. I know I have a right to say no but it is incredibly difficult. The older and wise I get, the more I realize how a lifetime of emotional abuse has affected me. It has always been easier to be a dormat because then I don’t have to deal with the anger that will result from saying no. So thank you for the encouragement. I can’t believe your relatives just showed up out of nowhere and expected you to babysit! I can’t believe people actually do that!

You reminded me of a time where BIL kind did that to us. It was around 4 years ago and FIL was out for a short visit. He always stayed with us when he visited. I was in the kitchen which is in the front of the house and I saw BILs car pull up. Nothing unusual, I think we knew he was coming over. Then I heard a knock at the door. I open the door & nephew walks in saying hi. I look out the door and see BIL driving off!! I went to hubby and said “what the hell? Why did your brother drop nephew off and leave without saying anything?”. He then told me that BIL had been called to go help a friend who broke down and he asked FIL if he could leave nephew with him!! Boy was I mad! Every time FIL visited, it resulted in BIL and his soon to be exwife needing him to watch their son. It just made me mad because.....no one asked hubby or I first. All I wanted was for it to be run by me so that I wasn’t caught off guard when the kid was suddenly dropped off here! FIL doesn’t have to ask to permission to babysit but when you are a guest in someone else’s house, you don’t just do things like that without asking your hosts. You can’t just invite anyone over. And another reason I disliked it is because I ultimately had to watch him & prepare an extra meal. Which is why I used to flip when this was just sprung on me! At least just ask me first. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. There was also a time when FIL came out to help hubby work on his classic car. We flew him out here because he had gotten a DUI and lost his license. BIL and his soon to be ex knew he has flown out & about the DUI. So one day they are out working on the car, filthy & covered in oil and BILs soon to be ex wife called FIL and asked him to pick up nephew at his pre-schedule/daycare at 4:30. She didn’t actually need someone to do it for her, MIL was watching him in the evenings at the time and picked him up. I get that she wanted him to spend time with her child as well-and he had already spent plenty of time with him over the weekend and they would come over every night too, but why would she ask someone without a car to pick up her kid? Especially knowing he didn’t have a driver’s license? Did she think hubby would take a risk and let him take his truck? So it was my husband that had to get cleaned up and drive across town in rush hour traffic to pick him up. I was livid because my husband didn’t tell either of them no. And guess who had to watch all the kids because they went straight back to working on the car?

Cwillie, that’s terrible and so sad! You don’t anything like a department of social services or health & human services? Couldn’t the police have been called For a welfare check? I know things are different in Canada but I would think the police could see the problem and get the ball rolling? That’s what happens here in CA.

There is an elder abuse phone line or the police, but that would involve reporting the caregivers as abusive and nobody wanted to take that step. I mean, she did have the minimum necessities of life and we were never sure if the caregiver was just clueless or what. There is also the option to contact the office of the public guardian, but that seemed a nuclear option. And none of them promise confidentiality, they may very well be but it isn't explicitly mentioned.

Another thing I wish we had is an agency like your Hospice that can step in with extra supports when someone is dying, lack of proper care is one of the reasons I caution people who choose to remain in AL until their final breath. Many seem to be falling through the cracks there because it is wrongly assumed that an AL has the resources to handle it when often they clearly do not.

Well, we are getting to the nitty gritty at our house. Last night I heard mom bumping around after I went to bed. She comes up for bed and sits on the potty for about 20 minutes doing crossword puzzles, etc, then goes to bed. I got up see whats up.. She is wandering around her room.. with "stuff" all over her nightgown. Yep,, chitpalloza as Dorker says. She has no idea what that is, tries to go to bed (poop there now). So I get her back to bathroom,, she says " I have no idea about this, I am still pooping". Yes you are. So we get her mostly cleaned up, one of dad's old depends on her ( about 3 sizes too big), and back to sort of cleaned up bed. This morning she is better, I did laundry, and bought some depends in her size at the Wally world. She seems better.. but I have to work the next 3 days.. hubs is terrified!

And to add to the fun,, hubs just took her the wine, and tells me she is "ordering new beds".. WTH?? So I run down to the rec room,, it's MEDS.. LOL She is doing fine with that.

That is sad about the lady that died in her apartment alone. I hope she drifted off peacefully. I see this happening to me some day. There is not one day that goes by without my thinking of this. I have no relatives here, and my husband's are not caring or trustworthy. Maybe someday one of my self centered friends would step in, but who knows how they will be at that stage. I hope to pass peacefully and figure some one will eventually show up when they are looking for money, past due bills, etc. that is the one thing that can be counted on, LOL. In the meantime, I am trying to live life and make the most of what I can. Not often easy though when you are in a care giver role for decades. I hope this lady had some really fabulous times in her life. The end part should not define the whole person, but unfortunately that is what people often only remember.

