Follow
Share
Read More
Find Care & Housing
I have been trying in my short, spare moments these last days to clean closets, drawers, and my cluttered mind! I end up staring at the things, thinking that I may need them someday, and close the drawer. Maybe I should not do this job right now as I really can't concentrate for long. Maybe one drawer or closet at a time! I have so much going on in my life right now sometimes I try to do too much.

Jeanette, I agree with CountryMouse that your brother most likely has copies of those photos.
Sharadale, I didn't know about the Solara dashboards as I traded mine in a few years ago. The weather up here really limited my use of the convertable top too, and when it did get nice there was all the road construction dust! Someday I dream of moving to a better weather place! I am glad to hear your Mom is doing better!
Hope, I am so glad you are enjoying that respite!!! It gives me energy just hearing about it!! Have fun...you deserve it !!!
I hope everyone else will have a good day and wish strength for everyone in all that we may encounter.
(2)
Report

Twin I am shocked.... me? snarky? as if!!!! Why not very sweetly tell them (sweet is always best when you are about to deliver a killer blow I find) something like this.

Why thank you I do try my best always have done always will. I will pass on your comments to xyz next time I see her but that is rarely - she only visits twice a year so not expecting her anytime soon.

Then expound on how much she does while she is there.

I love seeing her and would like to see her more but she just pops in long enough for me to get some things I left unattended done - it's not easy when you are care-giving 24/7 as I know you appreciate. Just now and then I HAVE to go to physically see people. But truly thank you for understanding how much I (note I not we) do - it means a lot to me.

Then excuse yourself and walk away - time to unclench your fists or you will have nail marks in your palms for ages!!!!
(4)
Report

oops! Almost forgot....love and hugs to all of you...sweet dreams and happy tomorrows.. :)
(3)
Report

Gershun...Mama never was materialistic either. I see so many of her pretty things I bought her still hanging just as she left them four years ago, with price tags on them. I remember getting them for her and she was so tickled but told me to save my money for me...but I still enjoyed shopping for her more than myself...and now there they are...I'm determined to get into them myself...I don't think I could ever give her things away..unless it was to someone who really needed it...she would like that...

Sharadale..good to see you. I'm so glad to hear your Mom is getting stronger..that is wonderful news!!!

vehicles...oh wow don't get me started there....I am needing to get the lower and possibly entire engine replaced in my car...and my Daddy's little truck, it is just one thing after another. I am going to try to go in tomorrow for the THIRD time and see if they can find out where the leak is in my NEW AC system. I be danged if I paid that kind of money for one that blows semi cool/warmish air..ridiculous...but it does seem I get one thing fixed and something else goes amiss. I made it through 52 years of life without any car issues, but I made up for it the past few years since I've been here.

Yes, Gershun and Stacey...so excited about the makeover. I found a picture exactly like I want...the one who cuts my hair is pretty good so I hope she can do it...The picture is the pretty auburn color I would one day love to try, but I did start thinking about it and decided it truly might confuse Mama so I think I'll stick with the blonde for now....I sure am missing that little lady...I am enjoying this time and am going to try to squeeze every bit of enjoyment out of it...and I think..and hope, it will help me take better care of her when she comes home....

All my furkids are in and cozy and I"m about to join them

I may pull up "It came from Hell" to help lull me off to sleep...I love old B&W horror movies...they always put me to sleep...
(3)
Report

Yay Hope, your sounding good Love! I'm thrilled for you, and so glad you are getting that makeover you deserve! I'm a little jealous, as I need one too! I need to wash that grey right out of my hair! Hahaha! Have a Blast!
(2)
Report

