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I have told my husband when mom "passes" I want to sell our current house/land and get something smaller.Still want pets but I need something that will have less maintanence needs than our current place.I am the healthiest one in the house so most of the yard work, house work ,mom's care and animal care falls on me. I just want something that is user friendly and I can "age" into.
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I too want a very small place with several animals. I want minimal possessions, so that I can keep things tidy and clean. LOW MAINTENANCE is the watchword!

I love showers as opposed to a bath. To me, in a bath, you're sitting in that dirty water when you're done. Yuck! If you stood up and showered afterwards, I'd be OK with it, LOL.

I want to continue doing volunteer work and I want to stay active (both mind and body). Once mom goes, I'll figure out where I want to be geographically (I'd love to be near the ocean, if I can figure out where I'd enjoy living). It's fun to imagine what could be in my future. It doesn't scare me, it excites me...I'm lucky.
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Lord help me. It is one of those crazy days. Mom was having imaginary problems with her insulin pens this morning. She called the pharmacy and told them their pens were defective and I would bring them back in. I checked the pens and they worked fine. But she doesn't trust that she got her shot. It is going to be a day.

Giving a shot is an easy thing to do. She started talking about how I needed to learn to do it for when she couldn't do it herself anymore. Of course, I've known how to do it a long time. I reinforced to her that if she became unable to care for herself that we would find a good place for her to get the care she needed. She informed me that I would take care of her. The way that she was talking to me this morning was like a boss to an lowly employee. Grr. I can't get no respect.
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Jessebelle I was having that same thought of what do I want after this. I want a shower in a bathtub it's so much easier to shave your legs. There is one bathtub in my bathroom and a shower in moms. I just want a small place like I raised my boys in and a part time job to earn some money and have purpose Hugs
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How far is the drive to theatre? She couldn't get a cab?

I'm right with you on not acting as her personal chauffeur - you'd have to get the right hat, and everything. Nuts to that! Too right, you should be inflexible - don't give an inch.

But I can see that the overnight stay might bother her - anxieties about sleeping in an unfamiliar house (and I think it's usually bathroom-related issues rather than comfy bed issues, if truth be told) seem to be really common as people get older.
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Mom has been invited by her granddaughter to attend a holiday production as her Christmas gift. The two "girls" will have a night out: dinner and the theater. Only problem is, Mom wants me to drive her to and from the theater (and just what am I supposed to do during the production? Sit in my car in the parking garage?) instead of spending the night with her granddaughter and visiting with her great grandchildren the next day. Her excuse: "I can't sleep anywhere but in my own bed." I say.. suck up a bad night's sleep, go out on the town and spend a day with your great grandkids! You're 85. You're lucky you can still visit with them.. and that they want you around! . Mom thinks I'm being inflexible and is pouring on the guilt so I'll drive her. She doesn't see the great experience she's going to loose out on by being stubborn and playing the "old lady" card. The production is in a week. She'd better think fast. Just how many times can you decline invites before you stop getting them?
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i used to envision a hot tub on my trike , full of drunk women . i figgered what i lacked in speed would be made up in ambiance ..
bout the closest ive came to achieving that dream is taking a crackhead riding every now and then . hardshell bugs can bounce off their eyeballs yet they never blink .
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I have my future mapped out -- my own little, very clean house with my own real bathtub. All we have is a walk-in shower here, so I haven't had a bath in 5 years. I hate showers. I did have a bath when we were in a hotel room, but my mother shared the room and had to pee every 5 minutes, so I couldn't enjoy a real bath. The main thing I'm concerned about is if by the time I am able to get into a bath, will I be too old to get out.

My needs for the future are so simple. I just don't know when that future will begin.
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Nothing wrong with pondering our future... scares the h*ll out of me, but I do wonder what will happen when I am no longer tasked with being a carer. Maybe it's this/mom that really keeps me grounded? Really, think about it, if it wasn't for us caring for our loved one, who would keep us doing what we do each day?

I love ribbons and bows on a tree! The simpler the better, as long as there's a lot of twinkling lights. I think it's so elegant. it looks so pretty with just light's I hate to mess with it.

