I'm tired of cooking/preparing 3 meals a day. It's just the two of us but boy oh boy can that woman eat!! She stays slimish, I get fattish. It's bad enough I do everything here much less start making her one thing and me the other. At times I feel guilty when I buy her fast food cuz of the nutritional value....not to mention I eat it too.
I had an awful, awful day. Crazy. It has to do with the caregivers. I hired private caregivers for my Mom.
They've worked for us for many months. It is very hard to find trustworthy caregivers where my Mom and I reside. Our last ones behaved terribly - then I found the current ones. And yesterday/today they were awful (there have been other awful incidents, but yesterday/today was the worst) (I would have fired them long ago, but I don't have other, better caregivers right now).
I've experienced it now a few times (I'm sure others have been in my situation). The following:
Private caregivers who on purpose create lots of trouble for the adult child, partially for the fun of it. It's like a game for them. They're in a position of power. They know I can't suddenly find good replacements, I can't fire them that easily. They get fun out of putting me through a rollercoaster.
I need to fire them. I'll do so asap. (I don't want to give any more details about this whole vent, than the details I'm writing here).
I have some ideas of alternative caregivers, but nothing concrete yet. We have 2 caregivers (A and B). (They treat my Mom quite well; sweet/kind to her).
Yesterday (A) sent an audio message to (B). But accidentally, (A) sent the message to me. I listened to it.
It said "Let's scare the hell out of Venting. C'mon (B) just a little more, scare her a bit more tonight."
They did succeed in the end, in making me go through a whole rollercoaster in the past 48 hours. I couldn't just turn off my mobile. I had to solve some problems with them on the phone (they know that and used the opportunity to make me have an awful, awful day, psychologically manipulating the whole day). They knew certain problems/decisions had to be solved, so they tried to intimidate/pressure me into a certain direction.
Good luck to all! It's so important to have reliable, kind, competent caregivers. Not psychopaths, who abuse their power position.
Me thinks that you have been deceived into thinking a paid caregiver actually has any power, over the care recipient, over you, over the household.
The paid caregiver does have responsibilities: (Under the direction and supervision of others, such as yourself, your Mother, her doctors, the POA).
Assisting with personal care: bathing and grooming, dressing, toileting, and exercise. Basic food preparation: preparing meals, shopping, housekeeping, laundry, and other errands. General health care: overseeing medication and prescriptions usage, appointment reminders and administering medicine, (under the direction of the physician who has the power to prescribe the meds.)
Why do you give away your power?
I can understand how you would get confused, especially if the caregivers were psychopaths or had tried to mess with your mind.
They are there to serve your Mother.
You did good to fire them!
Caregivers do have power. I can't easily find, with the snap of my fingers, replacements. They know that.
I take a risk in hiring quickly new people, without taking time, making sure the new people are good.
It's possible you haven't found yourself in my situation. But believe me, it happens a lot. Caregivers who know, you won't easily be able to replace them, and definitely not quickly - and if you do change quickly agency, or private caregivers, you might be jumping into an even worse situation, because you didn't have time to choose carefully.
They know that.
So they try to squeeze what they can from you. My mother and I reside in a place where this is very common.
Yes they tried to mess with my mind. We decided to fire them right away, and take the risk with a new agency.
It is true that there are psychopaths, bullies, and caregivers who might exploit their roles as caregivers, and I empathize with your situation.
You said: "It's possible you haven't found yourself in my situation." As if I would have to disclose my experiences to you in order to have credibility with you. Or if my experiences are not identical to yours, they hold no value to you.
But that's okay, you take what info you want that can help you, and ignore the rest. I just came by to support you.
Turns out, those caregivers you mentioned had no real power over you, as evidenced by you firing them.
If you think caregivers have "power" over the people who employ them you are much mistaken, my friend.
Maybe you hired some psychos who wanted to play head games with you. There are people like that out there.
I've been an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years. The last 18 years have been in private-pay service only.
Now, I know A LOT of in-home caregivers. Believe me when I say, I know everybody in my area who works in my field. All private caregivers do because we throw each other's way if we can't take it ourselves.
I've known as few caregivers who weren't great. I have never known one who deliberately made the lives of a client's adult children difficult just for the fun of it.
What you may think is 'complicating' your life can very well be your caregiver doing their job no more and no less. Your elderly "loved ones" are not our responsibility when our shifts end. It is not our responsibility to make an elder's home compatible for a hired caregiver to be successful. It is also not out responsibility to chase down our pay which every caregiver on private duty has had to do at one time or another. Myself included. I have also been accused by adult family members of complicating their lives and making their lives hard.