Hi all. I have been out of contact for a few days. Everything is fine. Mom is stabile and getting stronger everyday. I have been trying to get some jobs done that I have been putting off. I always take care of Mom's needs but put my own aside. I have to get a mammogram, get my tooth fixed ( broken filling) and try to get with my lawyer about a few things. Yikes, you mean I have a life? My car has been sitting in the front yard for 3 months because there is something wrong with the electrical system. My husband has tried and successfully charged the battery and started it but it wouldn't start for me the next day. I use Mom's car because she can't get in and out of mine easily. I have a 2007 Toyota Solara Convertible and love driving it, but I decided that I need to sell it. There is a class action suit that has given all owners the free replacement dashboard because it cracks and peels. That will make it easier to sell it. I just received my letter to schedule an appointment so I have to get it started!
(3)
Report

CM I agree with a lot of what you said. My Mom was not materialistic at all. We would buy her things and she would smile and say "thanks honey" but in the back of my mind I knew she was more happy with the visit, could care less about the present.

I went through a lot of her stuff right in front of her cause we had to clear out her stuff before she transitioned into the nursing home. I remember holding things up and saying "keep this?" and she said no to just about everything. So I took what I thought was meaningful.

Ya know Hope you are right. When it comes right down to it I went through it all when no one else would. They had their chance. H*ll, I'm keeping it. If they come crying to me later I'll remind them I asked. Tough Luck!!

On another note, Hope, I'm glad you had your taste of freedom today. I hope you enjoy your makeover tomorrow. Just don't change too much or your Mama won't recognize you.
(2)
Report

I noticed tonight it was rather late before my brother even texted me...he finally did, just asked was I resting...he had the passive aggressive thing going on yesterday so I think he finally decided to cave and text me as he saw I wasn't going to text him..sadly I am guessing it's a preview of my life to come....all thoughts of me will be gone like a toot in a tornado
(1)
Report

My whine.. I went to pay the guy we hire to cut the grass and edge moms 1 and third acre. I tell mom i am going out to pay. She says to me mean.. yes run out there with your underwear in one hand and a quarter in the other. I just smile at her and say ok and go on with the business at hand. Although i am dying inside. One time when she made a demeaning comment i told her how it hurt me and other mother would not say such awful things to their daughters but did not change her trying to hurt me. I guess she thinks i should take care of her and the land. I pay for the work so i dont know why she should care. She has dementia so maybe she doesnt think.
(0)
Report

At the risk of sounding horrid, and as my brother already got 75% of the estate 20 years ago, I think I am going to divide the remainder of things later on down the road as follows..... 100% ME 0% others
(8)
Report

I got out there and got my feet wet again in the world of normalcy...felt a little like I had stepped off a spaceship...first time in almost four years I wasn't having to think of either checking on or running home to change Mama, be sure she was ok, etc. Not complaining when I had to do it, just saying it was an odd feeling..

Coming up the hill I have to admit that it suddenly dawned on me, and hit me right between the eyes that all my adult life, well, in fact, since I was 8 years old, coming up this hill meant coming "home" to Mama and Daddy..having lost Daddy almost 20 years ago, it has been Mama here waiting on me...I know one day there will be no one up this hill waiting for me...is it going to feel like home then? This house is so big and empty without her in it...

I am thankful today that the aid and nurse both checked in on her, and spread their visits out and the aid told me she even had Mama laughing. I was soooooo tempted to go by and check on her this afternoon late, but I made myself not do it. I have noticed that she starts to fall asleep earlier and when I go and disrupt her sleep, even though I want to see her, I was afraid it might confuse her and wake her up from a good rest, so I just prayed and thanked God for the good help we are getting this week.

Tomorrow I am going for my makeover and I cannot tell you all how excited I am.. I think I am going to get bold and really go for it....

I browsed some our new stores today and that was fun. I also ended up in one of the familiar big box stores because of course I did not find what I was looking for...get ready for it....pull on comfortable cute lounge pants....well, as we know you can find anything at wallyworld, and I found the cutest little set, pale blue and white polka dots with little cats on there...a cute lounge type dress with foxes and owls on it and a pair of really nice yoga pants....yay! I guess I can now retire the ones with HOLES in them...and I am not even joking...but they literally were worn down to their last thread but I just had not had time to go out and just really look for what I wanted and I was determined to not just buy anything ...

Had a relaxing evening and crazy me, it dawned on me I did not have to be home before nightfall, but oh well, it takes a little getting used to this rest stuff....:)
(4)
Report

Gershun, if your family isn't going to come over and have a rummage - it's an ordeal, watching things you've lived with for a long time walking out of the door, but at least it gets it *done* - then maybe you could do an inventory of the key items, tell them you've done that (for God's sake don't circulate it unless you really want to start something), earmark anything that you think might be particularly meaningful for any individuals, and just keep track of what's going where.

But to be honest, I think we're entitled to harden our noses a bit. If our mothers didn't care enough to leave a letter of wishes -

- side note: it turns out my mother did. My sister called a few weeks ago to say our family lawyer had found it in a file. She left a bracelet to my sister, and a ring to me. That's it. The bracelet, which is complicated, had already gone to the jeweller to be broken up for distribution among the four of us; and I've no idea where the ring is. Well done mother, another masterpiece of administration…

Anyway. If our mothers didn't care enough to leave a specific letter of wishes ***attached to the will*** then considering that we get the super job of sorting everything out I reckon we also get first dibs. So unless they've got a piece of paper to the contrary, and to be fair my sister isn't creating over her bracelet (she didn't like it, but it is valuable), they can keep their mitts off. They speak up now, at your invitation, or forever hold their peace.
(1)
Report

CM you just reminded me. I have all my Mom's photo albums, knick knacks. I have a whole crystal ornament collection of hers.

I 've told everyone in the family numerous times if they want anything let me know.
So far, no takers.

What I'm worried about is that years from now someone will suddenly remember and I'll have grown attached to something that they may want and it will turn into a big shitstorm (excuse my french).
(2)
Report

Jeanette, rest your mind about the pictures: they will all be copies, and you're actually doing your brother a favour by not sending him a thousand photographs that he's already got. With older ones that maybe your parents took when the kids were little, what I did was separate only the really good ones into envelopes for each sibling; and sure enough two of the three envelopes are still awaiting collection/instructions two months later. They can sit where they are until I've finished clearing ready for the final charity shop/garbage/auction sweep, and if they're not gone by then then they're garbage.

Decent frames that your brother gave as gifts are a bit more of a twinge; but put them for sale with anything else that has to go and share the money with him if you can be bothered. Who doesn't have enough photograph frames? - again, you're just saving him from the Clutter Monster.
(3)
Report

FeelingLost, don't give in. This is your chance to get yourself some time to get taken care of. Nothing short of turning back time will make him happy. Hugs.
(1)
Report

CarolAnn, I could have written your comment. Except I'm not tough enough to keep on with it. I miss the dad who gave a d*mn about my needs. The one I have now is more concerned with what time we need to have the car at the mechanic tomorrow than with how bad the pain in my hands has gotten.

News here is that the assisted living apartment "in a couple weeks" turned into "available now". I'm chasing the last bits of paperwork, but we have the green light to move him in on Friday. This does not suit him at all, hence the tantrums.
(5)
Report

57twin, if it will not hurt your dad, go for it. That is a hard thing to do, especially when you care for your parent so much, like you do. Embarrassing, yes, but I found that most people "get it" with the elderly. Least here they did, all it took was a small glance with a smile and mom was treasured...LOL, oh wow, that brings back fun memories.

Yes Donna!! Scorpio!!
(1)
Report

Maybe I should let her find out herself that he doesn't have many social filters. Can be embarassing at times.
(3)
Report

Jeanette that is weird. I read in one of your earlier posts that you are a Scorpio....

Guess what?.........Me too. (cue twilight zone music) Ha, ha
(1)
Report

wtf? it keeps posting my comments before I'm done????