Our wind has died down, but the lights/power keeps flickering on/off, the back 40 looks like chaos tho.... on the plus side, it's been 65 +. Cant beat that! It's still howling out there.... awesome sleeping weather if only I could get someone to sleep ;) working on that this minute!
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Re-reading those statements from Cap and others about losing your sense of self and purpose when caring for someone else....boy does that hit home. I keep thinking about that all the time. When Mom does finally pass away, what will I do? Since I was 18, I've been taking care of someone else - kids, husband, husband's elderly parents, then I was a single parent for several years, then the kids moved out and I immediately had to move in with Mom to take care of her. When there's no one left to take care of, I'll probably have to yank myself up by the bootstraps and go volunteer at an animal shelter or something, I guess.
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I'm late to the party here, but I think you folks have been living in my head lately.

Jeanette, you hit it right on the head with:
"Caregiver's are not allowed to get depressed nor can they afford the luxury of doing nothing much less not living. I do understand depression. Been there done that probably still doing it.... my mother can't afford me not wanting to eat nor get up and at least do something. Although this could be the most depressing of situations in my entire lifetime... it is not the end of all ends."

There are so many days that I just don't *feel* like eating, cooking, cleaning, or anything else. All I want to do is make myself a cup of coffee and immerse myself in my work, and not emerge until I'm ready to fall off my chair with exhaustion. But Mom needs to eat, needs to be reminded to take care of her bathroom needs (or she simply won't go to the bathroom, wipe, change her incontinence pad, flush, etc), needs to be urged - sometimes strongly - to shower, get dressed, etc. So it's up and at 'em, all hands on deck, rally the troops, d*mn the torpedos, full speed ahead - every day, day in/day out, 24/7. I have such a strong respect for those who deal with parents or loved ones who are far worse off than my mom is - those with severe dementia that require far more care.

I have clients out in CA that are dealing with that storm today, Jeanette - one of them is holding a huge conference today, which is a hybrid of live and online events - they are right in the heart of the storm area. 2 speakers cancelled this morning due to the weather and they lost power at the hotel where the conference was being held. (Kind of ironic, the conference is about cloud computing and they were forced to retreat back several decades and hold the first 2 hours of it by candlelight!) Another client is about 5 hours north of San Fran and had just a few clouds, no rain at all. Go figure.
Hope you and Mom stay safe, Jeanette!

No tree here yet - I had one set up, and the dang cat won't stop eating the branches. (Not a live tree, I'm allergic.) So I'm setting up one that I think he will leave alone - the branches are more tinsel-like. It's an easy-up tree - there's a central pole and the tree is spiral and collapses flat - you just stretch it out and hook it to the top of the pole and - voila! - instant tree. It's even pre-decorated with ribbons and bows, and pre-lit. I love decorating and all, but I know the cat will be breaking ornaments left and right if I put them on there.

Thankfully, Mom has had a relatively good day today, other than needing the normal reminders to take her pills and take care of bathroom tasks....good thing, because my clients are eating up all my time today, and it's not going to stop until late tonight. I took a few minutes to visit here and eat dinner (Subway!).
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I don't think she's tired of living... more tired of being confused, not knowing what's going on around her. She hate's the thought that she may be looked at as stupid.

Her tummy virus points to her being so upset yesterday. She can't articulate what's wrong, so she goes on the "just kill me" rant. An AH HA! moment!

Yip Cap, I'd agree.... winter blah's are so much more than mere depression. Even with a pill you can't change the weather.

Here in the great Pacific North West we are having a giant wind storm. Gusts to 80 mph. It's just started and we are out of depends so a quickie trip to walgreens is a MUST!!

Finally got the tree into the stand and it is straight :) Not an easy task for 1 person to do. Had to saw off several of the lower branches but I must say it looks pretty cute ;)j Later on tonight while it storms outside mom and I shall play with the ornaments...
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captain... Sounds like a ocean/beach trip is in order... If you can get away... it really helps...
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jeanette,
its still stuck in my mind how your mother is tired of living . thats especially sad when your trying so hard to make her life pleasant . i learned a long time ago by personal experience that mental illness is every bit as incapacitating as physical illness .
heart to heart,
trying to keep or find your sense of self is particularily difficult during or after caregiving , i guess because your so used to putting your own needs last . im definately at a loss for purpose right now . some of it we can all attribute to the winter blahs . thats a genuine condition by its own right and even seperately from seasonally affective disorder .
my last 12 months have mosly been about turning unwanted logs into sticks of firewood . my freakin back is gonna blow one of these days and probably cause another ice age from the dust and smoke cloud it puts up ..
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I don't think any one person's carer role is more difficult than others. Some are more challenging but who are we to judge the degree of difficult especially when it come's to our own mental sanity.

If we were to judge, I would WIN hands down today. My worst nightmare came to fruition at 2:36 a.m. Picture this, your in a deep sleep when an ungodly smell wakes you instantly up. You pry your eyes open to see your mother standing there covered in it. With watering eyes and a scarf double wrapped around my face and a plethora of febreeze sprayed throughout the entire house I give her a bath and tuck her back into bed. 2 glasses of wine later... yes I had wine at 3:30 in the morning cuz there was no way in h*ll I was going back to sleep without some sort of aid. Fast forward to 11:00 a.m..... mom comes out of her room... and that smell once again is burning my eyes.

Every carer, no matter the degree of difficulties in their life should take at least ONE day a week off. In some fashion... even if it's locking yourself in your room. No guilt. No remorse.
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I gotta get moving somehow.
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I don't see any harm in taking the 6th day, too. :)
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Didn't the Lord say something about resting on the 7th day?
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Captain, I don't believe it. What are we meant to be saying? "Awwww there never mind poor old man.."???

I suspect you're right about not making fair comparisons!

