My "whine moment today." What's yours?

Thank you freqflyer. Last nignt, it is 08 22 am here, she got a full night sleep, but because I worry and dont want to have the "...I didn't sleep a wink last night" conversation, I didn't get all the sleep i should have gotten. More than most nights but definitely less than the normal healthy amount. Just now she told me that she told me that she slept some but that she did wake up for a long time in the middle of the night....it seems inaccurate because I woke up to check on her regularly and this woman was passed out. I don't know what to think...
So now I have made her breakfast and laid out her meds I am waiting for her to eat.
I agree that we all have whine moments that are different and that differ as far as the degree of how old our parents are, what they are suffering from ,what out experiences are and what our knowledge and training is. I think that everyone's whine moment is just as valid as the next it being a small or a big thing.
Because we struggle regardless.
The lack of sleep is the biggest whine moment for me I think and I will probably continue to whine about that and of course with a drizzle of my moms antics.

looks like a rain day here today . they have their place too i guess . if heather still wants to work theres plenty of indoor work cleaning this place up and maybe building my stove hearth . the hearth is neat . i want to play with a 2 - 3 inch river rock concept ive been looking at and i plan to build a small fireproof safe in one end of the hearth .

Freqflyer and OJ1977 -

I apologize if my words were offensive - that was not my intent. Everyone's "whine moment" is completely valid, of course, and I didn't mean to make it seem otherwise.

Not sure if I'm whining or confessing. Mother wakes commenting on whatever random thought is going through her head. Yesterday it was about who invented knitting on four needles to make socks. But this morning it was a snide, snooty question: "What is Hereford *for*?"

For those who care, Hereford is a small cathedral city on the Welsh borders. It is like any other old provincial town - it has a cattle market, modest shopping facilities, the usual in the way of restaurants, entertainment, offices. It is not the hub of anybody's universe, except possibly the more insular sort of cattle farmer.

But what she was getting at is her leitmotif of London being the only place a civilised person could want to live in. This theme is bollocks, it is boring, it is foolish, it is snobbish, it is closed-minded - and I'm afraid I lost it with her. I find it hard to explain how *enraging* I find this f***ing attitude on her.

So I did not hold back. I told her that if she'd wanted to stay in London she had the means, she had the opportunity, she had ample time to make the arrangements - so why didn't she? Because she wouldn't shift herself. I have no sympathy and I do not want to hear another word about it, ever.

So there we are. She has her grievance for the day and she's as happy as a sand boy. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

Oh, goodness. What does she think of Scotland?

SusanA43, oh my gosh, I wasn't referring to anything you said, my whine was about others in general that I, and others, had verbally wrestled with on other forums here.

Others who felt if one didn't actually physically experienced the situation that one shouldn't comment. That would be like telling the doctor that if the doctor never personally had that illness, he/she shouldn't give treatment :P

{{{{ HUG }}}}

Thanks, FreqFlyer! I was concerned that I may have offended OJ1977, and that was not my intent - my intent was just to explain that it's fine to be optimistic that things will get better with increased activity for an elderly loved one - and indeed, they may, at least temporarily - but a long-term outlook that things will be back to what used to be "normal" when your elderly loved one was younger is not always realistic. I'd love to be that optimistic that my Mom will be active again, start walking and doing things for herself, but the reality is that dementia has started to set in, and is advancing rapidly - meaning she will never be the same again, unfortunately.

OJ, I do hope that your mom improves somewhat, if for no other reason than it will allow you to get some sleep and ease your mind a bit. This caregiving bit is not for the faint of heart - many of us have had to give up everything to take care of our aging loved one. Fortunately, I work from home with my own business, so I didn't have to give up my job, but I gave up my much nicer, larger home, being close to my grandchildren so I could at least visit them, and had a place to myself. Now I sleep in my childhood bedroom, which is fraught with bad memories and has been turned into a laundry room - so I sleep with the washer/dryer. All of my belongings are in storage with the exception of a 40+ year old mattress and box spring I have to use because my bed wouldn't fit in the room (had to donate it), and my desk and computer equipment. My books, knick-knacks, pictures, other furniture....everything - all in storage.

So I guess that's my whine for the day. LOL

Too bad we can't see into the future.... I bet our parent(s), those with memory issues, would be shocked to see what is going on now and how their grown children have stopped their lives, and changed addresses to care for them. I wonder if one's parents could view the future if they would have made any changes?

I wonder that sometimes too, FreqFlyer. I've already told my daughter that when the time comes, I will put MYSELF into assisted living or a facility, or if I am unable to express my wishes, that I want her to do it. I do NOT want her or any of my other children caring for me full time. She wasn't happy with that decision, and said, of course she would care for me, that she wouldn't want me to be sitting in a nursing home, waiting for someone to visit all the time. I told her then she needs to look at it from the other perspective and be the one that takes time to come visit, even if no one else does - but that I don't want her or any of the other kids caring for me full time. I simply can't do this to anyone else. Sorry if no one else sees it this way, but to me, as much as I love my mother, the stress, emotional upheaval, loss of "self" is just so completely unfair - I won't do it to someone else, even if I chose to do this for my mother. I know it was my choice, but if I could have seen how this was going to work out, I would have tried to find another way.

Ugh, that was a ramble, sorry. LOL

Well, if it was a ramble, Susan, it still made complete sense to me! Absolutely.

I was chatting over the encouragement v. realism debate with a close friend earlier on. Her mother is 94, lives in an ILF on a Channel Island, and is… you know… getting there… She broke a hip combined with a small stroke about 18 months ago, and so there we have the question of: how much better can she be expected to get, and how hard should anybody be trying to help her?

The fly in the ointment, it seems to me, is that niggling little voice at the back of your mind that reminds you that you don't want to let them go to pot for no good reason. Natural decline is one thing; but neglecting a small problem that could make a huge difference to quality of life is unforgivable. Unforgivable, but comparatively rare, is the thing we perhaps ought to be comforting ourselves with. Nine times out of ten, say, for the sake of argument, it is natural decline, our loved one is as active and independent as it is possible for her/him to be, and there isn't anything we should be doing that we're not already doing.

SusanA43, that is also what I want when the time comes.... so many of these retirement communities look like year around resorts, and are so very self contain. I am ready to put my name on the waiting list, just hope the list isn't too long with all the baby boomers getting ready to down size.

One of my cousins moved into a retirement community years ago when he and his wife turned 70 because it was impossible for him to take care of their large beautiful home and also take care of his mother's home and her yard. They had to give up their dream house to save their sanity. He took care of his Mom for 25 years, she past at 100 still living in her own home and had refused a retirement community. Now he and his wife and looking after her Mom who is now 100, still in her own home, refusing to move..... [sigh]

Ok, whine time! My mother's latest thing is that she now wants to be taken to the bank. GULP. I've been handling her affairs for the past year not because she's always been a shopoholic -- that's never been a problem. She just isn't able to maintain her bills, taxes, bank accounts, and so on. She doesn't understand any of it.
Now, all of a sudden, she think she needs a lot of cash on hand, which is alarming. She has made cash withdrawals twice in the last few weeks, for a good amount each time. Her only purchases are groceries, which she uses her credit card for, so this doesn't make sense.
She's defiant and oppositional, and she resents my involvement, so talking to her won't help -- if anything, it'll make her behavior escalate.
I've been trying for several months now to get her doctor to sign off on a letter that I can provide her bank. The banker said that having that letter would be very helpful in limiting her access and protecting her funds. But the doctor and his office are being EXTREMELY difficult. They won't return my calls. When I explained on their voice mail exactly what I was requesting, they left me another message saying they needed more information. I have tried calling them several times and STILL no return call. I'm about ready to take another personal day from work, and make the 3 hour drive down to their office, and demand an answer.