Gads! Well, I will pull frames off and simply toss those pictures.
(1)
Report

Donna girl, it's eerie how we are so much alike in many things, including ripping sh*t up. Your mother's name is Jean, so is mine. Both passed within a week of each other. 3 brothers. Blonde hair :) twisted sense of humor...

I would box all those darn albums and pictures up and tell him to come get them, but he lives in Alaska. I sent a short yet specific email regarding the huge of all they've sent the past 20 years, asking what they wanted me to do with it. If they want it back, send postage in advance. If not, I do have a lovely large fire pit in the back yard. As for the two brothers that live here.....
(2)
Report

57twin, do just that, set up boundaries. Maybe let her "drag" dad around for 1 single day and see what h*ll it causes... uhm, ok, maybe not because I'm more concerned for dad, but really, she needs to realize just how much time and love you give to your dad on a daily basis.
(1)
Report

Stacy your comments are fine. I think because I'm a twin people think we still do lots of stuff together. My sis lives 1000 miles away so what do relatives think she is doing? I suppose I am getting wound up because she is coming next week. I expect here to have a lot of time just with her and dad-she can have a taste of what I deal with a times. I think I will have to set some ground rules when she comes. She thinks she can drag dad around to places while she is here. She forgets he is 85 1/2 with increasing Alzheimers. An hour or two outing ok more than that is a bit much.
(1)
Report

Jeanette I have a different opinion than others about those pictures. I've ripped things up in a spiteful mood before and then regretted it. I would take them out of the frames, pack them up and call brother, tell him where they are if he wants them. Next move if he hasn't been by to pick them up, toss them then.

Jude, the hospital where my Mom spent her last days has a reputation for horrible treatment of the elderly. If I had it all to do again she wouldn't of been there but thats where she got transferred from the nursing home she was in. She was too ill to be transferred after that. But even though its only 5 minutes away from where I live I swear I'll never go back there. Even if my hand is falling off I'll instruct the ambulance to take me somewhere else. (hand, foot, nose, you name it)
(2)
Report

57twin, I hope I didn't come across as snippy, I'm in one of those moods, it's truly none of my business, but it did sort of sound like you were looking for suggestions, and after reading mine back, it kinda sounded snippy, and I'm sorry for that, truly I am! I think you are a terrific Son, and I've said so in the past! Keep being You! SINCERELY, Stacey B
(0)
Report

57twin, just tell them the truth, "twin rarely even visits, let alone participates in his care". Why not, there's No reason relatives need be under a false allusion. It doesn't mean you have to bash her, let them know that yes while you Love him very much, it has been difficult, especially when you do 99% of the work on your own. The majority of them probably know it anyway, but only say this so as to feel very much like you do, they don't want to point fingers, but are sorta waiting for you to do it first. No need to make it a topic of discussion though, unless you feel the need to unleash. Or just tell the one gossip in the family, it'll get around. But do you want it to get back to your sister? If that's the case, speak directly to her, maybe she'll step up?
(0)
Report

Dad was good this morning but not participating in many activities again not even Walking Club. It's been hot and humid so I don't want to take him out or even sit outside until weather improves.
My only whine is hearing from relatives saying you and your sister (my twin) did/do so much for your parents. Really????? She only sees him twice a year at best even when mom was alive. I'm the DPOA, I take him to appts, pay his bills, stop and see him almost every day, tidy his room, take him shopping, out of lunch/ice cream etc.... Not fair that she shares in complements. I need a semi snarky ( Jude?) response to my relatives correcting their idea that we share the responsibility.
(2)
Report

CarolAnn - Your post always makes me think of this saying...

Once a man, twice a child. So accurate isn't it?
(0)
Report

Dad is just being purposely obnoxious. I'm made of tough stuff. Ignoring him. Now he is behaving like a petulant child. :)
(2)
Report

Oh Jude, as for Caregiving as a career after Mom passes? That was bloody brilliant! Can uou imagine? Oh Yes Please, Sigh Me Up! Hahaha!!!
(1)
Report

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter