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Anche71,

Thanks for your answer. It helps me very much. What needs to change so that you can sleep better and not be so tired? New boundaries? Sleep medication? Therapy? It does not sound good that your son is constantly interrupting you and your husband discussing things. Can you ask him to wait until you and your husband can finished discussing something? Since your son is a teenager, why can't he help with the laundry and meals? For that matter, why can't your husband? One person working a 40 hour week and another working a 30 hour week leaves plenty of time in the day and on the weekends to deal with other things. Have you had a chance to tell your husband what the therapist has said?
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Notrydoyoda,
Thank you for dedicating me your time!

I think yesterday was just a bad day... The three of us go to work/school in town at around 30km. My son and myself by train and 2km on foot. We all get up early (son and I at 6) husband at 4. Yesterday husband arrived at home and started working in the garden for hours... So after lunch we actually didn't have much time...
My husband helps cleaning the house, he goes on errands. I really can't complain but... I think yesterday I was not ok: afraid for the job meeting and even more for my mum. And was not fine physically either since I have low blood pressure.

I find it difficult to sleep since I hear all the noises coming from downstairs, from my mom's flat. On Thursday at 23 she was walking in the laundry room... She thought it was afternoon. So getting up at 6 a.m.
I am anxious.

My son is great with my mom and when I can't work at home he prepares meals for himself and my mom.

Now he is back to school so he is away from 6.40 till 13.50.

The problem with my men is that I have to tell them what to do... I think it is very common for women. There's a great story in French about mental load. Organization remains on women's shoulders.

I am (was?) a very active person, well organized, full of hobbies... Now I realize I doesn't want to think. That is the reason why I am going to a therapist.
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Hi "Anche71,"

I know you and "Notrydoyoda" have been trying to assess your situation to come up with solutions. Your husband appears to be stressed out too and his gardening may be his way of decompressing after work. Also, he may be trying to "get away" or "avoid" the situation. I know a lot of people consider gardening therapeutic (my mom did when I was growing up) - you're outdoors in nature getting fresh air and working in a physical manner which works off the tension like when someone exercises.

Also, you mentioned you have to tell your son and husband what to do all the time. It sounds like you may get frustrated by that. How would they do with an actual list - it might help them keep on track and you wouldn't have to constantly tell them verbally which takes actual energy and can be exhausting in and of itself. For example, this is for me (not my husband) because I have so much to do and I'm overwhelmed. I typed out a list with four columns - the first column heading was individual cleaning chores, the second column heading was for paperwork/office type things, the third column heading was for outdoor work that needs to be done and the last column heading had to do with reorganizing each room. Then under each column I put the tasks starting with high priority items down to least priority. I look at my week and will put "M" for Monday next to the item and so on - I don't do anything on Sundays. This helps me to accomplish something each day and I don't have to try and remember what needs to be done. You just keep chipping away at the list until you get through it. Since I have it on the computer, I can always add or change something. It also feels good to check things off when you're done which only motives you more. A lot of people think they have to be motivated first and then do things but, actually it's the other way around - you do something even if it's small and then you become motivated. They even suggest you set a time limit like maybe work for an hour and usually a person will find when the hour is up, they still feel like doing more.

You're not wanting to think is because you're tired and burned out.

Just some thoughts. Hope you get some answers in how to work things out!
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Nobodygetsit
My husband hates gardening :-) but actually there was a problem to be solved...
He has a to-do-list so that is ok
And I should start making one too. I never needed to write appointments or whatever since I always remembered everything. I think it is time to start.

I feel like I have been unfair yesterday... I should have been more patient.

But it is true I would like them to see what there is to do without me telling them.

I really blame it on the virus and the lockdown. I have been talking with friends who all feel a little depressed even if they actually don't have big problems.
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I didn't write one thing: while I was waiting for my mom's x-ray I received another bad news: a friend passed away. We used to meet during the summer holidays when we were teens and in our twenties
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"Anche71,"

I'm sorry to hear while waiting for your mom's x-ray that you found out a friend from your earlier days passed away. I'm sure you were quite shocked to get that news. When our own friends start passing away, it can hit hard creating a different type of void.

As for making lists, I've heard that it frees up our mind for more important things i.e. making decisions when it comes to taking care of your mom instead of stressing it by trying to keep remembering all the little/other things in life that's just part of our daily routines.

Just remember, the pandemic/virus has affected us all in varying degrees - none of us have probably been ourselves in one way or another throughout this whole thing. I bet it would be safe to say we've all had a lousy year!
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Dear Nobodygetsit
I will buy myself a nice notebook and start writing... Not only the things I have to do but my thoughts, my feelings... They say that writing a journal is therapeutic.
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"Anche71,"

That's great - I think you will find it helpful to do. Yes, journaling is very therapeutic and it's great to have as a keepsake to see how far you've come in your journey. I kept one while my dad was dying in 2004. I used it for good things too. Sometimes when things get too hectic, you may only be able to write just a sentence - but it's your own journal and you get to do whatever you want with it!

I just printed out my to-do-list and now I just have to plan my week with it. Each week I can remove what I've done and "see" progress being made which helps with the motivation. I've tried to just "wing it" with my days/weeks but, I do better with some structure!
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I'm totally exhausted!!!
The last week has been awful!!
My Aunt had a TIA. She completely fine. I have been unable to get her on the phone because she's busy doing activities!! That's awesome for her! I am so glad, however, it doesn't erase the two nights of sleep I lost with worry.
This morning, as per usual , my brother hadn't paid the cellphone bill for my Mom. She could still receive calls. When I called her this morning she was overly emotional. Crying, sobbing! This has become her norm!
I try to do my best to be positive, but that only seems to aggravate her more!
Yesterday my Aunts phone wasn't working either. My other brother is in charge of that. He said he had no idea what to do!
He lives in the same state as my Aunt. He set up her phone!!
I am just soooooo tired of dealing with everyone else's problems when I have problems of my own!!!
I am having surgery next week.
How in the H*ll am I supposed to heal while dealing with everyone else's crap?? Rhetorical question!
Good Lord I need a restart button!!
My brothers are worthless!
I love them both dearly, but they are of no help!
My hubby has been amazing, but I fear his patients is getting as thin as mine.
I just needed to vent!
Writing it out actually helps!!
((((Hugs)))) to all of you that are caring for a LO no matter what the cost!!
God bless!!!
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Hugs back! Hope things mellow out soon. Sometimes life can drain us!
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Aw, Jodi, that sucks!

Tell both facilities that you are completely unavailable for 2 weeks (or however long you need to heal) and give them your brothers' phone numbers.

My younger brother used to drop the plates as he cleared the table so our parents would make ME do that chore. I caught on to him; parents never did.

Don't fall for their "incompetence".
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My whine stream of conscious: I spent another month of clearing belongings of my sister's belongings, aunts, and mother's. I've paid for a few rounds already of help with decluttering. I resent it all to be truthful. They had full lives to accumulate so much personal belongings. I am the opposite and wish to live with less. I meanwhile I found some financial information which could add to the resentment over the course of this sorting and I refuse to overthink but I realize I have an undercurrent of anger. Mom is holding on still and stable but that could change at any time as she is frail and still declining but not acute. Always something, but not much time to myself. I thought I made a friend who similarly was a caretaker until her grandfather recently passed. She asked to join me on my daily walks recently. We're hardly good friends but rather than call she sent text messages asking why I am not available "to her". I'm not available "to me" I responded. I just want to move on. A few job opportunities are passing me by, but I don't feel settled with this clearing project. It's all grief and I want new memories.
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Pasa,

You are correct in making yourself a priority. Enjoy your solitude in your walks!

Best wishes to you.
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My whine today is a backed up sewer in the basement. Fortunately it didn't spread very far. Sil came over and unplugged it and dealt with most of it. Dd and I are continuing and will do final clean up tomorrow if all still drains well. Sigh - always something.

Very thankful for the help.

I want to live in a hotel where all this stuff is looked after for you.
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Golden - backed up sewer sounds and smells awful. Is your sil a plumber? Good that he could help.

