I'm tired of cooking/preparing 3 meals a day. It's just the two of us but boy oh boy can that woman eat!! She stays slimish, I get fattish. It's bad enough I do everything here much less start making her one thing and me the other. At times I feel guilty when I buy her fast food cuz of the nutritional value....not to mention I eat it too.
I care for him out of love and we have a very close bond, but how can they live with themselves....
They make me so angry. Why should I be caring for their dad. I have already cared for my mum for the last 27 years !!!!!!!! Only took a step back last year to step straight back into a caretaker role.
Lot of why me. Lot of tears that I'll lose my Pa soon. Feeling very alone as those around me haven't had to be a care giver before.
Thanks for letting me vent the internal whine I had today. Don't get the opportunity to vent.
I will admit I busted out laughing at your recent post
Mom, whatcha doing?
”Hoping for the best!”
Your sense of humor comes through on your posts. Hang in there!!
Me: at the end of the hall.
Mom: that doesn't help. I still don't know where I'm I supposed to pee.
Me: 😶
I'm sorry you're having such a lousy day. Reward yourself with something later on.
Me: at the end of the hall.
Mom: how can I get there if the hallway has two ends
Me: 😶
Need to vent. I’ve been in extreme stress. On the positive side, I recently found a trustworthy person my Mom can pay, to replace me. This frees me up. Not entirely, but greatly. I’ll look for more people, so I can be totally freed up.
On the negative side, it’s recently been so extremely stressful: I’ve lost huge amounts of hair :( :( :(.
I really hope it grows back soon.
I have to laugh because my man was saying how he'd almst forgotten what a nasty piece of work my mother is. Yesterday's performance wasn't even that bad.
She opened with the poor, pathetic, feeble elder. It ended with her telling us off with some very choice language.
We just ignored her.
i really agree!
and “Narcissists need their "supply" of attention and will go to extreme lengths to get to both positive and negative attention.”
yes!!
———
dear burnt,
totally agree with you too!
“I compare daughter-caregiver abuse to being lower than garbage. When something is garbage, it gets thrown away and that's the end of it.”
agree! in fact, some abusive elderly parents use and abuse the daughter, torment, insult, stress her out, then throw her out. “you can go home now. see you soon, and we can start all over again.”
“The daughter-caregiver is like the pile of garbage only the parent doesn't throw it away. They save it so they can abuse and torment when they're feeling bored, or craving attention, or need something, etc...”
yes :( :( :(
sorry to hear your mother acted up again yesterday.
it never stops.
till their death.
:(
i wish us freedom from abuse.
freedom from slavery (for those who are daughter-slaves).
I like where this thread is going with the Greek mythology comparisons.
Myself, I'm not so poetic. I compare daughter-caregiver abuse to being lower than garbage. When something is garbage, it gets thrown away and that's the end of it.
The daughter-caregiver is like the pile of garbage only the parent doesn't throw it away. They save it so they can abuse and torment when they're feeling bored, or craving attention, or need something, etc...
My mother was acting up last night. Normally she knows that when she puts on an attention-seeking performance that it will result in even less attention from me.
Last night we (my ex-hubs and I) were watching tv. My mother was doing the working herself up into hyperventilation. The Hysterics and Semantics Variety Hour Show because she wasn't the center of attention and she doesn't like my man staying over. She was getting on about finding her 'pills'. This is Act 1 of the show. He gets up to go and help her and I told him no. Ignore her. Don't pay her any attention at all. She really brought the show and I didn't want a staged fall or something so I told her to knock off the behavior or we would leave and she would have to stay alone in the house. She knocked it off and went to bed.
No adult woman has to become Atlas because they have a senior brat in their life.
I'm done with with caregiving both with clients and within my family. My mother will have in-home caregivers when I move next spring. Or she can go into managed care. I don't play her games. I don't play any senior's attention games. Take the help offered or fend for yourself. This is usually what it comes down to with the daughters of abusive families.
I like Greek myths too. Sisyphus was the one I identified with.
re your war analogy - soldiers who get wounded in battle are taken away from the battlefield to be cared for and to allow for healing. They don't stay to get injured again and again. We need treatment and healing time away too.
Soldiers are also trained and prepared for battle. We need preparation - which can come from reading about the conditions our abusers have. Melody Beattie writes about codependency which is often present in abusive families. Our abusive parent may well have a personality disorder and or be narcissistic. There is good info on the internet about both of these. Narcissists need their "supply" of attention and will go to extreme lengths to get to both positive and negative attention. It helps a great deal to know your enemy and not fall into their traps.
i wish us to find a way out.
My whine moment today: more of an observation.
I tried to talk to some friends (their parents are still young) about my caregiving troubles. They can’t really imagine what it’s like. I was hoping they could understand.
I think it’s true, that unless you’ve been through it, you don’t completely understand.
your abuser is making everything a million times harder for you…
…is stealing lots of precious time from you
…is sabotaging your efforts
for example: maybe you’re helping to solve an admin problem, which could have been solved in 2 minutes. but your abuser sabotages your efforts, dragging out the problem as long as possible.
it’s not even YOUR admin problem. it’s theirs. but you’re kindly helping. and they SABOTAGE.
in other words, they made everything much more difficult for you: gave you more stress, more problems, AND STOLE YOUR TIME.
you probably could have solved many problems very quickly.
abusers also know that if certain problems aren’t solved (let’s say you decide not to help), it’ll create a mess in your life later.
anyway, what i’m saying is…
they’re making it much more difficult for you, on purpose. and stealing your time, on purpose.
we are in many ways, heroes.
