I'm tired of cooking/preparing 3 meals a day. It's just the two of us but boy oh boy can that woman eat!! She stays slimish, I get fattish. It's bad enough I do everything here much less start making her one thing and me the other. At times I feel guilty when I buy her fast food cuz of the nutritional value....not to mention I eat it too.
we are in many ways, heroes.
——
i say this, because so many of us are abused daughters (abused right now, by our elderly parent/s). we’re getting abused WHILE we help.
all that abuse can start brainwashing your mind. you start forgetting the reality, which is that you’ve saved your parent/s from countless medical and administrative disasters.
we are heroes.
——
i wish us to be heroes also for our own life. save your life, too.
hug!!
bundle of joy :)
your abuser is making everything a million times harder for you…
…is stealing lots of precious time from you
…is sabotaging your efforts
for example: maybe you’re helping to solve an admin problem, which could have been solved in 2 minutes. but your abuser sabotages your efforts, dragging out the problem as long as possible.
it’s not even YOUR admin problem. it’s theirs. but you’re kindly helping. and they SABOTAGE.
in other words, they made everything much more difficult for you: gave you more stress, more problems, AND STOLE YOUR TIME.
you probably could have solved many problems very quickly.
abusers also know that if certain problems aren’t solved (let’s say you decide not to help), it’ll create a mess in your life later.
anyway, what i’m saying is…
they’re making it much more difficult for you, on purpose. and stealing your time, on purpose.
My whine moment today: more of an observation.
I tried to talk to some friends (their parents are still young) about my caregiving troubles. They can’t really imagine what it’s like. I was hoping they could understand.
I think it’s true, that unless you’ve been through it, you don’t completely understand.
i wish us to find a way out.
I like Greek myths too. Sisyphus was the one I identified with.
re your war analogy - soldiers who get wounded in battle are taken away from the battlefield to be cared for and to allow for healing. They don't stay to get injured again and again. We need treatment and healing time away too.
Soldiers are also trained and prepared for battle. We need preparation - which can come from reading about the conditions our abusers have. Melody Beattie writes about codependency which is often present in abusive families. Our abusive parent may well have a personality disorder and or be narcissistic. There is good info on the internet about both of these. Narcissists need their "supply" of attention and will go to extreme lengths to get to both positive and negative attention. It helps a great deal to know your enemy and not fall into their traps.
I like where this thread is going with the Greek mythology comparisons.
Myself, I'm not so poetic. I compare daughter-caregiver abuse to being lower than garbage. When something is garbage, it gets thrown away and that's the end of it.
The daughter-caregiver is like the pile of garbage only the parent doesn't throw it away. They save it so they can abuse and torment when they're feeling bored, or craving attention, or need something, etc...
My mother was acting up last night. Normally she knows that when she puts on an attention-seeking performance that it will result in even less attention from me.
Last night we (my ex-hubs and I) were watching tv. My mother was doing the working herself up into hyperventilation. The Hysterics and Semantics Variety Hour Show because she wasn't the center of attention and she doesn't like my man staying over. She was getting on about finding her 'pills'. This is Act 1 of the show. He gets up to go and help her and I told him no. Ignore her. Don't pay her any attention at all. She really brought the show and I didn't want a staged fall or something so I told her to knock off the behavior or we would leave and she would have to stay alone in the house. She knocked it off and went to bed.
No adult woman has to become Atlas because they have a senior brat in their life.
I'm done with with caregiving both with clients and within my family. My mother will have in-home caregivers when I move next spring. Or she can go into managed care. I don't play her games. I don't play any senior's attention games. Take the help offered or fend for yourself. This is usually what it comes down to with the daughters of abusive families.
i really agree!
and “Narcissists need their "supply" of attention and will go to extreme lengths to get to both positive and negative attention.”
yes!!
———
dear burnt,
totally agree with you too!
“I compare daughter-caregiver abuse to being lower than garbage. When something is garbage, it gets thrown away and that's the end of it.”
agree! in fact, some abusive elderly parents use and abuse the daughter, torment, insult, stress her out, then throw her out. “you can go home now. see you soon, and we can start all over again.”
“The daughter-caregiver is like the pile of garbage only the parent doesn't throw it away. They save it so they can abuse and torment when they're feeling bored, or craving attention, or need something, etc...”
yes :( :( :(
sorry to hear your mother acted up again yesterday.
it never stops.
till their death.
:(
i wish us freedom from abuse.
freedom from slavery (for those who are daughter-slaves).
I have to laugh because my man was saying how he'd almst forgotten what a nasty piece of work my mother is. Yesterday's performance wasn't even that bad.
She opened with the poor, pathetic, feeble elder. It ended with her telling us off with some very choice language.
We just ignored her.
Need to vent. I’ve been in extreme stress. On the positive side, I recently found a trustworthy person my Mom can pay, to replace me. This frees me up. Not entirely, but greatly. I’ll look for more people, so I can be totally freed up.
On the negative side, it’s recently been so extremely stressful: I’ve lost huge amounts of hair :( :( :(.
I really hope it grows back soon.
Me: at the end of the hall.
Mom: how can I get there if the hallway has two ends
Me: 😶
I'm sorry you're having such a lousy day. Reward yourself with something later on.
Me: at the end of the hall.
Mom: that doesn't help. I still don't know where I'm I supposed to pee.
Me: 😶
I will admit I busted out laughing at your recent post
Mom, whatcha doing?
”Hoping for the best!”
Your sense of humor comes through on your posts. Hang in there!!
I care for him out of love and we have a very close bond, but how can they live with themselves....
They make me so angry. Why should I be caring for their dad. I have already cared for my mum for the last 27 years !!!!!!!! Only took a step back last year to step straight back into a caretaker role.
Lot of why me. Lot of tears that I'll lose my Pa soon. Feeling very alone as those around me haven't had to be a care giver before.
Thanks for letting me vent the internal whine I had today. Don't get the opportunity to vent.
Folks, I am moving into a 2 bedroom condo and not bringing my living room suite. That is NOT a 3 man move!!!
Called customer service and got some *^%$ nonsense that with 3 men they won't get as tired and it will be faster therefore cheaper. So how come the quote is $1K higher. He had no answer.
The other company I contacted, that answered, promised a quote by last Friday and I still haven't heard anything. The lady that came to assess was about my age and came 2 hours early so I am not surprised.
Back to square one I guess.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUNsndIL1bg
I would try to find someone who is a member of the Canadian Association of Movers
https://www.mover.net/planning-a-move/consumer-alerts
Hope the company whose rep I am seeing tomorrow is better.
Shades of the sewer fiasco, I was called and told that I will be invoiced for $16,000 by the restoration co and would I send them my email. I said "No" and told them to talk to my insurance company. I called the insurance co and the rep said she had had words with them a month ago as they didn't send her estimates and they spent over the limit she had set without communicating with her After talking with them her understanding had been that I would not be billed. And she feels I shouldn't be billed. I asked her to send me a summary of her problems with them as I intend to make a complaint to the restoration co head office. Large machinery sat unused in my back yard for days and days while waiting for buddy to do his job. More than one of the workers said to me that it shouldn't have taken more than a few days. It took nearly 6 weeks. Grrrr!!!
DD thinks he is fishing to get money to sort out his problems.
Thanks for the support everyone.
.