Also, since I've read so so many many complaints on this site from adult children helping their parents with the upkeeping of the parents' homes, I just want to point that out. I'm not at all saying your sil and dd would complain about helping you. Not at all. I don't know them and your situation. I just want to bring it up as a caution to you.

Now, backing away...
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Golden,

That is my dream! Give me a nice hotel suite! Forget the maintenance of a home, right?

Sorry about your sewer issues.
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Sewer issues fixed. Humidifier too. I did have to call in a plumber. Sigh of relief!

polar - I hear you, however the shoe is on the other foot in my case. I suggested calling a plumber yesterday but sil said he would see what he could do. I have hosted them as a family when they were between jobs, had dd and dgs here for 5 months last year, and have dd and dgs here now staying until dd and sil work out their problems. They buy their food but I pay for the rest. In short, I have been very good to them and they know it. Sil offers to do lawn mowing anytime but I mostly prefer a company as they do a better job. He feels if he can help me it pays back a little of what I have and am doing for them. I have offered to pay him for jobs and he absolutely refuses.
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Haven’t been able to sleep well. Have had a few disturbing dreams. Oh well...
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I have to lay off the coffee in the evening! I need to drink more herbal tea!
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NHWM, you have been busy tonight. Yes, lay off that coffee! I found out years ago that if I drank a caffeinated soda after noon, I would have a hard time sleeping. I haven't had a soda in years and years other than ginger ale when not feeling well, maybe once or twice a year. Oh and maybe a sonic limeade a couple times a year. I think that is sprite.
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Glad,

Yep, you’re right! I should switch to decaf or herbal tea. My allergies have been acting up and I find hot drinks soothing so I grab coffee.
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Makes me wonder is soda could have anything to do with one of my assistants struggling so with an autoimmune disease that she has. She has a very large soda at least once a day, probably more when she gets home. The last couple of months she has really been struggling to catch her breath. She has been covid tested and at this point it isn't that. Could be smoke in the air from fires here too, I imagine.

NHWM, look for Bigelow Ginger and lemon tea. Maybe that would help with your allergies. It has probiotics too.
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Glad,

I love lemon in tea so I would like that flavor.

Many people drink sodas in place of coffee. They drink a ton of it. It has to have some negative effects.

I don’t like sugar in my coffee or tea but I am still consuming caffeine. I love Darjeeling tea but that has caffeine too. Unless it’s herbal it’s caffeinated.
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NHWM, go shopping for herbal tea today. In NO you must even have specialty tea shops. There are some wonderful varieties out there. I switched from coffee to green tea on a daily basis 15-20 years ago. Coffee was causing gastric issues, it was either nexium for life or give up coffee. I do go out for a nice plain hot latte on Saturday mornings. No added sugar or flavors. The syrups used in fancy coffees leave horrible aftertaste for me. Same with the flavored creamers.😣
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Glad,

I will. Yes, we have tea shops.

I hate those syrupy concoctions. I always say people who drink those don’t like the taste of coffee! LOL
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Agreed, people that drink the frufru coffees don't really like coffee.
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My son may have broken one of his fingers... I do not know if to take him to the hospital. Because of the pandemic I don't know if it is a good idea to take him there.
I broke twice my left ring finger and my son broke one 3 years ago. They were clearly broken, I could see that but it doesn't seem broken this time. So I don't know what is the best thing to do
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Anche71,, you are probably safe to take him to the hospital or an urgent care. The hospitals are very into cleaning these days, and safety issues. I work for one of the largest hospitals in the US, and we are moving back to pre covid normal every day, even allowing visitors at this point. You will need masks, but that is better than having it heal badly and needing surgery down the road to fix a poorly healed break.
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Pamzimmrrt
Husband took him to urgent care. We'll see.
We always have to wear masks in Italy when inside a building or trai/bus etc.
I can take it away in my office since I am alone but I wear it to move around the company building.
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My constant whine is that I am expected to keep my dad's house clean, when he has a son that lives with him. Granted the son cooks and does some laundry...but the place is dirty and dishes are washed once a week.
I work 40+ hours a week and have my own home & family to keep up with. The situation will never change, but it helps to whine once in a while!
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