Susan I totally agree with what you are saying. I put it in writing to my sons that they under no circumstance allowed to take care of me if I get this way. I told them if its in writing they have to follow the directions. I don't know if that is true or not but that is what I told them. Why should they give up their lives for me. They did not asked to be born and they are not responsible for me ever.

looloo, how very frustrating for you. Trying to do the right thing & people just will not cooperate! Hope yoy give them a large piece of your mind if you end up having to make that long drive to the doc's office. Susan, my things are also in storage and I hate it! Went by there today to exchange warm weather clothes for my winter things...the place was infested with stinkbugs all over my sweaters, etc. I told my sons that I would not want to put them through what I deal with trying my best to care for aunt & uncle and to just shoot me if I get in their shape. Ha ha

even if nh was a better place for me someday id still rather live out my years in my home . its really pretty simple . i built this home and sacrificed all else to do it . i want my sons to have it as opposed to a nh corporation that skimps on patients comfort and underpays their employees . aunt edna has only been in nh for 4 months and ive seen a hellish employee turnover . somebody is making money and it isnt the employees . im pretty sure thats why my mom insisted on staying in her home . she wanted her assets to go towards improving the lives of her kids .

So glad I'm not the only one that feels the way I do about my kids not becoming my caregiver when I get older. I mean, I'm only 44 right now, so "old age" is hopefully quite a ways off yet, but anything can happen, of course.

I just refuse to become that sort of burden on my kids. They were not born to take care of me, though I'm sure they would, if they had to. But I simply won't put that kind of stress on them and their families when the time comes. I already know what it's done to my life, and I don't have a spouse or kids living at home anymore, so it's just me and Mom - but I can only imagine what would happen if I moved in with one of them when they had all of that and then me to take care of too. Not a pretty picture for them OR me.

Looloo - I hope you get that doc's office to wake up soon and get that letter for you - sounds like Mom could do herself quite a bit of financial damage if not carefully watched. My ex's parents lived with us for the last year of his life, and as his mind started to go due to lack of oxygen to the brain (he had cancer), he started to do and say some very odd things. They were an old-school southern couple, so she never learned to drive, handle a checkbook or anything of the sort. He did it all, and always kept cash in a bank envelope in his shirt pocket. We found that if allowed, he would keep ALL their money and not let his wife or anyone else have any - not even to pay for his prescriptions. So we finally realized that all he wanted was *some* money - but that the denominations might not matter. We gave him a bank envelope with a couple of $5s, $10s and some $1s in it - about $25 total - and that was enough. He would take it out of his shirt, thumb through the money, nod his head and put it back in his shirt pocket - satisfied that he had money. The denominations were irrelevant. Maybe something like that might work with your mom?

Looloo, is she stashing it somewhere in the house "in case" maybe? My mother went through a passing phase of fretting about this, but thank God it did pass. On the other hand, when I cleared out my great aunt's flat after her death, it seemed like there were emergency funds in every tissue box and packet of nylons.

Oh, and to *kind of* lighten things up a bit, here are some "Daddy-isms" from my ex's father during his last months. The things he said and did were pretty funny (to us, anyway), but the reason for them happening wasn't, of course. (He had terminal cancer and severe oxygen deprivation to the brain, which triggered the oddest things to come out of his mouth.)

Early one morning, I was up making breakfast and getting the kids ready for school and daycare, etc. Husband was in the bathroom showering, so it was just me and "Daddy" (husband's dad) in the kitchen. He sat there quietly for a while, then looked up at me with narrowed eyes and said, "Why did you marry (insert husband's name)??" I was a little taken aback, but said, "Because I love him!" To which he sneered, "You love GREENBACKS!" while rubbing his fingers together to indicate money. Then he proceeded to tell me I was a prostitute, that I had to marry his son for money when I couldn't wh*re around anymore. I couldn't help it - it just popped out - I laughed out loud and said, "Daddy, saying I married him for his money is like saying I married him for his big (insert rude name for male anatomy)!" Surprisingly, he started giggling, and that was the end of that....for a while. That was a claim that came up often - that I was a prostitute and married his son for his money. Right. That's why we lived in a little 3 bedroom house with 2 kids and 4 adults. Then-husband and I had to give his parents our bedroom and we slept on the sofabed. That's luxury, I'm telling you!

One of the repeating themes in his rants was that I was a witch, and had put a spell on his wife, so that she wouldn't listen to him or do anything he said to do. (Truth be told, after decades of tolerating his alcoholism and physical/emotional abuse, I think she was just tired of putting up with his crap and started fighting back in the only way she could - by ignoring him.) One afternoon, he sent his wife out to summon me to the bedroom, while she stayed out in the kitchen. He glared at me and said, "I know what you did. I want you to take it off!" Once again, he had me a little dumbfounded, and I told him I had no idea what he was talking about. He raised that crooked index finger of his, twisted it sideways and pointed it at me, saying, "You know what you did! You put a spell on her and she won't listen to me! I want you to take it OFF! You do that, and we'll be ok again." So, I went out into the kitchen, walked up to my MIL and said, "Hey, Momma - BOOGABOOGABOOGA!!", while waggling my fingers in her face. She broke out laughing and asked what in the world I was doing - I told her I was taking the spell off that I'd put on her. Poor thing almost fell over laughing. I went back in the bedroom and told my FIL I'd taken the spell off of Momma and now she would listen to him again. He smiled, thanked me, and that was the end of THAT little episode.

Those are the two episodes that stick in my mind - but there were many others. It's good to be able to laugh at these things sometimes, or you'd cry. Had no idea when I told my then-husband that his parents should move in with us because his father was dying that being called a witch and a money-grubbing prostitute was part of the deal!

Oh - one more. FIL needed help in the bathroom in his last months, but was able to get in there by himself. One day, he took MIL's purse in there with him - we never knew why. MIL went in to check on him to see if he needed help, and found him rummaging through her purse. She was FURIOUS. I mean, she had precious little privacy or independence as it was - she was never allowed to learn to drive or handle money - so her purse was the one thing that was HERS. She yanked the purse out of his hands and asked him what he thought he was doing. He spluttered and stammered, then glared at her and said, "I'll divorce your a** if you ever yank anything out of my hands again!" And this tiny, submissive, mild-mannered little Southern woman drew up her 95-lb. frame and yelled right back at him, "Oh yeah?! GO AHEAD! SEE WHO'LL WIPE YOUR A** THEN!!!" (I thought I'd die laughing at that one....LOL)

There was a nice young kid on the block here who took very good care of the old man next door. The old man died and left him the house and all its contents. So this kid decided to remodel it for his own mother and disabled sister. When he ripped out the walls, he found half a million in cash and bonds. So he bought two more houses for family members and fixed them all up real sweet. Sometimes kharma is a beautiful thing. He did spend a little on himself though. Bought a Harley. LOL.

WOW, Pam! Now, that would be some sweet karma coming back around!!

i was building my first home at the age of 28 - with a chainsaw . divorced and built another at the age of 41 . my sons are 26 and 31 and theyre hard workers and good young men but they seem to have other priorities besides building a home . it would be more fair for them to take care of an ill old man for a while in return for this place or half of its value than for them to wait till the old man crappies off and dive on his hard earned possessions . i think the state sees it that way too .
those are some humorous stories susan . sounds like you done a great job of coping with the delusions . i have a slightly older female friend who was dating one of the most affluent men in our county for a while . for years afterward her dad kept telling her that the biggest mistake she ever made was not marrying " johnny " . thats absurd but thats just how her dad was -- everything was about profit to him . her dad spent his life living in a falling down dump because he preferred saving piles of money .
my mom and dad lived in a moldy dump too , with 100 k in the bank . when dad crappied mom bought herself a new used modular home . mom was wise with a good sense of proportion .

the first old guy i just mentioned spent his last 20 or so years living with a neighbor lady . bout 4 years ago the lady passed away and her heir grandson came to town for the funeral . directly afterwards he withdrew all the money from her accounts that he was entitled to and hauled ass to las vegas with it . id like to think theres some middle ground between being a miserable old miser and spending thousands in inheritance in one weekend .. people are nuts . i see now why i dont have more friends . by the time you weed out all the wackos theres nobody left but aunt edna . shes demented and still more calculating and focused than anyone else i know .

Captain, tradition has it that the defining difference between Yorkshiremen and Lancastrians is their attitude to humanity's little ways. The Yorkshireman says "t'whole world's cracked 'cept thee and me, and I'm none too sure about thee." The Lancastrian sighs and says: "there's nowt so queer as folk."

Love and understanding, sweetheart, love and understanding.

Cm, maybe about 3 years ago, my mother did stash a bit of emergency cash in her house. At the time, she showed me where it was, and told me the balance -- pretty substantial -- and said she would be adding to it. I always have to be so careful whenever I say anything to her, so I said something like, "I think you should have more than enough for any lengthy emergency!" She did her usual, which was to look through me and not acknowledge what I just said.
I strongly suspect that she has no recollection of her emergency stash, and that this is the latest dementia thing -- she's put her previous obsession w/her insurance aside, and now, she's onto this. I contacted her care person and said the bank visits were getting excessive, and do whatever's possible to NOT take her anymore. She does NOT need to be doing any banking. No need for any more cash for a VERY long while, all her purchases are done via credit card. I also spoke to her banker, and am STILL playing phone tag with her doctor, pleading for that letter. At this point I'm not sure what magical properties the doctor's letter posesses, but the banker keeps emphasizing that it will help him organize her accounts. We're currently co-trustees and joint account holders, so I think with the letter, he'd be able to give me authority--even though I already HAVE POA, he still wants the letter, so I'm doing my darndest to get it.
Captain, I hear ya about the "whackos". I just don't have the patience for most people and their own particular brand of crazy. Got my hands full, at the moment :)

of course , love andtolerance but sometimes when you see a person in a bad situation a closer look might reveal seriously skewed priorities that put them there . careful about helping the helpless . learned that as a young gut . id work 6 days a week then spend sundays lying under my junk automobiles trying to coerce them into getting me by for another week . it never failed on the way to work monday id see grown men broke down on the highway . i finally realized they partied or watched sports all weekend while i worked on my junk car . i learned to leave them by the roadside and go on to work on time .
had a nice day today . heather is working with me again for a while and like ive said shes very meticulous with instructions . we had a late start and still got a lot done .
going to chi this sunday for our alice cooper concert with cubicle and salad shooter . indoor theatre type venue . the music ought to be clean and sharp . the loud volume isnt necessary indoors so theres no distortion . looking forward to it .

I am pretty pissed tonight. Thankful, but still annoyed!!

Long story really short, Doc took her off the Exelon patch which she;s been on for years!!!!! I questioned her going off rapidly he checked his book... said it was fine and put her on Depakote Grrrr. Asked the pharmacist the same question... is it SAFE to just stop a drug after years? He checked.... fine.

Meanwhile all hell ensued for weeks!

Dehydration. Serious confusion. Non responsive. Lethargy. Incontinence. You name it, my poor mother endured it

Today I video taped her.... took it to the docs office....saw docs nurse (whom I do adore) a few hours later, ON the patch again and off the depakote.

She's up, awake, ate a healthy dinner.

WTF is wrong with our medical system??

It's all about drugs, money, insurance companies, banks, drug companies, schools that teach healthcare is about drugs...healing the person, knowing the person, honoring the body wisdom, it's all out the windwo. Thus such stories abound.
Drugs never meant to heal. They "treat" symptoms while wrecking havoc with the rest of the body. Makes no sense to me.

You said it all judda. What a f****d up world we live in.

I guess it is safe to say that I am NOT happy about ANY of this.

No matter whom I questioned... answers were looked at in "The Book".

No matter how many times I tell them mom is super sensitive to meds.... it's all clinical Look, I get it. I really do. BUT.... when I tell them what's been happening, and the ER see's NO response to pain......7 minutes for a Cat Scan....?? Really?

I almost caved today , almost.

Not ever again will I let this happen to her. Never again.,