Follow
Share
Read More
Jeanette...bless your heart...yes, those thoughts of my Daddy and how much he loved the holidays kind of keep me going...but also make me have moments of almost numbing sadness. I can still see him sitting in his favorite chair, curtains pulled back, so he could see my car approaching...As soon as I started turning in he would jump up and start helping me unload the "sleigh"..he would be all excited..what had I brought, what had I cooked...what could he get into first..lol...he always stood in the living room where our main tree was and would always say..."it's the prettiest it's ever been"...every year was the same...I often do the same thing Jeannette...I ask and pray that I can dream about him ...just a little visit to see him just for a few mintues...

The other day I went by the cemetery and just stood there and had a long talk with the place where his body is...of course I know he is not there but I still have long talks there and I guess passersby think I have lost it..I don't care.

Right now the emotions are overwhelming me.... I need to step away I think...
(1)
Report

I agree, change is inevitable, whether we like it or not and to resist is futile. Last year I already knew no one was coming to our home for Thanksgiving, but I made the full feast for Mama and myself...not realizing then it would be the lat one she would "eat"...She now only has the ensure, so really there is no need to make a huge feast but I think I am going to make one of my favorite chicken casseroles and maybe some green beans on the side and an apple or pumpkin pie...I'm still doing a holiday thing, but I guess I'm just doing it for Mama and me..but that's fine...after all, we're pretty special... :) I am learning to make new memories and think Daddy would be proud that I am trying.....

It is kind of sad that my brother does not participate like I know he would like to but there would be heck to pay if he did, so I don't put pressure on him...sometimes he runs by for coffee and pie, usually not, but I let him do what he wants to do...There is so much about that dynamic I will never understand but I think he has finally realized I am here for the long haul and am taking really good care of Mama and do not ask him for anything so he has nothing to complain about....and he at least seems to be trying to be emotionally supportive...that's really all I want anyway...just to not feel forgotten....

we have a channel that is already playing instrumental Christmas music and it is very soothing and Mama seems to enjoy it. She has perked up so we are now having another good day...That seemed to coincide with me getting a grip on myself and snapping back into shape.... :)
(1)
Report

* were
(0)
Report

One last thought.... Mom used to tell all of us kids that we needed to be more "together" as a unit. She told us once her and daddy where gone there wasn't any more ties that bind us. She was wrong.... apparently once dad was gone, so where they.
(2)
Report

Ahhh, Holiday talk... my favorite topic.

Like so many others on this lovely site, I'm dreading this cheery season myself. Not that I can't and won't make it enjoyable for the two of us forgotten misfits, it's the happy memories of "once was" that get to me. Life wasn't this way before I came here. I loved the school and how much fun we had during the Holidays. I loved decorating my house and cooking... having friends, family and loved ones over. I know all of that still goes on there... just none of it here and I wish I'd of scooped mom up and got us the hell out of here right after daddy passed. That was/is my biggest mistake. Even though I tried to make things enjoyable the first year before daddy left, it was all work for me and halfhearted enthusiasm from my brothers. Even after he passed I kept on trying... just a slave day for me while everyone ate and sat around. Even my SIL and her grown ass daughter sat. I tried to make us "family"... I guess if we never where a so called family we can never be. Just the way it is I guess.

I'd love to take mom out to see the tree's and decorations in the store. Lately though, she's not able to get up into the jeep which has me stressing on how to manage this new problem. Already tried a step stool. She just will not lift her feet high enough for even the stool to jeep and she's still to heavy for me to safely manage it alone.

hope sweetheart, I feel everything you feel. I miss my dad so much... I keep begging him to visit me and let me know he's still here with me. The dislike I feel towards my siblings just gets stronger this time of year. How could they be so uncaring, disinterested and selfish?

