My "whine moment today." What's yours?

You know Stacey, I'd thought about that too. I really don't want to go to hell either, so I gave my son permission to accidently slip something into my applesauce... then I thought shoot, then he'll go to h*ll. So I gave him the choice, go to hell or change my poopy depends. He's stocking up on fire extinguishers ...

The last 3 - 6 months of mom's life were almost unbearable to witness/endure. Scares the beejeepers out of me... so I'm not really sure what would be worse?

Willows, science is ever expanding it's knowledge and I pray they unlock this mystery as well. Those big pharms are chomping at the bits to make it happen!!

I tend to agree with willows, sadly..I think we already have the knowledge to knock out all of our horrid diseases...cancer, alzheimers, all of them.but there are too many people making too much money...just like the issue with illegal drugs...too many sitting in the white house who make a lot of money on the side off that industry....cynical...what me??? naaaaaaa

I don't guess I worry too much about later on...I've already decided I'm going to place my babies with good loving homes...if any are still here when that time rolls around..and again..I'm going up into the woods and expire...quietly ...surrounded by nature...as our first inhabitants of this great country did...when their folks aged, and they couldn't keep up..many of the tribes just left them...right there....sad..and yet...maybe not...for me it shall be the way to go..

Oh StacyD you made me laugh. I am also a Catholic albeit lapsed, but my convent education has it engrained in me that I'd just not dare take a chance on suicide, legal or not. .However as you say it should be your decision and I remember hearing the Catholic church has changed its view on hell. No more fire and brimstone. But who knows?

Ladies, I urge y'all to read a book entitled "The Myth of Alzheimer's," by a renowned neurologist (actually, as I remember, two neurologists co-authored this book). I don't know whether I'm glad I read it or not glad I read it. It was my daughter who called this book to my attention. There will never be a cure for Alzheimer's. In the "good old days" it was called "hardening of the arteries" until some German doctor came along and slapped HIS label on it, calling it "Alzheimer's." I hate to deflate your balloon of hope, but although the pharmaceutical vultures are raking in all the money that is being contributed to find a cure, there will NEVER be a cure.

Jeanette, euthanize yourself? My husband and I have often talked about that too, how we never want to be put in this position of being a burden to our children. It's just so scary! But then how would our kid's feel if we really did do something so crazy, there is just no good answers. Hopefully Science Will come up with some fantastic new medicine for dementia and general aging and decline by that point, or legalize an option to really and gently OFF YOURSELF when that time comes. It really should be ones own decision shouldn't it? I think that we here who serve in the trenches know better the most people anyways. Of course I'm a Catholic, so then I'll be going to hell if I ever exercise that rite anyhow! Oh Great! No option for me now! Haha

Jeannette, I have to ask you, why are you preparing three meals a day? A sedentary person doesn't need more than two. My hubby has dementia. We eat a generous, nutritious brunch late morning and then I give him a snack midafternoon and then we have another main meal around 6:30 or 7:00.

Hmm...was just watching our local morning show, the host of the show's mother has dementia. One of the guest's today is Dr. Jeffery Kaye, director of Alzheimer's research at OHSU - Oregon Health Science University. He said AD/Dementia is the most expensive disease, exceeding cancer, heart disease...here in Oregon we have over 80,000 people with AD.

She just asked him how SOON was there going to be a pill that can help her mother with dementia. He just returned from a massive International meeting of 4500 scientist from around the world. There's tremendous research going on. Apparently they are finishing up on a few clinical trials and have reached phase 3, and (his words) "Realistically, without giving out false hope, we really think it can be within the next few years".

Different kinds of treatments are really starting to take off and because of that they're developing different treatments to treat different symptoms as well as the different types of dementia.

Hmmm, I may not have to euthanize myself after all.

Oh wow...i wish I could have nabbed that pot bellied stove.......I bet whoever got it was tickled to death!!!

Lucky....I just wish I knew how to write so I could convey how I feel when reading your posts. I do so very much identify with you in so many ways.

I no longer sleep in my own room, which has become the basic odds and ends storage spot now...Mama and Daddy's room is very close to where the den is where she sleeps and I finally did migrate to that room instead of the sofa beside her because I was waking up with a crick in my neck almost every morning...but I can hear her breathing from that room so it works out ok...but it does not feel like MY bed...

