I'm tired of cooking/preparing 3 meals a day. It's just the two of us but boy oh boy can that woman eat!! She stays slimish, I get fattish. It's bad enough I do everything here much less start making her one thing and me the other. At times I feel guilty when I buy her fast food cuz of the nutritional value....not to mention I eat it too.
The other day I went by the cemetery and just stood there and had a long talk with the place where his body is...of course I know he is not there but I still have long talks there and I guess passersby think I have lost it..I don't care.
Right now the emotions are overwhelming me.... I need to step away I think...
It is kind of sad that my brother does not participate like I know he would like to but there would be heck to pay if he did, so I don't put pressure on him...sometimes he runs by for coffee and pie, usually not, but I let him do what he wants to do...There is so much about that dynamic I will never understand but I think he has finally realized I am here for the long haul and am taking really good care of Mama and do not ask him for anything so he has nothing to complain about....and he at least seems to be trying to be emotionally supportive...that's really all I want anyway...just to not feel forgotten....
we have a channel that is already playing instrumental Christmas music and it is very soothing and Mama seems to enjoy it. She has perked up so we are now having another good day...That seemed to coincide with me getting a grip on myself and snapping back into shape.... :)
Like so many others on this lovely site, I'm dreading this cheery season myself. Not that I can't and won't make it enjoyable for the two of us forgotten misfits, it's the happy memories of "once was" that get to me. Life wasn't this way before I came here. I loved the school and how much fun we had during the Holidays. I loved decorating my house and cooking... having friends, family and loved ones over. I know all of that still goes on there... just none of it here and I wish I'd of scooped mom up and got us the hell out of here right after daddy passed. That was/is my biggest mistake. Even though I tried to make things enjoyable the first year before daddy left, it was all work for me and halfhearted enthusiasm from my brothers. Even after he passed I kept on trying... just a slave day for me while everyone ate and sat around. Even my SIL and her grown ass daughter sat. I tried to make us "family"... I guess if we never where a so called family we can never be. Just the way it is I guess.
I'd love to take mom out to see the tree's and decorations in the store. Lately though, she's not able to get up into the jeep which has me stressing on how to manage this new problem. Already tried a step stool. She just will not lift her feet high enough for even the stool to jeep and she's still to heavy for me to safely manage it alone.
hope sweetheart, I feel everything you feel. I miss my dad so much... I keep begging him to visit me and let me know he's still here with me. The dislike I feel towards my siblings just gets stronger this time of year. How could they be so uncaring, disinterested and selfish?
Now I'm thoroughly depressed and just want to cry... and tired, so so tired. Mom and her night time fiasco is gonna be my demise... her ability to get out of bed and wander at night, but can barely stand during the day is amazing... just amazing
bah humbug
Later with our three children we enjoyed the excitement a young family has.
now in our goldern years it is too much for me to hostso those of us who are able gather at our eldest daughter home and enjoy the decorations and Christmas music plus The traditional fare. I still make the Christmas pudding and cake to take with us. Thanksgiving is not an important holiday for us although i do still make a nice meal. We are not Americans so it is just another day. maybe one day we will get around to becomming citizens.
Change is inevitable so we have to live in the moment and make new memories.
So, this year, I'm not stressed one bit, but I always get a little nostalgic for those elusive cozy, family memories. A few times, my husband and I have flown back East to his family, and even though it's hectic and expensive to make the trip, it's always so nice to see his parents. We won't be doing that this year, but maybe in the spring :)
Still I am trying to make it merry and yet knowing in the back of my head it is never going to be the way it used to be and that makes me so sad....
What did hubby do.... he bought the Christmas tree.
Then hubby wondered why I was so exhausted and not enjoying the holidays.... HELLO !!!
It is the same now. I am her hands and feet. We have to do this and that because we are family. She hasn't figured out that the "family" doesn't seem to care if we live or die.
It would be great to be a kid again during the holidays. I can't remember enjoying a holiday with family since that time. My best Thanksgiving was before I left TX. I had dinner with a friend's family at Cracker Barrel. No cooking, no cleaning. Just good friends and warm conversation. It makes my heart hurt when I see this year's line-up from h*ll for the holidays. I am trying to change my mindset, but I'm filled with dread.
Yesterday and Sunday were such good days...now today Mama is in one of the low moods ...I have decided it is definitely taking a toll on me going from a huge high when she is happy to such an extreme low when she is in her confused state...I have to remember she is not unhappy then, just confused...I hope she's not unhappy...any...all the stress of this morning is causing me to have chest pains....the happy feeling was good while it lasted....
It is also dawning on me that I am not looking forward to the drive tomorrow...I need to focus and just look at it as a day out on my own, enjoy the view and bundle up and pretend it is a happy Christmas....but I am dreading facing my former hometown...will not be going by where I used to live...I don't want to see it again...ever...that has to be left in my past...too painful. Feels like of like saying that final goodbye to the person I used to be.
Another beautiful day...Even though the south doesn't always have the most glorious leaves they sure are pretty this year. First thing this AM had to untangle the neighbors dog from her predicament..poor girl, they don't care about her and so that has been added to my roster of activities but that's ok.
Mama had a great day yesterday and hoping for another today..Cousin coming tomorrow to let me go and retrieve the rest of my things from my storage unit....then I'm totally gone. Will be pretty much a nice drive there and back as there isn't a lot in the unit but a lot of Christmas things and winter clothing that now I am surely going to want to have here....Will be nice to know that I have not one single thing down there anymore.
hehe... mom wasn't too happy when I was spinning donuts last winter during our 18 inches of snow!
I will be SO happy when this halloween candy is ALL GONE! Love frozen paydays though....
That baby can climb through the highest mess of snow on the street. I might be able to get an early season start if that artic blast from Canada hits the Wash DC area in a couple of days.... if that happens the whole area comes to a screeching halt.
susan , a good welder / fabricator can make anything happen .
jeanette , fk dogs ( verily ) .
tgengine . your buccaneers might be plugged because you need some ear wax softener and a bulb syringe of warm water to wash the hardened wax out of them . the wax traps water when you shower and makes things even worse .
ive just had one of the most interesting days ive ever had in my life . i probably wont battle for ednas poa . she has declined so markedly in the last few days that she doesnt need any kind of upheaval or family drama . she isnt in mortal distress but shes clearly losing her mind . she just sits in the hallways wondering what she should be doing . shes in good hands at nh and i hope they can coerce pia into letting edna into the memory care wing . sometimes things dont workout because they just arent meant to be or arent self evident enough to make themselves happen .
so heather and i went to the forestry to cut firewood . got to the fire trail gate / cable to find my key missing from my keyring and a tire on the log splitter is flat . not to be deterred we let ourselves in by loosening a cable clamp and proceeded to get our quota of oak wood . during the 3 hr process i sawed us an oak tire out of about a 14 inch diameter tree that already had a pithy hole in the center and bolted it onto the splitter axle . i didnt want to destroy my tire or rim driving back home with a flat . when we left , we limpd*cked down the road with our wooden tire for about 2 miles until we saw a homeowner we thought would let us leave the splitter there all night . the homeowner was my first cousin " sherry " whom i haven seen in appr 42 years . we hit it off really well and my splitter is locked up safely at her house . if somebody does try to steal it they aint going very fast or very far with that eccentric wooden tire . went back to betsys house and found my missing gate key with its broken , cheap chinese wire tie lying in her car seat . ive got the load of red oak from h*ll for my delirious renter upstairs who aint sure whether shes going to need more firewood this winter or not . ( she will unless she moves out and in that case my new renter will be buying it .
edna will be getting her new hearing aid pronto and nh will be paying for it since it was lost on their watch .
what i learned today ;
you win some and you lose some but you dont let the small stuff wreck your plan for the day . after all -- its really only all about TODAY . tomorrow isnt guaranteed .
Today is Monday, right?
My new laptop got accidentally bumped off the table.
It finally was dry enough to mow the front and back yard. Cranked up the riding mower... 97% done when I stopped it to pick up a piece of newspaper near the sidewalk... nothing like a billion pieces of paper everywhere... went to start it....ZZZZZzzzz It's like the thing that spins inside when you start it somehow stripped?? Got the tools out.... smacked the wheel spinning part with a hammer.... tried to spin it myself... nothing. Just more Zzzzzzzzipppppp crud. I could care less but it's in the front yard by the sidewalk. I am not strong enough to push it back through the gate to the backyard. I started to tow it with the Jeep. Right.
Cap! What's going on with my mower? When I go to start it the spinning part seems to have frozen up? Why? It was running just fine... had a full tuneup prior to summer. Grrr
Veronica - I tried six ways from Sunday to make this chair work before I gave up and went out to the curb and dragged my old chair back into the house. (I had put it out for the trash when I got the new chair put together.) Thank goodness no one had come along and taken the old chair yet - stuff put out to the curb around here lasts all of about 30 minutes if you're lucky, before someone comes through and rifles through it or snags whatever looks good to them. Just glad it was still there.
I have a footstool under the desk to elevate my legs a bit, because I have a hereditary medical issue that causes edema in my legs - we call it the 40-year-curse, because everyone in our family develops the same issue right around age 40. I tried:
-lowest chair setting, feet up on footrest, keyboard on keyboard tray
-highest chair setting, feet up on footrest, keyboard on keyboard tray
-highest chair setting, feet up on footrest, keyboard on top of desk
-lowest chair setting, sitting on a cushion, feet up on footrest, keyboard on keyboard tray
-lowest chair setting, sitting on cushion, feet up on footrest, keyboard on top of desk
-medium chair setting, keyboard on keyboard tray
-medium chair setting, keyboard on top of desk
...and a partridge in a pear tree.....
I finally gave up. You guys would have been laughing your butts off at me. It was like dancing Swan Lake with a chair.... LOL
I used to take Lexapro 20 mg and Adderall and LOVED that combo, but the Adderall is a controlled substance and while it was not addictive to me, since it is a narcotic, I am assuming the place I went to the doctor would not prescrive it because of that because I saw a sign that said they would not...
I hope that helps. It is so hard to find one that works . I have tried Zoloft too, and that one did help somewhat...but so far I am really findng this combination has a wonderfully "smoothing out" effect on me without making me sleepy... yay!!!
Either way, I'll figure it out.