My "whine moment today." What's yours?

I want to whine about my father's constant whining. I have the father who showed up to pick up his dog, after he was hospitalized, and he never went back home. He was going to go home, earlier this year, but couldn't. We were moving his stuff back (a chair, a dresser) and found water pouring into the basement & the cover to the furnace was off and appeared as if someone was tinkering with it. This explained everything. Well, his home cannot be sold, as there aren't enough funds to fix everything. The insurance company cannot help, as this is a maintenance issue and a claim would be considered fraud. So the house is going back to the bank (it was remortgaged in bankruptcy & there is no penalty if it goes back) I have a friend, who rents houses & got Dad a 3 bedroom house that we are waiting for inspection on for remodeling the bathroom. All new flooring, paint, cupboards. It is ten minutes away from us. I had her say "No pets" as he isn't responsible to care for animals. We got rid of his dog already. When he moves, I got him set up with meal delivery here. He complained about that, saying he won't get out if he gets meals delivered. 🤷🏻‍♀️ He complained yesterday that we won't have his stuff here by the time his rental is ready. Mind you, we've had dangerous snow storms this past month. Not a good idea to drive 3 hours on icy covered roads. It's maddening. The constant dramatics. Making mountains out of mole hills. I have gotten to the point I just tell him that we never asked for him to come here, that he came & never left. I told him he can pay a company to move his stuff if he likes. That usually ends the conversation. The entitled thinking, that I have to help every time he snaps his fingers is crazy. I have agreed that on Tuesdays we will focus on his needs, clean his house, fill meds & get his groceries. Placing that boundary firmly is going to be a task. He can live on his own, he just doesn't want to, he wants me to wait on him hand and foot. Last week, I had appointments all day & I said we were going to have sandwiches for dinner. He said, "You're not going to make dinner???!!!???" He expects a 5 course meal every day. I cannot wait until he is gone from my home. He complains how his life has "turned upside down" yet he doesn't have to worry about anything now. It's all being done for him. I told him I cannot "fix" everything in his life, as he made a complete mess out of everything. He just doesn't realize how it is actually our lives that are screwed up because of him. Narcissistic parents are awful to deal with. The doctor gave the all clear for him to live on his own & told us this is all a show, as I was worried about dementia. I cannot wait to have my peaceful home all to myself again. Where I don't have to hide the peanut butter anymore. (He went through 5 large jars in a month since he thinks a sandwich needs 1/4 cup each), where the kitchen stays clean, where I don't find poo on the toilet seat & he expects me to clean it up (I made him do it). This is the most difficult experience I have ever dealt with. Being taken advantage of by a father who didn't care about my well being when I was younger. My husband said we aren't going to ever offer ourselves to others anymore, as we always get taken advantage of. This is far from over. I am sure I will need advice about keeping boundaries set firmly after he moves out. As he was calling 3 times a day before he came here.

@VictoriaMcD . So the doctor gave the green light that he can live on his own. Then you don’t need to be there !! Ok then… You already have meals delivered. Order his groceries and have them delivered as well as his pills. If possible send a cleaning service if he can’t do the cleaning himself . Let him do his own laundry . And Amazon can deliver just about anything else he would need. Don’t walk back into the snake pit . You also deserve a Wine moment .

FF: A friend of mine sells Tupperware. Actually she also sells Tastefully Simple.

Edited to add Disclaimer: That was not an advertisement for two companies.

Awake again tonight . My DIL called to say taking my son to the ER complaining of some wheezing , slight shortness of breath . He’s been battling cold and cough for a few days but cough syrup not working , and got worse . Tested negative for Covid at home and again in the ER. They gave him prednisone and nebulizer breathing treatment in the ER and sent home . I’m confident he will be fine with the prescription meds ( prednisone and inhaler) they sent him home with for bronchitis .
I couldn’t fix my son tonight, but he was where he needed to be to get help .

Revised Laundry list :
1). We can’t fix what my FIL wants fixed either ( his unrealistic demands). He is where he needs to be to get help, although he refuses the help at AL.
Eventually he will be moved to MC or SNF , wherever he needs to be . I can’t worry about how FIL will try to take it out on hubby and I . We had hoped FIL would have adjusted better. He won’t do anything we ask him to do . We have to keep moving forward and not allow his manipulating drag us backwards .

2). If MIL does not get her affairs in order, POA’s etc. Going to let that frustration go as well . She will be on her own .

3). My older sister has asked me to help find care ( eventually placement ) for her, I will do my best . She does not want to be a burden on anyone . She currently lives with her only child (son), who is very good to her . He has been taking off from work to take her to all doctor appts , and does all cooking , cleaning , shopping. She lives an hour from me . Will ask if she has her legal affairs in order (POA) , funeral etc . If not, I will offer to bring her to elder care lawyer.

4). Try to stop being , angry , frustrated and pathetic. Stop trying to fix the unfixable . Take more deep breaths . Smile. Enjoy my nuclear family . Eat , sleep . See my friends .

Can anyone think of anything I left out ?

Way2, think about just you and hubby going to lunch. Or a movie. And maybe a brisk walk or yoga class for you.

Last week my father calls on Sunday morning. He calls every Sunday morning, for the last 5 years, to tell me he's going for a bike ride (he's blind, rides a trike, it is what it is) but I was in the shower so I didn't answer. He, panics, calls my aunt who immediately texts me then gives me a text lecture about not being responsive. She's defending his calling her as rational which people who aren't involved always do.

So, today, at 8:30, there's the call telling me he's going for a bike ride. "Dad, you don't need to call me, I know you go for a bike ride", I say. And then it starts, "nothing I do is right, blah, blah, blah,".

/sigh

It's a minor thing but it's super frustrating.

5 years of this crap, and little by little I get sucked into doing more for him.

@someguyinca I get the "I can't do anything right!" at least once a week. I am a mom of 4, and his outbursts make me think my dad has regressed to his teenage years.

@someguyinca. And VictoriaMcD.

I didn’t know other people got the “ I never do anything right “.
My other favorite was . “ You can’t tell me No . I’m your mother “ .

🙄🙄🙄

My Mom reached a new level of dementia today. She forgot my bday date for the first time. She got it confused with another family member. And when I reminded her of the correct month, she got the date wrong. Ugh! It makes me sad.

@verystressedout.
I’m sorry . Hug.

@Way2tired, your kind words really help. Thank you.

I care for dad 100%, he lives with me for the past 10 years. My sibling may take him for 2 to 3 weeks a year if I beg, and plead. the 2 Covid years of course she couldn't due many excuses. Last year we were able to take a long overdue vacation that we had planned to do for 40 years. My sibling shorted a week on what we planned, Oh well I got my one vacation in.
Last month I texted and said we planned our only vacation this summer (my spouse is a teacher so we only have so much time to plan a vacation), We had to lock in. I said I have these dates. She pushed back because she had planned to go to visit family and 2 weeks is fine but the other was not, OK, I said let's coordinate. Then it was "her house wasn't safe", Mine is not? I live in a 3 story with dad. Then she was busy. So I let it go for a month. Fast forward a few weeks and she sends a flame text that I am "demanding and entitled for demanding these dates and that they have to cancel their vacation". Last I checked they were both retired and she works part-time, we are both still working. The flame text came 15 minutes after we were able to have our daughter watch dad (she lives 5 hours away and was home for the week) while we took an overnight at a nice hotel. Thus to say it put a damper on things. After stewing, I wrote a text (I hate text wars) to say "that hurt, I was sorry I texted without asking if she was busy, etc"... I did mention that "somewhere our relationship went south a long time ago, and don't ever contact me again and I will care for dad". She texted back "for me to check my tone".
Thus to say I haven't responded. I guess I have to call and fall on the sword yet again. All I have ever asked is for some help with dad since I have to take care of him 24/7. Just wondering if I am the ass hat in this situation? I can never call her, I have been yelled at too many times by her husband for calling as we never know her schedule and she is either working or sleeping. It's never been a loving relationship between us, I only get yelled at when I call. I have never asked her for anything other than her taking dad for a few weeks so he can see his other grand and great-grandchildren. Not sure where this all stems from, maybe her husband left yet her again or her own kids have stopped talking to her yet again.
Frustrated with doing this all on my own.

So, my husband went in for his colonoscopy.

He had four polyps. The doctor removed three of them which were benign. He couldn’t get to the fourth one. It was on his appendix and when he attempted to remove it, the polyp went inside of the appendix. Crazy!

So, the only way to get rid of the polyp is to remove the appendix and a small portion of his colon. It will be a minimally invasive keyhole surgery with a laparoscope.

Hubby’s doctor said that he cannot leave the polyp inside of his appendix because all polyps are precancerous.

He said that in all of his years doing colonoscopies he has never seen a polyp move inside of an appendix before. He was glad that he saw the polyp on the screen because if he hadn’t seen it, the polyp would be inside of the appendix and he would not have even known about it.

It’s so weird how these crazy things happen to our bodies!

@needhelp.
Oh that’s crazy !! At least he can get it out . Best of luck .

Way, Thanks for the good wishes.

We always did the Cologuard home test. Our doctor said that they are fine to do if they are done on a regular basis. (Yearly)

Mine showed blood and it was a bleeding polyp. No problem removing it. It was a tiny polyp and benign. I was told to do another colonoscopy in five years.

It was time for my husband to do colon testing and our doctor encouraged him to get a colonoscopy instead of a home test. I’m glad that she did because I am wondering if the home test only picks up on polyps if they are bleeding like mine was.

The home test is so easy! The prep for the colonoscopy is uncomfortable but the colonoscopy is more thorough.

He was told to do another colonoscopy in three years. My brother had colon cancer. He has to go every year for a colonoscopy. My husband’s grandfather died with colon cancer.

Remember Katie Couric’s husband died young with colon cancer. She was a huge spokesperson for getting tested for colon cancer. They started testing for colon cancer at a younger age.

I’ve known a couple of women who got breast cancer when they were younger. As we all know, cancer shows up in the young and old.

My other brother did the home test and it showed a negative result and he didn’t follow through with a colonoscopy! He has started having symptoms of some sort of problem. His doctor isn’t happy with him for not getting a colonoscopy. He’s 70 and has never had one! He’s had so many other health issues, very serious heart issues, heart surgeries, etc. He kept putting off the colonoscopy. He finally scheduled one.

I love how easy the home test is but I think it’s better to do the colonoscopy after seeing what happened with my my husband.

NeedHelpWithMom, early last week I got the Cologuard box. As of today, I got as far as opening the box. Will look into the box later this week.

Doing this Cologuard test is like doing one's taxes, we find excuses to delay it :P

@freqflyer

I know the Cologuard can seem a little intense. I did my first one this year.
You basically crap in a box. Like a cat. It's easy and you can even make arrangements for them to pick it up.
I dropped mine off at a UPS because I live near one.
Just do it. You'll feel better knowing that it's done.

FF and Burnt,, we laughingly call it "poop in a box".. and it is easy. But I take a few meds that cause.. issues.. LOL So i had to try to decide when to use it. But it all worked out! Hubs second one sent him for a colonoscopy,, they removed a few things and all good now. My 2 so far are fine. My Mom was 90 when she passed and she never had a colonoscopy,,a retired RN. Dad them many times with no problems.

FF,

Don’t laugh. Nah, go ahead and laugh because I did.

I was given the Cologuard in my doctor’s office. I tossed it aside when I got home and started on dinner.

Wouldn’t you know that I couldn’t find it later? Who knows where I put the thing.

Anyway, I had to ask my doctor for a new one. I was a bit embarrassed to tell her. She said, “No problem, you’re not the first person to lose one!”

True story !! You will laugh!! My husband works for a medical device company . Their number one selling product is colonoscopes. So we always encourage colonoscopies . So take that prep and get your colonoscopy . You crapping your brains out …puts food on my table !!

Way,

LOL 😆

My oldest brother is a doctor. Last year when I turned 50 he told me I needed to get a colonoscopy. He starts giving me this big lecture. Turns out he's never had one and telling me to go. My doctor gave me the Cologuard test. I'll do it again when I have to. I only go to the doctor when I have to have my liability insurance physical. My sisters a nurse. She doesn't do any kind of testing. Has a flu shot because the hospital requires the shot.

I never had a colonoscopy. At the right age, my dr gave me the home test annually then I had to change doctors and it somehow that got lost in the shuffle. Now I am well past the age they recommend for that test. Oh, well.

Can't remember where I asked for prayer for upcoming drs visit. Went today and y'all must be great pray-ers. Dr comes in and asks what he can do for me. I said I don't know, you called me. He checks my files and says everything is OK. Cholesterol a little high but not to worry. So I showed him my squats and other exercises. Told him my BP last night was 117/73 and heart rate 71. He asked me what I did before I retired. I told him I taught physiology. We had a great chat about it most of which I didn't understand between his accent, his mask and my hearing, but I got enough and we both enjoyed it. He faxed my regular prescriptions to my pharmacy and that was it. Many thanks for support.

Out of this I came to realize that I get anxious over some things like drs visits. This started about 10-15 years ago when I had a series of bad experiences - my drs made mistakes. Fortunately I knew enough to catch the mistakes I went through a few drs until I settled with this one, then he made an error in my meds but I liked him so I stayed. I need to get over this.

I am learning to do deep breathing for stress management which also helps the "wired" aspect of CFS. It lowers BP, settles my stomach and generally makes me feel better I recommend it to anyone, Like squats it is something you can build into your day. Deep breathing exercises for 5 min 2x a day will lower your BP 10-15 points. It doesn't take much time or effort to do both of these and you get great benefits!

KC,

Yep! How many times do we see overweight doctors and nurses who smoke like chimneys? LOL 😆

They don’t always follow their own advice!

Golden,

So glad that your doctor visit went well! It’s hard not to get anxious about our health.

Your doctor sounds very nice.

You are going to have to break in a new doctor after you move Golden, that should be fun (not).
I have not been to see my GP since before covid and I'm not feeling a need to go back any time soon, they really don't do anything but take some blood so I can't see the point. But I've had my routine mammograms and I agreed to having a colonoscopy and endoscopy because I have one of the gene mutations associated with lynch syndrome.

This doc is a nice guy which is why I stayed with him. If I think their advice is off I can always look it up. I have read research saying that annual medicals don't do much good. Go to your doc when you feel something is off. I think some routine testing is fine. I find it strange that they want to stop mammograms around age 75, while breast cancer risks increase with age.

R has a decent dr and will probably be able to get me in as a patient. If not there is a clinic nearby that looks good. Several docs get together and look after a bunch of patients so you may see one or another. Sounds interesting - new concept in family medicine.

After reading about the Cologuard test, I realized that I don't want to have corn beforehand. 🌽💩 They've never let me get by that easy though. They always made me get the colonoscopy.

Golden, GREAT news about the doc visit.