My "whine moment today." What's yours?

i was building my first home at the age of 28 - with a chainsaw . divorced and built another at the age of 41 . my sons are 26 and 31 and theyre hard workers and good young men but they seem to have other priorities besides building a home . it would be more fair for them to take care of an ill old man for a while in return for this place or half of its value than for them to wait till the old man crappies off and dive on his hard earned possessions . i think the state sees it that way too .
those are some humorous stories susan . sounds like you done a great job of coping with the delusions . i have a slightly older female friend who was dating one of the most affluent men in our county for a while . for years afterward her dad kept telling her that the biggest mistake she ever made was not marrying " johnny " . thats absurd but thats just how her dad was -- everything was about profit to him . her dad spent his life living in a falling down dump because he preferred saving piles of money .
my mom and dad lived in a moldy dump too , with 100 k in the bank . when dad crappied mom bought herself a new used modular home . mom was wise with a good sense of proportion .

WOW, Pam! Now, that would be some sweet karma coming back around!!

There was a nice young kid on the block here who took very good care of the old man next door. The old man died and left him the house and all its contents. So this kid decided to remodel it for his own mother and disabled sister. When he ripped out the walls, he found half a million in cash and bonds. So he bought two more houses for family members and fixed them all up real sweet. Sometimes kharma is a beautiful thing. He did spend a little on himself though. Bought a Harley. LOL.

Oh, and to *kind of* lighten things up a bit, here are some "Daddy-isms" from my ex's father during his last months. The things he said and did were pretty funny (to us, anyway), but the reason for them happening wasn't, of course. (He had terminal cancer and severe oxygen deprivation to the brain, which triggered the oddest things to come out of his mouth.)

Early one morning, I was up making breakfast and getting the kids ready for school and daycare, etc. Husband was in the bathroom showering, so it was just me and "Daddy" (husband's dad) in the kitchen. He sat there quietly for a while, then looked up at me with narrowed eyes and said, "Why did you marry (insert husband's name)??" I was a little taken aback, but said, "Because I love him!" To which he sneered, "You love GREENBACKS!" while rubbing his fingers together to indicate money. Then he proceeded to tell me I was a prostitute, that I had to marry his son for money when I couldn't wh*re around anymore. I couldn't help it - it just popped out - I laughed out loud and said, "Daddy, saying I married him for his money is like saying I married him for his big (insert rude name for male anatomy)!" Surprisingly, he started giggling, and that was the end of that....for a while. That was a claim that came up often - that I was a prostitute and married his son for his money. Right. That's why we lived in a little 3 bedroom house with 2 kids and 4 adults. Then-husband and I had to give his parents our bedroom and we slept on the sofabed. That's luxury, I'm telling you!

One of the repeating themes in his rants was that I was a witch, and had put a spell on his wife, so that she wouldn't listen to him or do anything he said to do. (Truth be told, after decades of tolerating his alcoholism and physical/emotional abuse, I think she was just tired of putting up with his crap and started fighting back in the only way she could - by ignoring him.) One afternoon, he sent his wife out to summon me to the bedroom, while she stayed out in the kitchen. He glared at me and said, "I know what you did. I want you to take it off!" Once again, he had me a little dumbfounded, and I told him I had no idea what he was talking about. He raised that crooked index finger of his, twisted it sideways and pointed it at me, saying, "You know what you did! You put a spell on her and she won't listen to me! I want you to take it OFF! You do that, and we'll be ok again." So, I went out into the kitchen, walked up to my MIL and said, "Hey, Momma - BOOGABOOGABOOGA!!", while waggling my fingers in her face. She broke out laughing and asked what in the world I was doing - I told her I was taking the spell off that I'd put on her. Poor thing almost fell over laughing. I went back in the bedroom and told my FIL I'd taken the spell off of Momma and now she would listen to him again. He smiled, thanked me, and that was the end of THAT little episode.

Those are the two episodes that stick in my mind - but there were many others. It's good to be able to laugh at these things sometimes, or you'd cry. Had no idea when I told my then-husband that his parents should move in with us because his father was dying that being called a witch and a money-grubbing prostitute was part of the deal!

Oh - one more. FIL needed help in the bathroom in his last months, but was able to get in there by himself. One day, he took MIL's purse in there with him - we never knew why. MIL went in to check on him to see if he needed help, and found him rummaging through her purse. She was FURIOUS. I mean, she had precious little privacy or independence as it was - she was never allowed to learn to drive or handle money - so her purse was the one thing that was HERS. She yanked the purse out of his hands and asked him what he thought he was doing. He spluttered and stammered, then glared at her and said, "I'll divorce your a** if you ever yank anything out of my hands again!" And this tiny, submissive, mild-mannered little Southern woman drew up her 95-lb. frame and yelled right back at him, "Oh yeah?! GO AHEAD! SEE WHO'LL WIPE YOUR A** THEN!!!" (I thought I'd die laughing at that one....LOL)

Looloo, is she stashing it somewhere in the house "in case" maybe? My mother went through a passing phase of fretting about this, but thank God it did pass. On the other hand, when I cleared out my great aunt's flat after her death, it seemed like there were emergency funds in every tissue box and packet of nylons.

So glad I'm not the only one that feels the way I do about my kids not becoming my caregiver when I get older. I mean, I'm only 44 right now, so "old age" is hopefully quite a ways off yet, but anything can happen, of course.

I just refuse to become that sort of burden on my kids. They were not born to take care of me, though I'm sure they would, if they had to. But I simply won't put that kind of stress on them and their families when the time comes. I already know what it's done to my life, and I don't have a spouse or kids living at home anymore, so it's just me and Mom - but I can only imagine what would happen if I moved in with one of them when they had all of that and then me to take care of too. Not a pretty picture for them OR me.

Looloo - I hope you get that doc's office to wake up soon and get that letter for you - sounds like Mom could do herself quite a bit of financial damage if not carefully watched. My ex's parents lived with us for the last year of his life, and as his mind started to go due to lack of oxygen to the brain (he had cancer), he started to do and say some very odd things. They were an old-school southern couple, so she never learned to drive, handle a checkbook or anything of the sort. He did it all, and always kept cash in a bank envelope in his shirt pocket. We found that if allowed, he would keep ALL their money and not let his wife or anyone else have any - not even to pay for his prescriptions. So we finally realized that all he wanted was *some* money - but that the denominations might not matter. We gave him a bank envelope with a couple of $5s, $10s and some $1s in it - about $25 total - and that was enough. He would take it out of his shirt, thumb through the money, nod his head and put it back in his shirt pocket - satisfied that he had money. The denominations were irrelevant. Maybe something like that might work with your mom?

even if nh was a better place for me someday id still rather live out my years in my home . its really pretty simple . i built this home and sacrificed all else to do it . i want my sons to have it as opposed to a nh corporation that skimps on patients comfort and underpays their employees . aunt edna has only been in nh for 4 months and ive seen a hellish employee turnover . somebody is making money and it isnt the employees . im pretty sure thats why my mom insisted on staying in her home . she wanted her assets to go towards improving the lives of her kids .

looloo, how very frustrating for you. Trying to do the right thing & people just will not cooperate! Hope yoy give them a large piece of your mind if you end up having to make that long drive to the doc's office. Susan, my things are also in storage and I hate it! Went by there today to exchange warm weather clothes for my winter things...the place was infested with stinkbugs all over my sweaters, etc. I told my sons that I would not want to put them through what I deal with trying my best to care for aunt & uncle and to just shoot me if I get in their shape. Ha ha

Susan I totally agree with what you are saying. I put it in writing to my sons that they under no circumstance allowed to take care of me if I get this way. I told them if its in writing they have to follow the directions. I don't know if that is true or not but that is what I told them. Why should they give up their lives for me. They did not asked to be born and they are not responsible for me ever.

Ok, whine time! My mother's latest thing is that she now wants to be taken to the bank. GULP. I've been handling her affairs for the past year not because she's always been a shopoholic -- that's never been a problem. She just isn't able to maintain her bills, taxes, bank accounts, and so on. She doesn't understand any of it.
Now, all of a sudden, she think she needs a lot of cash on hand, which is alarming. She has made cash withdrawals twice in the last few weeks, for a good amount each time. Her only purchases are groceries, which she uses her credit card for, so this doesn't make sense.
She's defiant and oppositional, and she resents my involvement, so talking to her won't help -- if anything, it'll make her behavior escalate.
I've been trying for several months now to get her doctor to sign off on a letter that I can provide her bank. The banker said that having that letter would be very helpful in limiting her access and protecting her funds. But the doctor and his office are being EXTREMELY difficult. They won't return my calls. When I explained on their voice mail exactly what I was requesting, they left me another message saying they needed more information. I have tried calling them several times and STILL no return call. I'm about ready to take another personal day from work, and make the 3 hour drive down to their office, and demand an answer.

SusanA43, that is also what I want when the time comes.... so many of these retirement communities look like year around resorts, and are so very self contain. I am ready to put my name on the waiting list, just hope the list isn't too long with all the baby boomers getting ready to down size.

One of my cousins moved into a retirement community years ago when he and his wife turned 70 because it was impossible for him to take care of their large beautiful home and also take care of his mother's home and her yard. They had to give up their dream house to save their sanity. He took care of his Mom for 25 years, she past at 100 still living in her own home and had refused a retirement community. Now he and his wife and looking after her Mom who is now 100, still in her own home, refusing to move..... [sigh]

Well, if it was a ramble, Susan, it still made complete sense to me! Absolutely.

I was chatting over the encouragement v. realism debate with a close friend earlier on. Her mother is 94, lives in an ILF on a Channel Island, and is… you know… getting there… She broke a hip combined with a small stroke about 18 months ago, and so there we have the question of: how much better can she be expected to get, and how hard should anybody be trying to help her?

The fly in the ointment, it seems to me, is that niggling little voice at the back of your mind that reminds you that you don't want to let them go to pot for no good reason. Natural decline is one thing; but neglecting a small problem that could make a huge difference to quality of life is unforgivable. Unforgivable, but comparatively rare, is the thing we perhaps ought to be comforting ourselves with. Nine times out of ten, say, for the sake of argument, it is natural decline, our loved one is as active and independent as it is possible for her/him to be, and there isn't anything we should be doing that we're not already doing.

Ugh, that was a ramble, sorry. LOL

I wonder that sometimes too, FreqFlyer. I've already told my daughter that when the time comes, I will put MYSELF into assisted living or a facility, or if I am unable to express my wishes, that I want her to do it. I do NOT want her or any of my other children caring for me full time. She wasn't happy with that decision, and said, of course she would care for me, that she wouldn't want me to be sitting in a nursing home, waiting for someone to visit all the time. I told her then she needs to look at it from the other perspective and be the one that takes time to come visit, even if no one else does - but that I don't want her or any of the other kids caring for me full time. I simply can't do this to anyone else. Sorry if no one else sees it this way, but to me, as much as I love my mother, the stress, emotional upheaval, loss of "self" is just so completely unfair - I won't do it to someone else, even if I chose to do this for my mother. I know it was my choice, but if I could have seen how this was going to work out, I would have tried to find another way.

Too bad we can't see into the future.... I bet our parent(s), those with memory issues, would be shocked to see what is going on now and how their grown children have stopped their lives, and changed addresses to care for them. I wonder if one's parents could view the future if they would have made any changes?

Thanks, FreqFlyer! I was concerned that I may have offended OJ1977, and that was not my intent - my intent was just to explain that it's fine to be optimistic that things will get better with increased activity for an elderly loved one - and indeed, they may, at least temporarily - but a long-term outlook that things will be back to what used to be "normal" when your elderly loved one was younger is not always realistic. I'd love to be that optimistic that my Mom will be active again, start walking and doing things for herself, but the reality is that dementia has started to set in, and is advancing rapidly - meaning she will never be the same again, unfortunately.

OJ, I do hope that your mom improves somewhat, if for no other reason than it will allow you to get some sleep and ease your mind a bit. This caregiving bit is not for the faint of heart - many of us have had to give up everything to take care of our aging loved one. Fortunately, I work from home with my own business, so I didn't have to give up my job, but I gave up my much nicer, larger home, being close to my grandchildren so I could at least visit them, and had a place to myself. Now I sleep in my childhood bedroom, which is fraught with bad memories and has been turned into a laundry room - so I sleep with the washer/dryer. All of my belongings are in storage with the exception of a 40+ year old mattress and box spring I have to use because my bed wouldn't fit in the room (had to donate it), and my desk and computer equipment. My books, knick-knacks, pictures, other furniture....everything - all in storage.

So I guess that's my whine for the day. LOL

SusanA43, oh my gosh, I wasn't referring to anything you said, my whine was about others in general that I, and others, had verbally wrestled with on other forums here.

Others who felt if one didn't actually physically experienced the situation that one shouldn't comment. That would be like telling the doctor that if the doctor never personally had that illness, he/she shouldn't give treatment :P

{{{{ HUG }}}}

Oh, goodness. What does she think of Scotland?

Not sure if I'm whining or confessing. Mother wakes commenting on whatever random thought is going through her head. Yesterday it was about who invented knitting on four needles to make socks. But this morning it was a snide, snooty question: "What is Hereford *for*?"

For those who care, Hereford is a small cathedral city on the Welsh borders. It is like any other old provincial town - it has a cattle market, modest shopping facilities, the usual in the way of restaurants, entertainment, offices. It is not the hub of anybody's universe, except possibly the more insular sort of cattle farmer.

But what she was getting at is her leitmotif of London being the only place a civilised person could want to live in. This theme is bollocks, it is boring, it is foolish, it is snobbish, it is closed-minded - and I'm afraid I lost it with her. I find it hard to explain how *enraging* I find this f***ing attitude on her.

So I did not hold back. I told her that if she'd wanted to stay in London she had the means, she had the opportunity, she had ample time to make the arrangements - so why didn't she? Because she wouldn't shift herself. I have no sympathy and I do not want to hear another word about it, ever.

So there we are. She has her grievance for the day and she's as happy as a sand boy. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

Freqflyer and OJ1977 -

I apologize if my words were offensive - that was not my intent. Everyone's "whine moment" is completely valid, of course, and I didn't mean to make it seem otherwise.

looks like a rain day here today . they have their place too i guess . if heather still wants to work theres plenty of indoor work cleaning this place up and maybe building my stove hearth . the hearth is neat . i want to play with a 2 - 3 inch river rock concept ive been looking at and i plan to build a small fireproof safe in one end of the hearth .

Thank you freqflyer. Last nignt, it is 08 22 am here, she got a full night sleep, but because I worry and dont want to have the "...I didn't sleep a wink last night" conversation, I didn't get all the sleep i should have gotten. More than most nights but definitely less than the normal healthy amount. Just now she told me that she told me that she slept some but that she did wake up for a long time in the middle of the night....it seems inaccurate because I woke up to check on her regularly and this woman was passed out. I don't know what to think...
So now I have made her breakfast and laid out her meds I am waiting for her to eat.
I agree that we all have whine moments that are different and that differ as far as the degree of how old our parents are, what they are suffering from ,what out experiences are and what our knowledge and training is. I think that everyone's whine moment is just as valid as the next it being a small or a big thing.
Because we struggle regardless.
The lack of sleep is the biggest whine moment for me I think and I will probably continue to whine about that and of course with a drizzle of my moms antics.

My mother walked out to get the newspaper at 3:00 a.m., had her breakfast, including juice and coffee, then knocked on my door to tell me it was time to get up. It took 45 minutes to get her back into bed.

Today, she spilled water on a bedside table with a glass top. She didn't tell me until at least a few hours later because, she said, she cleaned it up. AND I found out only because she came to supper without socks or shoes on. When I asked where they were, she said "In the hamper". Me: Why? Her: Because Me: Why? Her: Because they were dirty. Me: Why were they dirty, you wore them half a day Her: They were wet; Me: Wet? Why were they wet? Her: the water spilled. I told you. Me: Um, no you didn't.

So, I got into the bedroom and sure enough, 'the water spilled' and it's under the clock, the light, in between the glass and the wood, and the list goes on. My supper is getting cold, she's in there eating her supper.

I give up. I can't do this anymore!

Oh, one more thing. Her: I can't seem to get (fill in the blank) Dancing With the Stars. Always, always when I'm watching my own show, she wants me to find hers, which is just on a simple simple network channel.

Meanwhile, I get a call from the doctor telling me my mammogram showed something, so I need an ultrasound now. But my mom is me, me, me, me.

I'm tired! I vow to never do this to my children! Never.

My whine for the moment, some writers who feel that we should give advice on these forums only if we had lived through that very same situation. I don't agree, I think everyone should be able to write what they think or give ideas.... sometimes it takes an outsider to see the forest for the trees.

Otherwise, using that theory of personal experience only.... then school teachers shouldn't teach unless they have had children of that age group.... that Pediatricians should be children's doctors unless they have had children themselves... nor should we comment about World War I and II unless we fought on the front lines ourselves.

My parents don't have dementia/Alzheimer's yet, but I have learned so much on these forums about said illness, it's like I was studying for finals on the subject. My boss's wife had Alzheimer's for many years, and he would daily tell me everything that was happens, sometimes too-much-information such as diapers, but I listened and learned. I heard everything about his paid Caregivers, about how his wife's children wouldn't come to help, etc... I didn't have to physically live in that household to understand what he was going through... I was his sounding board.

Ok, that's my 2-cents :P

oj1977, I was up most of the night, too, but for me it was just worrying over my parents [who still live on their own]... I was so zoned out I had to call my boss and take the day off.... even if I get a full nights sleep tonight, I will still be dragging. I bet my parents have a full night sleep every night as I never hear them complain :P

I was going to take my mom some pizza, so called in the order. Went to pick it up and they had given it to the previous customer. :( Then I went to mom's place and her lift chair isn't working. I was spitting nails. ARRRRRGH. Some days are just a pain in the *ss. So now I'm going to get some 9 volt batteries for my mom's chair and will go back over to see if that fixes it. If it doesn't I may do an Incredible Hulk and pitch the chair out the window!!

SusanA43
We are in a situation where my mom can get better if she puts in the work. She needs to get up and take walks amd get some sort of movement in her daily routine. So as for now I am going to try to be optimistic and think and hope that things are going to gey better if not i am going to have to quit my job and work for her.... (i do not want to go that)
~The optimist

OJ - if your mother requires your assistance as a caregiver, her ability to do things for herself (or remember to do them) may be very limited, and you can't expect it to get better. It won't. Unfortunately, the aging process doesn't work that way.

It's good to be busy, isn't it Cap? If you love your work, busy is not a problem at all. :-) I've been a busy bee putting in proposals for potential new clients and one of them came to fruition just about an hour ago. Gotta love it when a plan comes together....

I need to pick up some side projects here and there to make up for all the work I've done on the house this year - my money tree is just about dead.

i , again dont have much to fuss about today . cut wood all day and just as the stacked up logs are all cut and split into firewood , the stonework is a full go . i should be as busy as i want to be for the next 2 years . aside from the elaborate home thats being built i will have several months of landscape and outdoor living area stonework to do . im going to work that crazy assed ex hospice girl again for a while . ( heather ) . shes very meticulous with verbal instructions and thats really all i could ask for .