I'm tired of cooking/preparing 3 meals a day. It's just the two of us but boy oh boy can that woman eat!! She stays slimish, I get fattish. It's bad enough I do everything here much less start making her one thing and me the other. At times I feel guilty when I buy her fast food cuz of the nutritional value....not to mention I eat it too.
Golden:
“Your mother, in her sick way, *wants* to be the center of your universe”
I agree, and in particular takes delight in abusing me.
“"sick dance" where she enjoys abusing you and you cooperate with her to a degree.”
I see what you mean. Actually I’m not cooperating, but there isn’t anyone to replace me so far. There is no other family member, only me. I do walk out, hang up (politely). But by then, I’ve already received some screaming. It’s unpredictable. She doesn’t abuse every time. I protect myself, by taking for granted that it’s every time and I plan an exit every time just in case.
Burnt:
My Mom lives at home, not AL.
True, a non-family member could take over POA. Yes my Mom’s mind is fine, but she definitely needs help with many admin things: for example, hands (lost some flexibility), so she can’t type on the computer.
If I let the State take over, then it’s true I would be much less needed. I prefer the State doesn’t take over. Yes she’s abusive, but I want to try to help her stay home as long as possible.
I could look for a non-family member, or accountant, to look after some of her admin problems. True. I’m trying to look for someone who can replace me; but it’s not just banking issues. Example: recently we spoke about last wishes, burial, funeral. The idea is to organize (as much as possible) already now (she wants to), so that it doesn’t land on me later. I’m helping to pre-organize, pre-pay with her money: she finds another occasion to scream.
Another example: someone needs to lock up the valuables in the house. Sensitive documents. Away from the caregivers’ reach. Who else can do that but me? My Mom’s friends died already (old age). Of course it would be easier if she’s surrounded by trustworthy friends/neighbors. She isn’t.
So I would have to hire a stranger to take over some of the things I do. I’m looking.
In what way can she retaliate? That’s the tricky thing. Believe me, if someone wants to retaliate they’ll find ways.
The major issue has been the living arrangements:
Caregivers stealing, etc.
ID documents disappeared (or stolen). I declared the loss to the police. From now on, I’ll keep the ID documents. Why was the ID in the house? Because my Mom needed to go to a government office with the caregiver. My Mom needs help to walk; the caregiver helps.
Such thefts:
I then must deal with the caregivers, speak with my Mom (that gives her another chance to scream). Her mind is fine, but she’s not able to manage the caregivers on her own. It’s me who interviews new ones, tries to find better caregivers/agencies.
Golden:
My goals? I have many. I have my own career. But it’s definitely suffering.
I will continue to look for someone to replace me.
Your response is absolutely brilliant. One of the best I've ever read posted on this forum.
The part about the "sick dance" is perfect. How many of us have danced the "sick dance" with a parent? Myself included and if you've done it or are currently, you know exactly what it is.
Again, excellent explanation and comment.
I don't know what to tell you then and I wish you the best of luck.
If you have a family member who will take over the POA then great. If not will the AL she's in help you with it?
You're right that the abuse is not going to stop. Think about this though. How much retaliation is your mother really capable of from an AL facilty?
Visit the probate court in the town or city your mother lives in. They have actual lawyers that the probate court uses to become a POA to a person. You may be able to get one appointed to take over financial POA only while you stay in charge of your mother's medical decisions and living arrangements. It won't be free, but this could be a possibility for you.
You and your mother are in a "sick dance" where she enjoys abusing you and you cooperate with her to a degree. This is where the "growing up thing" comes in. She has not (and will never) care for you as you need. You need to take over the role of parenting yourself. Your mother is a very bad role model. What would your ideal mother advise you to do?
I am curious how much of a life you have apart from this over involvement with your mum. What are your goals for yourself? What are you looking forward to? What do you do for yourself? Your mother, in her sick way, to be the center of your universe, and to a degree you are enabling her unhealthy behaviour. That's not good for you or for her. Put yourself first. Get out of the FOG - fear, obligation and guilt that tie you to your mum's abusive behaviors. What is one step you can take to "untrap" yourself?
You and only you have the keys to your freedom. The changes that are needed are in you - not in her.
I know it is hard BTDT and you can too. (((((((Hugs))))))
“mom, you need to make a different plan with someone else; I cannot do this if you speak that way".
I can say that, but:
-There is no other family member who can do it. I’m the only family member left. If I don’t do it, it just won’t get done.
-She will never stop the screaming, insulting. It’s too much fun for her. She likes bringing me down. She has moments when she speaks normally to me. She is extremely sweet to everyone else, even laughing, very good mood.
“When she dies, you hire a lawyer (with the Estate's money) to administer the estate.”
You are right. This way I don’t need to deal with that.
“If she "has her mind" she will learn from your repeated actions.”
Her mind is fine. She takes joy in making me suffer. She doesn’t want to change that.
“Step away from the abuse.”
You are right.
my Mom wants to close one of her bank accounts. She’s housebound (her mind is fine). I have POA; I’m able to close the account for her. I need to know where she wants the money transferred. Which other account? I need to talk to her. She screams, abuses me, while I help her.
I can decide not to help her close the account. But if I do that, the reality is, it’ll create a lot of work for me later. It makes it easier for me too, if she closes it. One less bank to keep an eye on. One less worry. The account is in a different country. If she dies (I’m the executor), it’s huge work for me if that foreign account is still open. Much better (for her sake and mine), to close it now. The issue isn’t just about death. So long as that account is open, someone needs to check things are OK, or make necessary transfers (she can’t do it by internet; I tried to teach her). So I’ll keep having to do it. If we close it, it’s one less account for me to deal with."
You say "she has her mind". If that's true (permit me to think that there is an awful lot of mental illness in play here, if not dementia) I would say:
Mom, you want to close this account; I can do that and need to have your instructions on where the money should be deposited".
If she yells or abuses you, you say "mom, you need to make a different plan with someone else; I cannot do this if you speak that way".
You leave.
If she asks again, repeat that.
When she dies, you hire a lawyer (with the Estate's money) to administer the estate.
Step away from the abuse. If she "has her mind" she will learn from your repeated actions.
Just one thing:
You said, don’t worry about the problems getting bigger and creating chaos for me later; it hasn’t happened yet.
The thing is, it’s not an imaginary worry. I can concretely, easily see that if a certain problem isn’t solved now, it’ll create huge trouble for me later. The bank was just one example.
Trying to - stop - her from being abusive (for example ignore her) won’t work. She becomes even more abusive (planning retaliation later).
But even though she’ll become more abusive, I do indeed try to ignore the abusive comments. I do indeed hang up, walk away. Of course by then unfortunately, I’ve already heard a few seconds of abuse before I get a chance to hang up. I try to have as little contact as possible.
I’m also really searching for someone who can replace me. I realize that every contact with her results in abuse. I’m also hoping that soon I’ll get rid of many problems, so I can have minimum contact.
The only way to have zero contact would be to let the State take over. It’s true that if I did that, I can have zero contact. I don’t plan on doing zero contact. Why not? I prefer not to. But I’m not totally against it either.
You are NOT trapped. You are an adult. Your mother no longer has control over your life. You do not depend on her for food, shelter, and clothing like you did back when you were a helpless child.
You're not a helpless child anymore. You are an independent adult.
Here's how to get yourself out of the trap. You stop helping her until she learns how to behave towards you with basic human respect.
If the verbal abuse and insults start up when you are around her, that is when you leave. No matter what. If she gets mouthy right before her doctor's appointment you're bringing her to, she misses it. If you're cleaning her house or doing her laundry and she starts you stop whatever you're doing and you go. If she complains about the food you bring her, take it and throw it in the garbage. If her phone calls involve insulting and verbal abuse hang up on her.
Follow all this with a nice period of total ignoring. The ignoring can range from a few hours to several weeks or months. Whatever you decide.
Don't worry that if you don't help her now you'll be facing bigger problems later on. Those problems haven't happened yet and may never happen. Don't help her anymore yourself. POA can be given over to someone else. Don't switch over bank accounts if there's nothing wrong with them because your mother just feels like doing that. Don't let her keep treating you so badly. You don't deserve it.
Please remember something and it will help. She is dependent on you now. So you now set the terms of what the relationship between the two of you will be.
You're right about one thing though. If you continue tolerating her abuse and insults you will be trapped.
Hi Golden, Thanks! Let me reply here:
“I did caregiving at a distance and dealing with her was always very difficult.”
Exactly like me. I help by phone a lot. I must talk to her to be able to solve certain of her problems (admin, etc.) (I have POA) (but sometimes it’s necessary to talk things over). I want as little contact as possible.
Your Mom was 106! Oh my goodness. Normally I would of course say wonderful, but your Mom was so mean to you.
“I coped by increasing the emotional distance and decreasing contact with her.”
I’m doing that.
“She didn't like some of my decisions and got angry - so what's new? Her emotions were hers to deal with, not mine.”
I agree with this attitude.
“There is a "growing up" thing that has to happen inside where you 1) cast aside the expectations your mum has laid on you and which have been incorporated into your expectations of you and 2) start looking after yourself.”
YOU ARE RIGHT.
“There is great freedom in realizing you really do have a choice and it is not your job to try to keep her happy.”
Of course I agree. But some things must be solved now.
CONCRETE EXAMPLE:
For instance, how would you handle THIS:
my Mom wants to close one of her bank accounts. She’s housebound (her mind is fine). I have POA; I’m able to close the account for her. I need to know where she wants the money transferred. Which other account? I need to talk to her. She screams, abuses me, while I help her.
I can decide not to help her close the account. But if I do that, the reality is, it’ll create a lot of work for me later. It makes it easier for me too, if she closes it. One less bank to keep an eye on. One less worry. The account is in a different country. If she dies (I’m the executor), it’s huge work for me if that foreign account is still open. Much better (for her sake and mine), to close it now. The issue isn’t just about death. So long as that account is open, someone needs to check things are OK, or make necessary transfers (she can’t do it by internet; I tried to teach her). So I’ll keep having to do it. If we close it, it’s one less account for me to deal with.
Now multiply this problem by 100 other examples, where I can indeed ignore/walk away/not solve the problem - but if I do that, I’m making chaos for my own life in the future.
It’s (bank) the kind of problem you can’t delegate to a non-family member. Give a stranger all the bank details, etc.? No.
So I do it. There are thousands of examples like that. If I don’t do it, it’ll hit me later. I try to do it alone (not talk with her), but some things must be done with her (and then she takes that opportunity to scream, abuse; with a few moments of niceness and “thanks”).
“If you look at it dispassionately - from a problem solving point of view - it's clear that your mother needs help from another source.”
TOTALLY agree.
I would LOVE someone to replace me. But some things aren’t safe to delegate to non-family (example bank problems).
I’m indeed delegating/hiring out whatever problems I can, to others. But still, there are thousands of problems that can’t really be delegated.
I can’t continue like this. I totally agree I must get away from the abuse.
I’ve gotten rid of many problems (the faster I do that, the faster I can have less contact).
I’ll continue to see if there are more problems I can delegate to others.
I’m going to re-read this paragraph several times:
“There is a "growing up" thing that has to happen inside where you 1) cast aside…”
I will seek ways to change my situation.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR MESSAGE, and your hug! Really, your hug lifted my spirits a lot.
The thing is you have the control of your own life now much more than you did as a child. You don't have to do this. My mum didn't live with me either. I did caregiving at a distance and dealing with her was always very difficult. I coped by increasing the emotional distance and decreasing contact with her. She didn't like some of my decisions and got angry - so what's new? Her emotions were hers to deal with, not mine.
There is a "growing up" thing that has to happen inside where you 1) cast aside the expectations your mum has laid on you and which have been incorporated into your expectations of you and 2) start looking after yourself. There is great freedom in realizing you really do have a choice and it is not your job to try to keep her happy.
Does your mum need help?
Probably. (Your profile does not state her health issues.)
Do you have to be the one to help?
No
Do you need to get away from the abuse?
Yes.
If you look at it dispassionately - from a problem solving point of view - it's clear that your mother needs help from another source. Not that she would agree that or be happy with it, but her wants are not the issue here.
She has needs.
You have needs.
Both are important.
Think about it.
Why can't you stop showing up?
But suddenly I realized that what she’s doing to me now is MUCH WORSE.
As a child I could escape (for example, spend more time at a friend’s house).
Now it’s very difficult to escape.
:(
:(
:(
I’m helping her. (I don’t live with her). She insults, abuses me. I can’t just escape. Then the problems get unsolved. As is true for many of us, it just means you’ll be faced with an even bigger problem later.
I’m trapped. I understand there must be a way to get out of the trap. But how? As long as I help, I’ll be abused forever.
Natasana: Very sorry that you injured your back. Take care of yourself.💚
Bundle of Joy, keep on pressing on. Like my mom used to say when I asked her how she stayed so strong. She said, "I just keep on putting one foot in front of the other"
God Bless everyone in the States on this sad anniversary.
i’ll let you know if i find the way. i’ll take a map with me.
(by the way i’m terrible at reading maps.)
(i even took the wrong plane once. it’s basically impossible to do that. but i did it. boarding gate. i managed to get on the wrong plane and ended up in the wrong country.)
anywayyyy, i’ll let you know if i find the way.
i want to be free. (i don’t mean to not help at all).
We have dropped from high 80s (31C) to close to freezing. R said there was frost at the farm yesterday. Fortunately not here yet which is very unusual. We normally get overnight frost before the end of August. Not whining about that. I am still recovering from R's visit and all the accompanying activity. tired, needing extra sleep and having a bit of fm. In itself not bad, but it means I can't do much these days. I moved a bit of stuff and I guess I shouldn't have.
DD is home and exhausted from all the treatments and still losing weight -about 40 lbs so far. I want to make her some chicken soup as that went down well before but right now even that is a challenge. One step at a time - put the chicken in a pot with water and turn on the burner!
"The milk is empty".
Ok! I need to go get the milk.
If I don't, I would not be doing a good job, not putting others needs first, might be a bad person? Or selfish?
I go to buy milk. The shop wants me to collect it from the supplier. The supplier wants me to collect it from the farm. The farm want me to milk the cow.
I arrive back after many hours, exhausted, muddy, hungry. But with some milk...
Or..
"The milk is empty'.
Yes. It is.
I wonder if sometimes we just need to LISTEN & wait.
Rather than fly into action.
And I sit it Doctors all the time. But my reasoning is I treat her the way I would want to be treated at her age. Also ,nobody forces me to eat that's my doing.
All I can say is I'm going to be huge .