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crying...couldn't have said it better myself...today has been one of "those" days.....the ultimate cruel roller coaster for sure
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These stories help me so much as I am full time care of Mom no relatives no help. Hospice started and that helps a lot. Will be with my mom till the end, no more hospitals. I love her so very much and it is so hard for me seeing her like this.

yup got the guilts,the tears, the hopefuls then the not hopefuls, emotional roller coaster is an understatement..Thank you all for sharing.

Linda
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Keep in mind, this is just a "whine" topic. It is hard dealing with this, but, it's not any harder than what others are dealing with. I am happy y'all understand and not judge. Not berating or being mean.. just saying...wow....I try so hard and she is a PISS ANT!

Mom told the Neurologist off today... why? Well, when we left I said "she's a feisty old lady ain't she"? The doc laughed.......... OMG You are taking up for HER and not listening to me!!! Sigh....

Lots of love to all of us dealing with this... it is not easy.

She is now full of love and does not remember being a nasty cranky old feisty b*tch

double sigh
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Will she ever stop asking
Do I have my purse?
Did I forget something? Always thinking about the purse
Where is my purse?
Arrgghhh
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Wow I feel for you must be hard dealing with all that extra stress on top of everything maybe with your cell phone record all the questions she needs to ask the Doctor before you go then just play them so they can be answered as for her accusing you of beating her that must be tough to go through and getting up at night with bizarre thoughts, I can't imagine. Maybe record her when she comes up with these outrageous delusions. Lots of love your way god bless you for being such a tenderhearted person.
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I haven't whined in quite awhile. I think I am due...

Mom has been declining at an alarming pace? Either that or I've been really blind.... the hallucinations started a few weeks ago. Up all hours of the night wandering the house thinking there is people in there trying to kill her.... running telling the police men ( they know she's got AZ) that I beat her... oh man...

Today she had her Neurologist appt. GOOD GOD you'd thought I was committing her!... no Ma, just a check up to make sure the patch is doing its thing. Nope, she sat there, arms folded, eyes in death slits... told the Neurologist I was just trying to get her committed and I was lying about everything. The Dr just smiled and told her that I was just trying to keep her safe. Prescribed her Seroquel ... sigh. It would be easier to have a private consult with the doc vs. describing all that goes on in front of her. SHE FORGETS!! 20 minute drive to docs, 40 questions about where we are going. 40 answers all the same. YET, I never told her.
I took her to the little mall afterwards so we could walk around and window shop and have a nice lunch. NOPE! She wouldn't get out of the car.... after much persuasion she managed to get out...but then walked ten feet behind me. Every time I stopped, she stopped and glared. If I came close to her, she'd make that hissing noise. really? She hasn't spoke to me all day (whew)

So... my whine is; why do I get so mistreated for doing my best for her and my brothers get all the Disney Dad Glory?

Mom IS going to daycare 3 times a week.... after the seroquel kicks in.

Bedtime yet?
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My mother is obsessed lately with how long it takes to get somewhere. They truly are like kids. She will ask "are we there yet? " We were going a mile away from home to the store. "It takes a long time to get to dialysis! " (It takes 15 or 20 minutes depending on traffic)

I can't have her go to the store with me anymore. Why you may ask? She will put 12 cans of tuna, 6 boxes of oatmeal, 4 boxes of denture cream, and 4 boxes of wine and then she will put that all back. She will forget all that and start over again. I can't do my own shopping because I have to supervise. It took us almost 2 hours to grocery shop for 6 items one day. The repeating stuff still is making me nutty.
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Maybe put alarms under the carpet that will scare HER
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The silent creeping drives me out of my mind...my mother barely lifts her feet when she walks and we have carpet everywhere...when I am on the couch with my iPad and she comes up to me yelling my name I get startled ..it's worse when I fall asleep and she does this...then I'm scared out of my mind as she is so noiseless..even my dogs can't hear her coming and they bark like crazy when they finally notice her...when you can spook a dog...wow
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Thats what I thought too but the podiatrist cut mine really short and they do last. They may get a little raggy and just need tidying up. In case you haven't noticed everything slows down with age!!!!!!!!!!!!
When she's sleeping she might be uncomfortable so try a very small pillow under her knees or each leg on a soft pillow. She might have "restless legs" which is very annoying for the sufferer. It does not usually happen all the time but it gives you a strong desire to constantly move the legs. They take on a life of their own.
Ask her Dr about that. Sorry I can't help with the snoring or farting. lying on the side would help with snoring if she'd do that.
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Thanks, Veronica - I'll check into that. 12 weeks is a little long for her to go without her toenails cut, though. I mean, I cut mine once a week...so....
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Susan if mom is mobile Medicare will pay for a podiatrist visit every 12 weeks. if you can bear to touch the feet and legs give them a good going over with lotion every day which might reduce the sandpaper sound.
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Olmaandme - your post about the toilet paper tail sent me into a giggling fit!

My whine moment today is about my own intolerances or "ew" issues that I just can't tolerate, but have to, because I'm the only one caring for mom.

I have a serious issue touching other people's feet. Not little baby "I'm gonna num num num kiss kiss kiss those itty bitty piggies" feet. We're talking about adult feet - specifically MOM'S feet. Cutting her nails, putting her socks & shoes on, etc - it's enough to send me into a shuddering fit, and I have to wash my hands when I'm done, because her feet just gross me out. I know it's a little nuts, but I just can't deal with them.

Today, it's Mom's cricket-like habit of rubbing her feet and legs together when she's laying down and the sound of her feet/legs rubbing together that's getting to me. It's like nails on a chalkboard to me. I know when she hasn't taken her pills, because her legs are so restless that she can't lay still - which was the case today. She laid down before taking the pills, and I think she was trying to play a symphony on her feet/legs.

I work from home, and Mom refuses to sleep anywhere but the living room, which is where my desk is. If I try to work from another room, she gets upset and says she's lonely. I'm seriously considering moving my desk into the kitchen, at least, so I can have some semblance of a professional working environment -one without someone snoring, farting, and rubbing her legs together while I'm trying to work....(sigh).

The challenges we face...I tell ya.....
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Actually I'm in very good shape though it's nice to have a sympathetic ear.
My sense of humor is a bit twisted but it has saved me from the demons that torture others.
The one thing that does bother me though is the lack of support for caregivers.For instance, an elderly person living with family is unable (in my state) to take advantage of home health care services.In order to have help with bathing or other they must be bedridden or living on their own.
If the elderly person is reasonably good health they will not be admitted to hospital even if they have the flu. (my mom is 94 and doc said he could not "justify" admitting her under the current law.
As she suffers from dementia and my hubby and I are in our 60's we were advised to look into placement for her.Her income is very low(factory worker all her life) no assets, but decent insurance.What is open to her are shared room accommodations in a setting that caters to a population with all disabilities.
I've worked in these settings and it's less than ideal (to say nothing of understaffing).
Many caregivers are struck.There is no way out.There is no cavalry coming to share the burden.Our parents and grandparents are forced to move in with us at a time of life when most are struggling with their own health issues, financial problems or lack of training available only through books or coarses that few can afford.
Most are physically and mentally unprepared for what they are facing.The worse of which is facing your own mortality.Seeing every day what you might become or face in the not so distant future. A truly frightening thought for a youth driven society.
Aging Care is one of the few sites that offers practical hands on experience advice and support.It's a least a place to feel you belong when all desert you.
Thank you all for being here for me, for us and for those that follow us.
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Oh dear your having a rough time never mind the noisy neighbors but maybe let them know whats going on and if they are really concern ask them would shay like to help? Next time they come over or look at you. I laugh at silly sad situations also it's normal when we are under lots of stress and just dealing with this kind of situation. Hang in there maybe get some extra help and have a nurse come in so she can see whats going on before a noisy neighbor comes over again.
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Ok as it looks as if I won't get to bed tonight I thought I'd share a little "whine" with you all.Mother has sciatica.She's overly sensitive to "anticipated" pain even when then is none.Now she really has pain, has a terrible time getting in and out bed ( which she absolutely insists on doing) but when I try to help her she screams like a banshee before I even touch her. I'm sure the neighbors think I'm torturing her. They've asked about her more frequently, have taken to "looking in" on her and look at me funny. Part of this problem lies with me.I'm so exhausted all the time I laugh at inappropriate times. For instance: Mom also screams when she notices us. We can be talking with/at her and she drifts into neverland, turns and see's us then lets out a blood curdling scream. Lately it sends me into fits of laughter.
Soooo..the neighbors hear screams then maniacal laughter.
In addition to this Mother keeps her room dark. As soon as I open the curtains, she closes them. All winter she has lived like a bat. She's fair skinned anyway and now extremely pale from lack of sun. Lately, she has decided to sit with our dog on the porch. Great!! I thought... but....she goes into her own world, doesn't move for an hour and looks dead. It suddenly occurred to me that my neighbors may think I've done the old girl in and prop her up from time to time in order to collect her check(again maniacal laughter).
Last whine: Mother thinks she can still clean herself after toileting.Sometimes her efforts are good, other times not so much.A few days ago the stink that followed her drove my dog into the "I didn't do it" position.When I mentioned it to mom she became very indignant and despite the fact that my hubby was within a few feet of her,she dropped her pants and protective underwear to prove she was clean.Again I laughed.I couldn't stop, it made the situation worse.
When she dropped her drawers not only was she covered with poop skids but bits of toilet paper from crack to thighs..AND...she had a long piece of toilet paper hanging from her bottom like a tail. It wasn't funny but I couldn't stop laughing.Hubby running from the room didn't help either. Then to prove she had problems she made me show her in a mirror. It was hand mirror and not easily positioned to give her a look. As she moved the paper tail swayed from side to side. I am sure I'm going to h*ll for falling back onto her bed laughing uncontrollably. Sometimes I think of these episodes in bed before passing out and start giggling. My hubby looks at me funny too lately. Maybe I'm just paranoid or losing it completely? Maybe I lost my mind and didn't know it?
It can happen. It happened to poor old mother didn't it? Oh well, nite, nite fellow
inmates.
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Today's whine... hang on cuz I am TIRED

