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i hope youre fine cwillie .
(10)
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Home again and I'm starving, on the plus side my weight is down a little from my last check up so I guess anxiety is good for something.
So the plan - surgery will go ahead probably within the next three weeks, at which time they will be able to stage the cancer and decide whether any more treatment (chemo/radiation) is needed. I'm also supposed to have CAT scans of all the other places something nasty might be hiding, but since I'm feeling perfectly healthy I figure that is just covering all the bases. On the plus side this should all be out of the way before the snow flies🤞.
(17)
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the hat i left for nick in my mailbox saturday didnt get picked up . i had no illusions that it would . my ex is cruising at full speed towards a smackdown by an already fed up judge .
i can wait ..
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Thanks for kindness and understanding. At least I am beginning to understand now that after being baffled that nothing more should surprise me.

I hate the nightmares. I know that we can’t control our sub conscience mind but they drain me. It’s exhausting and I don’t sleep well. It’s really the only time that I don’t go right back to sleep. Otherwise if I wake up, I can usually fall back asleep.
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Thinking of you all day, CW!!
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Cwillie, Thinking of you today and wishing you the best.
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NHWM, I hope you can treat yourself to something today for your birthday...and everyday!
I know depression can make us feel so hopeless. I have been dealing with it for a very long time and mine goes up and down. Each day I am up early thinking today will finally be different, that there will be some breakthrough,...then it is just more of the same or more dismay. Somehow I believe there is a Ying to every Yang and that for 12 yrs. of this there will be a turnaround. I am glad that people here are there for you.
(3)
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Oops-gift not need
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glad- that's a great gift.
NHWM - my need to you is that you can be happy without your mom's approval.
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NHWM, Happy birthday, my gift to you is for you to be good to yourself and let go of the past. Thinking of you.
(8)
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Good Luck tomorrow CWillie! & Happy Birthday NHWM!
(8)
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Oh MHWM I am so sorry your birthday is not going well. Keep your chin up and hang in there
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Thanks Polar.

Can never go wrong with chocolate. Actually, I haven’t even eaten anything today. Guess that’s one reason that I can’t gain weight. I don’t eat if I am upset. I don’t eat a lot anyway. I hate when people tell me I am too thin and need to eat. How can I eat if I am not hungry?

Tried to reach out to mom. Was a disaster. As long as she’s with my brother it’s hopeless. I am so sad. I won’t know where she will end up or even when she dies. I am baffled and envy people with good families.

My brother even changed her number. My daughter called my godson, my brother’s son and he gave my daughter her number to give to me. My brother will be furious with him now. Not the first time he has treated his son like crap!

She wouldn’t have even wished me a happy birthday.

After taking care of her for a bazillion years and I am nothing to her now. All because I tried to implement boundaries. Oh well, that’s life. Not fair for all of us. Wishes don’t always come true even on birthdays, right?

I hurt. I ache. I feel lost and confused. No closure. She stirred up so much crap pitting him against me. He is playing the hero! She must be hiring help with him. He can’t be bathing her! She never offered to hire help when I was a caregiver for over 14 years!

So she will hold my burning out against me! No one can do everything on their own. She NEVER had to care for her mom at all! My grandma was independent until her death at age 85. She lived in her own home and was the sweetest grandma in the world.

Sorry about my bad mood, Polar. All you did was wish me a happy birthday. I thank you. I’m just hurting. I’m going to lay down. I hope to fall asleep and not have nightmares. At least with sleep I don’t have to think about it right now. Very down. Depression is tough. Cried enough today.
(8)
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NHWM -
(singing) Happy Birthday to you...Happy birthday to you...Happy birthday dear..., Happy birthday to you.

Know that YOU are among friends on this site. Treat yourself to something nice today like a nice latte or frappuchino, double scoop ice cream, yum. My favorite is chocolate brownie, then rocky road, then strawberry.
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Captain,

Know what you mean about fanatics. My brother is one of those. Hard to deal with. Had to stop all contact with him.

