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PAMZ-FMLA would cover it if my daughter were a minor. I wish I could calling sick but I live in Calif. I also wish my Dr could put me out on some type of leave but he wouldn't even if I asked. The company is being very thrifty...they could get someone from another store..my store just don't want to push for it.
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Debralee, I like your avatar. I saw it and the first thought that popped into my head: "Stairway to Heaven."

Sharyn, any possibility of finding several someones to cover for you? Anyone who is making part-time hours and would just love to work full time hours - but No Overtime. See first if your work will approve this, though. I can't think of any other options. If you took leave without pay, you might come back without a job. So, that's out.
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Kaz...about your swelling - if you can, wherever you are (u home yet?) get a diuretic - 'scrip I hv is Lasix. Also, lemon juice in like a half cup of water or straight (if you can do it) is a natural diuretic. Keep your feet elevated. Hope this helps (my ankles swell a lot).
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CM can you put some kind of cover or blanket over Mum's chair and one of the waterproof bed pads underneath
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Hope it is all about respect. Respect for Mama and for you. The idea of haveing hospice is that it puts the patient in charge. if there is something the patient does or does not want to do .eat, smoke, take medications, get up stay in bed they make the decision. Well Mama can no longer say what she wants so you are there to do it for her. because that aide has been doing this job for thirty years does not mean she has been doing it well or finding new and better ways to do things. So get in touch with Mama's RN or SW and tell them you think that Mama is too much for this particular aide to manage as she seems to have a lot of difficulty lifting so could they send someone else who is stronger. You would hate this aide to get hurt on the job after so many years of service. sending an aide in is to help you and that means you can run out to the store etc while she is there, that is expected. At the very end yes you may need to cut down the back of clothing or use a gown to avoid as much discomfort as possible but if you can get AMasm'as pretty gowns on alone so can they and it makes you much more comfortable to see her looking pretty.It is so good for you emotionally. Your love for Mama comes through so strongly in everything you post, she must be a wonderful person.
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JeanetteB so sorry about your son and loss of your dad. Reading what you have gone through for 3 years, makes my whine moment so trivial. Thanks for giving me a wake up call that people are going through a lot worse than I am. Now only if I could tape my sisters mouth! LOL
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I agree Debralee, never again shall I tackle such a task. This is my 3rd round and I just cannot ever think of doing it again. First was my son. He had a horrific motorcycle accident, induced coma for weeks, shattered femur's , knee, crushed fingers, head trauma, decapitated thumb and on and on.... it took me an entire year of convalescing him to a point I could come here and help my poor father who was dying of cancer (he was my AD mother's first care taker) he passed 6 months after I arrived, now... it's mom. All this madness in a span of 3 years has left me weary of everything.... that and the garage door fell yesterday, barely missed my SUV but is un-repairable so I need a new one. If my mother didn't blame me for everything she's going through it wouldn't be so bad (HAHA)....
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Dealing with my deceased mother's estate, a probate court system that makes administering an estate a nightmare even with a will and a lawyer to help me and a sister who knows everything about nothing questioning every decision I make as I tackle this thankless job. Never again!!!
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^^^^^ Oh my gosh, I must be really tired, I thought I have proofread my post above a couple of times....

"She and Dad would get in the car 2 or 3 times a day and hit a couple of different grocery stores and buy a couple of items at each one.
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pamzimmrrt, interesting idea but it wouldn't work as the receipt would be from the on-line service, and my parents go over it with a fine tooth comb and a magnifying glass.

Looloo and ba8alou, I think my Mom is spoiled when it comes to grocery shopping. She and Dad would get in the 2 or 3 times a day and hit a couple of different grocery stores and pay a couple of items at each one. Dad assumes that since I am female that I must love to shop.... NOT !!!!

One time my parents said they wouldn't know what to do if I couldn't drive them.... I said "well, you'll have to hire a taxi, that is what I will have to do since I no son or daughter to drive me" [I never had any children]. Oh well, that went in one ear and out the other.... [sigh]
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There are some days I am just too tired to even complain. Some days I don't think I can do this any more. Just hope and pray that she stays asleep for a few hours at a time.
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Sharynmarie, do you have FMLA for you or your parents? This is just awful. I work for a place that once refused to grant leave for a guy to go to his son's wedding! Needless to say.. he got quite ill that day.. LOL
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Fred, have the online service deliver the groceries to your house.. put them in the dang store bags and drop them off. Maybe a bit of work for you, but You will be the good son and still save some of your sanity
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Captain I do agree with you about stuff in general. But what I hate is how, now she's old, it's like she's not allowed to have nice stuff, or care what she looks like. Why are all the adjustable tables ugly or badly made or both? Why does my SIL think she suddenly likes marked down polyester blouses? Why does the NH serve plastic Cheddar that tastes of nothing? I can't get rid of the feeling that they're all, to one extent or another, thinking that it doesn't matter any more because she'll be dead soon anyway.