So....Mom's birthday is tomorrow which is also Mother's Day. I've been putting together this semi big deal as this is probably the last she'll recognize. Bought her a lovely outfit, did her hair, some make-up....she looks damn good for 79 BUT it's been non-stop complain complain complain about everything....I'm so tired right now I don't even want to go out....but I've 16 other people who have been great...wait, make that 12 other people as my siblings and their spouses don't count!! Grrr!!

Now she's threatening to stay home because she doesn't like all the wrinkles on her face. Sigh.... I cannot fix that, but I damn sure when all is said and done gonna try and fix all the wrinkles she's giving me!!!

Please please please mom, just go and have FUN and stop complaining already
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Hang in there, Overwhelm. Everyone tells me that it does no good to preach or disagree with our loved ones. They really need our professions of love and agreement, etc. It's very hard and trying - but we can do it!! Don't give up trying...
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Wish we could all have a multiple phone conversation not feeling to good.
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My moment is that I have multiple discussions a day with my mother about missing items. She misplaces them or didn't have an item in the first place. I know she thinks I"M doing something with them. I have to hide my stuff so it doesn't get moved. Also, having her repeat things 6 to 8 times in a row drives me bonkers.
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So true, Jeanette - your theory, Hubby even seems to enjoy my washing his butt several times a day when the gut is overflowing. It almost seems like he is doing it on purpose, sometimes... Nah, can't be. Can it? (No, that is not a new question!)
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Very well said Veronica. I felt a "pang" when I read they both broke down and cried. As sad as it all is, that might have made me feel love vs entitlement.

Also the parent/child reversal role. I AM the parent here. My brothers are "Disney Dad's". I'm no fun. She just came home from a 1 night 2 day stay with one of my brothers. She's been up since 4:00 asking if I'm awake already. Fussing... I guess I don't move fast enough nor entertain her as much as "Disney Dad". She's been mumbling how she wished she'd stayed there and she want's to go back and stay with "what's his name". She hadn't seen him in a month so of course he's more fun than I am. Oh, he bought her one of those giant hanging baskets as an early Mother's Day present ( I told him what she wanted).... he hung it at his house so she can see it there.... uhm, it will be dead by the next time she visits him. Really?

So....barely after 10:00 A.M. and already whoooooooooosh.... I'm the enemy already. Maybe I need to try a different tactic, like, No Mom, you are going to leave the house, you are going to go run errands and have some d*mn fun with ME without the complaints. She does it for them she can do it for me. Sigh...

Jessie, my theory ---they are at their happiest being the center of attention and the more you sacrifice the better they feel because they actually feel pretty uncomfortable, miserable lost and alone. Just a theory, who knows.
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Back to whining -- I can't figure out why my mom's solution to problems around here require major sacrifice on my part so she won't have any discomfort at all.
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Most caregivers of elderly moms feel they have become the parent and must always be in that role. Sometimes as Overwhelm found out the old mom comes through and is there to comfort the caregiver who is still after all her daughter and needs her love.
So I hear many of you saying "Good luck with that my Mom has not cared about me my entire life" true I absolutely agree but there are moms out there who really care about their children. I don't think we see many on this site because they are not so drained and frustrated even if they too are tired. I hope the Dr was able to help you. Blessings
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Sorry you had such an awful day. It is NO fun when you get that tired...maybe the good cry you both shared will make tomorrow an easier day for all of you. As hard as it is to not argue and prove the obvious (you know what you did) she doesn't know...personally, I find it very hard to walk away or re-direct when mom get's that bug up her butt. For my sanity...I've been working on it though!! Good job getting the doc appt so quick...it's hard to find that fine balance and it seems the downward spiral vastly outweighs the upward :) Hang in there!
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So first thing this morning my Mom was looking for a piece of paper with the New Church address and e-mail so she can wright them a letter about women dressing proper last Saturday when she went some lady's dress was to revealing. lol She was saying who moved it!! Paper just doesn't disappear into thin air on and on so my Step-Dad said I didn't touch it I said Mom just keep looking you will find it I will help you in a sec because I was busy doing something anyways she was blaming us Indirectly and was really crabby I was like please if there is a God shut this women up seriously I couldn't take it didn't sleep all night feeling really depressed and guilty anxiety etc. Anyways she found it after getting myself and her husband on edge and I said Mom you know that was not nice how you were being crabby and kinda of blaming us like we moved it. She just said I was not doing that then she went on a complete denial and said lets end this conversation like always. So I was in the kitchen she came in and said sorry then I had a melt down seriously like I was a melted wax candle on the ground looking up with my wick barely standing and leaning to the right, then she start to cry and then there we were crying together she kept asking me to forgive her I said of course you always forgive me when I am crabby or loose my patience it's okay Mom so she went to go watch TV but after that I was having an a anxiety attack and felt like I was going to throw up and have a heart-attack at the same time so I phone my Doctor got in to see another one my Doc is away. Anyways having a rough time I just get really overwhelmed sometimes and down in the dumps.
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If I have to hear this story 1 more time!!!
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Wow, Lois, You and I are the same person! (Hee hee)! blou
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Aw, Jeanette....

You *need* a glass of wine for that whine! It sounds like you had such a rough day with Mom. Sounds like her dementia is getting worse...is she due for a doctor visit soon to discuss that, or can you make one?

I hope you can do something fun with her on Sunday. I'm taking Mom out for our normal Sunday breakfast, then coming home to work for a bit, then maybe taking her for a ride or something...maybe to one of the big lakes, since she loves them so much.
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Welcome Braziliansun!! Are you from Brazil? Someplace nice, sunny with beautiful beaches?? sigh

Early wine...wait, whine today. Rough morning already...she started at 5:00 a.m. scared and lost, kept waking me up, kept reassuring her and walking the 10 steps back to her room. 5 times later I decided to just stay up. She's been off more than usual since.... following my every move, so much so I turned around abruptly and almost knocked her flat! Finally got her soaking in the tub... 3 days ago it was no problem, today she forgot how to sit down. Water is too hot, too cold.... it feels like my once finally productive day was shot down. Doesn't matter what I start doing there is something wrong so in order to keep her calm and my calm, I have to do basically nothing.

Her 79th birthday is May 11th which is also mother's day :)) I want to do something fun and nice for her. A friend suggested we do something here at this house....uh NO! It would be way to much work for me. When we celebrated her mom's birthday we all went out...mom had a couple of wines and danced with some elderly men. She had a blast! Not going to work myself cooking, cleaning and hostessing... I suggested we all go bowling, at least it would give the adults something to do while the others sat, chatted, ate, drank and be merry... I don't want to be unappreciative to my friend and her suggestion as she's the ONLY friend I have here.... but....she didn't like my bowling idea, said her 83 year old mom on 100 % oxygen would not find that fun.... she spent her birthday pulling on the slot machine and blew through 100.00 bucks. Sigh.

Wine over....gonna try this all over again
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