I'm tired of cooking/preparing 3 meals a day. It's just the two of us but boy oh boy can that woman eat!! She stays slimish, I get fattish. It's bad enough I do everything here much less start making her one thing and me the other. At times I feel guilty when I buy her fast food cuz of the nutritional value....not to mention I eat it too.
What matters is what you know.
Have you found a therapist yet? That's who will understand this dynamic.
Please stop trying to find validation from people being paid by your mom. You need your OWN team.
But.
The trouble is, my mom is now using the caregiver as a flying monkey. The caregiver is not a bad person - but I made the person aware today that they’re continuing my mom’s abuse of me (continuing the dirty work), by doing this and that.
The caregiver said they’ll stop doing that. The person didn’t realize they were contributing to the abuse by doing this and that.
The aim of the conversation was to put an end to that.
Don't you ever tolerate another snide comment or even a moment of gaslighting again if you're the one unblocking a toilet at 11pm at night.
You have every right to yell and tell her to shut the h*ll up if she's pressing your buttons.
You think you're not doing enough? You think what you are doing for her is wrong and not done correctly?
You are doing MORE THAN ENOUGH.
Let me ask you something. Is there a line of people lined up at her front door to unblock her toilet at 11pm at night? Is this long line of people fighting with each other over who will be chosen to be the next target of her verbal abuse and gaslighting?
My guess is there is no line of people. There is YOU the only one willing to step up and help her. So you don't tolerate her gasligting and disrespect one more moment. You tell her that if she has such a tough time coping with your "meaness" then she should not behave like an entitled, ingrate brat. Or she can get someone else to come the next time she clogs her toilet up at 11 at night. Or she can try raising her arms in front of the bowl like Moses parting the Red Sea and maybe the toilet water will recede that way.
Stop taking her crap. You're the only stepping up for her. Never miss an opportunity to remind her of this when you have to.
glad - a staycation?
AuntieN - any hope of moving her to a facility? I couldn't handle the put downs.
venting - it sure does feel bad not to be believed. I found there were some people I could talk to and others I couldn't. I am glad you set the caregiver straight. Totally agree with Barb - you need your own team. Counselling has been invaluable for me. Are you afraid of going for therapy? You know it's the healthier sane ones who chose therapy. The unhealthy ones stay away from counselors.
I have woken up in Albuquerque and Portland before oh and somewhere in Texas! Watching news in other areas of the country can be interesting.
Thanks Golden!
“I found there were some people I could talk to and others I couldn't.”
I see that too. The people I’m talking about are not bad people at all - it’s just that they “don’t get it”, whereas someone with similar experiences, does get it.
You should have never been discussing the abusive relationship between you and your mother with her caregiver.
The caregiver is not there to support or help you. Your mother employs her, not you. Therefore your mother is her boss and every one of us who has ever provided service to an elderly person knows it always works better if you can stay on their good side.
If I was your mother's worker I would tell you kindly that I do not work for you and if there's a problem with your mother that is for the two of you to deal with. On the other side of that, I would tell your mother that I refuse to listen or engage in any bad-mouthing about you because it's none of my business.
I can't tell you how many times clients and client families have tried to pull me into one of their petty squabbles or intrigues, or tried to get me over as an ally in a fight.
Not me. I never get drawn into any client family business. I know better.
You should know better than to discuss your abusive mother with her caregiver.
I believe you that your mother is an abusive narcissist and you've had a long suffering. I don't doubt it you're telling the truth.
I don't work for you or your family though. If I was an employee it would be highly inappropriate to be discussing your relationship with me.
"You should have never been discussing the abusive relationship between you and your mother with her caregiver."
I reply:
1. My mom's doctor asked me to talk about it with the caregivers. You BurntCaregiver, don't know my mom's health. I do. The caregivers do, now. My mom's doctor asked me to inform the caregivers about this and that -- and that's exactly what I did.
2. Today's conversation was started by the caregiver. She wanted to know something specific about the abuse. I answered. I also took the opportunity to tell her, that the caregiver's actions (although not intentional) are harmful to my mother and I. She now understands, and has completely stopped doing that (she has stopped being a flying monkey).
I came from an area where the station I use to watch, the news team was very professional, none of the giggling and annoying chit-chat. Plus trying to get use to local accents. All of this was before cable national news.
For me, I am glad I am back to where I can see those very same news anchors from the past. The news stations here hold on to good talent for many decades :)
The Medicare commercials are non stop! They are some of the most annoying commercials too!
Same with Medicare text messages. I don’t read those.
A lot of commercials in general are annoying though. A few of them are clever or cute.