Katie,
You are so right.....the end part of a person's life should not define the whole person.

Katie, you are not alone. I have no relatives that I am close to either. I worry all the time that I will die alone and no one will notice. My sig other is very caring and loving, but he will probably go before me.


And Katie your right! The way a persons died should not define them, but what they did in this world...the person they were should be remembered.

It is sad about that lady, but I would like to think that someone from the otherside was with her as she cross over!

I read a few articles about Japan recently. It seems that more and more people, men and women both, are too busy climbing the corporate ladder that they don't get married, thus no children. When their careers are over, they find themselves living alone, no jobs, no friends, no relatives.

Then, they die alone, in their small apartments. Their bodies usually are not discovered until neighbors notice the foul smell. There wasn't before, but there is now a new business trade that specializes in going into those apartments to remove the dead bodies (with respect), clean out the apartments and properly sanitize them.

Japan's population is slowly going down according to the news articles. In some old towns, young people move away to big cities for jobs, leaving the old behind to take care of the even older ones.

Polarbear,

That will also be the downfall of the Japanese economy for there will not be enough young people to take their jobs. They have gone to the other extreme of being very respectful of their families. From what I've read, this is also why there is such a large sex industry in Japan.

I started ordering from Freshly for a couple meals a week. Saves me from cooking and they are affordable. Much better than fast food.

Polarbear,
I had read that young people here in the U.S was not having children even aftering getting married, but I am surprise hearing about that in Japan. Don't they always want a son to carry on the name and the family traditions? It is interesting to hear what is going on in other countries.

Shell38314,

Our birth to death ratio in the US is very good at the moment. I hope it stays that way. There are three times the number of people born each year above the number dying each year.

Well thank you cmagnum. I guess what I read a few years ago was wrong! I didn't mean to mislead anybody! My fault! Lol

Frankly, I was surprised by the national birth rate - death rate data I looked up. I had heard that we basically had 0 population growth if it were not for the immigrants. However, babbyboomers continue to age and die, we are in for some big changes.

"The aging population of the United States is propelling the nation toward a milestone: A historic increase in the number of deaths every year. Deaths are projected to reach more than 3.6 million in 2037, 1 million more than in 2015. Oct 24, 2017"

From something else that I read the low birth rate among millennial will impact their parent's plans and income for retirement as they want to sell the house that they bought years ago for their family and want to downsize plus make money. However, there might not be such a good market for family houses. This makes me glad that my wife and I got rid of our "family" house 2 years ago and downsized. Well, that's too much about me. Nite

Shell38314, I must be reading something wrong, because despite what I quoted about birth/death rates, articles still say not enough babies are being born. However, as unemployment goes down, the birth rate has come up. One reason given for the low birth rate is that teen pregnancy has gone down which is good.

CMag, I get quite itchy when I read that kind of article.

What does "not enough" mean? Not enough from what point of view, or from whose point of view?

To maintain our current pyramid scheme policy of social security? No, of course not, because it depends on continuous growth of the contributing base. That's why they always collapse, leaving shareholders with an empty bag, and that's why our financial regulators have made them illegal in all commercial contexts. This is not an admission you are ever going to hear from a political leader who is hoping to get elected.

To sustain our national demographic profiles as we are used to their being? Follow this line and what you mean is there are not enough of the right sort of babies being born, and I really don't think we want to go there.

To continue human domination of the planet? H'm. I haven't noticed it's short of babies. I suspect the planet wouldn't mind a very substantial fall in the human birth rate, and a bit of a rest.

But assuming that it's true that we don't have enough numbers in the succeeding generations to sustain the lifestyle and social structures we have become accustomed to, we had better get used to it and think of something else, probably something technological. People will be short of help. People will die. But that's what people do anyway, it's only a matter of sooner or later and in more or less comfortable circumstances. It isn't a calamity or an apocalypse on the scale of things.

And, besides, even if you DO come to the conclusion that birthrates have fallen below optimum levels within a given context, whaddaya going to do about it, eh? Get busy???

The millennials who are employed but overly focused on their career ladders like the young people in Japan, can get married and start a family. It's not social security, it's the overall economy. If not, we are going to be like Japan with a lot of older people working with no young people to take our place.

We'd end up like Japan, in a deflationary economy and with an ageing population.

And, then? What then?