——
i say this, because so many of us are abused daughters (abused right now, by our elderly parent/s). we’re getting abused WHILE we help.
all that abuse can start brainwashing your mind. you start forgetting the reality, which is that you’ve saved your parent/s from countless medical and administrative disasters.
we are heroes.
——
i wish us to be heroes also for our own life. save your life, too.
hug!!
bundle of joy :)
i don’t know the solution. my heart goes out to all of us, in our difficult situations.
some of us have been forced into hard, impossible situations. sometimes there seems to be no way out. (like atlas, the greek myth).
there must be a way out.
the universe is a beautiful place. it’s not possible that we kind people are doomed, because of our kindness.
if you feel you’re carrying too much weight on your shoulders, there must be a solution.
perhaps take a look at another greek myth, where things work out :).
ok, not so easy, since 99% of greek myths end very badly.
anywayyyy, there must be a way.
find a way to liberate yourself. would be cool to discover the solution is very simple.
by the way:
i think venting is important. better now, than later. get the venting out of your system. it’s just as important as any other need. VOS, you’ll walk in the sun better later anyway, having vented/talked about what you needed to talk about. now you’ve done that, and now you can go out in the sun. :)
i wish us all well. :)
bundle of joy :)
BOJ, that Greek myth seems very relevant to me. (By the way, I don’t want to explain my life here). I feel like Atlas. I want to get out of my situation. I don’t want to end up like Atlas.
I want to vent about two things. First, I’m miserable. Second, I’ve spent many days recently speaking to a friend about how miserable I am (while at the same time making changes to make my life better). But I also realize that I’ve spent all that time venting (instead of for example, walking in the sun). Very sunny days here right now. But I needed to vent. I’m glad I vented.
But…but, but…
I feel sorry for myself. (You who read this, don’t know what’s going on. It’s all right. I don’t want to explain). I just feel sorry for myself (I know what’s going on).
BOJ, I feel like Atlas. I don’t want to be Atlas.
atlas…
he didn’t like holding up the earth on his shoulders, and he tried to get out of it many times.
he never did succeed, and continues to hold it for eternity…
:( :( :( :(
liberate yourself.
I want to add one thing my co-worker said: it’s like beating against a wall.
Of course I’ve heard the expression before, but somehow his words really sunk in. I hope I really get it now, really understand it. It also helped me what Bundle of Joy said: my Mom’s acting like an enemy. (In other words, no wonder she’s saying all that to me). And it helped, my realization for the 1st time that: she’s intentionally trying to get me to raise my voice. I had never realized it before.
I want to reply to what you said. So very useful.
“As difficult as it is to not defend yourself against lies, it has really been helpful for me. I don't get sucked into her nonsense and I don't care what she says about me.”
I haven’t reached that stage yet. I still care what she says, thinks, about me, so I still correct things. Maybe soon I’ll stop.
My colleague said: he tries talking once, then no more.
I still feel I need to correct some things. Maybe soon I won’t need to anymore. Maybe soon I’ll have corrected anyway every possible insult. Yesterday and today, she really threw out every possible insult one can say to a human being. So maybe soon there’s nothing more for me to correct. Maybe ironically it’s good she threw out every possible insult that exists. There’s nothing more for me to counter. Gosh, I hope that ironically I’m - in a way - liberated a bit in this way.
“People that know me, know the truth and people that believe her, they can believe whatever they want.”
I haven’t quite reached that stage yet. I hope I do. She often tries to insult me in front of people I like. So I do sometimes correct the insults.
“It takes two to tangle and I have found that side stepping her attacks leave her floundering and me less affected by her attacks.”
I understand. Hopefully soon I’ll be like you.
“Where I used to get upset and angry, now I just feel sad for her.”
I see, yes.
“She must be terribly miserable with herself to attack the only family member that helps her”
Same here, I’m the only one who helps.
“Your coworker is correct. Total disconnect from toxic people is the only real fix.”
Yes, but that’s impossible unless you decide to go totally no contact: totally abandon my Mom. As long as I help her, there’ll always be contact. Anyway, I will continue to look for people to replace me: minimize my contact.
Mom: where's the bathroom?
Me: at the end of the hall.
Mom: you sound like a broken record
Me: 😶🙃
Only dealing with her when I feel strong and hanging up when she starts has been super effective. I will tell her that I have a call coming in that I have been waiting for or my honey is calling, pulling in, whatever. I NEVER give her the opportunity to defend her behavior by never bringing it up, she knows what's she's doing and I am not arguing about her crap, I just have to go now.
As difficult as it is to not defend yourself against lies, it has really be helpful for me. I don't get sucked into her nonsense and I don't care what she says about me. People that know me, know the truth and people that believe her, they can believe whatever they want. It takes two to tangle and I have found that side stepping her attacks leave her floundering and me less affected by her attacks. Where I use to get upset and angry, now I just feel sad for her. She must be terribly miserable with herself to attack the only family member that helps her or even speaks with her.
Your coworker is correct. Total disconnect from toxic people is the only real fix.
I really wish we could all be free from these people who torture us.
Different story: I met a man recently at work, who’s always very jolly. He has a great attitude. I decided to ask him how he handles people who insult him, whom he can’t get away from.
(He doesn’t know my situation at all).
He said he walks away from all such people, but if there’s no way to get away from that person…He says, then it’s really hard, because they’ll keep attacking you. He said, he wouldn’t be able, willing, to put up with it.