I have always taken excellent care of my teeth and now I find myself having a lot more issues because I simply can't seem to get to the dentist often enough to get the minor things fixed..which then become major things as we know.

The odd thing is I have never felt old in my life...up until now....I feel like I went from being youthful and energetic to being older than dirt...and I don't say that to be disrespectful age wise...but in my way of thinking...The other day I was talking to my brother and actually heard myself tell him, "before I get to a point where I can't tell folks what i need or want I think I'll have all my teeth pulled and just get false ones so I don't have to worry about them"....this came from the daily battle to brush Mama's teeth every day..she rarely will allow it any more..it's one of the few things she fights me on...I had them all checked when she got those two pulled last winter, and none are loose, so I don't think they're sore...but I'd just as soon wrestle a bear than to try to brush her teeth.

My brother was talking about he and my SIL had been talking about their future plans when they got to where they could not longer maintain a yard and home and talking about moving to a nice retirement village here on the lake...I told him...I plan on taking my blanket and going up to the top of that mountain and just expiring....and meant it...

When did I turn into this old toot...

I truly am blessed to be with Mama...I am not complaining about that by any means...but it's also so often a very hopeless feeling because it's not like she is going to get well...there's only one outcome...but then again, it is the same outcome facing us all one day..some sooner than others...

But all that to say Lucky, that I do understand how it feels like you just kind of disappeared..the life you had disappeared...the friends (at least mine did ) disappeared...all of a sudden I went from being me to being my aunt...the only aunt I had who seemed old forever, never married, spent her life living with my grandparents and baking cakes...and I vowed never to turn into...oh God......fast forward and here I am.....

Yesterday, the nurse who is filling in for our regular one who is on a beach somewhere on the SE coast...was here talking to me and said...she had worked in senior care all of her life and she had seen it so often..."out of sight...out of mind"...that is so true and so sad...

I have come to believe that maybe folks don't mean to be cruel...they don't know what to say, how to act, I think a lot of it is fear...they do NOT want to end up where they see us and they need not worry because they are selfish enough that they never would anyway...but if they don't see us they can pretend it's not there and they don't have to face it...All of my friends parents are much much younger than mine...I see them posting on FB about going to lunch with their parents...going on a trip with their Mom...all kinds of things that I know are way behind me....and it breaks my heart...but what else can we do...would we do anything different? I wouldn't...and from all the sweet loving folks I see on here, I don't think yall would either...maybe I might have planned ahead better...but again, how on earth can you ever expect this kind of thing...

I have to find simple things to occupy myself with...Today it is my excitement at watching the circus on TV tonight aka debates...and figuring out what I am going to fix myself to munch on while I watch them.......idk....maybe chicken waffles???? That kind of fits the bill to a t don't you think????

I do look foreward to the day I get to sleep,and in my bed.I never dreamed Id still be on the couch 3 years next to Mother.I love her more than anything,but the constant care of her has hurt my health and marriage and Ive never felt so depressed.I actually feel like Im broken. Everything is hard and takes all Ive got in me to do.Since all this began with Mother,Ive had all my lower teeth pulled,had a kidney stone,an ulcer,a broken wrist and foot and some falls but I co as I uld never stop and rest or take care of myself.No one else would/will step up to the plate to help Mother or I.Certainly not my 2 selfish,self absorbed brothers.
many times I have tears running down my face as I care for Mother from my own pain.
It seems like everything only gets worse and never better.I probably shouldnt write on here in the mornings because of my head space but I am very thankful I can come here and I am very thankful it looks like that Ill get another day with my dear Mother.I wish we had a magic fairy to do all the laundry and dishes,etc.

Feeling good about at least one accomplishment today - my Dad had a small pot-bellied wood stove in the garage for heat, and he made a large covered woodbox to hold wood outside the garage door. It's been there for about 35 or 40 years, at least. He made things to last, but the particle board on the sides was fallling apart and it was time for it to go. I dragged it out to the curb last night (holy cow it was heavy!), and the trash guys gladly took it for me this morning. One more thing out of the way. Now I can work on the shed and clearing the junk out of there.

