Follow
Share
Read More
Find Care & Housing
My mom seemed to be looking forward to the holiday luncheon at the NH today. They do a great job, full turkey dinner with trimmings, decorations, staff in Santa hats. I'd taken some homemade cookies for her. But I found her in a mood, telling a young woman who was holding her hand that no, her family wasn't here, that all her family is back East (my husband and all of our kids and grandkid are here). I slipped past every negative comment with aplomb, chatting with the other dinners, countering with good things to say. I was determined to make this a really nice visit. I was Teflon Tammy, until someone asked her how many kids she had. She said two daughters, 5 (there are 6) grandchildren, 6 grandchildren. For the second time in 2 weeks, she's let slip her real feelings on my stepdaughter not really being a grandchild. I guess my Mama Bear mode kicked, as she's been mine since she was 3. I finished up and left on the best note I could. I didn't think she could hurt me anymore. Was wrong. Went back to work and set up things for PT to repair her leg brace. Thanks for letting me vent - now I need to throw it off.
(3)
Report

Tex you are doing good,keep it up. Mom won't change , she can't. my guess is that when she was again under the same roof as you it just reactivated all the old behaviours. I know you don't have children but parents have a hard time realizing their offspring are no longer dependent and fully capable of making their own decisions. My hubby often tells me to tell one of the kids this or that and I have to remind him that they are all in their forties and if his parents had interfered with us at that age we would not have appreciated it. So your mother moved in and immediately went into mother/child mode. I think you are doing the right and only thing you can by setting your boundaries. Keep on riding those horses there is nothing like sitting up on one of those nice warm bodies.
My eldest is a dressage rider and rides at Grande Priz level. She has a very pretty black morgan stallion she has trained herself. Doesn't help your problems with your mother but I know you love horses.
As far as the early stages of dementia are concerned I think It is very difficult to distinguish them from the forgetfulness of getting older which we all experience. One thing is for sure she is not going to get any nicer. Maybe stick her on the top of the Christmas tree with duct tape over her mouth.
(1)
Report

Jessie, I went through and read that whole thread you're talking about. Holy cow. Not much else I can say.
(1)
Report

I don't have dementia in the equation as of now but never know.Just dealing with NPD(mom).Have learned a lot in dealing with this type of behavior and just glad I am no longer a powerless child against it. I sometimes wonder after some of her "behavior" episodes how did I mentally survive my childhood.I know it just "chaps" her *ss having to depend on me, especially as I now stand up for myself and set and keep boundaries.But I really wonder, what did she think as she got older,that she could keep on treating me as she did when shehad complete control of my life(as a child)?She has a college education, worked for the Govt. for 30yrs, she isn't stupid,calls herself religious,yet somehow in her mind she thought she could just resume business as usual when she moved in with me.I guess I am just musing because she and I are so different.I don't believe I will have to worry about her wandering if dementia sets in simply because of her osteoarthritis,probably incontinence and getting her to eat will be the big issues.I just really want to start off the new year with a better attitude, I give up on hers, I am talking about mine.So again, all you out there that are actually taking care of someone with dementia I am in awe of you.Please try to take care of yourselves,if someone out there is feeling guilty because they know they are going to have to place their elder in a LTC,please don't,one person can only do so much.Society is changing, people are living longer than they did when our parents were in their 50's.My mother never had to take care of her parents, also my father's parents were both dead before I was 10yrs.old.I am walking new territory with basically no road map.So I will do the best I can, I may not be the best everyday but I try and hope I cut myself some slack when I fall down,just brush off myself and get back up,also not let things get to a point that I feel like beating my head on the wall, that doesn't do anybody any good.Enjoy the day because tomorrow isn't guaranteed.
(4)
Report

So dad goes to the store, buys sausage and rolls. Comes home while i am in my office working and says, I bought sausage for lunch, can you make it if you are going to be home for lunch? It was 11:30, I usually eat by myself, once in a while I make lunch for the 2 of us. He can cook and cook well, fully capable. I was cooking 2 chickens in the oven for friends whose parent is in hospice, (Cooks by its self) so now I have to make lunch... Sure I am an extra hour today! So during lunch "I need a weather app on my phone"... no you don't.... "yes, my other son had one"....... its a data miner and hog........and you don't go anywhere, look outside or watch your TV......."in case I go somewhere"...... I give up. Then I have to do the dishes and go back to work.......
(2)
Report