Now I'm thoroughly depressed and just want to cry... and tired, so so tired. Mom and her night time fiasco is gonna be my demise... her ability to get out of bed and wander at night, but can barely stand during the day is amazing... just amazing

bah humbug
(1)
Report

The other day i went to Lowes to buy the last of the spring bulbs and as i walked into the store was greeted with a whle section of brightly lit christmas trees and that gave me a really warm feeling for those few minutes. My christmases have had a very checkered past. As a small child it was mandatory to have Christmas dinner at my grandmas house. the traditional turkey and christmas pudding with a few silver coins. but grandma always insisted on collecting them back up and placing them in an envelope to donate to the blind. the rst of my childhood was a blure of different experiences then came nursing school and the excitement of decorating the wards and selecting little gifts for each patient. one year after i was married my husband was invited to join us and his job was to dispense the 15mls of sherry each patient (and staff) were allowed. We were in london so inthe wee small hours would go to the market at covent garden and beg fruit from the venders and carry our prizes back on the underground. On Christmas eve nurses from all the London Hospitals gathered in their different uniforms to sing carols on the steps of St Martin in the Fields. When yoiu road the underground in London in those days or the buses if you were in uniform they would often "forget" to collect our fares.
Later with our three children we enjoyed the excitement a young family has.
now in our goldern years it is too much for me to hostso those of us who are able gather at our eldest daughter home and enjoy the decorations and Christmas music plus The traditional fare. I still make the Christmas pudding and cake to take with us. Thanksgiving is not an important holiday for us although i do still make a nice meal. We are not Americans so it is just another day. maybe one day we will get around to becomming citizens.
Change is inevitable so we have to live in the moment and make new memories.
(4)
Report

This time last year was when I tried to have a discussion with my mother about her "forgetfulness". No official diagnosis yet, but it was obviously dementia and her situation needed to be addressed as kindly, but as frankly as possible. Anyway, my attempts completely backfired. The only thing that happened was that I had to sneak around her in order to begin handling her affairs, and she decided that I was not just someone she had no respect for, but I was also "the enemy." GREAT.... Anyway, Thanksgiving last year was the first year of my life that I officially renounced The Family Holidays. Sad, yes, but a huge relief.
So, this year, I'm not stressed one bit, but I always get a little nostalgic for those elusive cozy, family memories. A few times, my husband and I have flown back East to his family, and even though it's hectic and expensive to make the trip, it's always so nice to see his parents. We won't be doing that this year, but maybe in the spring :)
(2)
Report

A lot of us seem to be experiencing the pre holiday blues ....I know I am. I always get so into them, because I remember the way they were back when Daddy was healthy and Mama and I would go shopping together. They enjoyed them so much and my nephews always said it never felt like Christmas until they got here. It was that way until Mama got so frail...she could go and do like she used to..I lived a long way off but I always helped her with everything, even from a distance and that meant a LOT of cooking, planning, getting my pets to the vet for boarding, getting everything handled at home and still working that tiring job and then driving home in the wee hours because we NEVER got to take off during the holidays..getting home worn out and exhausted, but after a night of rest, getting up and enjoying them pretty well...but now ..especially the last three years, no one comes...last year was better than usual because brother did come, my cousin came and we made it fun but that was it...I remember how hard Mama always worked to make it fun for everyone and now I see how inconsiderate and selfish all these folks are...it's not that they don't come to town..they come, they just don't come here...and I have almost a hatred for them because of that....we had such a close little family and then my brother married first one self centered money grubbing snot, and now another...neither one is family oriented, just after what money they can get so they don't care about Mama and it burns me up...

Still I am trying to make it merry and yet knowing in the back of my head it is never going to be the way it used to be and that makes me so sad....
(2)
Report

Jessie, I know what you mean about the holidays. I use to enjoy them when I was a kid and a young adult.... but once I got married the holidays, such as Christmas, became a stressful chore as I was the one buying the greeting cards.... writing letters in the cards [back before word processors].... getting the stamps.... mailing the cards out.... deciding what to have for Christmas dinner as it had to be extra special and how I hated to cook.... cookies I didn't mind doing but that was an all day chore.... shopping for gifts for everyone [no such thing as today's gift cards]... or ordering out of catalogs [no internet back then], mailing the orders and hoping it would arrive on time.... wrap up the gifts... mail out those gifts that had to be mailed, thus standing in line with 100 other people at the post office.... decorating the tree... cleaning the house for company.... getting the guest room and bath ready, etc. And throw a little OCD into the mix :P

What did hubby do.... he bought the Christmas tree.

Then hubby wondered why I was so exhausted and not enjoying the holidays.... HELLO !!!
(4)
Report

Well, it's November. Today I thought about all the holidays since I've been grown. Mom always insisted we come home each year to celebrate, using the old FOG techniques of how we were family. Sometimes it meant a one-day drive from the next state. Other times it was a 2-day drive from halfway across the country.

It is the same now. I am her hands and feet. We have to do this and that because we are family. She hasn't figured out that the "family" doesn't seem to care if we live or die.

It would be great to be a kid again during the holidays. I can't remember enjoying a holiday with family since that time. My best Thanksgiving was before I left TX. I had dinner with a friend's family at Cracker Barrel. No cooking, no cleaning. Just good friends and warm conversation. It makes my heart hurt when I see this year's line-up from h*ll for the holidays. I am trying to change my mindset, but I'm filled with dread.
(4)
Report

Butterfly...know what you mean....what I go through in order to go somewhere even briefly, and then when I get back it looks like there has been a frat party going on and Mama is bedfast....!!!! yikes....

Yesterday and Sunday were such good days...now today Mama is in one of the low moods ...I have decided it is definitely taking a toll on me going from a huge high when she is happy to such an extreme low when she is in her confused state...I have to remember she is not unhappy then, just confused...I hope she's not unhappy...any...all the stress of this morning is causing me to have chest pains....the happy feeling was good while it lasted....

It is also dawning on me that I am not looking forward to the drive tomorrow...I need to focus and just look at it as a day out on my own, enjoy the view and bundle up and pretend it is a happy Christmas....but I am dreading facing my former hometown...will not be going by where I used to live...I don't want to see it again...ever...that has to be left in my past...too painful. Feels like of like saying that final goodbye to the person I used to be.
(0)
Report

My whine today...got a 4 day break from the insanity here by going to GA to visit my sons & old friends I have not seen in 25 years. Aunt & uncle's kids came in which is main reason I left. Got back to TN yesterday evening to the worst mess I've seen here yet. I should be grateful for the break but not sure it is worth what I come back to. I hate slobs & lazy people who don't clean up after themselves.
(2)
Report

Captain, Thanks, the ear thing is dad, due to his cold but he likes the loud TV. I put french doors in my office (now his living room) time to close them. He had been watching it loud when he was at home, he moved in and I advised not so loud, apparently he was fine with it for months but it is part of being lazy that he is running it the volume up again. The down side of closing the doors is it changes the heat in the house, his room will be a bit cooler with the decreased air flow. Simple change is "turn the volume down"!
(0)
Report

JeanetteB, one time I did that leaf sending thing, too.... but it was to my sig other when he lived in Texas and he was whining about the lack of fall colors. Where he lived in Texas they had only 2 seasons... green grass season and brown grass season.
(1)
Report

my helper , heather and i hold bragging rights on the wooden wheel . i think life is about creating fun memories , god knows nobody is actually making money yet in this economy . its like the old soviet union . we pretend to work and " they " pretend to pay us .
(2)
Report

Captain, I love your ingenuity ...who'd have thought about a wooden wheel ...I love it!
(0)
Report

Have kind of come off my cloud and am thinking some of my euphoria was "in my head??" at least I still feel calm, but after a lot of reflecting, I decided to take myself off the 3 x day ibupropen because it dawns on me that will mean I am on some hefty pain meds all the time while nothing has been actually fixed... Going to take them as needed until the blood work comes back at least...I don't like being on meds at all, but making an exception for the depression meds and the one that helps my leg and hip but want to know what this is instead of just pretending it isn't there...

Another beautiful day...Even though the south doesn't always have the most glorious leaves they sure are pretty this year. First thing this AM had to untangle the neighbors dog from her predicament..poor girl, they don't care about her and so that has been added to my roster of activities but that's ok.

Mama had a great day yesterday and hoping for another today..Cousin coming tomorrow to let me go and retrieve the rest of my things from my storage unit....then I'm totally gone. Will be pretty much a nice drive there and back as there isn't a lot in the unit but a lot of Christmas things and winter clothing that now I am surely going to want to have here....Will be nice to know that I have not one single thing down there anymore.
(2)
Report

ive got to rest today . i have a caterpillar d - 8 attitude with a john deere 3 cyl diesel engine . ive gone mad with no power.lol
(1)
Report

Sent a big box of giant fall oak leaves to my beloved art teacher at the school I was Vice Principal/Nurse?Counselor?friend for 15 years. 500 Giant Oak leaves arrived safe and sound... so happy. South Florida does not have such glorious leaves like they have here.... a small slice of my happy side of life I was able to send home to my other loved ones. Wish I could ponder in the art room playing with glitter and making magic once again. sigh.
(5)
Report

I am working on some simple Christmas ornaments for a craft class at dad's AL. Thought I would run over there to show the activity director and visited with dad for a few minutes. About 90 minutes later I get a call stating dad is confused as to where his car and truck are. Yikes. Spent almost 30 minutes explaining but trying to redirect his thoughts without success. For several years now even when he was still driving he when they came for the weekend made sure truck was parked in driveway so he could see it. He was just fixated as to where they were as how could he drive home. Wondering if I should stop tomorrow but not bring this up at all? Just a part of the Alzheimer's ?
(1)
Report

I love my Jeep's! Interestingly enough, my Daddy had a 04 Jeep... and I did too!! I use mine in the summer ( all wheel drive no 4 wheel drive) and Daddy's in the winter. Yep yep yep ff!! They are awesome when it comes to snow n ice! Hmmm... the batter in dads jeep is dead also? We are getting the Arctic blast also. Plus 50 mph sustained winds...

hehe... mom wasn't too happy when I was spinning donuts last winter during our 18 inches of snow!

I will be SO happy when this halloween candy is ALL GONE! Love frozen paydays though....
(1)
Report

JeanetteB, a Jeep owner? All right :) My Jeep is 18 years old and I will drive it until the wheels fall off, love it, love it, love it. Never been stranded with it.... oh wait, couple weeks ago the battery died while I was sitting in front of the grocery store waiting for my delivery, but to me that isn't really being stranded like out in the middle of no where.... called AAA and they were out in 10 minutes and I was on my way :)

That baby can climb through the highest mess of snow on the street. I might be able to get an early season start if that artic blast from Canada hits the Wash DC area in a couple of days.... if that happens the whole area comes to a screeching halt.
(1)
Report

all of your stories are interesting tonight . i dont even know where to begin commenting on them .
susan , a good welder / fabricator can make anything happen .
jeanette , fk dogs ( verily ) .
tgengine . your buccaneers might be plugged because you need some ear wax softener and a bulb syringe of warm water to wash the hardened wax out of them . the wax traps water when you shower and makes things even worse .
ive just had one of the most interesting days ive ever had in my life . i probably wont battle for ednas poa . she has declined so markedly in the last few days that she doesnt need any kind of upheaval or family drama . she isnt in mortal distress but shes clearly losing her mind . she just sits in the hallways wondering what she should be doing . shes in good hands at nh and i hope they can coerce pia into letting edna into the memory care wing . sometimes things dont workout because they just arent meant to be or arent self evident enough to make themselves happen .
so heather and i went to the forestry to cut firewood . got to the fire trail gate / cable to find my key missing from my keyring and a tire on the log splitter is flat . not to be deterred we let ourselves in by loosening a cable clamp and proceeded to get our quota of oak wood . during the 3 hr process i sawed us an oak tire out of about a 14 inch diameter tree that already had a pithy hole in the center and bolted it onto the splitter axle . i didnt want to destroy my tire or rim driving back home with a flat . when we left , we limpd*cked down the road with our wooden tire for about 2 miles until we saw a homeowner we thought would let us leave the splitter there all night . the homeowner was my first cousin " sherry " whom i haven seen in appr 42 years . we hit it off really well and my splitter is locked up safely at her house . if somebody does try to steal it they aint going very fast or very far with that eccentric wooden tire . went back to betsys house and found my missing gate key with its broken , cheap chinese wire tie lying in her car seat . ive got the load of red oak from h*ll for my delirious renter upstairs who aint sure whether shes going to need more firewood this winter or not . ( she will unless she moves out and in that case my new renter will be buying it .
edna will be getting her new hearing aid pronto and nh will be paying for it since it was lost on their watch .
what i learned today ;
you win some and you lose some but you dont let the small stuff wreck your plan for the day . after all -- its really only all about TODAY . tomorrow isnt guaranteed .
(2)
Report

My mom takes Citrapolam.. 40nmg.... she's never floatie!!

Today is Monday, right?

My new laptop got accidentally bumped off the table.

It finally was dry enough to mow the front and back yard. Cranked up the riding mower... 97% done when I stopped it to pick up a piece of newspaper near the sidewalk... nothing like a billion pieces of paper everywhere... went to start it....ZZZZZzzzz It's like the thing that spins inside when you start it somehow stripped?? Got the tools out.... smacked the wheel spinning part with a hammer.... tried to spin it myself... nothing. Just more Zzzzzzzzipppppp crud. I could care less but it's in the front yard by the sidewalk. I am not strong enough to push it back through the gate to the backyard. I started to tow it with the Jeep. Right.

Cap! What's going on with my mower? When I go to start it the spinning part seems to have frozen up? Why? It was running just fine... had a full tuneup prior to summer. Grrr
(1)
Report

Litldogtoo - nope, no adjustment for the arms. I put the chair together myself, and the arms are FIXED. They bolt into the back and seat of the chair - no adjustment whatsoever.

Veronica - I tried six ways from Sunday to make this chair work before I gave up and went out to the curb and dragged my old chair back into the house. (I had put it out for the trash when I got the new chair put together.) Thank goodness no one had come along and taken the old chair yet - stuff put out to the curb around here lasts all of about 30 minutes if you're lucky, before someone comes through and rifles through it or snags whatever looks good to them. Just glad it was still there.

I have a footstool under the desk to elevate my legs a bit, because I have a hereditary medical issue that causes edema in my legs - we call it the 40-year-curse, because everyone in our family develops the same issue right around age 40. I tried:

-lowest chair setting, feet up on footrest, keyboard on keyboard tray
-highest chair setting, feet up on footrest, keyboard on keyboard tray
-highest chair setting, feet up on footrest, keyboard on top of desk
-lowest chair setting, sitting on a cushion, feet up on footrest, keyboard on keyboard tray
-lowest chair setting, sitting on cushion, feet up on footrest, keyboard on top of desk
-medium chair setting, keyboard on keyboard tray
-medium chair setting, keyboard on top of desk

...and a partridge in a pear tree.....

I finally gave up. You guys would have been laughing your butts off at me. It was like dancing Swan Lake with a chair.... LOL
(1)
Report

Butterfly...he put me on something called Citalopram 20MG 1 x day and then he also put me on Gabapentin 300 mg 3 x day. The latter one is supposed to be for the pain in my hip/leg BUT in researching it...because I'd never heard of it before, it says this one also has been known to have a calming effect...so I'm not sure if it is the depression med I am feeling or the Gabapentin...or maybe the combo.

I used to take Lexapro 20 mg and Adderall and LOVED that combo, but the Adderall is a controlled substance and while it was not addictive to me, since it is a narcotic, I am assuming the place I went to the doctor would not prescrive it because of that because I saw a sign that said they would not...

I hope that helps. It is so hard to find one that works . I have tried Zoloft too, and that one did help somewhat...but so far I am really findng this combination has a wonderfully "smoothing out" effect on me without making me sleepy... yay!!!
(0)
Report

Butterfly I have taken Zoloft for a number of years and like it. Started on 50mg now taking 100mg once a day. It just smoothes things out and allows me not to get upset at thingst
(0)
Report

Hope, may I ask what depression meds you are taking? I need something but after having a bad experience a couple of years ago I am leery.
(0)
Report

Susan have you thought of putting a nice thick foam cushion on the chair and a footstool for your little tootsies. You might need a step stool to climb up into the seat but you probably would be comfy
(2)
Report

Hope - I would have to disassemble the chair (which took me almost an hour to put together and weighs a LOT - heavier than any chair I've ever seen) and re-box it in order to return it, and I'm just not willing to spend the time on that. I'm going to get in touch with a welder friend and see if: a) he can cut the arms and re-weld them to make them shorter; or b) if removing the arms entirely will compromise the integrity of the chair's structure. The arms appear to be an integral part of the chair, reinforcing the back and seat and holding them firmly together. There is a large plate bolted from the seat to the back, but I don't know if that's enough to hold it without the reinforcement from the arms.

Either way, I'll figure it out.
(0)
Report

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter