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Captain, I think you're amazing! And you're right. This morning, when Mama is again having a somewhat blue morning, I did catch just a faint little smile a bit ago...and I can live on that for a while today....I have to remember I can't fix this...I want to, but I can't. I would trade places with her if only I could....but I know she would not want that either. So I will just do what I have been doing for as long as God gives me the honor of caring for Mama and trust that all will be well. I get anxious and I know there is no need to be so, as there is nothing I can do but take the best care of her that I can....but again, that nagging feeling keeps coming up that I want to fix it...God bless her...just going forth today with a positive attitude, doing everything I CAN do and trusting God to do the rest.. Hoping for a good day for everyone out there... Thanks Captain. :)
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And you're right about the time wasters...Especially right now, I don't have time for those...I don't want to be mean to them, just don't have the energy to use on them that needs to be saved for Mama.
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I have been dragging my feet big time when it comes to picking up the phone and making doctor appointments.... when I do actually dial the phone and if I hear I am number 6 in the queue, I hang up... [sigh]

I need to set back-to-back appointments for Mom and Dad eye doctor... Mom and Dad blood work and general physical... Mom and Dad dermatologist.... Mom GYN which means another appointment mammogram.... oops, I forgot, back to the hearing aid person.... and I need to juggle these appointments around my own doctor appointments, of which there are many, and work schedule which means half a day off for each one.

Do you feel like screaming if you see one more waiting room?
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FF, you are on the right track with the back to back apts.. that is what I do as much as possible. we get off track sometimes as someone may need to be sooner, or Dad sees podiatirst and Mom cardiologist.. but I really try to do this.
I know what you mean about the jeep.. I have had SUVs for 15 years now. I work at the Hop in Baltimore and they expect me to be there too. However, thanks to the magic of FMLA and the fact that the CG can't get to our house if the snow is too bad... win win for me!!! It's an hour drive for me one way, and I am getting too old for the stress of that drive in the snow and ice. However, I will say that last year I spent 2 nights in a hotel in Bmore due to the weather.So I could work. Thank God hubs stepped up with the generator and potty water...
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And Mom's hearing aid guy will come to our house!
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great day today . after a 400 mile round trip to chicago and back with no problems an idler pulley bearing went out on the small trk today and of course ate the serpentine belt -- one mile from a friends house . set me back 70 bucks for both idlers and the new belt but it was an easy fix and i am overjoyed that it didnt fail me out on my highway trip . thats the kind of little things that we should be thankful for . work is going to be slow at the farm till my load ofstone comes in so i went to the state forestry and theyre letting me harvest firewood for 3 bucks a truckload . again , quite a blessing . supplying my renter with firewood means i dont even have to pay my share of the utilities for dam near a year . so im sitting here munching on cold venison sandwiches thinkin im the luckiest sob alive . of course i have a couple of cash firewood customers too . one of them last year traded me an all steel trailer for some wood . the trailer got chopped up and became my new truck bed . good things dont just fall out of the sky , you have to make them happen .
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one more post on daylight losing time.

"When told the reason for daylight savings time the old Indian said, "Only the Government would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket, sew it to the bottom, and have a longer blanket".

HA!
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Ff, do your parents really need to see all those separate docs? Your mom is still getting mamos? Isn't she in her 90s? What will be done if a lump is found?
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This is caregiver's month. What are you doing for yourself? Our monthly caregiver's support group will be celebrating it at the hotel. We most likely will have some speakers come in the morning, and then real lunch. I went last year and they had someone come in to help us understand Medicare, enrolment, penalty for late enrolment, etc... I won't be able to go this year. I work. And this time, we can bring a guest. Too bad. I really feel bad that I can't go.

So treat yourself to something this month. Find a way to find a parent-sitter. Movie? Have lunch at that restaurant you always wanted to go to? As for me, I splurged by buying most of my favorite author's ebook series. I have reread her books several times. I'm going to re-read it again. Each time I read it, I find stuff that I didn't catch previously. Either that, or I'm getting forgetful! =)

So... Kudos to all of Us Caregivers! And Experienced caregivers who still help out here on AC even when they're no longer caregiving.
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Love this idea for sure! I guess for starters I am going to get my health back on track starting tomorrow...then maybe celebrate that by doing something fun...yes I like this idea a lot!!!
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ba8alou, yes my Mom is 97 and still gets mammograms, it takes two techs to help her with the x-ray as Mom is so tiny and frail... she had a sister who had breast cancer 40 some years ago who has since passed on so Mom is afraid she might get it even though her other two sisters [one who passed at 100] never had breast cancer.

I know it doesn't make sense because if cancer is found no surgeon is going to touch her at that age, and I doubt any Oncologist will give her chemo. Mom is very hard of hearing so it is difficult to discuss this with her. I will need to corner her GYN and ask her what should we do... I don't think Medicare even pays for mammograms in that age group.
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FF She had it fixed in her mind so is unlikely to change so stop fussing about it. if she is willing to put up with the discomfort let her be. It's not your boobs being put through the mangle. Medicare may still pay at least every 24 months especially as she had a close relative with ca breast. Don't know if that continues into the nineties but it is certainly OK in the mid 70s.
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Veronica91, yes I am fussing because it's an appointment Mom doesn't need... it's a half day off from work I don't need.... it's time on the road I can't deal with [I get panic attacks driving].

Then I go into a cold sweat and overwhelming memories hits me big time because the imaging center is the same place where I learned I had breast cancer 5 years ago. Sitting in the waiting room makes me want to cry. My parents never knew I had cancer because Dad was still in recovery from a heart attack, so their household was in overdrive, to me I didn't feel fair to announce what was happening to me. I held this secret from all my relatives because I didn't want it to slip out to my parents.
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Ff, that's kind of a huge deal. Going through the diagnosis, treatment, and recovery, and taking on so much for your parents -- and never telling any family about it, in order to spare them the stress.
Personally, if your mother doesn't need the mammogram, then cancel the appointment. Make up something to tell her if you need to -- something about AMA standards changing to once every 3 years for women over age 80 or something like that.
You do NOT need to put yourself through this, so don't.
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I think I will try to corner my Mom's gyn and ask if Mom needs to go every year for a mammogram, or can she go every 2 to 3 years. The test are very painful for her because her back is now slumped over. And on the way home Mom will tell me "those girls don't know what they are doing".... "they gave me a 3-D test and I didn't want it" [no it wasn't the 3-D]... "the machine is different, I will go someplace else next year".... [sigh]

I have a similar issue with Mom's oncologist who she has been seeing for 20 some years because Mom last a low blood count, but on her last visit the doctor said don't come back because, if she hadn't got leukemia by now, she won't get getting it. Come next summer it will be struggle to convince her of what he said.

Same situation with Mom's urologist, she has a very slow moving bladder cancer and the doctor also said she doesn't need to come back... this cancer won't be the death of her. Why put her through this check-up.

Believe me, if a doctor said everything is fine, I don't need to see you anymore, I would be happy as a clam :)
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freq,
your mother is 97 ? wow
im constantly amazed at the ww11 vets who are still in our communities . i know a few of them and if they have any health problems they never speak a word about it . just some hardcore old fellows .. many of them are in their 90 ' s ..
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I am amazed at a doctor who would continue to want to put someone in their 80's or 90's through things like mammographies, colonoscopies, etc.....I'm not sure what they would recommend if they actually found something...I am thankful that none of my Mama's doctors have gone that route. It just seems to put the patient AND the one who needs to get them there through an awful lot of effort and concern over something that just really seems unnecessary at this point...

The flip side of this was my Mama would not go to a doctor for years and years and then when she started falling and breaking bones she still did not want to go, but thankfully the doctors she came into contact with did not recommend that she do so either...other than the things necessary for their comfort at this point.
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hope,
colonoscopies are lifesavers at any age and the slight surgery required shouldnt pose a problem for a patient of any age .
i understand your message but colonoscopies might have been a bad example as the procedure is so non invasive .
ct scans have became so effective that they catch everything from arterial plaque to small cancers in their infancy . in fact theyve became so effective that autopsies are being performed with them -- no scalpel or cutting needed .
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I guess I am coming from a personal note re the colonoscopy.. My Dad, age 82, had a colonoscopy where a polyp was discovered, followed by surgery during which a perforated colon occurred and a massive infection set in...Daddy was already very sick, and to me, it was ludicrous to perform this procedure on him...I will always believe it hastened his departure with a time that was already short...Sorry, but I still feel the same way about those.
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i cant argue with that , hope. i never realized they could be so dangerous .
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Don't get me wrong...I still believe colonoscopies are invaluable when done on a regular basis and if there is not some other issue going on that may negate the value of them, but as with anything else, I guess it depends on the age, health, prognosis, etc. and for Daddy to already be so sick and talk Mama into having it done and at that time, making her feel she HAD to do it for his health...it really affected Mama after his death because she felt responsible for letting him do the procedure...I told her she acted based on what she thought to be reliable and learned information so she shouldn't beat herself up...but it was just a bad situation for us...
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My irk are those doctors that keep a patient coming back every 6 months... such as my parent's eye doctor.... both my parents have macular degeneration, there is no cure for it, it just gets progressively worse. So why drag the person through all the eye testing every 6 months knowing you can't help them. Then my Mom is so disappointed that she's not getting a new prescription for her eye glasses... sorry, Mom, there was no change. How she use to love to read. There is hope in the future as research is working on how to treat macular degeneration, but it is just in its beginning trial stages.
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Hope what happened to your father is exactly what happened to my beautiful mother who passed away the day after Christmas nearly four years ago.
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this is going to get interesting . the fed is determined to get some of these scrip narcotics off the streets and as always with legislation from eggheads there will be unintended consequences . one of these will be a move to street heroin for many opiate users , another will be doctors going completely out of business because by their own admission people only come to them for " candy " . if you dont produce the candy you never see them again . the next but probably not the last ill effect will be south of the border ( and american bathtub drugs ) filling the void . these drugs will be of questionable content and lack any kind of quality control . i generally see years into the future and this drug mess will never be better until big pharma is producing safer recreational drugs and this is easily within their ability .
every nation uses drugs , always have and always will . im not saying its a wise thing to do . im just saying drug abuse isnt going to go away .
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i read a story recently that listed about 40 different animals and then listed the drugs of choice of these various animals . self medicating isnt just limited to humans .
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I'm so sorry toomuch.....it is so hard to lose our precious ones and then to feel like you had them "hastened away" even sooner than they had to go...Daddy was not well, there was no denying that, but for the doctor to represent to my Mama this was something that might give him lots more time...afterwards, I called and talked to him and he told me flat out...your Dad was just OLD....I was livid....after letting him know exactly what I thought of him, I wrote a letter to the Chairman of the Board of that hospital but was promptly told of course that my Mama would have to be the one who addressed the matter....which she was not willing to do...it was too painful for her and I didn't force the issue...it was too late ...but so sad...and made a terribly sad situation even sadder...

I am worried about Mama tonight. She has had a fever most of the day, which I have managed to get at bay now and have been in contact with our Hospice team...I know this is going to be part of it...but it is frightening nonetheless...I was changing her tonight and to my horror found NO urine output....I am monitoring this carefully and have been informed to call Hospice if there are any further changes...her breathing is good, she took her meds, she is not very hungry but I know with a fever that is not uncommon and she has eaten well up to now...but still it is frightening...am going to watch her a while longer and then try to get some sleep. Tomorrow is my doctor's appointment and am wishing now I didn't have to go....must remember, God is in control....
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i think it'd be an accurate statement to say that the last few months of an ailing parents life the primary carer is in a terminal state of grief and shock . maybe these are the very emotions that cause us to push thru the exhaustion and do the best job we can on the elders behalf . when they cease to exist there is definately a sense of relief that they are no longer suffering but then theres that deafening silence . i had to get out of my moms house in a matter of hours after she passed away . my domestic partner was gone and the place seemed foreign and lifeless .
good luck to you hope . youve had a lot of personal turmoil . try to be as cheerful with mom as possible under the circumstances . its the smiles and laughter that youll remember after shes gone . my aunt in spite of her age and dementia is one who keeps it light and chuckles a lot . ill have great memories of the many hearty laughs weve had . my mom was ill with bipolar most of her life so the laughs were few and far between . caring for her in her final months was tense and difficult . men dont handle the crying jags very well ..
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Head colds running rampant here, my wife, me, then dad, now my wife again.... Dad does not listen, waits to take meds, gets worse. Then throwing up and diarrhea for a few days. Throws up in the sink not the toilet..... Has hourly descriptions of the oblations. Daily calls to the Dr. Now wet wheezing, that's it, hes going to the Dr. today. Was supposed to be my wife's and I week of alone time while he went to my sisters. Maybe next week? Have to go to a family event for 3 days so no quiet time for us. Need a get away! My bro and sister have no responsibility but my sister now checks in all the time because she is the nurse (me EMT) and she is 8 hours away........ I think I can manage. But I just want to run away! Far away......................... but alas I have to work..... at home...... with it all......... There are days I yearn for the office.
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There is an excellent book by a man named Sherwin Nuland, "How We Die" ...

Our parents are too old. It's a fact, and it shouldn't be hurtful if a doctor tells you that.

And once they lose their ability to think, what's the point? No, I'm not for killing them off before their time, but at some point we have to accept the fact that they die because their bodies just can't pump the blood through the 80 plus year old veins that have had blood pumped through them for, well, 80 years plus.

While it's hurtful, it's fact. And at some point we need to accept fact, at some point we are all going to die. I know my mom is too old at the age of 91. She's just too old.

Note: doctors don't usually put the death as age related, there's always some cause they use, heart failure (which is true, the heart failed because the heart was 'too old', or kidney failure, (yes, the kidney's fail because they are 'too old'.

We cannot expect our elders to be around forever and once we understand that with our brains, not our hearts, we will all be better off.
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Litldogtoo, that was so well written and so true. This makes me think of one of the questions I find most tiring: How's your mother? I say she is fine or the same, whichever seems best. Maybe I just say that she is old and she is going to continue being old until she is gone. I know the people asking are just being polite, but they ask the same question each time you talk to them. They don't realize that each person we talk to ask us the same question.

Maybe we should just say "still old," but that feels a bit crass. :-/
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