Honourable exception: the local salon takes as much trouble over her hair and nails as they do over their younger, much bigger spenders. And since she can't ride pillion or go on safari any more, these things matter.
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What Looloo said. They made their choice. Right now the choice is, you order online or they find someone else who will do their shopping for them. And then leave. It's the only way to keep your sanity, dear.
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Frequentflyer, if you were to say "This is it, Mom. Groceries are coming to you this way, from now on. End of discussion." And if she says one syllable, you say, "I'm leaving now." And leave. Would that work?
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My whine for today.... I use on-line grocery for my own grocery shopping and I think it is great, what a time saver.... but my Mom doesn't like the fresh produce she gets from the same on-line service. The eggs were cracked [I checked them prior to giving her the eggs, none were cracked]. Bananas tasted funny. Potatoes were too small. The expiration date was too short. Yada, yada, yada.

My Mom is doing that to get me back inside the grocery store to shop for her and Dad.... I don't want to do it.... I hate shopping with a passion.... I love the on-line service, all my groceries had been excellent quality. Weird that the service sends my Mom all this bad stuff... guess they see her name on the order and send her just junk :P

Today I left their house in tears, I was just so overwhelmed with this grocery stuff. I even said "tell me what you want me to do, as I just don't have the time to go inside shopping.... tell me, what to do." They couldn't answer me. Of course, Dad will say he will start driving again which sets me off even more.

I did say, "Dad if you and Mom were living at the retirement village, you could go grocery shopping yourselves every single day."

It would be different if I was retired, but I still have my career which I keep for my sanity, but I am a senior citizen myself.... I am tired, too.
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I'm sorry, Sharynmarie. That's awful.
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My whine is...my employer is denying my vacation request so I cant go to Idaho when my first grandsons are born to help my daughter with twins.....
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3pm witching hour? Try Noon for me! Lol .... The alcohol starts around Noon, and by late afternoon I am being yelled at and berated for being an awful daughter. Yes Mom, I take care of you and Dad daily, but of course it's my fault if the meds I so carefully put in the weekly trays gets messed up, it's never you! I'm just a selfish, stupid ingrate. I feel so warm and fuzzy! NOT!
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Ankles are gone down a bit! went for a walk and seemed to bring them down a bit! Have got to get fit thats my goal now as im only 47 and am getting some strange things lately i know its all to do with stress looking after mum so i will take out my yoga dvd and dust it!
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I get all mums pjs in "penneys" its a very cheap store here! i gave up buying her expensive nightwear along time ago! at xmas i got her 10 pairs for 5 dollars each for nothing as who cares if they are thrown out in a few weeks just buy her more! she changes her pjs 3 times a day?????/ she never gets dressed unless we go into town so how come there is so much washing?????? she always seems to have a huge pile of clothes to wash even though she never gets dressed???? maybe shes out all night dancing while im asleep?
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No,m you're right captain, and it does make me stop and think about how the gowns are a non issue... I know that Mama is not going to be here forever and part of what I miss the most is that Mama and I don't get to have the same back and forth chats we used to have, we talked about everything...she was and is my best friend. the best moments are when all the "helpers" have come in, gotten their stuff done and then it is Mama and me again, in the quiet and just for a moment we can pretend it is like it used to be...but only for a moment. Life is so cruel. Mama was always just a hard working woman, always helping everyone, always so involved in life...so many of the "others" now who are still out there doing and going and dropping in and out were the "glommers on"...those who sit on their butts and let you wait on them hand and foot...wouldn't hardly hit a lick at a stick because they were / are lazy, self absorbed...and of all of those people...of ALL of them, this wretched disease has randomly chosen my Mama to inflict it's cruelty...it's not fair...it just seems so wrong that this disease would latch onto one of the hardest working, most caring women who ever lived while all those selfish, self serving money grubbing folks just yahoo and hoo ha around and pop in to say...oh how pitiful....no my Mama is not pitiful..you hooligans are the pitiful ones because you will never have a clue what any of this is like or ever come close to being the kind of woman my Mama is...IS........Captain, I love your comment..."be careful what you ask an honest person"...LOVE IT..going to keep that one and use it a LOT
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i sure didnt mean to demean anyones caregiving nightmares . if it werent for a half pint of everclear once or twice a week my head would have exploded at times -- trying to reason with insanity . its near impossible but its still a season of our lives that we can be proud of and teach good lessons to siblings and our own kids at the same time .. if your parents chose you as poa 30 yrs ago , there was a reason .. they created you , they know your capabilities .
i still know that cubic zerconium would awkwardly be there for me and bluntman would carry me across a thousand miles of burning sand . i keep a foot in their asses cause i love them ..
favorite question of a phsyc doc -- " hows your relationship with your sons " . my , did one get lit up one day over that annoying question . " im a hardass , d*ckhead, what do you think my relationship is " ?
we talk about the weather and stuff now . we dont go " there " anymore .
careful whatcha ask an honest person , doc bill ..
good luck to everyone . its a hard road ..
the fellow i mentioned the other night -- lennie -- was previously caring for two long divorced parents in his home . they all had a common reality , the past had to be put in its rightful receptacle ..
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rambling out loud, but I think part of what is troubling to me in all of this is the way it feels like an assembly line almost...a never ending stream of folks in and out...and while I love our new Hospice provider...very much....the bath issue of all things caused a huge amount of mess and drama that didn't have to happen. The caring for Mama's medical needs and comfort is what matters, the keeping her comfortable and happy is what matters, so if that means I have to do a little more then I will do it.
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Sorry you don't feel well tex...It's hard enough when you feel ok...I can't say well, because if you do this for long I don't know if anyone feels well or great. I think sometimes the emotional part of this makes the physical issues feel even worse. Maybe just not being able to get out more makes one concentrate more on every little ache and pain....honestly I can't imagine recovering from neck surgery and doing this....that makes ME hurt to think of it...hope you feel better soon...I hate to toss something like that out there as it almost sounds like I am being trivial...truly I don't mean to...do please take care of yourself...hugs to you....
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Captain, while I do totally agree with you re the non need for focus on material things..absolutely I agree, that isn't the main issue here for me....I, of all people, do NOT put the import on material things like a lot of folks do, but this particular person arrived late, was plenty perky til she saw the magnatude of what she was taking on and then began complaining a great deal about how heavy Mama was, what dead weight she was, etc etc in FRONT OF HER. I have taken care of Mama over two years before we got any assistance from anyone. Mama is not a big woman, she is just a very frail and helpless woman. It was aggravating to me to hear the lady start talking about needed a lot of other helpers to come in to turn her...the other one we did have was a much smaller, young girl and she had no problem turning Mom, ONCE and doing everything she needed to do, this one turned her so many times it was painful to Mama...and during all the turning that part had nothing to do with her gowns, just the way this particular one did her thing...she had been doing this for over thirty years she said, and I'm sure she is fine , just don't think going to be a good fit for us. The only thing that matters to me is Mama's safety and comfort..and happiness. It takes me longer to bathe her, but when I do I sing to her, laugh with her, talk to her and it is almost an enjoyable experience for her...so I am thinking I may just take a break just for a bit on the bathing and see if I can do that part myself...It's not about the gowns...it's about respect for my Mama.
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Just read Cap;s post,now I really feel like a whiner. Just venting. Postop day #17 after my neck surgery, doing PT but it is rough, I have to get better, my mother is moving around better than me, just feeling sorry for myself this am and I hate feeling that way.Just start to get overwhelmed because so much depends on me being up and around here.I hate having to deal with my mother's business, the constant doctor appointments, she will find something that she thinks she needs to see the MD now, I just start saying you want to go to the the ER, she turns me down because she knows they won't admit her just for pain, she is on180mg morphine a day. Just got turned down by my insurance for a PET scan because I haven't had an abnormal stress test, I guess the reasoning is if I drop dead on the treadmill they won't had to do the test.
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just read the last couple pages of posts . i think i see people struggling with the constant and terminal decline of aging / dying elders . resisting damage to pretty gowns or nice socks just aint the way its going to go down . i think all material things become a non issue in relation to the comfort and well being of the patient . we all have an afinity for comforting material things but my aunt just entered NH , never to leave there and a stuffed animal , a pic of her late husband , and a couple pair of pants is the extent of her earthly possessions .
your elders are going to be gone forever soon . just try to be kind to them , its all they have left .
gosh , it was at this time a year ago that i brought home the morphine and ativan liquids for mom . terminal agitation had set in . i remember the skeptical but trusting look she gave me as i gave her the first doses under her tongue . good night , mom . you cant live like this and shouldnt have to anymore ..
life has promise , gain , satisfaction , then it has loss , heartache , pain , death .
im looking back this morning . its all been seasons .
im going to see my aunt -- while i still can ..
there are no do overs , let mom dump tea down her leg . its her leg and her tea . the rest is just stuff . its all going into a dumpster ..
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I'm with you on the pretty night gowns, Hope - I had a similar experience with an OT telling me to cut the seams on mother's cashmere bed socks. Didn't argue with her, just thought "I. Don't. Think. So." Would it be worth getting her some easier to handle pyjamas for bathing days?

My whine moment today is about battles. You're not supposed to treat them like children. You're not supposed to think they are morons. So what are you supposed to do when they behave like moronic children? Yes, it's the classic petty nonsense: mother persists in holding her tea cup on her knee, instead of keeping it on her overchair table. Then she nods off, then the cup tips, then… so far no scalds (more by luck than judgement) but at this rate her very expensive riser recliner chair won't be with us for long. Plus I am getting extremely tired of washing cushions and scrubbing upholstery. So what are you supposed to do? Stand over them? Not allow them to have unsupervised drinks? Superglue the cup to the table and give her a straw?

So I go in and she's faffing about in sodden clothes dabbing tissues at the chair and then there's a heap of b.s. about how she 'missed' the edge of the table (no she didn't - the table was on the opposite side from the spill) - and, seriously, what are you supposed to say? Trill a light laugh and say oh dearie me not to worry? No good crying over spilt tea? Bollocks. I'm so sick of it.
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