I'm tired of cooking/preparing 3 meals a day. It's just the two of us but boy oh boy can that woman eat!! She stays slimish, I get fattish. It's bad enough I do everything here much less start making her one thing and me the other. At times I feel guilty when I buy her fast food cuz of the nutritional value....not to mention I eat it too.
I am stepping back. This is outside of my locus of control and the actors are all adults.
My first and only piece of advice to my daughter was that she needed a lawyer and could be facing loss of custody of her child. She accused me of bullying and threatening her.
My only advice to my sil was to get himself to therapy.
Thanks again, let's get back to solving OTHER people's problems, lol!
You are now square in the middle of this and it's a huge mess.
You have a daughter living with and off of a husband and cheating (mentally at least) on him right in front of his face, worse involving her young child in this new relationship. That's reprehensible.
I think you you now should be operating in the best interests of this child in so far as you are able. I would be telling son in law (if he is a good person and a good dad) that I would in no way interfer with him getting sole custody. And in fact I think from just this on the face of it, that's what he should have.
I would refuse to discuss ANY of this ongoing other than to tell son in law that, and that you cannot be in the middle of this. I would then tell daughter that you are sorry she is doing this, that you expected more of her as a person, and that you are stepping away other than to be there for your grandson as much as you can be/as much as she will allow you to be.
Sorry. She's your girl. But I have one girl who quite honestly is not someone I can respect, and I have had to understand that and live with that and act accordingly, which means I have bowed out. I know EXACTLY how hard this can be, trust me. I will always love my children. But I would never "be there for them" if I could not respect their actions.
I feel for you, sister. I really do. With all respect to you and your family, it sounds like your daughter does not have her act together at all and should lose custody of her child at least temporarily.
She isn't even divorced yet and already has some guy she met in a Star Trek chatroom online. That's ridiculous.
Are you on speaking terms with your estranged SIL, the father of your grandchild?
If he's a decent guy, then I'd say it might be time to take him for a cup coffee and have a nice long talk.
You say your son-in-law supports the household. He has a right to know if there's another guy around his kid and chilling in the home he pays for.
As you know my second husband was married and before me and also had a child. He was a widower and the child was only two.
I was held to the highest scrutiny by his family and his late wife's that a person can be held to.
I completely understood why because there was a child and his father has sole custody because he was the only living parent. In a situation where there's a child any person the parent gets involved has to be held to the highest scrutiny if they're going to be in the child's life. They will be in the step-parent role at some point whether they want to or not. If they don't want to, then the best thing is to kick their a$$ to the curb because the child comes first.
You should most definitely meet your daughter's new boyfriend online if that's the only access you can get. Find out his name and some info about him then you can check him out yourself. You can get police backround checks and find out if he has a record or not. Your grandchild's father should meet him too. He has a right to know what kind of person is going to be around his kid.
If your daughter is going to be unreasonable and act like a reckless, little brat then you're going to have to work with her ex and the court to get custody of the child removed from her.
If she's already in a new relationship and isn't even divorced yet, that will not bode well for her in divorce court. Since your daughter doesn't support the household she will be counting on the court awarding her child support and probably alimony too.
Have a talk with your soon to be former son-in-law.
PS/ DO NOT share the texts with your daughter. Help your SIL to get custody of his child.
A mother knows her own child, Barb. If you have reason to think your daughter is an unfit mother and acting recklessly - you are right.
Work with your SIL. The only person who matters here is the child and their best interests.
He needs to stop talking to your family and talk to his lawyer
He said "I will need to get sole custody of x (my grandchild) but I will need family support. Work with me. Y and Z (older daughter and dil are on my side".
I tried to talk to older daughter about this, but we never got there.
Should I just sit on these texts? Share them with daughter whose husband this is?
He also mentions getting legal advice. I have tried, gently and not so gently to tell daughter she needs a lawyer, but she accuses ne of bullying her and playing mind games.
I tend to stay out of my daughters decisions about dating because I feel like they are old enough to decide things on their own.
In high school, we were responsible as parents to watch out for them. In college, they are miles away in another city. What can you do about anything then, other than pray!
I am glad that they are out of school and doing well on their own. I’m not pushing them into marriage and having a baby. I think it’s awful when parents do that to their children because they want grandchildren. I realize that this isn’t your situation. Your daughter is married and has a child which makes it more complicated.
One of my brothers is on wife number four! This marriage seems to be the one! LOL 😆 My children have numbered their aunts, #1, 2, 3 and 4! Ironically, they all get along well. I have even had all of them and all of the children (my nieces and nephews) at my house for holiday dinners.
It can be upsetting to think about who they will end up with. I think most times they will figure it out for themselves. People can be very deceptive and it’s unfortunate if they fall into a trap. I don’t see how we as parents can help them to avoid these circumstances.
Sure, we can talk to them about dangerous situations but they are going to do whatever they wish to do in the end. Live and learn. I suppose.
My daughters have dodged a few bullets! They all look great at first, don’t they?
I was relieved when the relationships ended. I am amazed at how far some guys go. When my daughters ended things, the guys called me to ask them to please go back to them! I said, “No way! They think and speak for themselves.”
One of the guys, had his mother call me and she asked for my daughter to go back to her son because he was suicidal due to her breaking up with him. Geeeeeez!
I told his mom that I was sorry about her son, but I was staying out of it. Not my business!
My daughter dodged two bullets because the mom was as crazy as the son.
He started watching her apartment. He would wait until she got home. He beat up guys that she was dating. It was awful.
He stalked her at work. He gave her a note at her job, saying that if she didn’t go back to him, he would kill himself and then kill her. He tried buying a gun at Academy and the guy who waited on him was a friend of my daughter and refused to sell him the gun.
She called his dad after she received the note. His dad is an homocide detective and tracked him through his cell phone. They took him to a mental hospital. My daughter ended up having to get a restraining order.
College sweethearts! Very intelligent young man! Just crazy!
Actually, I think that was a large part of the reason why she moved to Denver for a couple of years. She ended another relationship after that. He was a sweet guy. They were just moving in separate directions. He worked nights. She worked days. They never saw each other.
My other daughter is happy being single. They both are in no rush and they are both smart and won’t ever settle for a guy that isn’t right for them.
My girls are very social and have lots of friends. I’m glad about that.
Look at these crazy reality television shows! My youngest daughter was watching one and was teasing me saying that she was going to do the one where they don’t see the guys, then they agree to get married! LOL 😆 Dating can be wonderful or crazy!
Years ago, when my oldest daughter was 6 we took a vacation to New York. My brother had moved there after graduating from Tulane and we went to visit him. He’s in D.C. now.
Anyway, we were having a great time, we did everything and I was exhausted and started feeling kind of funky. Things started tasting weird. Smells were really getting to me and my brother said, “Why are you so grumpy and tired? It’s not like you at all!”
I came home from that trip. My friend Susan came over to visit me. She said. “Gee, you are crabby! I know what is wrong with you. You’re pregnant!” I told her that she was CRAZY!
She said, “Well, I know that you have been through hell and back trying to have a baby. I want you to have good prenatal care. So, go see your doctor.”
We adopted our first child. I couldn’t go through any more of the agony and stopped seeing my fertility doctor. The hormone treatments, the surgery for endometriosis, the in vitro fertilizations, it was an emotional roller coaster ride for years!
In NY, we went to Mass at St. Patrick’s Cathedral and I burned a candle for a baby. We were going to adopt another child and I had all of the paperwork and the check for the adoption agency ready to go but I was out of stamps so it didn’t get mailed before our trip.
After Susan left my house, I started throwing up horribly. My husband came home and I said to him, “Please go buy a pregnancy test. Susan said that I am pregnant.” He said, “Susan is CRAZY!” I said. “ Well. I’m throwing up so much so I can’t drive to the drugstore myself.”
He says to me, “Can’t it wait? I am in the middle of watching Star Trek!” I was livid and screamed at him to please go!
He went. I took the test. It wasn’t pink, it was bright red! LOL 😆 I screamed from the bathroom and my poor husband was in complete shock! So, was I!
I made an appointment immediately because I was at risk for an ectopic pregnancy so my doctor did an ultrasound. Everything was fine, I was three months pregnant! My husband was speechless. I was crying. He was crying. The nurse started crying. The office staff was crying. They knew my history.
I will never forget what my doctor said to me, “It’s moments like this, why I became a doctor.”
I had a horrible pregnancy. High risk and bedrest, emergency cesarean section, but we made it. So, I will always hold a very special place in my heart for St. Patrick’s Cathedral in NY.
That’s my best Star Trek story! 😊
Depressed, adverse health dx? not working.. + met someone online.. Umm WAIT..
Unhappy & someone listened is what comes to my mind. Maybe a girlfriend, councillor or other random stranger may have been enough for a kind listening post. Or maybe excitement was it? A little flash of intrigue, mystery man? A spark of excitement that broke through some depression.
Wowsers! To throw away a marriage & family life for a little flirt online that lifted the spirts?
Has there been a change in medication? Sounds almost euphoric?
I tried some pills once (for back pain) & literally sparkles shone off things & I liked every person I met more. I even bought an awful coloured yellow dress!! 😳
I would just tell her "You are an adult; I know you will keep you young child's best interests at the forfront and I will let you make your own decisions. There is utterly no reason for me to meet this dude until you two get married. I'll help with the arrangements (but not the cost, hee hee)."
I wouldn't get involved unless you see the 6 year old getting hurt
I remember hearing a rule that was one year for every seven before marrying a second time. I told DD1 that when she was talking about living with the first one. She sure got angry and told me she WAS NOT going to do that!
I made it clear I did not support that idea. They did break up finally.
Barb, you have a good "out" use it. You are not a friend, you are the mom.
Turn on Puppy Bowl and have some fun! There are even some kitties on.
Puppybowl.com/adopt
It was a bit of reverse psychology, and it worked. Daughter and new guy eventually broke up. Whew, glad they did, as it wasn't going to be a Brady Bunch household.
I agree with the others here, the marriage needs to be either fixed or everyone go their separate ways. I've seen cases where the new guy on the block is great until the girlfriend finalizes her divorce, then he quickly disappears.
Since Middle Daughter is also involving Eldest and my DIL (the most sensible, hard-headed person I know, aside from MY sister in law the MBA) I am thinking that may we three meet this guy on line. (I know, the 3 witches from Macbeth immediately spring to mind) and scope him out.
What do you think?
Oh my, I truly hope she isn't getting her young daughter involved with this sh!tshow. How awful to make her lie to her daddy. She would deserve losing her daughter if she has involved her.
Sorry you're facing such a difficult situation.
I think family involves others to have cohorts in there dirty dealings and to justify their actions by getting permission from anyone. That's what the support comment meant.
My life experience has taught me to tie up one relationship before getting involved in another. It gives a new relationship a better chance. That was my advice to my middle son who met a gal online who was still married. It was only on paper but that can still make things complicated. She hated me for it but later on acknowledged that probably I was right, In retrospect I might have handled it more gently than I did.
I would be concerned about the introduction of the 6 yr old online or in any fashion to this very recent relationship. I gather that your dd does not know much about this man other than he likes Star Trek, which in my eyes is a bonus but...
I would say keep the relationship with your daughter working. Don't close any doors. Keep them open. That for me is #1. I saw that so well when I was teaching. If you want to be successful, the first thing you do in the classroom is develop a relationship with the students. It works that way here too with posting.
Even then it may not be easy. I remember the first lunch I had with dd and her current hub. Afterwards I was asked what I thought of him. I didn't criticize him, but said he seemed nice but I didn't know him. I got blasted for that. I think I was supposed to say he was wonderful. Turns out he is a decent guy with more good than bad points, but at the time I didn't know that. I do believe in being honest. Perhaps I should have made more of the good things I saw. He dressed well, he was nice looking, he was a faithful church goer and an usher...They had obviously decided to be a couple and wanted my blessing.
Alva, I agree - don't over react. Initially I managed that much better with my grands than with my kids. If one of my kids asked for my support they would most definitely want it. I guess it depends. You know your child. Over enthusing could backfire too.
Barb - I think your opinion is important to your daughter or she wouldn't have asked for your support. I would give that support as best I can.
However there is a safety issue with the 6 yo that is a concern. Is she the one who grandfather wanted to take her out alone? Goodness!!! Can you very gently advise your dd that your only concern is the safety and well being of both her and especially that of her daughter, your dgd. Could you find some common ground there?
I think your dd is the one being disloyal to sil more than you are. Surely sil is concerned for his dd's welfare and that would be a common point for the two of you. On that basis I would Zoom to get a sense of this man, and to at least appear to support your dd. You are aware of your weakness for charming men which should protect you somewhat. I know, I am a sucker for charm too.
Keep us posted. These are difficult family situations. All the best.
My fear in "meeting" this person online is that it seems like the ultimate disloyalty to my sil.
I am also, at times, easily charmed by manipulative men (met my first husband?). I don't want to go down that road.
OKay, I'm taking a poll...who thinks I should Zoom?
Also, I see this as lose/lose. What possible good could come of this aside from possibly getting my identity stolen or something?
She wanted to argue. She wanted to make something your fault.
Because saying what she did and saying "I am only telling you this so you can give me your support" is kind of a joke. No daughter of yours would be that dim.I would just have told her "You are a grownup. I trust you to make the best decisions for your own life and for those you have obligations to."
When I was in nursing school the oldest student studying was a woman with a young daughter about to make the worst decisions in a man. Geraldine just jumped right in and said GREAT, let's go bridal shopping, and she was so overly enthusiastic that her daughter finally had to rein her in with "Mom, you know, I am not certain this is the right guy for me". She said "Had I fought it I would have forced her right into that bad marriage. She was a clever woman.
The advice I gave her, after we spoke in person, while I was driving, at night in the rain (big mistake) was that, in the hands of a good divorce lawyer, she could lose custody of her child (she has introduced her not quite 6 yo to this guy online).
She responded that I was bullying and threatening her. I told her that a mom of an adult has ONE job and that's to tell the truth that no one else will tell you.
Thanks for listening.