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This morning's chuckle and/or head-slamming moment:

Mom gets up, seems perkier than normal (yay!) and we have this conversation:

Mom: "I'm going to get washed up and I'd like to get dressed."

Me: "Cool - I'll make sure you have clothes in the bathroom."
(she does - they've been in there for 4 days. That's the last time she got dressed.)

Mom: "You know, it would be nice to get dressed now and then."
(said very sarcastically)

Me: "Mom, those clothes have been in there for 4 days - you could have gotten dressed anytime you wanted. You showered yesterday and didn't bother to get dressed."

Mom: "I know." (looks at me like I've got 2 heads....as though the suggestion that she *actually* get dressed after a shower using the clothing I placed in there for her is some kind of insult to her intelligence.)

Me: (head banging on desk...)
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I am loving the cold weather. Thank you menopause! My bedroom door is kept closed and windows open. Hmmm, no wonder my big pibble snuggles so closely :

Ca,p, I love your perspective on everything. I do mean that sincerely. I wasn't trying to treat her as a child, I had hoped it would give her something to hold on to and settle her down a bit. I am not giving up on this idea. Maybe in time she will find some sort of empathy and hold it? My snarkier side wants to say things I won't say. Mom was never a snuggler. Go figure. So now guess whom is snuggling this pretty little baby doll? ME!

I understand what your are saying Bob. Like you, I am trying to make her life, at this time, the best it can be. Trust me, she's smarter than a 5th grader!
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jeanette,
re ; " had enough kids "
thats comical . doc asked me once what i thought of my moms mental capabilities . i told him she was smarter than ill ever be . dementia is chiefly a memory illness -- mostly short term memory . you dont want to treat an elder like a child .
i took my aunt a hamburger again today at about 11 am . she just will not eat that nh swill . ill take her a hamburger every day as long as it works . nh cant get any protein down her at all .. i ate a piece of their bread last week that had mold all over it . they charge a h*ll of a lot of money to be serving donated , outdated , jail food ..
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and OMG...need I mention I already told yall I wore my house shoes to the dollar store....see??? I AM losing my mind....good grief
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I can also proudly report that today I wore my man house shoes to the Dollar Store and knew full well I had...I meant to wear them...just because I could...I used to see souls shuffle in there in their house shoes and think bless their heart...what on earth happened to them that made them so indifferent to their appearance..now I know the answer...they were caregivers.....
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I am so filled with anger and resentment tonight I can't even think straight. Right now I think I will do just fine because I am so totally exhausted from all this . I am not sure why I am so committed to keeping Mama happy, she does not seem happy these days...and going through all the routines I am going through and getting basically zero...she doesn't seem to even know who i am ...tonight all I can say is how much I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.....did I mention I hate this
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Speaking of hot houses, right now I am thrilled with the icy cold weather when I go over to visit my parent's house.... the house actually feels good.... they keep the temp at sauna level all year round so the rest of the year my limit inside is only 15 minutes... then I have to make an excuse to leave so I can catch my breath from all that heat :P
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The bath chair is next on my list! I know what you mean about the heater! When I open the bedroom or bathroom door I about die.. At least they turn off the bathroom heater once they are done in the room. Dad is always trying to get me to come in the bedroom and help him with something.. heck NO!!! I used to love wearing sweaters and tunics.. now I live in Tshirts and yoga pants
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Ooops, hit enter to quickly

My dad died 6 months after I arrived here. All I did was make sure his passing was as painless as HE would let me. I may never recover from that ordeal. His mind was sharp as a tack. His body not so good.

Today I bough my mom a lifelike baby doll. Yes, I also bought "Lola" an outfit to change into, baby bottle, a binky and... blankets. We've been working on mom holding the pretty little Lola so she doesn't feel so scared. Plus it keeps her hands/lap occupied so she doesn't feel the need to stand up every 3 seconds. However, she's having a very normal day and just told me she doesn't want to hold the d*mn thing, she's had enough kids. BANG BANG.... that was my head against the wall. Sigh.

Her Dr suggested we start her on the depakote again, only at half the smallest dose possible also... he said mom exhibited some Parkinson's type actions. The shaking and rigid body... so, he also added Sinemet. That drug is not set in stone neither is the depakote, just trying to keep her mind more at ease and the pacing at least down to 3 hours a day vs all day long.

pamz...love love LOVE the removable shower head! So does mom. She can now sit on her shower chair and have me cascade warm water all over her, along with her heater on in the enclosed bathroom.... ahhhh, so nice warm and lovely!! LOL ... NOT!! Good gawd I sweat like a faucet in there! Sigh.
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im post dementia caregiving now and sometimes tend to make it sound humorous and even fulfilling but the fact is ive never done anything more difficult in my life and yes , the isolation and loss of my own direction were excruciating . my entire world was one 11 x 13 bedroom and all of my personal junk ( aside from clothes ) was piled haphazardly in one plastic milk crate . its knowing that your on an extended camping trip thats so unsettling . why develop a system , its not your home . a couple of female friends i had would lament about how messy the yard was with my scaffolding and motorcycle junk everywhere . neither of the two i speak of had ever contributed anything to another person and certainly never cared for their elders . they were just a set of vocal chords with bellows . in fact i called one of them " screech " . both have all the answers to the questions nobody asked ..
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This is exactly why I asked you the question hope. I do worry about you and how you are going to handle all of what eventually is going to come. I know you loved your dad... and his loss was hard, like mine was. Both of us need to prepare ourselves mentally or ... well, you know. Just try and pull yourself out of this... not trying to be the bearer of bad news but like you said, you are living your life right now to make your moms passing nice for her and a blessing. Not just to watch her die. I think you feel that way because of your dad, least that's how I feel at times.
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But yes, I seriously do wish she was able to follow me around...she was and will always be my best friend...I miss her so much....it is losing my best friend and my Mama all at the same time...
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Know what you mean Littledog...I am seriously tired too....I used to never even think of hurling that awful word out even if no one heard me..let alone make a point on going outdoors and letting it fly. All of this started wtih Mama right as I began going into menopause...I have always had the best timing...NOT....anyway....I have seriously never felt as physically bad in my life as I do now. I am going for my test results this coming Friday and nothing that comes out of that mans' mouth would surprise me...I will be a lot more surprised if something is not wrong...the pain meds he gave me worked great...for about one day...now the pain is back with a vengeance and I honestly don't know how much more pain I can take...physically and emotionally...it is like I died and went to hell...and I feel like I am headed there now anyway because of some of the thoughts I am having....they are not nice...not nice at all. I actually wore my house shoes to the dollar store today...and I was fully aware of it...I didn't care..I was too tired to change them...now i will have to wash them...but oh well....
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My hubs just installed a new shower head in the folks bathroom. the kind you can take down and use as a hand held. Of course the hose is sticking out because it;s been in a box since birth... It;s annoying him to no end, and I know its going to annoy Mom... I just keep saying "let it be, it will unkink once it hangs for a bit..." Oh boy.. thought this would be a good idea.. silly me! Mom says "I'll have to get in the shower with him".(dad) . NO YOU WONT!! You can just reach in and point it where you want it to go! I gave in,, said if they don;t like it we'll put it in our shower. Alot of my friends swear by theirs.. it's a nice waterpick and we also got one for daughters new house spare bath ( the one there is old and icky) Give me strength!!
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p.s. that should be I would NOT do it because of my religious beliefs.
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@Hope - do you really want to go back to the time your mom got on your nerves? No. I'd rather be where you are now because I definitely would put my mom in a nursing home at that point. I've come to the conclusion that they just don't know who we are when they get this bad.

It's like the movie Ground Hog Day where the reporter lives the same day over and over and over again. Each day is the same for us.

And d*mned it, it's annoying. It's sad. It seems pointless. I know I would NOT want my children to see me this way. There is no way of hell's earth that I would allow my daughter to bathe me. Zero. And wipe me, uh, no. I've already told them, absolutely not. Nursing home, whatever.

I was talking to my son the other day ... he was telling me when they take older people into the nursing homes or living facilities, there's always a coroner taking a few out. We also discussed the issue of what constitutes living? Look at the people who are kept on life support who are brain dead. There are machines now that can detect brain death. Are Alzheimer's patients brain dead?

This is in no ways or means meant to sound like the 'death panel' discussions....I mean, think about this, if a person is in an accident and the doctor declares them brain dead, what's the difference! I would do it because of my religious beliefs but people are living longer now, we've got basically older people taking care of the oldest people, I'm 63, my mom is 91.

I'm tired! I don't believe I'm selfish. I'm seriously tired. I had to cancel a second mammogram/sonogram today because there was no one to care for her while I was gone. I've been told I need surgery that will require 3-7 days in the hospital for another problem I'm having. My life is on hold. All of us are kind of suspended in no man's land.
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I am finding all these evenings are very long these days Littledog....before mama stopped talking I would tell her I loved her and she would tell me, I love me too....I know what she meant...I think.....
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Jut when you think you have this all down 'pat' they throw something else at you! My mother has been acting strange the past two days. Just now, I asked her who I am. She said, "You're my mother".

Yay!

Now I'm in the living room with a glass of wine in one hand and a handful of chocolate and pretzels in the other. The dog is at my feet and she's in the den watching Judge Judy.

This should be a very long evening. Blah.
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And I have to admit that not long ago I got really angry and I went out IN THE FRONT YARD...and dropped the "F" bomb a whole bunch of times at the top of my lungs just because.....
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Jeanette...I don't know...I am not sure how I am going to feel....Today would be the wrong day to ask me. Caring for someone who is totally bedfast now for a year, and now does not speak to me, just glares, she will wake up to eat however, so I am officially living my life so I can feed her, change her soiled underwear and do it all over again in a couple of hours...i am beyond gone...My soul feels like it is dying...I had a friend who told me at the outset of all this that she would rather die than have her kids do for her what I was about to do for Mama...Mama would have probably felt the same way...I thought my friend was so horrible...I don't think I feel that way anymore....Today i am dead....it feels like I am living my life so I can watch Mama pass away...that sounds harsh I know and i am sorry, but Mama did not want to be like this...no one does ...God in heaven please don't let me end up like this...She seems so unhappy most of the time now...No matter how hard i try, how many goofy stories I tell, how many silly songs I sing, how many funny stories of crazy things we did together...all she does is lie there and glare back at me...I know it's all a part of it, but it is horrible...There are a lot of things worse than death I think...this is one of them. I always wanted to keep Mama here as long as she was happy...I still want her to get better...I'm not saying I want her to go ...please don't think that...but this is almost beyond bearable for me...to spend every waking moment running myself ragged so I can watch her withering before my eyes.....I called one of my closest friends a little while ago..simply because I knew she would let me rage until I got it out of my system...and that is exactly what i did. I hope I got it all out..I am useless to anyone like this...I am tired, I am lonely, it all seems so hopeless and even pointless... I remember back when Mama used to get on my nerves and now how I wish she could get on them again....
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i got by with near murder today . went to my court hearing on the driving while suspended charge . i never had lapsed insurance , just let the sr 22 lapse . i expected a deferral on the ticket that would have cost 275 . 00 with seat belt violation . instead i only got the 25 dollar seat belt violation . praise be to jeBUS , i can afford some booze and drugs now ..
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Tgengine, I don't think I would be letting him cook again or either up your fire insurance.Maybe his short term memory isn't so good. Also, make sure you have a handy fire exstinguisher in the kitchen.I think I would encourage using the microwave and disconnect the stove.
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So dad can cook and quiet well. He bought some things to make pot pie, kept talking about it, so I bought some ham to go with it. told him he can make it since I have business dinners all week. He did OK cleaning up in the kitchen. Left the pot to boil, I come back an hour later still full boil. lucky I caught it, he walks away to go to his room. Kind of what I expected. So I guess I wont complain about cooking so I don't worry about a burnt out kitchen..... Ugh, I just have to remember what the kitchen at home liked like after mom died and he was cooking....
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Tex, have you tried simply ignoring her? Just shut it off for a minute and go about your day? Let her lament all she wants... it's not going to change, just drive you more nutso if you can't find a way to just let is slide right off. It would be AWESOME if you could find somewhere to drop her off for several hours a week :))))) No choices, just drop her off!!

Susan, I love watching Dr. Pol.... I even had a slight crush on Charles lol, he's so darn funny as the rest of them. Actually have learned a lot more about animals since watching it. Great family!

Ok... I want to touch back on the guilt thing. Lately mom has been glued to my hip. I cannot get anything done around here. If I turn around too quickly I about run her over. If I walk a bit faster to get to the bedroom and back before she can catch me, I have to slide by her in the hallway. This has been going on for days on end now. She won't sit still. The constant "where are you at"? Even though she's looking straight at me asking it. I am right here!! I asked her to please just sit down for a minute!!! Already the "Where am I supposed to sit" has started. She's down the hallway now asking "Where are you at". She just left me. Sigh. So here's the guilt part. I'm no longer answering her. I just politely smile and keep doing what needs done. If not, this place is going to fall apart. Now I've been thinking about placing her somewhere for a few weeks so I can get some REST! But I know that will terrify her. what to do...what to do...
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Texarkana, welcome to the only child-no children club. I always wondered who will drive me or take care of me when I get older.... oh wait, I plan to move to a retirement community while I still can get around, they have free transportation :)
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Jeanette - I used to live about 5 miles from Dr. Pol's office before I moved in with Mom - he's long been a fixture in the area where he lives & works. I *love* that he has his own show! We watch it all the time.

The cold snap continues - 18 with a windchill of 6 right now, supposed to be lower windchills when the wind gets up this afteroon - gusts of up to 35 mph, going to be just *lovely* out there. Good day to stay indoors and work. I'm going to try to put together our new TV stand today - it has a little electric fireplace in it - Mom is just overjoyed and can't wait to get it set up so she can enjoy it. I figure if she's feeling cool at night when I've got the thermostat turned down a bit, she can always turn that on LOW and warm up and enjoy the flicker of the "flames". :-) (Thermostat is located in another room, so it shouldn't affect how often the heat comes on.)
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ba8alou, how I wish my parents would use a taxi service, but Mom won't ride with strangers. Let me clarify that, *strangers* is anyone who is not of my parents nationality, culture, race or religion..... guess Mom and Dad will be walking from now on :P

Mom is wrapped up in going to the doctors, if they say 1 year, it's one year to the day she wants to be in that doctor's office. If they say 3 months, she's there like clock work. And never tell Mom that any medical situation is due to old age, she doesn't want to hear it. Dad on the other hand knows he's getting old and he is relieved when a doctor does tell him its old age and nothing more serious.

How I wish the doctors could explain to Mom she doesn't need to see them anymore, even if she could hear, she would still make an appointment. Guess it is reassurance for her, especially when the doctor says *I will see you next year*.
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Okay, this is my whine/vent at least for now. I apologize upfront for my whining as I do realize that many of you are dealing at this moment with far worse than my "woes".That's what I love about this site, I can get it off my chest without guilt. Well anyway, spent 4 hours on the phone yesterday trying to straighten out my mother's insurance,got the biggest run around,finally ended up calling the patient representative at the hospital where her Pain management MD is and told them what is going on with the urine drug test bill.Maybe I will hear back from him. Also,trying to find her something to do oh my! I have emailed the "arts councils" for my county and a neighboring county that if they didn't have any activities did they know of anyone that did china painting/or watercolors and feel free to give out my email to anybody that did these activities.Tell mom,think she would be pleased? she basically ho hummed my efforts and literally kept walking past me as I was telling her what I did. There is no pleasing a Narcissistic person, there just isn't.But don't think I won't hear again about her being bored at least I have done what I could. We live in a rural area which I love but she is a city girl.I'll admit my county isn't exactly the land of Picasso.She will lament about how she use to be able to do her own shopping,cleaning cooking. blah ,blah.If someone would do all my cooking(to order which is what she gets) do my shopping and housecleaning I would be jumping for joy.When or if I ever get to her age I will be alone, I will probably outlive my husband, I have no children, what friends I have are at least my age or older and I will probably outlive them. There won't be anybody to do the things for me that are done for my mother, I guess that is a big reason I just don't have really any sympathy for her boo hoo parties.If you have read any of my posts my mother has NPD, we never got along,and she only lives with me as she had no where to go,NH or AL wouldn't take her dogs and I am an only child,what fun(sarcastic).
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Veronica, my Dad has been like that most of his life, when he talks about his college life, his buddies, and the engineering lab/physics lab, it brings to mind the comedy show "The Big Bang Theory"... he's more like Sheldon. In his world woman aren't suppose to get sick, when they do, ignore them, they always get better without your help.... [sigh]

Sadly my Mom can barely hear, so trying to talk to her results in repeating the same subject over and over, trying to see if she catches at least one word, thus I need to be a walking thesaurus. Last night she did ask how I was feeling, she caught on that I wasn't feeling good, so she thinks I have a cold or stomach bug, because she said chicken soup is good..... oh well, I tried, I didn't correct her as that would have been to exhausting.... I don't think chicken soup will help with panic attacks and kidney stones, would be great if it did :P
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FF: Is there a car service that your parents can hire to take them shopping, etc? With regards to eye docs, I discovered after taking mom to her eye doctor every 3 months for the longest time (a whole day off from work each time) that she was worried that she was going blind from her (dry-the good kind) macular degeneration. I found a thing on the web, it's a kind of grid that you stare at for 30 seconds and if there are certain changes, then your MD is getting worse. This seemed to calm her fears.

I would have a word with each of mom/dad's doctors in private; are these visits really needed? I think many doctors are loathe to tell elderly patients not to come back so often, because they know that the patients love the attention and the outings. Your docs maybe thinking themselves "why do they feel they need to come so often?". Make some time to fax each of them a letter today.
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