My "whine moment today." What's yours?

My whine moment of the day is not a whine but an observation. THE HOUSE IS SO QUIET WITHOUT MY FATHER WOO HOO. My sister came by and picked up Dad to take him to her house for a few hours. The house is so quiet. I swear every time I hear him come down the stairs, I cringe. Our weekend HHA is a delight. She is so quiet and unassuming. She really blends right in with the family. Its funny when my father goes to my sister's house he has no health concerns whatsooever. Moving boxes, Helping to arrange things. When he is at home, he sits around expecting to be waited on hand and foot. He even tried to volunteer my children to go over to help arrange my sister's house. He wants us to do things "as a family" when it comes to being my sister's personal slaves. Otherwise he would not want the children around. Im sure he will make up for the drama he was unable to cause for 3 hours as soon as he walks through the door. Im truly at the point where I cannot stand the sight of him. I know it sounds horrible but he is a very mean person.

Oh, do I ever hear you on that, FreqFlyer! I've had some *really* odd dreams that occurred after waking up and going back to sleep. Sometimes they're those stupid "falling" dreams, where you can absolutely FEEL your body falling - I *hate* those.

I had one once where I felt like I was being smothered - I could actually feel the pillow over my face, and the outline of every single finger on the hand pushing it down against my face, and I COULD. NOT. BREATHE. It was horrible. I woke up gasping for air and flailing my arms at my invisible assailant. That one was enough to make me get up and check the entire house - baseball bat in hand - because I swore there must be someone in the house.

I often hear my Skype chime go off when I'm half asleep, or the phone ringing - I hate when that happens - you feel like you *have* to get up and investigate, and then, you might as well just stay up! LOL

I'd much rather have the dream I had this morning, even though it made me sad when I woke up.

SusanA43, just had another ah ha moment here when you mentioned dreams that seem so very real.... I was wondering why I was having such dreams some nights and not others... I will need to keep a mental note when such dreams occur if I had awoken during the night.

Ever get dreams where you hear your front door bell ring or someone knocking at the front door and you are wondering if anyone is actually at the door.... I will check my bed and if there is a cat there soundly asleep I will know it was a dream. Or awake in a start because I thought I heard my name being called... that is so weird. Had a terrifying dream the other night, I thought I was having a seizure, I was 100% sure it was actually happening... I couldn't go back to sleep, it freaked me out the whole rest of the day.

Are we having fun yet?

One little lonely whine today, and I probably brought it on myself. Made the mistake of falling back asleep this morning after I woke up early, which meant I entered that stage of sleep where very realistic, lucid dreaming occurs. I know better than to do this, because it happens every time I go back to sleep like that. I have really intense, sometimes frightening dreams. Those dreams that seem SO real after you wake up that you can't forget them. In this dream, however, I became involved with a man who was so loving, tender, gentle and kind - he would do anything for me and was totally devoted to me. I felt so warm and wonderful being cared for by someone else, someone who valued me as a person, loved me for who I am and seemed to feel the world revolved around me. He was happy just to *be* with me, regardless of what we were doing. I can't really explain how good that felt.
I woke up alone to another day of taking care of mom, working for my clients, cleaning house, doing laundry and trying to keep up a cheerful attitude. It felt like someone had set a ton of bricks on my chest. I haven't been able to get that dream out of my head all day.

I've been alone for well over 12 years now - partially because of emotional damage from a failed marriage and partially because I was first a single parent and didn't have time for a relationship, and now because I'm a live-in caregiver to my mom and *still* don't have time for a relationship.

I know the fear and trust issues I have regarding relationships are my own and I've tried dating, but I'm always the one that breaks it off, because I'm so afraid of going through the tremendous pain of a serious relationship breaking up again. I have a hard time getting that close to anyone. I know I should probably get some help for those issues, but if I'm not going to be dating in the forseeable future, what's the point? It just really hit me hard this morning when I had that dream. I felt so lonely and completely alone after I woke up.
(sigh.) So that's my whine for the day. Just need to kick myself in the backside and bust out of this funk. Nothing is going to change on the relationship front anytime soon, so I just need to focus on something else.

To balance out the sucky morning I had, here are some *good* things that are happening:

-Signed up for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) and started writing last night. I signed up for this last year and wasn't able to make it happen. I got 440 words down last night in about an hour, and plan to write every night this month. Goal is 50,000 words, so I need to keep at it and try to hit 2,000 words a day to exceed my goal. Learned one important lesson last night - typing on the on-screen keyboard on a tablet sucks. Going to use my real keyboard instead.