I'm not following the person. I posted twice to the thread at the start. Now I can't unfollow for some reason. I know... there's tougher things in life.
(0)
Report

Jessie I think if you go to the posters profile there is a "stop following" link
(0)
Report

I just tried to unfollow the thread today. It wouldn't let me unfollow it. It did the same thing the other day. I tried three times to unfollow today. No luck. I'll just have to try to keep my mental ignore on.
(0)
Report

Okay a real whine -- I wish I could do something to get that thread about the mother (78) having a stroke off my newsfeed. It is so hard to get things off because the thread you want to unfollow is always buried at the bottom of some long list. I can take forever to find it! That thread bothers me because people are trying to reason with someone who can't reason. Goodness! we should know better than that.
(1)
Report

Darn post button...hit too fast. Mom can help with meal prep to some extent, but arthritis in her hands makes that difficult at best. She can give me ideas of what she'd like to eat, but making a list is beyond her. So is writing down childhood memories she has that I'd like to preserve - looks like I missed the boat on that one - so now when she randomly pops out with something she remembers from her childhood, *I* write it down. I felt so bad for her when I gave her a notepad and asked her to just start writing down things she remembered from her childhood, and asked some leading questions about places she lived, her grandparents, etc. She got about 4 lines down and stopped. I asked if it was too difficult to remember, and she said no - that she just didn't feel like doing it. (Unfortunately, I know the truth - she can't remember, and doesn't want to admit it.)

Today she's in what she calls "sloth mode" - sleeping all day. She's been up long enough to go to the bathroom twice, eat breakfast and then back down again. She sat up about an hour ago, then laid back down 5 minutes later...then back up in 15 minutes...then back down again. I guess at the very least, I can be thankful for some time to myself while she's sleeping...? I get a whole lot more done with my work and housework if she's asleep.
(1)
Report

Glad you're doing better, Tex!

My mom is similar to yours, but with early-to-mid-stage dementia thrown in. She can dress herself, shower herself, and doesn't have the pacing, restlessness or random verbal outbursts that come later - she has the memory loss and personal care neglect (unless pushed) issues.

She showered Monday, and twice after that, I had to remind her that she had already showered. Once when she went back into the bathroom to put on an incontinence pad, which she had forgotten, and later, when I asked her how the new tub mat I bought felt under her feet when she showered - she looked at me blankly and said, "How would I know - I haven't been in there today!" Um....yes you were.....
(1)
Report

Still have neck pain but it is bearable, actually rode a horse yesterday but only for 30 minutes but that's more than I could do 5 months ago. I can only feel bad for so long, apparently I must have some kind of internal switch that let's me know when I have reached my sh*t limit. I really wanted to thank whoever made the statement of " I can't possibly do that".This statement is like magic with my mother,her passive/aggressive NPD just can't seem to get around that.Lately that statement has saved me a lot of grief.
(5)
Report

Tex, it just occurs to me that you are sounding so much happier in yourself lately. How is your neck pain, how you noticed a lot of improvement since the surgery? Though I can share that we also just seem to get better at deflecting our mothers', um, "little ways", too; but I was hoping that you have really benefited from having to go through that procedure? That would be a result!
(0)
Report

I am actually very lucky.My mother can still dress herself, feed herself(just not cook) get herself on and off the commode with reasonably good cleaning,watch TV, paint her little pictures, do needlepoint ( her vision is better than mine,doesn't need glasses/I do!) NO DEMENTIA yet.Compared to a lot of the situations I read about I actually have the best of all possible worlds.However, I know that as time goes on my situation will change and hope I can change with it.I know I will be a changed person at the end of this journey,just hope it is for the better.
(2)
Report

Changing the subject a bit -- I spent the whole day with my mother and lived to tell the tale. I didn't even get mad today, though she goaded me a few times. Late in the day she was feeling a bit smug with herself and talked about how she had never fussed at Dad. Now, anyone who knows my mother knows that the day she doesn't fuss is going to be the day the sun goes out. I just laughed at her, then asked the Lord to forgive her for bearing false witness. She persisted, though, and I realized she may have blocked the memories of herself that were less than stellar. I wish I could do that with my own life!

I thought about menu prep and the other things that were suggested. I feel glad that my mother can still make her own breakfast, do some laundry, and wash dishes. I don't even mind that the dishes aren't very clean. I know that soon she won't be able to do these things.

So the house is decorated and everything is falling together for Christmas. I have my sensitivity meter switched to non-combat mode. Holidays are rough, because my mother wants to micromanage. I know it won't matter what I do, since next year (if there is one) she'll take credit for everything I did this year. It is funny. Each year I do certain things. Then the next year she'll tell me that last year SHE did these things. I've learned to just let her take credit, because it really doesn't matter. I just tell her she certainly did a wonderful job last year. :)
(6)
Report

I seldom disagree with anything, but I do have to disagree with hobbesmom. If this were a perfect world and some of our parent's could do a fraction of what you suggested, well then... it would be a perfect world :)

Weekly menu's? Check grocery lists? Calorie intake? Chop veggies?

Am I doing something wrong? I surely do not do any of this.

Homework? If she's not willing? Good grief.... nursing home?

Hobblessmom, please tell me what I am missing with caring for my AD mother?
(2)
Report

It is rather shocking what some people can eat and still stay slim-ish and yet others eat far less and end up looking like round balls. I hate to cook so I can definitely relate to that.

So, what can she do? Make grocery lists? Check grocery lists for over-charging (I don't do that but I know old people who do). Chop veggies or whatever to eat?

Perhaps sit down and make a weekly menu with you and, with her, determine both the cost, time, and calorie intake.

You are lucky in some ways. Usually, in my experience, old folks aren't eating enough or not getting proper nutrition. There is a silver lining!

Give her some "homework." If she's not willing, perhaps it's time to look into a nursing home.
(0)
Report

Tex, you weren't a downer. We all have rough days.
(1)
Report

Thanks, herbalizer77 - it's not that she *can't* get to the bathroom, it's that she *won't* or doesn't want to until someone pressures her to do it. I'm not doing the bedside commode thing until we absolutely have to - she sleeps in the living room, where I also have my desk and operate my home-based business. (Trust me, that's not by choice. I *wish* I had an office space away from the noise of the tv, her snoring, etc. Especially when I have to be on the phone with clients.)
(0)
Report

SusanA43: You've sure accomplished alot with your mom! I did think of something that may or may not be an option or work: would a bedside commode work for your mom? For some people it does.
(1)
Report

Tex, I like every word you just said. Except for the apologising for being a DD! - if you think you were, I must be in complete disgrace by now.
(1)
Report

Sorry I was such a Debbie Downer yesterday. My mental state is an everyday work in progress.I am now on the beginning of year 3 with MOM.I can say I forgive things she did to me in the past that caused me to not want her in my life but I can never forget,wish I could , would make things so much easier. However,had a talk with myself(not answering back yet) that I am a grown *ss woman and she can't do the things to me she used to when I was a little kid,literally she can't.Her mobility limits her and she is dependant on me for her quality of life,I know she doesn't like it, who would, at least I am a honest person,lucky for her.I've made it clear to her when we first started this journey that if she ever "badmouthed" me to the point that APS or law enforcement showed up at my house they would need a UHAUL because she would be out of my house, I refused to be a hostage.However, I take very good care of her,meet all her needs and as many of her wants as I can.Just read a story in the New York Daily News of an nursing assistant that assaulted an elderly resident,caused him to fall and he was injured on some furniture that caused him to bleed to death. He may have been aggressive,but that goes with the territory in taking care of elders with or without dementia, I have had patients like this, I knew to duck and weave but never ever hit, I knew it wasn't personal .As much as I don't like my mother I at least have her where I know no one will hit her,be mean to her,abusive in anyway (although on bath day she may disagree)she is in an environment that she feels physically/mentally safe(at least this is what she tells me).As much as I don't like her I don't want her to be afraid,maybe there is hope for me after all.All things considered I actually have a pretty good setup here at my house.I know she is happier here than she would be in an AL and she isn't bad off enough for a nursing home.So I am trying to look forward to the coming new year with optimism (even though it is forced) remind myself of the good things I have and stay focused.I am so glad I found this forum 3yrs.ago,it has helped my sanity and kept things in perspective.I can't hold a candle to those of you that have elders with dementia,you are the real deal because taking care of someone with dementia,well,as a nurse I know what is involved in the hour by hour care of someone like this ,but you have the shift that never ends.For those of you in this position,please do the best you can in taking care of yourselves, outlive your elder,and as far as guilt,it shouldn't even be there,every day you get up and have to do and deal with things you don't want to but do it anyway that is bravery,strength,goodness,a person like this isn't guilty of anything.
(6)
Report

FYI, I joined the course on Coursera on learning Chinese. I can only speak and understand English. I have tried - replaying the video on My name is... What's your name?..etc.. I do NOT have an ear for foreign language. On the vowel pronunciation - I could not tell the difference between a short vowel, a cut-off vowel. sigh... I gave up on it. Chinese language would be helpful with a job in tourism. Too bad my ears cannot distinguish the 'accent/sounds'.
(0)
Report

I rarely check my emails. Glad had came on here last year in November about a free course on dementia at the website Coursera. The course was taught by John Hopkins University. The invitation is worldwide.

I received an email from Coursera that John Hopkins will be starting in January 12 for a 5 week course. It's titled: Living with Dementia: Impact on Individuals, Caregivers and Societies.

Based on their previous course, they now have structured this upcoming course to ensure that everyone benefits (to me, the first course was more aimed for the Professional caregivers.) This upcoming one includes healthcare practitioners, family caregivers or anyone interested. FYI, despite the first course leaning more towards the professionals, I learned a LOT from it.

Well, I'm off to send an email of this to my social worker. Our monthly caregiver's meeting is this coming Saturday. I won't be attending so hopefully she can relay it to the others.

FYI, I did not complete it the first course last year. I only joined so that I can learn about dementia. OMGoodness! There was a wealth of videos and more videos of personal accounts/journeys, how to respond to "I want to go home", etc... I'm planning to do the same with this upcoming course. Since I'm not going for a certificate, the course is FREE.
(1)
Report

Jeanette, I never got around to making the blanket - I wish I had, but my life was going full bore into madness at that point, between the adult kids and their various dramas and then Dad passed away and I moved in with Mom. I keep hoping maybe I can find time to make it.

I hope you can have a peaceful night - heck, I hope that for all of us!

I've been running full tilt all day today, bouncing between work for my clients and "the list". Got the living room curtains up, called for water delivery and received that, called our local agency on aging to request a caregiver list (they do background checks, etc on them before referring them), paid a few bills, washed the dog's bed cover (which is now dirty again, thanks to 50 degree temps and rain today), washed the living room windows, cleaned out the van, washed it and detailed the inside, including the windows and did 4 loads of laundry (thanks Mom). Going to try to knock out a few more things on the list yet tonight, but have a couple hours of work to do for my clients first.

I suppose I'll crash somewhere around 2am. Good thing I don't get days like this very often, or Mom would definitely outlive me! lol

Oh my gosh...Mom just got up and said she dreamed that she robbed the bank downtown of $2400. Why? She didn't know - "I guess I needed the money!" she said. I asked if there was a weapon involved, but she couldn't remember - all she knew was she robbed the bank! Life is never dull....I guess I should be glad she's not driving anymore, Lord only knows what she'd get up to!
(1)
Report

Relentless walking was a phase for hubby and I pray sincerely it does not come back. That was terrible. I told his day stay facility, I didn't need stay stay, I needed night stay. 7p to 7a would have been heaven. The talking or more like chanting is intermittent during the day and night. All things considered, I'll take it.
(0)
Report

I can't help but think that I really do have it easier with the pacing/non sleeping mother than the NPD/Owe me everything mother :)

If I could get away with it, I'd slip my tree into an unused room, toss a sheet over it and come next year - voila`! Pretty d*mn genius and nothing to be embarrassed about. Using your time wisely ;)

It's been pretty quiet here today. She was up most, if not all, of the night again. I'd put her to bed, put soft Christmas music on and within 27 seconds POP...up and out again. Rinsed n repeated so many times I lost count... finally secured everything and went to bed. She was up standing at the foot of her bed in the corner at 7:30 this morning, so .... after a nice washing up and breakfast followed by morning meds she crashed. I will wake her for an early dinner, warm sleepy time tea and she will sleep the entire night. As awful as it sounds, it works. Most meds leave her a mumbly Zombie...so as long as this alternative route is working and I can stand it, we shall keep trying.

Susan, did you ever make the weighted blanket? I've watched several DYI video's and it doesn't look too hard, just time consuming filling then sewing all those squares... I do think it would be helpful with the secure feeling at night?

Guess I should finish up the tree while she's sleeping. Or take a long nap. Or watch whatever I want on tv. Already spotified the kitchen/living room... detest laundry so that's a big NO... hmmm. Decisions decisions. Nap/TV and Ellen Degeneres 12 days of giveaways it is!
(3)
Report

Yikes, Jessie...not a good day at all. Hopefully when you go back, she's calmed down some and is a little more reasonable to deal with.

I gave Mom the Christmas cards today and a pen and told her to have at it. She went through and signed both of our names on all of them, so all I have to do is address them and get them in the mail. One more thing off my list.

Speaking of the list - I sat down and updated the list that's been sitting on my desk for a week now, and holy cow - I think I must have been brain dead for the past week, because I have a ton of stuff to do now, some of which should have been done already. Time to catch up.

Mom and I had a talk today about the need to hire help to come in and take care of her when I'm not here - like when I go to visit my son for a few days. It's become very clear that just having someone come check on her a few times a day just isn't going to cut it. She agrees she needs someone to help her. Tonight was a perfect example - she took a shower today (really didn't want to, and tried to tell me, "I talked myself out of it" once she was in the bathroom - but she DID shower) - and came out in her nightgown after the shower, with no underwear/incontinence pad on. She always does this - says she needs to "dry off" before getting dressed. I give her about 20 minutes before telling her she needs to finish getting dressed. Tonight, she walked towards the bathroom to get dressed, stopped at the doorway and said, "What am I doing? Going to take a shower?" - I reminded her that she was already showered, just needed to get her undies and such on. "Oh! Ok" she says....

As frustrated as I get with her sometimes, I'm glad that I can speak candidly with her about her future - at least *that* part of things is relatively easy to deal with, and I know she understands. I just hope that when the time actually comes, she really *does* understand the need for placement in a home. I'm not foolish enough to think that it's going to be an easy move, or that she's going to be completely accepting of it - but I just hope that the decision will be taken out of my hands by nature - that there will be some event that forces the issue, rather than me having to make that decision just because I can't provide the care she needs anymore.
(2)
Report

This morning I did some cleaning and got the Christmas cards done. It was mid-afternoon before I finished. I had told my mother I planned to put the tree up tomorrow. No problem until later when I was taking the garbage out. She started in on how it wasn't Christmas until she got the tree up, and she didn't know why a young person would not have decorated already. She told me how she always did it and how she decorated every year, but couldn't this year. Of course, I knew I had done the tree the last five years. And, embarrassingly enough, in the years before that, they kept the tree all decorated in the back room all year long and just moved it at Christmas.

Then she says that this is my house -- talking about me -- and I was going to live here until I died. I had to speak up at that point. Her boundaries between her and me are totally gone. I told her it was her house and her life.

The chewing criticism got worse at that point. She told me I owed her because she gave life to me. At this point I decided it was best to leave her to watch her TV in her house and continue to live her miserable life. I have to say that I did little to bring on this nastiness, other than not having the Christmas tree up yet. Some people are just too ugly inside.
(1)
Report

I've decided to dive into an all-out war against the clutter in the house and the "to-do" list I've had on my desk for over a week now. It's therapeutic for me to put things in order, makes me feel like at least ONE thing is in order in my life! Got the new drapes up in the living room - no more fishbowl feeling at night! Still don't have the Christmas tree up - that's next on the list.
(1)
Report

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter