I'm tired of cooking/preparing 3 meals a day. It's just the two of us but boy oh boy can that woman eat!! She stays slimish, I get fattish. It's bad enough I do everything here much less start making her one thing and me the other. At times I feel guilty when I buy her fast food cuz of the nutritional value....not to mention I eat it too.
It’s going great. I’m already shedding those pounds.
@Way, Need
The Popples :)
Cabbage Patch dolls were ugly! LOL 😆
Remember Ty beanie babies? My kids loved those!
Yeah, they were very popular at one time! My niece took her Brat doll everywhere with her.
My absolute favorite was my sock monkey. Loved him! My oldest brother and I got into a fight and he threw it over my neighbor’s fence and their dog tore it up. I was furious with him for a long time for that!
My youngest daughter took her stuffed bunny to college with her! My mom had given it to her as a baby. She still has it!
My oldest had a Humpty Dumpty that is practically in shreds. I sewed Bunny and Humpty back together again several times. They were so well loved.
Humpty and Bunny were like the story, The Velveteen Rabbit. That was one of their favorite books!
LOL 😆, I hear you! Lots of people will join you in that diet!!!
LOL 😆 GI Joe was my Barbie’s boyfriend!
GI Joe was definitely more of a hunk than Ken doll . Lol. Can’t tell my hubby that , his name is Ken , 😂😂😂😂
My girls didn’t have any Brat dolls either but my niece was obsessed with hers! LOL 😆
My girls had the bitty baby, American Girls, Barbies and Madame A dolls. My youngest one took her Barbie dolls in the tub with her. The hair would become a mess and my mom would brush it out to make her pretty again! LOL 😂
My mom sewed fabulous clothes for my Barbie. I also had Skipper. I didn’t want Ken. I thought he was dorky because I was so intrigued by my brother’s GI Joe doll. He was so cool! 😆
I also had, Betsy Wetsy and Chatty Cathy. I had lots of dolls growing up. I loved the disappearing milk bottles!
I have a feeling that Burnt could come up with the best line of senior dolls! LOL 😂
Now, my youngest daughter absolutely hates dolls. She thinks they are creepy. Oh, she hates clowns too! I told her that she was a clown when she was 2 for Mardi Gras! Of course, she doesn’t remember it.
I don’t mean BRAT (bananas, rice, apple sauce, toast). 🤦♀️
I mean staying away from anyone who’s a BRAT.
I’m on a BRAT diet.
I thought they were obnoxious looking tramps . 😂. Plus the name brat bothered me. Why would you want your kid to look up to a brat ? Not the best role model . I wasn’t encouraging bad behavior . I thought the whole idea was stupid . She never asked for one anyway . She was a Barbie girl . She loved anything Barbie . One of her Barbie’s was Barbie for President . She had a navy blue suit with a pencil skirt and a shoulder length bob haircut .
Did your kids have Brat dolls? LOL 😆 My niece was obsessed with her Brat doll!
Burnt,
You could add a line of ‘senior’ Brat dolls to your business! I bet that you would use your mom as an example!
Please don’t get mad at me, moderators! It’s only a joke between Way, Burnt and myself. They both have a sense of humor to know that I mean no harm to anyone.
You're not crazy for being at the end of your rope. The feelings you're having are totally normal for anyone who lives with a senior brat.
Your father is a senior brat.
I have dealt with many senior brats and the family members caring for them after 25 years as an in-home caregiver.
There's some good news though.
You deal with a senior brat exactly the way you'd deal with a child one. Their behavior will have consequences.
Such consequences as if your father cannot treat you, your wife, and your home with respect he will living elsewhere.
You must also force him to do for himself wherever he's able to.
If he can put his walker in the backseat of the car himself he must.
So the next time you pick him up, don't get out of the car. Don't say anything. Don't engage with him, just stay in the car. At some point he'll get tired of standing there or it starts getting dark outside and he will put his walker in the car and get in himself.
If there are foods like the pastries that your wife does not want him to take, tell her to put her a note on the container with her name and the words 'DO NOT EAT'. If he takes it anyway, go right into his wallet (in front of him) and make him pay for it. If it happens again put a lock on the freezer.
As for the 'dirty looks' others who have absolutely no clue what's going on are giving you... Do what I've done for the last 25 years whenever people gave me the "looks" for not carrying the senior into the restaurant or store on a golden throne like an Egyptian pharoah. Or making them walk around the store with a walker for their own good, instead of pulling them in a rickshaw like so many think a caregiver should.
God gave us all two middle fingers. I use them both. That's how you handle the "dirty looks" from clueless others.
As for that grandbaby of yours, keep taking care of the baby. Your father is the one who's missing out on his great-grandchild and that's on him not you.
I really think you should look into assisted living for him. It's time for him to go.
When is it going to be your time? You want to watch your grandbaby, enjoy your home, and do things with your wife.
It's your time now. You've been a caregiver to an ingrate, senior brat for long enough.
Had the same thing on my side . We took care of both my parents . My Dad was ok , a bit stubborn but appreciative . My mother was terrible . And siblings mostly absent . I think the effects of this caregiver stuff is cumulative . Each one seems harder to deal with .
Cut yourself some slack , go out to a nice dinner with your wife and buy her flowers.
please place him when you or wife have had enough.
PS The bathroom extension could benefit you and your wife down the road . As well as having laundry on the first floor .
Let's see, in 3 years I cleaned out his house, and my SL and BL's properties when they died. So there was not much I brought here. Basically his living room and bedroom and his tools from his work. I lost about 9 months of productive work for my business running 7 states for a week at a time every month until I moved him in with us then moved my office to the basement so he could have a beautiful living room!
Yes, I am bitter.
Yes, I am going to enjoy my beautiful granddaughter as much as I can.
I watch his money, all he has is SSI. No other assets, and did not own a house when he moved in. He was careless with money as he is now. I learned from watching him with money, I am the opposite. Trying to build assets. Closing in on retirement for me but will still work in my business.
He has 2 life policies I made him buy (my business) and he still pays, so those go to me, not splitting them with the siblings, let's say that is rent for how many years? I am the beneficiary anyway.
No need for help in the house at this time. He has no LTC. The plan will be for him to go to a place out of state where they will take him and his SSI. It will be 3 squares and a cot. We did that with my BL for 10 years.
Trying to figure out how much to add a small extension onto the first floor for a bathroom. We have a 2 piece off the kitchen now and may take $40K to do what I want. Of course to benefit him but I have to pay.
I really don't want my home to be a NH, and My wife is not happy at all as of now, Our home is pretty much her dream home and she is not happy. She grew up in a city row home as a first-generation daughter of immigrants who came here with nothing, so she is very happy with what we have and is not happy but OK as we have helped her family.
Sorry to complain, others have to so much worse than I do. Just needed to vent.
.You are not nuts. You sound like most of us, having a normal reaction to the difficulties of dealing with a self centered elderly person.
If you want to babysit your grandchild , do so an enjoy her. Do not for one second think that you should have to give up spending time with the cute little bundle . Your grandchild deserves to have the experience of being loved by her grandparents .
As far as the dirty looks from people . Ignore them. These people have no clue.
If Dad is paying for other peoples meals for driving him . And he’s going out to eat every other day. Then he can give you some money each month towards , food , utilities. Tell him inflation has made it necessary for him to pay for his own meals , his share of utilities , gas that you use taking him out. I also hope he pays for his own clothes , toiletries and incontinent products if he uses them . Free rent is the most he should get . It should not cost you money to have him living with you , if possible . Charge him a flat rate to come out of his social security check to go to you each month .
Maybe you can hire some help for your dad with Dads money to come in for showers etc , whatever you would like to hand off . You may have choices with Dad . Get more help in . Or place him in AL if possible . Some states Medicaid will pay for assisted living . I’m assuming Dad gets a social security check , so if assisted living is not doable , at least use his social security to pay for an aide to come a few days a week for a few hours , and he pays you for food etc like I stated above.
This man has been taking advantage of you for years. He needs to pay his fare share . If he doesn’t like it he can figure out how to go live somewhere else. Tell him to go ask to live with one of his other children if he doesn’t like the conditions in your home . Yes , it’s your home .
If you and your wife think you are OK for the summer ok. But then come Fall when your wife returns to work , hire the aide with Dads money . But still make him pay food , gas, some contribution towards utilities now. If he refuses the aide you don’t take care of him, let the chips fall where they may . Let Dad figure out how to fend for himself. Call your local dept of aging , see if they can help reason with him to accept hired help . If needed if he ends up in the ER you tell them you can’t take care of him anymore and let the social worker figure out where to put him .
And btw , does your father have you as POA? Is his funeral prepaid. He needs to start being responsible and get his affairs in order, or you will be having more problems down the road .
I hear you!
As for the dirty looks, when it appears to others you're not helping, those are rude people - and I bet you, they have never taken care of their elderly parents (yet!).
I'm not good at it. But one must try to develop a thick skin in life. Try not to be affected by dirty looks, other people...I'd love to have a thick skin. (I wonder if I can order it online somewhere?)
As for the whole situation...Dad lives with you...He takes you for granted.
I hope you can hire caregivers, but so far you haven't and I guess it's because you don't want people in and out of your house. And some caregivers do steal.
Make the right decision for your life. Years from now, what would you wish you had done right now?
Dad is now using a walker to go out. It's that or he can't leave the house. His lodge said he has to use it or he can't go, so lo and behold he took to it. Uses a cane in the house, and a walker when he is unsteady. I have to take him to appointments and church etc. He gets rides to and from the lodge and back from church with his friend, afterward, he goes out for lunch. So he is quite mobile. He goes out for meals about every other day.
My complaint is when I take him, I wait at the trunk of the car for him to bring the walker to me and he gets in the car by himself, slowly but OK. When people pick him up or bring him back it's like he is a complete invalid, he waits for them to open and close the door, and they put the walker in the car. So whenever I go anywhere, I get the looks like I am the bad guy not doing everything for him. Trust me, the man can reach down to the bottom of the fridge or freezer and find a jelly we were hiding or a pastry that my wife might be saving for later and scarf it up. He can search out anything new in the house and have to use it before anyone else. When it is something he likes, he will get there fast.
My point of complaint is he tends to use people to his advantage. They drive him, he treats them to lunch or dinner and he gets what he wants, dinner and a ride. Never offers anything to the people who provide him shelter, food, internet, rides, etc.
It is the passive-aggressive things he does that get to me and he knows it. I am burnt out and get no help. I was able to get 3 weeks this summer after hard conversations with my sibling about caring for Dad so we can get one week at the lake.
Does anyone else have these issues or just me? Too many other things he does that make my BP go out of sight.
I now at my offer, take care of my brand new grandchild here at home 2 to 3 days a week since I work from home. My choice and glad to do it because I can. I guess Im a glutton for punishment. He has no interest in the child but for one comment a day, has not even gotten up close to her to see her, just walks by.
I like having the baby here as I can get work done while she naps. My life has become a schedule between my business, him, and the baby. My wife will be home for the summer so that will make things easy, We are happy to help as we waited a long time for this little bundle.
Am I nuts for doing all this? I have a choice with my grandchild, Dad I had no choice and no help.
Llama - I sleep when I can. Sometimes, even often, I will go back to sleep in the morning for a few hrs after several hours awake in the middle of the night Sometimes I have a long nap in the afternoon. So overall usually I get more that 5 hours total - closer to 7. When I read about biphasic sleep it seemed to fit and there can be benefits It may boost cognitive function and memory. Often I have my best hours of the day after a good nap in the afternoon. When I was working and couldn't nap it was awful!!!
DarkAngel - I really agree with what others have written. You can't change anyone but yourself. Your dad makes his own choices. He always had. You are not responsible for his choices - just your own. I know it is hard seeing a loved one make choices that affect their health negatively. And I wonder too why go through surgery if you are not willing to change your lifestyle.
Your life has gone downhill since you moved in with your parents to be everyone's caregiver. I gather it was better when you were working and it was just you and your hub. Maybe it is time to revise your plan and go back to living separately, and having a job outside your home. You can still help your folks get help for themselves. Your local Agency for Aging can give you an idea of what's available for them. With your dad's health problems and your mum with dementia it sounds like placement in a facility would be good for all of you. Caregivers have to look after themselves. Put the oxygen on you first!!!
Sounds to me like your parents need to be in assisted living if that is an affordable option. Some states Medicaid will pay for it. Or sell their house and use the money from the sale. Do not use your own money .
You should get your job back so you can pay rent or mortgage and move out with your husband to your own previous or a different home .
If your parents can not take care of themselves they need more care than you can provide . You don’t say how bad Moms dementia is , not sure if she would need memory care instead of assisted living . If your Dad can take care of himself and is just lazy , that’s not your problem and you don’t have to be his maid . You can do shopping , drop off food . Have meds and even food delivered , and other things delivered . Online shopping is great . Hire some one to clean . Maybe Dad move to a smaller apartment , mom go into assisted living or memory care . Or they both go to assisted living that also has memory care if mom needs that .
It sounds like placing both of them may be best . When Dad goes in the hospital , tell them you can’t take care of him anymore . Call your local department of aging to help get your mother placed.
You should not give up your life . Take it from someone who made that mistake and still has an anxiety disorder even after my parents are gone .
What prompted you to give up your job and move in with your parents?
Are you and your husband able to save adequately for YOUR eventual retirement and pay your bills? Did you view moving in with your parents as a way of saving money?
I don't think it's possible to care more about someone's health than they do. If dad is unconcerned about the impact his poor eating habits and lack of exercise, should you be? Is perhaps his enjoyment of HIS life (i.e. quality) more important than extending his life?
What are their finances like? Have you visited an Elder Law attorney and looked into Medicaid?
Has an alternate plan (help coming in, or moving to an easier to maintain apartment) been considered?
It doesn't sound like the current plan is working for you.
I SWEAR I swept/washed/wiped down etc. this same spot/item yesterday!
Even with heart trouble and an impending surgery, Dad isn't too concerned with changing his lifestyle. Why even get the surgery if you won't fix what's broken...? I swear to god he is racing my mom. See who can go first. They started using depends 1 day apart....he uses like 12 a day. They are expensive.
My biggest fear is if he goes first, I am all alone caring for mom.
Whew!
golden: Thank you, too.
Need: Thank you, but the headache is from the sinus infection.
I can’t imagine what that is like for you. If my husband ever gets ALZ I don’t know if I could bear it.
Do you ever want to go somewhere and just scream? Why, oh why did this happen?? I think I would want to scream, ‘Why?’
My heart goes out to you.
During my wife's declining health, mental with AD and physical with a plethora of maladies, I have learned to be a superior sole caregiver... to her! But day to day chores of housekeeping, maintenance, laundry, shopping...I could go on and on, are wearing on me. Meals are one of the most challenging. She doesn't EVER know what she wants to eat or even what she WILL eat! But after I prepare it and she sees it and tastes it, she immediately tells me if she doesn't want or like it! She literally can't remember ever having eaten it before, and often she forgets how, to eat it. But I have finally become accustomed to it and I stay composed because I realize, more and more, she isn't doing it to be disagreeable, she just doesn't remember. New day every day. But what I am beginning to feel more and more every day, is a big emptiness where our marriage used to be. She has no emotions at all, except an occasional chuckle at something hilarious on TV. Every day she insists on going for a drive and I take her. She complains if the road is rough or if the car is too cool or sun is too bright in her eyes and I have learned to take the same route every day and her few comments are always the same. "I used to live there...I used to work there... I went to school there... in max 30 minutes she is tired and wants to go home. It is like living with a zombie. She knows me but has absolutely no feelings for or about me. Just resentment when I am out of her sight for a while. She is sullen for awhile then she can't remember why she was mad after a short bit and all is back to abnormal normal!