Ouch Susan...I hope you are OK....those at home tumbles can be really dangerous...That's what happened to my Mama all those years ago that sent her tumbling down her basement stairs...so sad...all her 87 years healthy as a horse...some signs of mild dementia but mostly just age related...then that severe brain injury...really sent her spiraling down....so sad....you be careful.

Nothing is more difficult and time consuming than that good deep cleaning..but nothing feels better when it's done ...I'm doing that as well..just taking small areas a time and really getting in there and scrubbing scrubbing and getting rid of as much as I can to hopefully make things a lot easier to maintain...just thinking of an early fall is making me giddy...Fall is Mama's favorite time of year...I think mine as well....especially the cooler temps will be welcome.

Watching the big blob of rain on the radar and praying we get some of that...

That kidney-related delirium is something else, isn't it? My dad had it near the end of his life - they couldn't do dialysis fast enough to keep his levels down, so there were at least 2-3 days a week where he was deep into delirium - seeing little Santa Clauses running around the floor (and he was telling us not to step on them), seeing birds flying around the ceiling (why is it always birds?), chipmunks living in the ceiling - see that one peeking out of the heating grate?, come get me, I'm at city hall - and bring my clothes! (so you're naked at City Hall, Dad?), calling the hospital cafeteria to order breakfast and telling them to deliver it to his sister's house (60 miles away), then crying and feeling that he'd caused a problem by doing that (not like they ran out and delivered it...). It causes such horrible confusion.

I wish I could stop burning the candle at both ends, but right now, it's crucial to getting over the hump financially. I've got a large project I'm working on and if I can get it done by the deadline, it's worth $1500 to me - that's major right now. I've also taken on a new client starting later this month, so I have to get things organized so I can feel more at ease doing that.

Started tackling the house this morning and doing some deep cleaning, a little at a time. Almost took a header down the stairs when the van seat (a captain's chair) that came out to accommodate Mom's wheelchair and was parked there temporarily got bumped and slid halfway down the stairs. Ooops. Guess that's next on the list. Got the entryway cleared out and vaccuumed, will get that mopped and things put back, washing the throw rugs and then on to the kitchen cabinets.

Gershun, that's what gets folks through the tough times for sure...a hearty sense of humor. My family was always that way...we could find humor in anything and there were a lot of times that got us through some times that others would be losing it over, but we were fine...sadly my brother, me and Mama are like that now but he is married to such a stick in the mud. I think once she turned 25 she vowed people weren't supposed to smile and anyone who , God forbid, actually laughed and enjoyed life, had a problem...I don't care what she thinks, I'll find my humor where I can...Lord knows we need it, right?

Jeanette you're right...something crunchy probably is best. I am looking forward to tonight as though it was going to be a huge football matchup...and you know how I love football.....the funny thing is, even watching the media get ready for it, all the strategy, all the who should say what about this and that...and everyone trying to be on their p's and q's...we all know that if the wrong button gets pushed with a couple of those folks it is going to get comical...fast!! should be a good one.

Got to say I LOVE that DT says it like he sees it...And he doesn't back down..of course that can also get you into a lot of trouble...Still, I have to admit it is refreshing when I see those media nuts go after him about something inappropriate he said and he flat out says he said it and no, he didn't mean something else....

I was good yesterday, got into my fridge and really cleared out all the stuff.. ALL of it...cleaned the fridge good, including all the bins and even took the vent cover, and other removable components off and took them outside for a good hosing down and then scoured them really well with bleach and so it is so nice and fresh and healthy looking...

My new mantra is going to be trying harder to just live healthy. I took an extra 20mg last night of my depression meds so as to keep on track with the "mistake" I made the couple of days prior and I'm not sure that is the way to go either...Within about 45 minutes my head was reeling...thankfully I was in bed by then, but it made me feel like I was out of my head...shoot and I thought I'd found the answer...

And you know Gersh...when I say you're a mess...that is a fun term of endearment here in the south.... hope I didn't offend you over that one...I have to remember that some of the stuff we say down here may not come across correctly in other places....

Gershen, 'its like slowing down to watch a car wreck', now that was funny. Soooo very funny! You are not a mess, it's that predictive technology that is the problem. Should have read that you make us laugh so hard 'we make a mess'.

Now Hope, why would you say I am a mess?