Our local news is so very depressing! Carjackings, murder, latest corruption stories and requests to recall our mayor, etc.
Life in New Orleans has changed dramatically since I was a child. To think that I used walk or ride my bicycle everywhere and take the bus at age 12 all over amazes me now. Kids could never do those things today.
1) as the weather gets colder I get hungrier, Does anyone else experience that? Somedays I feel like a bear preparing to hibernate.
2) When the waste trash was collected yesterday they threw the emptied bin into one of my rose bushes. It was lying on it's side against/in the bush when I went out to get it. So I sent a message to the city accompanied by a photo, got several acknowledgements that they had received my message and then a return message showing the item was "COMPLETE". So I sent back a message asking what COMPLETE meant as I hadn't heard anything from them about the incident. The city uses these big bins and mechanical pick up and emptying. I also included a comment that my windrow had not been removed even though I had a marker showing that I was a senior and it should be removed. The city removes the windrows when snow clearing for seniors if a marker is left out, I don't want to get stuck entering or leaving my driveway.
I don't expect to hear back from them. Am I just being a fussy little (well not so little) old lady?
The weather is all over the place - minus 20C (-2F) here today going up to minus 5C (25F) on the weekend. Rocky hasn't shown any interest in going out at all today and I am with her. However it is sunny out and nice to look at but sunset at 3:50 today! Where I am moving to sunset is 1/2 hr later and sunrise is sooner which will be very nice.
Have you ever tried 5HTP for the seasonal mood changes? I've been experimenting with it and it may help.
Medicare does not advertise.
I wish the private companies weren’t allowed to use the name Medicare.
Yup. That's the idea. No society that I can bring to mind has encouraged women to insist on being treated properly, and it seems ours is no different then.
I hadn't heard anything about Karens so I just spent a while watching some. Granted there are the "call the police, the dog just peed on my garden wall" types; but more of them were doing outrageous things like expecting customer service staff to give them what they were paying for. And "I'm really busy and you must be cruel, entitled and probably racist to expect me to treat you with respect."
So don't be a Karen, be a nice lady and smile no matter what crap gets dumped on you.
[But also don't be a brat.]
cm -I have never cared that much for society norms or being "nice". Yes I pay for garbage collection so I am entitled to give feedback for a job badly done, in fact I see it as my responsibility. All my situation needed was a word to that garbage truck driver to be careful to check with their side mirror that the bins are placed back properly, and then a word to me that it had been brought to their attention. It's not so difficult.
Me: mom what are you looking at down there?
Mom: I'm trying to figure out where I'm going to set all the plates of food down here so we don't have to worry about putting it all on the table first.
😶
Time to lock the fridge.
Please keep hounding the sanitation department until they make things right. It isn't unreasonable to ask that they do their jobs correctly.
The postal service and UPS and a few other companies have done astoundingly incompetent things and then had the gall to mark my messages as "resolved" or "complete" without ever fixing what they had done wrong. I have had to follow up two, three, and even four times until they made things right. It made me super uncomfortable to do that, but I tell myself that I'm not really being a Karen in these circumstances.
I just wish that all the follow-up on my part hadn't taken up so much of my freaking time. I always have trouble deciding whether to let a complaint go unresolved (thus saving me the frustration of fighting the incompetent powers that be) versus fighting tooth and nail to get the satisfaction that I deserve (and spending a lot of time and energy to get it).
FYBKIHYD - the only thing they could do, other than talk to that driver, was to pick up the bin and return it to the house and then, in future, not do it again. I left the bin there till suppertime and then went and got it myself. It was a bit "creepy" as 5 mins later I got the COMPLETE email. About the future, I am moving soon so it won't matter to me then. I do think there are times to be very persistent as you have been. BTDT. I completely understand about the frustration of using your time to deal with someone else's incompetence. I get other people's mail in my mail box too often and always return it in the mail slot. I haven't complained but if I was staying here I would. I wonder how much of my mail has been mishandled and disappeared. This coincides with the arrival of the community mail boxes 1/2 a block away which are extremely inconvenient at 40 below and when it is icy. We get 4-5 months of winter here. Don't get me going on those or the notices they put on my door that I wasn't in (I was) so I have to go to the post office to pick up the parcel!!! Small things but they add up. Deep breaths and another cup of coffee lol.
Of course you should be discussing your mother's health conditions with her caregiver. That is common sense because you know her the best and a caregiver who is well informed on their client's health conditions will be better at their job.
Discussing the abusive personal relationship you have with your mother with her caregiver is completely inappropriate.
I don't believe that your mother's doctor advised you to discuss the abusive relationship the two of you have with her caregiver. Please explain this.