What incentive does this create for a prosperous and responsibly-minded young person to saddle himself with the financial commitment of children, in this uncertain world?

Just a friendly reminder to not get into politics here.

I fail to see how politics comes into the previous philosophical discussion, unless you have parties advocating for one point of view or the other down there?

BTW, the forum is rife with politics and religion.

Krispy Kreme Donuts is having new ideas, new flavors with ice cream, and remodeling stores.

Happy Birthday Krispy Kreme!

Hitting burn out and not sure how much longer I can keep this up. My siblings won't help and the one that will take my mother to her eye appointments acts like she's set the world on fire. (I do all the Dr. appointments, refills on meds, and all day to day care)That few hours once in a while is not near enough to give me any respite. It's been so long since I could live my own life instead of someone else's that I am starting to sink into depression.
My mother is extremely demanding and always has her own agenda that I am to follow or else...Physically she gets around fine, mentally she has always been very unstable and has been showing signs of dementia for a while but its been worse since April. She is helpless one minute and the next doing whatever she feels like doing. She is insistent that I stay and take care of her but I didn't budget for the constant care she has been demanding. She will not take any responsibility for her own health and relies on me to take all the phone calls, get her to her appointments and make sure she is taking all her meds and eye drops. I can't do this 24/7 much longer and will need to find a full time job with insurance. (Not to mention having an adult conversations with well...adults). I don't know how I will cope with working full time and then spending all my free time taking care of my mother.
I guess it set me off today because even though she brings me her confusion regarding her financial stuff, she will not listen to me about any of the suggestions I have made and eventually will bring it back to me over and over again. This has happened enough I no longer feel much compassion and that isn't me.
Today she brought me $20.00 and said it was for me. Sigh. I just yesterday gave 40.00 to my sister because she complained about taking my mother in her car to her eye appointments and that mom did not buy her lunch.
What my siblings need to know is that I am not beholden to them, to our mother nor am I responsible for their own relationships with our mother. You want mom to pay for your gas and lunch? Then you need to tell her instead of complaining to me.
Venting....

Ah Krispy Kreme!!!!Me love!

As for our dwindling population. I sometimes have thought that tsunamis, floods, hurricanes, plane crashes etc. are preordained to keep the population down. Maybe an ignorant thought but a thought nonetheless.

As for millennials. I don't see a lot of potential there. I have to be honest. I see a lot of sense of entitlement. I have millennial nieces and nephews who think they know it all and yet would not be able to function if the world wide web ever shut down. Call me cynical.

Riversway, I feel ya. My siblings couldn't wait to crow whenever they did anything to help which was rarely. I'd get e-mails from my narc sister itemizing what she had done. I think if people expect some kind of return for doing a kind service maybe their heart is not in the right place for caregiving. It's usually a thankless job as many have attested to on here.

Donuts? Krispy Kreme donuts? Y U M! & even better when the light's on~

If every plane fell out of the sky right now it wouldn't even make a dent. And God forbid anyway, of course.

This website is *fascinating* - it's a world population clock. I say fascinating, I think I mean dizzying.

https://population.io/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=search&utm_campaign=population&campaignid=1695828135&adgroupid=67217291985&adid=337160381448&gclid=CjwKCAjwg-DpBRBbEiwAEV1_-P9vSN0mH1urkQYxCaN0-6_fDkDvvxM2j-BmekV3_DmlEqYO2rx7bhoCrnoQAvD_BwE


7,683,424,471 human individuals on the planet, and it will have gone up by another few dozen while I typed this sentence.

For anyone else whose head is also swimming a bit (when numbers get too big, like super inflation, they fail to compute and your brain goes blank), here is Monty Python's Galaxy Song which I hope will restore your perspective, as it does mine.

(spoken)
Whenever life gets you down, Mrs. Brown,
And things seem hard or tough,
And people are stupid, obnoxious or daft,
(sung)
And you feel that you've had quite eno-o-o-o-o-ough,

Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at 900 miles an hour.
It's orbiting at 19 miles a second, so it's reckoned,
The sun that is the source of all our power.
Now the sun, and you and me, and all the stars that we can see,
Are moving at a million miles a day,
In the outer spiral arm, at 40,000 miles an hour,
Of a galaxy we call the Milky Way.

Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars;
It's a hundred thousand light-years side to side;
It bulges in the middle sixteen thousand light-years thick,
But out by us it's just three thousand light-years wide.
We're thirty thousand light-years from Galactic Central Point,
We go 'round every two hundred million years;
And our galaxy itself is one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe.

(waltz)

Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
In all of the directions it can whiz;
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!