I've always been a bit of a nut. I used to phone my beloved Mom and she would start laughing even before I said anything.

We laugh a lot in my family so I guess I come by my goofiness honestly.

lucky, you win my prize Dog and hubby sleep in the bed? At least 37 times a week I'd kick one, or both OUT. You need your sleep.

Hope!! You'll need crunchy stuff for this one!! I can not wait. We can all expect the birds to riot if DT.....LOL, makes me laugh just thinking of it, makes it to office.

Ok..... this was my 47 time checking on the dame cat. She can stay the h*ll out! Or not... sigh.

Ok..there you are sweet lucky...i can rest better knowing you're ok...nite dear

Oh goodness..bless your heart nowmom...THAT is so difficult i can only imagine. My Mama has not been combative at all. .for that i am very thankful. I know that is so hard on you.

Yes Jeanette, i think I'll order pizza or get some peanuts in shells. Sad state of affairs when we watch these jokers for entertainment more than anything else. .because i dobro believe anything they say. .

Gershun..oh gershun...what can i say. ..you're a mess. ..

Im hanging on to the edge of the bed like a possum. The cats already stakes their claim and my big boy even stole my blanket. ..lol...but mama's sleeping. .so all is well......nitey nite

I sleep on the couch next to Mother and my husband and beloved dog sleep in my bed down the hall so,Im grabbing a cat and heading to the couch,To All,Take care..

Birds............LOL! Yeah, wouldn't want to wake up those birds!

I got beat up by my mom tonight me and the CNA scared the crap out of us! I never saw this type of violence before with the screaming, hitting and clawing/scratching all because she didn't want to sit on the toilet after messing her pants......now I am getting scared... she did so well last week. This Alzheimers sucks as well as her attitude...don't know how much more I can give I am spent tonight...but will try again tomorrow. Nighty, night!

Katie dear, I truly wish I had words of wisdom for you, but mom never was delusional, least not to that extent. Honestly, it makes me wonder if it has something to do with her meds? I've read where it is a good thing, at times, to discontinue most meds ( those who don't have bad side effects ) and see where the culprit may be hiding?

Oh shit hope..... Donald Trump? How many bags of popcorn do I need??? Ok. So I'm laughing really loud in a dark house....hope no one hears me, especially birds. I could really freak myself out with those birds....

I'm grabbing 2 fat butt spoiled dogs and going to bed myself. Hopefully I can run in there and get bed space first.... they are indeed hogs. Called for the kitty...cat's do not come when called like dogs do. I will not shake her kitty food one more time!! Now or never.... or when I wake up 74 times at night listening...
I may try again...

Where have I been...good grief..so much going on...again....I have been crazy busy today with a sudden burst of energy from I have no idea where...unless that ribeye did the trick...Send2me...that's funny that you were craving the same thing...I normally can't eat an entire ribeye, but that one...gone in a flash...maybe I am iron deficient or something...

Jeanette...you're so sweet....I do think you might enjoy some "down" time.....I"m certainly no expert on anything but I tend to do like you...get crazy busy with all kinds of stuff, end up wearing myself down emotionally and physically and THEN all the grief catches up to you when you're tired and exhausted and wham...it will hit you...just want you to have some down time to relax, play with you pibbles an enjoy some of that fresh air and sunshine....

I accidentally forgot and double up on my depression meds yesterday and have had all this energy today. I wouldn't think it would make a difference that quickly...but then again..is that possible??? if so, I sure want to call my doctor and ask him can I up my dosage as we discussed at my last appointment...I have felt so much better emotionally today..even physically...it's either that little pill or that ribeye..I know not which.... lol

Can't wait for the debates tomorrow night. I get so aggravated at politicians in general...none of them are worth a toot for the most part...but there are a couple I really like this time and a couple in particular who promise to be entertaining tomorrow night...

Well, I have drifted on here rather late...so I guess I need to think of hitting the hay....hope you are all doing well out there in caregiver land...

I worry about yall....Susan I know it is difficult now that your Mom is in a NH...especially when you are so good about being hands on with her care...I'm guessing it is tiring trying to adjust to the changes in routine...Praying your Mom continues to do well there....

Yes, Stacey, I do envy you your closeness to your siblings...I was always so close to my brother.actually I still am, and while I know he loves me...truly I know that...he is basically NOT going to be here for me because of my SIL...he was the same way with the first wife...both of them are the same types in the sense they are selfish and bossy...At least this one just stays away instead of coming here and screaming and cursing at me...so I guess I need to be thankful for that...but he and I always have so much fun on those rare occasions when he actually seems to forget he is married and he is himself again...He, I and Mama, even Daddy, always had so much fun as a family...all of us had a mischievious side and loved to laugh and be happy...why did he have to bring those yahoos into our lives I'll never know...ah well, I digress..too late for that...

Think I'll go grab a cat and head to bed...

Love to you all...

Seems like I've been talking about birds a lot today. :)

Katie I'm sure you've already looked into this but if your Mom is seeing things. That sounds a lot like delirium triggered by a UTI.

The reason I say this is my Mom was seeing birds at the end of her bed in hospital when she was recovering from a bad kidney infection. I hope you and your Mom get some good sleep tonight.

Speaking of Birds, one of our favorite car trips was with my parents, John and I drove with them, from Seattle, down the Oregon Coast, then into California, thru the Avenue of The Giants, the Redwoods, Huge, Huge Redwood trees, some 20 some feet around, and all in a 40 or so stretch of road, so beautiful with the light filtering thru. There is one park, that has the base of a tree hollowed out, that you can drive your car thru, and I've got pix of that trip, and another whe John and I went in our Corvette Convertible. So fun, then we drove on down to San Francisco, then onto our favorite California coastal town called Santa Cruz. Such a cool college town, with a big boardwalk wit amusement rides, and a huge old fashioned Roller coaster, as well as ap pier with cute hops and Old diner like restaurants. You feel like you went back in time to the 60's. We stayed in a little ols 50's motel, high up on the cliffs. Overlooking the ocean and boardwalk. Then we drove back up to, Get this, "The Bird's" movie fans, Bodega Bay, where The Bird's was filmed as Mom and I had to see it! Unfortunately the tiny little town isn't exactly like it was portrayed in the film, but we went to a waterfront diner for Fish and Chips just for affect. Anyways the best trip, about 6 years before my Dad died. Great Memories!
SUSAN, Girl, you are burning the candle on both ends, and eventually those flames are gonna meet up in the middle, and expect it won't be long Sweetie! Please take care of yourself, you need to build yourself and stay strong right now!

My whine today is that Mom seemed ok but then the " dismay of the day" was one minute she is lucid and the next she is saying she sees a dog next to her bed and there was no dog...Ugh...I am afraid of these hallucinations. She has sometimes become quite agitated in the past when these happen. I do have Ativan/Lorazepam for anxiety that I could give her if it gets to where she is very agitated and doesn't sleep for 48 hours continually babbling and flailing. Then she crashes. She also didn't eat any lunch, but ate some supper tonite. I hope she stays calm for the night.
Susan...I know exactly where you are coming from with "that look" from nursing home staff. I don't know why they act like we should not ask questions or care about our loved one's medical care. I went through this so much with the nursing home Mom was in for rehab last summer. Makes me mad they don't communicate well with family members.

Jeanette you crack me up. Seriously. We must meet up one day and go for a drink. (Or ten)

The Birds. I love that movie. Alfred Hitchcock had a great mind. Also love your eighties reference. "One thing leads to Another" I'd forgotten about that song.

Gershun, uhm.... ever watched that old movie "The Birds"? hehehe...
maybe he's telepathic or connected with the feathery kind ;)

Susan, OMG woman, I needed a nap and a valium after reading your post!! Sadly, I didn't get either but I was exhausted!

I know you worry about your dear mom, right now I worry about her as well.
However, I am more worried about YOU! Can you take a day or TWO of a break from it all? Probably not since you'll worry yourself even more. I am so sorry love. Hope you realize how special of a daughter you are :)
I had a feeling it was becoming very stressful for you...words can say so much.

Gershun, YES!!! I was like, "who is this Falcon person"? "Why do they sound like Jude"? I had to do some serious backpedaling ...LOL Jude girl!, why the name change??

Someone remind me to NEVER start these big projects again.... it's like one thing leads to another (fav 80's tune) and it's all just a mission. I'd say that lovely F word that seems to fit so many things lately but... the admins will just *****