I respect all faiths. I have faith although sometimes I struggle. I can’t stand hypocrites. My brother is very much a hypocrite and has caused tremendous pain in my life.

I’m having an extremely hard day. Can’t even put my emotions into words right now. Dealing with crap that’s really rough. 😞

Today is my birthday and I had hoped certain things would have changed. Wishful thinking on my part. I swear I will never get my hopes up again about certain things.

I try to be encouraging to others when they need hope but I don’t always succeed in finding my own comfort. I better shut up before I get even more upset than I am. No use talking about it. Some things never change. Oh well, that’s life.
(4)
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cwille,

Thinking of you. Prayers sent for you. 💗
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Wishing you Peace of Mind and a Clear Cancer screening tomorrow Cwille! I'll be thinking of you and praying for a good outcome! You've got this! ❤❤❤
(8)
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CWillie,
Your forum members are here for you, today and tomorrow. We've got your back!

If your doc has any questions, have him/her consult AC.!
(5)
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CWillie, good luck tomorrow.  Please bring someone with you when you go to find out about cancer.  The doc doesn't give time to digest the news, and we miss important information.  Prayers and hugs.   {{{HUGS}}}
(6)
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Hum....After I installed the new replacement dish t.v. box, I realize I have not watched t.v.for a couple of days. Husband is out of town working. Maybe this silence of no commercials IS nice. Prayers CWillie. You are all so loved.
(6)
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my dad was kind of a religious nutcase ( fanatic ) , so we were raised with no tv . looking back , i agree with him now . everything was a lie / fantasy from the commercials to * sigh * half of the evening news .
i dont mean to criticize people who watch the stuff , but like smesque , ive no room for it in my head .
(5)
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CW, ((((((((Hugs)))))))))).)
(7)
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Cwillie- I guess I missed something. Not sure what is going on with you, healthwise, but I will be praying for you.

Havent watched TV or movies or anything of the like in about 6 years( if my memory serves me right). Nothing worth putting in my mind.
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cwille,

You are every bit as strong as Midkid. You’re just as funny, loving, encouraging and kind as she is. Now you just have to try and tell yourself the wonderful advice that you give to others.

I burned candles for MidKid and I will keep burning one for you too. It’s something I have done since I was a child.

Grandma would take me during the week before Sunday rolled around and believe me when grandma took you to pray you better get down on your knees, which I did and still do. I kneel on the kneeling bench and offer my intention for whomever I light the candle for.

Churches back then never closed. They were always open for people to enter and pray. Now with crime and the homeless it’s different.

I couldn’t even tell you how many candles I have burned. I have seen a few miracles happen.
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Willie, you don't have cancer...............I hope not! Please say you don't. And for goodness sake, don't go on cancer forums or any kind of health related online forum. I've made the mistake of doing that and it's a recipe for a panic attack. Keep in mind it's always those who've had bad health experiences who seem to post on those threads.

As for t.v. I don't watch much. Occasionally I watch a movie if there happens to be a good one on. (which is seldom) C N N sometimes just for the horror factor alone can be mildly entertaining.
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Gave up cable when I got my walking papers (got unemployed) in 2004. It was very hard to get used to it but now, with the DTV thing and getting more channels, I don't miss it. I do have cable internet and I think it's worth every penny: I can watch lots of stuff on the free websites.
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pretty scary cwillie ,
this aint 1970 though . medicine imo has earned every bit of confidence you can muster for it . confidence in your medicine is a good policy going in -- anyway .
negativity and stress arent conducive to the healing process .

it took me and the VA 15 years and 4 treatments to beat hepc . giving up never entered my mind .
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Thinking of you cwille. 💗
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I've been spending half my time living in denial and the other half binge reading about cancer, of the two I think the land of Egypt is much easier on the nerves. I'm posting this here because the online support groups suck.
(god, Tuesday can't come soon enough)
(9)
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like you previously said -- cwillie . theres not much need to ask me about movies because i dont watch the crap . the only ' mood music ' i need is my two different tones of tinnitis .
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