Tex? Why, are you cancelling the rides? Your mother will enjoy her hair appointment just as much if you're not stuck indoors feeling left out! (I think). But I know what you mean about the relief of not having to keep an appointment. I think it's to do with overloaded To Do lists - you're just glad there's one you don't have to tick, even if it was a nice one.
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It's so easy for us to 'loose' our self when caring for another, especially for so long. I think this is why it's so important, extremely necessary for our health (mental and physical) to slowly pick up the pieces of finding 'us' again (I'm working on it).
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Captain and Jessiebelle just stated some things that have meaning to me.I wake up without joy,not on anitdepressants because this doesn't happen everyday,seems to just come at intervals,I guess today is one of those days.If I take one day to myself I also feel like a big loser,that I should be doing "something" as long as it is not for myself.
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oh well . ill go give that #or heather a ride to the grocery store i guess . i finally found something aunt edna will eat . just a plain hotdog from a local coney restaurant . its a small accomplishment but nh cant get her to eat anything .
thanks for the kind words heart to heart . everyone on here seems to be struggling with loss of self purpose but what everyone is doing is the most generous thing one could ever do . total self sacrifice . hope everyone lightens up on themselves a bit . my parents stayed as far from elder care as they could get , they shouldnt be too disappointed with my clumsy efforts ..
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Captain... Oh Captain!...
Don't be so hard on yourself captain... You're a great person!... Your 'calling' has been done and God has given you the best Christmas present to bestow on any human being. I'm so proud of you and I'm sure so many others are also... Treat and pamper yourself... you earned it and deserve it!
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as screwed up as it is i still think that caring for an elder near end of life is a special calling and its no wonder that only one in a handful of siblings can or will do the job . ive picked heathers brain a little bit to see why she never plans to return to institutional elder healthcare -- its a horrifically difficult job even when your on a crew with several co workers . theres nothing wrong with my memory . i very well remember that my mothers bipolar in combination with dementia took a toll on my head . i didnt find this website just by accident . i had a seemingly impossible job to do and had everything to learn about it . sis tried the " fly by every day or two approach " , niece tried living in and doing the job and that lasted about 8 weeks . when everybody else steps back you pretty much have to care for the elder .
i dont have any regrets . id have been voted the person LEAST likely to stick with mom till the end but appearances are deceiving .
it seems the self imposed guilt never ends . ive worked 4 in a row and took today off to rest and feel like the biggest loser in the world . its silly . i just dont know enough men my age to fairly compare myself to . the frame carpenter out at the farm is my age and works a solid 40 hrs a week -- but he stands on the ground dictating and makes saw cuts . much younger guys are standing in the sky throwing lumber around .
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I think you said the keyword for many of us. How could we not be depressed? It might not be the kind of depression that makes us have to start on medications or jump off cliffs, but it is the kind that makes us wake up without any joy.
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Tex... I think there's a lot of us in this kind of situation... Same here... my mother lives with me... One thing I'm trying to sink into my head it that you can't live for them anymore than they can live for you. So, all you can do is try new things. My mother won't let me do any bathing for her, wash her hair or anything (she's 87)... So far, she's keeping 'up' pretty good, but if I smell an odor, I let her know. Every day, I gauge what's happening (in her world). In the future, I will probably get help if I need to... I told her that if she won't let me help, she'll have to pay the person I get to help her... Tell you mom that (I have) that if the doctor thinks she's not getting the proper care at home, 'they' can take her away from you... I think this gives them some food for thought(?)... Keep writing here... ((hugs))
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why did I do what I just did? I cancelled an appointment with a friend to go horseback riding.It is a beautiful day and I am so depressed.Meanwhile,my mother is now at the salon.What is wrong with this picture? But I actually felt better after cancelling meeting my friend.
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I feel guilty about not "pressing" her more about the bath but I just get tired of the struggle over a bath that I help her with,I literally am at her side,handing her towels and soap, I make a great bathroom attendant,wish I had one for myself.She is getting her hair done today so I know she isn't hurting to much to bath. It's just I am afraid that she might "smell" and someone would think I wasn't doing what I am supposed to. People that don't take care of an elderly parent/spouse just don't get "it" about the bathing thing. I would sound like a crazy person trying to explain about her not wanting to bath,I mean what rational human being wouldn't want to be clean especially if they have someone that is willing to help them? She doesn't have dementia, she has always been like this, won't have her hair touched except once a week at the salon.She did this when I was a kid even during the summer , yuch! I have offered to wash her hair but she won't have it.It has to be done at the salon! This was something a therapist was helping me with, because I don't like my mother I overcompensate in caring for her because of the guilt of not liking her(I have good reason to not like her but that is another story).I am always afraid that "someone" will accuse me of not taking good care of her. I even went as far as to make a video of her and her living conditions( with my mother's permission) to show to my therapist just for reassurance that I am not keeping my mother in a "gulag".It's just that if I do anything no matter how tiny that is just for me I get a horrible feeling of guilt that is almost immobilizing.The thing is I was in great health before my mother moved in with me,now I have gained 40lbs, had 2 back surgeries,had to quit a part time job I loved just in the last 2 yrs.Sometimes I wish Ativan came in chewing gum form, I would have boxes of it.
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tex, I think putting off things until tomorrow is a fine idea. There are a lot of things that are just as good to do tomorrow. If the bath is more than you can cope with today, then tomorrow sounds just fine to me if there are no health implications. Something that caregiving has taught me is that leaves will still be there to be raked tomorrow. Dirty bathrooms and kitchens will still be dirty tomorrow. Tomorrow can be the best time to do all those things that are too much for us today.
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Guilt. The age all "signed, sealed and delivered" document our parents handed us to insure we don't bail on them. But... define "bail." You enjoying your own life, taking time for yourself and taking care of yourself is NOTHING to feel guilty about! Your parents had a life caring for you as a child. You should also have a life. As for the bathing... well, my mother cared for my dying father for 2 years at home. She'd also fight with him about bathing. One day, she stopped fighting and let him go to his dr dirty, disheveled and downright stinking. The doctor told him that if no one was caring for him at home, he, the dr, would sign my father into a facility where his everyday needs would be met. Then the dr sent a social worker to my parents' home to check up on the situation. Dad not only bathed after that but he got his head shaved to eliminate shampooing. At least he was clean.. and warned!!!
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