-I picked up several pie pumpkins last week, so I'm going to process those today and get the puree bagged up and in the freezer. Also going to see if I can throw myself into some food prep today and tomorrow in order to have good things to eat for the next week or so. Having just come off a 2-week trip with Mom, we've been eating junk for the past week since we came back, because the house was in total disarray from the floor refinishing. Still working on putting that back together too.

-I've been picking up a few small work projects here and there to help bring money in for the holidays and catch up on the shortfall being caused by all the renovations to Mom's house. One more big project on the house this year (cutting the opening in the tub for Mom to get in and out easily) and then I can focus more on saving up for the projects to be done next summer - new roof on house and garage plus starting work on the basement and landscaping in the yard.

I guess I just need to focus on the good things I have in life and not be worried about how much time is passing me by while I'm taking care of Mom. I know I will not regret taking care of her, regardless of how difficult it can be at times - when she is gone, I'll look back and know I did the right thing. I have relatives who will not be able to say that about themselves, so I am trying to treasure the time I have with her, even though it's not always easy to "treasure" days like today.

Oh, yes...all the untidy stacks of papers of this & that. I can relate. I try to keep bills & important papers in a certain place and in order. Next thing I know, uncle has gone through them & created a d**n mess.

That doesn't always work, though. Sometimes, the Last Thing he remembers is My mentioning it. Then being a "very good detective", he says that I took it - because I had mentioned it previously.

That's why I don't touch any of dad's stuff. The last thing he will remember is me touching it. He doesn't remember telling me to put it here or there. Then he will blame me when he can't find it. I always have to make exaggerated movements like showing my empty hands before reaching for 'lost' item from above his bed, or behind his pillow or on the floor. Most of the times, I insist he moves the item. This way his last memory of it is Not of me touching it.

My whine for today is that hubby has used up all the ggigga whatevers from dish and we have to wait another 24 hour till they reset.so I'll be off by 8am when the free time stops. He downloads piles and piles of scientific stuff all gets neatly stapled together then left in a pile on the table or spread around his chair. Can't move anything and if i ask him to move it to vaccume he does then still blames me when something is missing.

maybe were all a little predictable . i dont drive very fast . i figure you lay stone then you die -- whats the hurry ? one day a few years ago my son ( ff ) and i were driving a country road to get to work . a car was traveling in front of us at about 25 mph . normally i just pace in behind a slow driver but this one just seemed exceptionally slow and erratic . i finally asked ff wth was going on up here ? he said i had finally ran into a driver who drives slower than me .

Yes and they wonder why we drink. I have a husband and a mother that have dementia. Bring on the whiskey. Make a double.

Oh and the repetitive questions. ...we call them million question day over here.

Good morning folks 0210am. My whine moment for today. My mom has been show timing (acting normal) because we had people over. Right now i am awake due to s low blood sugar situation and an astma situation. I just wanna sleep so I gave her a sleeping pill when the asthma and bloodsugar were handled and i popped one myself. I need the sleep. I hope they kick in soon. ~ sleepless in Scandinavia

captain, my Dad will even ask if I heard such and such story and even if I say *yes*, I get an instant replay. What is comical, decades ago my Dad use to complain about his Dad repeating stories over and over again. History repeating itself :)

freq,
my dad died at only 72 but i think he might have had a touch of vascular dementia his last few years . firstly he had a routine and a haircut you could set your watch to so every word that he uttered was predictable enough to make ya want to start killing people . one sip of coffe would get him off into the story of how strong " bob fergussons " coffee was then hed start telling some pointless tale that he would yell at " ma " a dozen times to remind him what " that guys " name was .
thats probably what caused me to give everyone i know a default nickname when im recounting a story . the nicknames are gender specific . the male one uses your screen initials and the female one aint too hard to figure out from there ..
moms favorite story was how a church audit years ago divulged a 10 cent error in the churchs favor and it was ten cents that shed clearly warned everyone about months in advance .
and they wander why we drink . : /

ullysses, anytime the weatherman calls for rain my Dad will worry about floods... heavens, our area never has had a flood in over 100 years. About 10 years ago I was out of state and Dad heard about the bad weather where I was and called me a midnight at the hotel to make sure I didn't get caught in a flood.... duh, yeah Dad, I plan to drive through rivers :P

That flood phobia use to drive me crazy... now I use it to an advantage, now I can say "sorry, Dad, can't drive you to Lowes with all the flash flooding going on" :)

My Mom also has macular degeneration so I take her to the Dr. every 6 weeks to get an injection of some medicine in her "good" eye. I shiver down my spine each time I see her get the shot:) Looks like torture to me but Mom says she is used to it and hardly blinks.

Al...

Veronica, good memory, my Mom has macular degeneration so she is almost blind. If only my parents would have moved to a retirement community, then they would have something new every day to talk about :)

Texarkana, Skype is a good idea but it wouldn't work with my parents. Dad refuses to spend one dime for high speed internet yet he will grumble that he rarely can get onto the Internet using his dial up :P

Fregflyer,

I can relate! Your story fits my situation perfectly although we have no Charlie. Dad comes outside to greet me when I arrive each morning. We're both standing in the rain and he asks me how the weather is:) After all the small talk each day we will go inside to the office and I turn up the volume on the TV news channel. Dad likes to watch the FOX news channel all day with the sound turned off. He reads the subtitles. I have to constantly remind him the Mom, who is sitting in the wears hearing room, is legally blind and and wears two hearing aids would also like to keep up on current events!! Even through the frustration and resetting the TV zapper every morning I thank the Lord that they are still with me.

Al...

Would your parents be able to use Skype?

FF could you get one of those devices that prints out what you are saying? Can't remember what they are called. I think you said previously Mom is almost blind but maybe dad would respond better. He obviously likes the sound of his own voice so while he tells his stories do other stuff in the house, like cooking or emptying the dishwasher or do the ironing. You will only have to throw in a few "ah has" when appropriate.

My whine is that I have run out of things to talk about whenever I call my parents at my set time each night on those days I don't pop in to see them during the day delivering groceries or their mail from the PO box, or driving them to a doctor appointment.

Conversation with Mom is usually the weather because she has difficulty hearing on the telephone even with her new hearing aid but according to Dad, Mom takes out her hearing aid when answering the telephone.... [sigh]. She can understand when I say *cold* or *windy*. Then there is dead silence. I don't know what else to say because Mom will say "I can't hear you".

Dad's conversations start out with the weather.... then it goes to something back in his childhood or college days that I have heard 200 times already throughout the years. I am always glad when my male cats get into the conversation as that gets Dad laughing hearing Charlie in the background chatting up a storm [it's a whole variety of different sounds].

It's sad when you lose a certain amount of communication with one's parent(s).

Great points Veronica. Yes, he has ALWAYS been that way. I remember one time I was joking around with my sister when we were kids and then I had the nerve to want to use the bathroom while he was in there. He made a whole big fuss about it. This is why I get EXTRA upset when he does it to my children.He screams that I dont want him saying anything to "THOSE GIRLS" meaning my children just like he referred to me as "that child" while I was growing up.

Toomuch the thing to focus on is tryiong to remember if he has always behaved this way. When you were a child did his needs always come first? Was he passive agressive with things like the bathroom when he knew you had to go to school or your mother had a meeting and needed to get ready. Did he always wait till the last minute to get ready when Mom had been rushing around getting done and only had five minutes left to wash her face and change her clothes. If he has always been this way it is not due to the dementia but if he does have dementia it is only going to get worse so plan for that. Altzheimers can obnly be definitely diagnosed a t PM but he could have many other causes and the Dr may feel it is worth a trial of the drug to see if it improves his quality of life. Can you talk to his Dr yourself? I started writing this without going back to see your background and history here and if I do that now I will loose this post so will stop and post then go back

Thanks for the information Jessie Belle. Im really trying to figure out what is going on and what steps I should take in order to protect my own sanity. It seems like now that the doctor has mentioned taking the medication my family is ready to blow off Dad's behavior with. "well you know he may have Alzheimers.." as if that should shut me up. This morning he started the day off looking for trouble. He made sure to take his time in the bathroom when it was time for the girls to get ready for school. When I told him he needed to hurry up, well that set off a morning argument. Im angry at myself for ALWAYS taking the bait. My children are starting to see me as a crazy person. Then later when Im supposed to be working I sit at my desk and cry tears of frustration.

toomuch4me, it means that he noticed cognitive impairment, which is not necessarily Alz. Aricept is used with other early-to-mid stage dementias as well.

This may be long. Just had to take a break for a while. Healing up after 2 level neck surgery July 3rd. Then starting Oct.1st came down with cold/allergy/who knows what it was for the last 4 weeks and only now starting to feel human and now my lower back where I had surgery Nov. 2013 has muscle spasms but that is getting better, so that catches up on my personal health ailments.I have been trolling the last couple of months and was surprised anyone missed me. I know my sarcasm can be biting and I apologize now to anyone I will probably offend,except Ferris. I read one of her usually judgemental comments to someone and almost responded then but I had forgotten my password and couldn't sign on but I am back and can't wait for her to post again.Mother is still alive and actually thriving, not to listen to her, have her going to PT twice a week which means I can con her into taking a shower twice a week.Just this morning she informs me I almost killed her last night because I turned the central fan off and she almost burned up, it was down in the 40's last night and her usual complaint is she is to cold, don't care, nothing I do is right anyway and I have come to terms with it, besides she sounded pretty good for someone so "close" to death. Did I mention she is a big time Narcissist? and that I can't stand her? She has now been living with me for 2 yrs. this month and all in all things are going pretty well. After 8 months of mental therapy for me I handle her behavior and my feelings much better so our little ecosystem is efficiently chugging away. All 8 dogs are doing well, and as for the church ladies, well they haven't been back.I don't know if I mentioned but at the end of their visit the "leader" of the gang of 3 "forgot" her tray and car keys and turned around to go back into the house, unnoticed by her I turned to follow her, and sure enough I caught her in the kitchen in the process attempting to go thru the cabinets,caught her with her hand on the knob to one of the doors, that is when I very innocently said "Oh there are your keys" which were very visible inside the door, her behavior was no accident, it was hilarious, she about came out of her shoes as she did not realize I was right behind her, she didn't do very well trying not to look guilty, I just smiled and played dumb.I informed my mother of this, kinda felt sorry for her as I knew they were just on a spy mission and also to find out where a big $ contributor had been for the last 2 months(she had foot surgery)it's a small church so her contributions are noticed.She also has a very nice ,large collection of china that they are now aware she has.I made it clear that no one from any church was coming in my house again, however, that I would be more than glad to transport anyone from her sunday school class to lunch and I would even pay for it but I am not going thru that again.Also had to again make it clear that if she ever accused me of any wrong doing and APS or any authorites showed up at my house because of something these women said or that she said they had better bring a UHAUL because she would need another place to live. I will not be a hostage. I treat her very well, I even made a video of the house, her and her room with her permission, made her aware I was showing this to my therapist,(I respect my mother's privacy even though she doesn't respect mine.)My therapist thinks she lives like a queen.(not what my mother thinks.)Big thing in working with my therapist is defining what is a need versus a want. This is where my mother and I will disagree as she thinks everything she wants is a need. For instance, when I was sick these last weeks, she had an appointment with her pain MD, can't miss those,that is a need,going to Hobby Lobby is a want( not to her).However, being sick,I will get you to the MD that prescribes the pain med that gives her quality of life but to h@ll with Hobby Lobby.Now before anyone thinks this "poor" lady is just wasting away in her room, we have been able to afford, thank you GOD!,a companion to drive her to shopping and out to eat anywhere she wants, anytime she wants, she also goes to the salon once a week to get her hair done, gets manicures and pedicures, and transported to church when she feels like going.,she also has an area we made for her art stuff that she can go to,even has a big screen TV so she can watch FOX news .I think it is someone named emjo, I may be wrong, that writes about detachment and is she ever right. I have to do that everyday.When this journey began I had very little contact with my mother from 1978 until 2012.Big adjustment for both of us, I know she didn't want to live with me,it's just that life didn't give her a choice. She isn't rich but what she does have would have lasted her a few years in an ALF but not at the level of living she was accustomed to and they wouldn't take her 2 little dogs that she was unable to properly care for anymore.She sure wouldn't have the privacy she now at a facility and I believe she wouldn't have the level of care I can provide.She sees the MD more than I do, always has her meds up to date,she even stated she has been more painfree living with me than when she lived alone.Also prior to her moving in with me, I told her it was only going to happen if I had POA,DPOA and MPOA and that my name was on everything! I am an honest person, in fact she amazingly admitted that she trusted me and that she considered me to be a decent person like my father. Lucky for her I am not at all like her.When I write checks on her account or move funds I ALWAYS tell her and explain to her why, she is kept very much in the financial loop. Did I mention I had to give up a great job I had in order for her to move in with me?The spending I have to watch is hers,she has always been like this, spending money I believe, and so does my therapist, is like the high a gamble gets,it's not so much getting something it's the act itself.I can still remember the yelling every Saturday when my father did the bills about her credit card spending.I am more like my father, always keeping any eye out for the rainy day.I try to keep us within our retirement incomes,I could probably spend more but I look toward the future. Maybe this money I am thinking of spending, with her permission , could be better used for a sitter so I could get some sleep.Right now, she doesn't have dementia, sharp as a tack despite the pain meds but that can always change. Her money will be used for her care, my plan is to keep her here in my house,even the day she eventually becomes bedbound and hospice if needed. I know her environment will be better here than an ALF or NH (I am an old retired nurse),she won't be exposed to various viruses/bacteria that lurk at these places, also I will be able to be sure she is never abused by staff, that she will always see a MD when needed ,she will always be able to have her little dogs sleep in bed with her. I can't give her back her youth or health, I can only try to make the present and the future of as best a quality as I can.There are some days I can't stand the sound of her voice, brings back so many unpleasant memories and some days I don't mind. My therapist did diagnose me with PTSD.Right now though I am trying to take better care of myself,lose weight,I actually got a pedicure for myself yesterday,oh the extravaganze! Just before she moved in with me I had gotten my weight down to 170lbs, was only 1 week from getting off orientation at a sweet little OR job that was close to home with really great people to work with, getting out with friends and then it all went to h#ll one sunny Sunday morning with a phone call from her literally screaming in pain. Since then,I have gained 80lbs, had 2 major back surgeries and only now 2 yrs later starting to reach out to old friends,baby steps but at least they are forward. I have kept up with what's going on with a few folks on here,just reading,it just got to painful for a while and I had to take a mental break, I was starting to envy those whose loved one had passed away, how disturbed is that? Also talked this over with my therapist.Going to a therapist was one of the best things I ever did, has helped me cope in a healthy way with so much. Also, when this journey first started I was so angry with God that I was an only child,my mother is also an only child. However, as time goes on and I read the many situations on this board I have come to the conclusion thank you God for the prayers you don't answer.At least I have no one second guessing every move I make and questioning every penny I spend. I feel for those caregivers that are harassed by the siblings that do absolutely nothing yet think they know everything. My biggest advice right now for those caregivers that don't have POA,MPOA and DPOA and they are being harassed by a sibling that does NO caregiving that has these document, GET OUT of this situation, this a no win situation.Call their bluff, if they can do it better tell them you are leaving or ship momma to them.I don't think there will be to many takers and demand these documents be made out to you or you are WALKING! Always have an exit plan.And lastly for those of you that are feeling guilty,that you just aren't doing enough,well, you are doing enough because you are THERE!,you are living this day after day, you didn't run,you didn't shut your eyes and live in denial, you faced reality and are doing the best you can with the resources you have ,you neglect your own physical and mental health for another,sometimes for someone that was a complete @ss to you,yet you still do the decent thing day after day with no pat on the back,little to no resources,bickering #ss siblings that do no actual help and yet you still stay and do the right thing.You are a heroe everyday and don't let anyone tell you any different. Take care of yourselves, it is not a selfish thing to do.Sorry this was so long winded, will be posting more after this mental respite.Again, I apologize if I have offended anyone, I guess I will include Ferris now,I welcome all replies.

I have a question maybe some of you can help me with. I dont want to start a new topic but maybe I should. When my father's caregiver took him to the neurologist the other day he wrote down Aricept on a piece of paper and only asked if he'd been on the medication before. Im confused. I looked it up and its an Alzheimer's medicine. Does that mean he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and no one was informed...Im very confused.

he he . gettin ready for the concert sunday evening..

those freakin colonoscopy meds always cause me a couple weeks of depression . a phsyc doc agreed that was very possible . depression of course wrecks energy and amplifies body aches . my lower legs are howling tonight . im done cutting wood for now and using different muscles for different tasks . that sounds trivial but these suckers ache .
its supposed to rain tomorrow . it wont upset me a bit if it does .
ive made my mind up on something . the next nail salon day at ednas nh im gonna let the girls paint my nails some hot and loud color like they offered to do last time . it would make edna bust a gut for a week . she laughs a lot for a 90 yr old lady and her and mines claim to fame is we do what we want and dont need anyone elses approval . if the construction men thinks its some show of femininity ill bet they keep the thought to themselves . he he
s*it is gettin real out at the farm . the framing crew is there . those guys and i go back 25 years . all i have is one girl helper . i dont want more , i dont like running a crew .

BoniChak, it's tough getting older.... as a kid I use to bounce back from anything and everything.... but it seemed like since I turned 60 a few years back, that was the magic number that if anything medical happens I am zoned out for awhile. Heck, the other day I had to call out sick from work because I only had a couple hours of sleep. Gosh, it took me 3 days before I felt normal [whatever that is] again.