Nope. I make myself very plain so I am never misunderstood by anyone's adult kids.
They know from day one that I can be depended on, but I don't play games. Also, my pay is always on time every week and in full. Every family I've ever worked for knows that if my money isn't there on payday, I will walk away and their loved one gets no care from me (or any of my girls who might also share the position) until I'm paid up. The same goes for them being paid too. If the clients are invalid or bad off, I'll call an ambulance for them before I go.
This might sound harsh, but families will pull all kinds of crap on us. Everything from stiffing us on our pay to dumping their kids off at dementia grandma's house because her caregiver will babysit them.
I learned fast how not to be taken advantage of. What might seem like caregivers making a family's life hard is really only caregivers making sure their own best interests are being upheld.
Me: I take care of my husband with dementia 24/7.
Her: So, do you have any exciting plans for the summer?
Me:
Nice to hear you!
You have deeply misunderstood my situation.
Of course I'm not talking about good caregivers who're doing a fantastic job, and the family is taking advantage of them. Of course that happens. Terrible. If I were talking about that, don't you think I would be wording things differently?
Is it hard to believe that the opposite can happen - a good family, and caregivers trying to behave badly, psychologically/emotionally/physically?
I'm talking about:
Caregivers who are bad. It happens. In fact, I posted this, so that someone somewhere might learn from my experience. My horrible experience might as well serve a purpose. Be careful. Of course I did a background check of the caregivers, I tried my best to hire good people, driver's license, etc. And yet, this can happen.
I understand you personally don't know any caregiver who has intentionally caused trouble for adult children (or their clients), but they exist! Really! We have it on video: intentionally doing things against my Mom. And I know, intentionally doing things against me.
We always pay on time. We pay exactly as the contract says. Money wasn't the problem. Nor were they talking about working conditions.
Please understand, not every caregiver/client is the same. There are horrible clients/families. There are horrible caregivers.
Yes actually, some caregivers have enormous power. They know (if they behave badly), you still won't be able to replace them quickly (wisely, with good background checks). If you must quickly hire new caregivers, you're taking a huge risk. Hence, some families will put up with some things. But sometimes, the behavior is very, very bad. That's what happened to me. If I would bring that audio message to the police, it qualifies as threatening someone's safety.
In any case, I fired them. And we now have another agency working for us: I had a few hours to interview the new caregivers (agency). Too little time.
Well, excuse me! So, if I have white linen shorts, hand made, it is ok to wear those. I sure have no freaking idea where she got this craziness! Certainly not from me! Wish I had white linen shorts! She wants everyone to dress up, no beach attire, no shorts, not even hoedown barn attire to eat bbq. LOL!!
For me anyway, that way you can't see where things dribble through the hole in my bottom lip that developes when I wear white or eat BBQ.
Congratulations to your daughter and her new hubby.
Will the twisteds be there? I seem to remember you having some concerns about that.
I Told the doctor she is not eating because her stomach aches, and yesterday she was crying in pain, she is about 25kgs now. This is breaking my heart, I want her on palliative care! I have talked with the caregivers about that but it is in the doctor’s hands who more than a week ago thought my mom would live just a couple of days. And it’s Saturday today so she will not be available… I hope a can talk to somebody when I go there in a couple of hours.
My son will have the final oral exam on Wednesday, I hope my mom will live to know he finished high school, she is so proud of him. She was crying yesterday because she was sorry she is so bad while he is taking these exams, saying he has always been so good to her… it his hard to put on your brave face on, hard to swallow your tears not to make your mom suffer even more, not to let her go after having lived your whole life together. A strong tiny woman, I deeply love and admire! I am so lucky to have her…
Your description of your mom reminds me of my grandmother -- a tiny Italian woman who was so strong and endured so much but always thought of others even in her lowest times. Many ((((hugs)))), Anche. You're doing what you can do, and you're doing great. I'm just so, so very sorry.
And now I have to change what I was going to wear. It won't be warm enough. Event starts at 6 goes until 9. It is very cool today, mid 60's and rain! I bought a summer weight skirt, would be great for a beach wedding😉😉, but not at 65 degrees!
Wish I Had an avalanche sweatshirt! 😏😏 bad game last night.😟😟
At least I brought home some cute short boots I bought on sale. Should be perfect for a wet parking lot. DD is probably depressed this.morning because it is not a nice day for a summer reception. Wonder if the barn is heated. I am such a baby!
You're a very strong and compassionate person. I know that both qualities will support you and your family through this difficult time, but that doesn't make it any easier to experience it.
Is there a reason the doctor won't prescribe palliative care? Is this due to the doctor, or an Italian regulation? Is there a director of nursing or someone else to whom you can speak? Regardless, it seems that some level of medicine would help ease her physical pain. If other family members supported you, perhaps the doctor would be more responsive? It's just humane care to provide comfort and care during someone's last days.
I wish you and your mother and family as much peace and consolation as is possible during this unpleasant time. From what you've written, each of you are very, very special people.
So on Monday, DH took me to Patient First. A NP said "I'm going to give you an RX, Macrobid." My response THREE TIMES "I'm allergic to Macrodantin, it gave me double pneumonia last March for which I was hospitalized!!" She said "It's not Macrodantin." More on that later down this thread.
On Tuesday, DH had to pull me up out of bed as I was in a weakened state and that was for BP cuff and thermometer, which I have at home. My temp was 102.9, which came down to 102.4 and then ran normal. Next day my temperature was still normal, but still in a weakened state. Early Thursday morning when I was more lucid, I was able to confirm that I was correct all along that Macrobid IS Macrodantin via google. However, I had DH take me to the ER as I was in a weakened state and my back was hurting and have a hx of kidney stones.
ER did kidney ultrasound and CT abdominal scan (hx of 4 kidney stones AND my back was hurting), CBC Panel, EKG, urine dip stick test (which I have to schedule WHEN WELL with PCP for f/u and complete urinalysis - I had blood in urine also), was RX'd Cephalexin.
I tell the ER doctor about the Macrobid and even she said it was not Macrodantin - BUT she was going to check, but never came back to me as a patient coded.
I had been slightly nauseous. Past two days I able to eat and hydrate well. I drank water on days I was nauseous. Starting to feel a little more like myself, but I do tire easily so of course have to be cautious not to overdo.
A big THANK YOU to all my wonderful friends here on the forum.
Llamalover47
I get what you're saying, but really caregivers have no power. If we had any chips in the game the agencies who employ us would be treating us decently.
The private families who employ us would do the same. They would also make sure that they uphold their end of the deal as well.
They don't though because the truth is people in this line of work are disposable. We can be easily replaced. A family may actually have to take care of their elderly loved one themselves for a couple days until the agency sends someone else? Or put them in respite in a nursing home for a couple of weeks until they can find another private caregiver?
Don't get me wrong. I've known many caregivers who weren't good that I would not leave anyone I cared about with. The agencies who employ them don't do their work and vet these people properly. Familes who hire privately have the same responsibility and often don't do it either.
Then you get the ones who think it's supposed to be free and get resentful because they have to pay. Serving their "loved one" and their family is supposed to be the caregiver's only purpose in life and they get angry and resentful if it's not. Happens all the time.
Caregivers have no power. If we did this line of work would be far more respected and would pay a lot more.
You still misunderstand.
Caregivers HAVE A LOT OF POWER.
What makes you think my previous caregivers were through an agency?
First mistake. You assumed they were from an agency.
No, they were private caregivers. We pay them much more than the normal amount, because we wanted to. We are a good family. My Mom and I treated them very well. They agree, they're treated well.
What makes you think it's always the caregivers who are victims of bad pay, bad work conditions?
Second mistake.
Our caregivers are treated very well. What was the problem? Some people are bad people. Is it so hard to believe there are bad people in the world?
Read about it anywhere:
There are caregivers who FINANCIALLY EXPLOIT their clients. How?
Example:
Caregiver: If you don't do X, or give me Y, or sign Z, I'll leave you stranded. I'll just leave. What does a vulnerable, elderly adult do who is 100% dependent on the caregiver? Whose life depends on them? Who dies within X hours, if the caregiver doesn't do what they're supposed to do? Some people can manage just fine for several days without a caregiver. Some people medically MUST HAVE A CAREGIVER every X hours.
Financial exploitation is not the only way to do bad things.
Some caregivers do emotionally/psychologically/physically bad things.
Third mistake:
You assume that where you reside, is the same everywhere. It's not. Where my mother and I reside, there are many caregivers who are bad people (some people even chose this job, so they can on purpose have access to vulnerable people). Where my mother and I reside, people retaliate. They might even tell one of their friends to go back to that house, and do bad things. My Mom and I happen to be friends with the Mayor. And even the Mayor says, one must be careful: people retaliate (let's say, you speak up about their bad behavior).
What makes you think every city, every town - is the same? Some cities have more crime, more criminals than others. More criminally-minded people.