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Jeanette, vacation is high on our list for once dad gets moved into AL. Have friends we haven't seen in too long, and I think a few days in the Keys would be nice. Nothing to do and all day to do it.
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Countrymouse, "next of kin", POA, etc goes first to my long-term SO. Second to my attorney, who is also a friend (and volunteered, seems she does this for quite a few clients). Will ask her about adding her junior partner attorney as a backup, although I don't have a personal relationship with her I've known her in the office for over a decade now and feel comfortable she would follow my stated wishes.

Ex-husband may not be as crazy as it first sounds. A friend of mine is POA for her ex-husband, as she's the closest thing to family he has left. They are on friendly terms, obviously. He had a massive stroke recently, and she drove 6 hours to be there as he was doubtful to survive. He did, and she arranged discharge to snf and is overseeing things from a distance.
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No, no cruise for me, I can't stand being locked up in one location with no way out (aside the life boat)

Honestly. I'm down for a vacation of sort, especially if it's all inclusive. It may be during monsoon season but who cares, free drinks, meals and spa days, heck, I can watch it rain inside wrapped in my comfy robe like the rest of them, besides, I lived in South Florida for many years, it's not so bad :)
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Thank you all for listening to me today and being there to cheer me on....I am beyond out of control but hopefully a week of respite will help....thank you all...I truly would be lost without all of you...I know you only by screen names...but I love you all...more than you can imagine... :) thank you....God bless each and every one of you...
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FL, who will you volunteer for next of kin? I had to fill in an updated medical form at the dentist's office (see, being really conscientious about health - plus I have to get that wisdom tooth done now, only taken me a year to get round to it) and got to the next of kin question and thought "oh. I haven't got one." It was a pretty miserable moment. But I'm not dumping that on my kids and I'm not speaking to my siblings, either, so, er, umm.

Ex-husband??????!!!!
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I've been going through my own estate plan documents, since I have a call tomorrow with my attorney about updating them. She says there's legal changes that make it necessary, but looking at the documents I realize that there's a lot of other changes in the 5 years since the last update that we need to adjust for.

Brother was never named in any of my plans, but with mom gone and dad fast heading for incompetence, it hit me the other day that he will be legal "next of kin". I'm hoping we can write something into the updated legal docs to specifically exclude him from having any involvement if something happens to me.
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Mallory, we had a similar situation with my mom a year ago. By the time she transitioned from "rehab" (a ridiculous notion under the circumstances) to hospice, she was bedridden, on a thick-liquid diet, and slipping in and out of consciousness. It was me and my 85 year old dad who had fractured his back a few weeks earlier trying to lift her the first time she fell. I am glad the question of taking her home was treated as perfunctory--there is NO WAY I could have given her the quality of care that a professional staff could provide.

As for brother, he finally made an appearance after I got really nasty on the phone, she was asking for him and he was telling me he couldn't come for a few more days because he had to do laundry and take the cat to the vet! Oh boy did I let him have it. He is useless, and a pain in my a** to boot.

Do you have an attorney helping with mom's estate? It sounds like time for one, if only to have them send siblings a letter telling them to expect a nice long wait for things to be settled "properly". Then block their numbers on your phone, delete the emails unread, and spend some time taking care of yourself.
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A cruise sounds so nice. Yall ought to go...Lord knows you all deserve it...
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Tonight the brother called and I was discussing the A/C with him as I think it needs a tune up. He began telling me, have you vacuumed out the returns have you done this, have you done that...and kept on with all the stuff that could happen if none of the above had been done. I told him, I am handling it...please don't tell me anything else that reminds me of how I might blow up, be electrocuted or burn up tonight..My headache is doing me in and I can't handle anymore..then I told him, and while I'm at it, just letting you know I'm packing up Mama's stuff and sending her on a little respite next week beginning Monday. I told him I am to a point I am about to have a nervous breakdown otherwise...then I told him that as much as I know she can't help it, he does not have a clue how difficult this is day in/ day out..no change/ four walls closing in/ nothing but blank stares, tons of poop, and ended it with "so there you go, just so you know"....he didn't have much to say but said he didn't blame me, he thought I needed a break and he knew it was hard...well, h*ll no he doesn't come close to having a clue but at least I let him know I am at the end of the rope and the knot has rotted off and I am sliding on off....I'm not hiding it anymore...I'm tired of people thinking I am sitting here watching love movies and eating bon bons... I don't even like love movies...or bon bons
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Jeanette its been so long since I had any fun I don't think I know how anymore.

I remember I used to laugh all the time. In school I used to get in trouble for making the other kids laugh. They used to pull my desk away from the other kids so I wouldn't disrupt them. LOL

I hope I can get back to that person one day.

On another note, my answering machine was blinking today and for just a second I thought "Oh maybe, its Mom" :(
I hate it when things like that happen.

Jeanette Cancun sounds great.
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I haven't had a good night sleep in over 8 weeks because of my shoulder... and tonight I feel like I could finally doze off but what do I hear off in the far horizon? A thunder storm..... oh, thanks :P
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I'm in Jeanette!! After my Dad passed I was so busy getting his stuff finalized for Mom that I never really had time to get upset about it. And now she is still here, and will be. But she is a different sort of stress as she is alert and mostly still sharp. So I was able to relax on some levels.. but it is still stress! And hubs folks are going into a big decline, although the BIL and his wife have taken them on for the most part. I would love to just be able to go to the rec room and veg out with a good historical or horror movie... but Mom is there with her cooking shows and I know she won't llike what I am watching... I am lucky that I have friends who get what I am going through.. but I have 2 girls trips comming up and I can not wait!!
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CountyMouse, too bad those of us who hide away in our homes [I do that most of the time] couldn't hologram ourselves and meet at a central location to chat with each other :)
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Gershun, we need to go on vacation. I keep getting these fantastic deals for Cancun and other such fun places for a 1/3 of the cost... these are all inclusive, drinks, meals and non motor activities, like kayaking and snorkeling... oh, this is 6 nights 7 days.... less than 800 bucks....
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**I recognise that I am isolating myself. I'm avoiding people, and not going out, and not wanting to see or talk to anyone. I want structure, and some sense of accomplishment, and a purpose in life, and I need the money for goodness' sake.**

For what it's worth CM, I am doing the very same thing. For now, I am okay with it, I find I enjoy myself and the mindless puttering around the house and yard. Believe it or not, ones mind needs to "CLEAR" after many years of caregiving, why? Well, it's a strange whole new world out there...so just take your time, keep breathing.... what will be, will be. Right??

On that note :)... I harvested 12 nice banana peppers from my two plants today, promptly pickled and canned them! I'm getting too good at this garden/homebody stuff :)
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Intense introspection is all I've been doing for (Jeez I don't know how long)

Maybe what they mean is you need to start focusing on your own needs, wants, desires because you've been a caregiver for so long.

I know I need a job, hobby, outlet of some sort too. I'm tired of being with myself and my thoughts. Trouble is getting a job when you've been out of the workforce for a while is tough too. I get depressed just thinking of it.

Time for some more mind numbing intensive introspection.........:) Maybe I'll pop another antidepressant while I'm at it.
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What works for me when I get poison ivy is a dip in the neighbors clorinated pool. I guess it drys it out! And I love a HOT bath.. itches at first then so much better!
Mouse.. maybe the Dr felt you would be less isolated and make a friend or two! But I imagine this sort of retreat would be expensive! Maybe you can find something more to your likeing? The idea seems fine, and maybe sort of fun!
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Well this is timely for you, Hope - my new expletive from today is… fog banks. "Ohhwww - fog banks!" I will be going around saying.

To explain. I was just listening to the late night shipping forecast, a ritual that many insomniacs will be familiar with, and the presenter kept coming up with this new feature. Apparently it's the combined warmth and humidity of our weather, which we don't often get at the same time, that has led to broad swathes of thick fog around the coast. So as the announcer went from Fisher to Dogger to German Bight, each area was concluding "… westerly veering north westerly. 5 miles. Poor or very poor. Fog banks!" for all the world as if he was sympathising with the poor fisherman who have to negotiate their way through this.

You possibly have to hear it to get it. But the other pathetic fallacy that they come up with much more regularly is the general outlook, when quite often it will say that "an area of high pressure, drifting slowly north east and losing its identity." I know just how it feels.

I was actually going to whine about my GP. I went to see her yesterday, mainly I admit on the grounds that I couldn't say she wouldn't be any help if I hadn't tried, and on reflection I've been getting crosser and crosser about it all day.

GP feels that I am burnt out and should not be attempting to find a job right now. She feels that I should go on a mindfulness retreat, and helpfully jotted down the name and number of a lady she knows who runs one. It's on an isolated Welsh hillside, and apparently isn't mainly aimed at patients - it's mainly for health care professionals who are stressed out by working in the NHS.

I went to have a look at it online when I got home. Ohgawdblimey. Whole circles of middle aged ladies all learning to be in the moment so that the thoughts that are - I quote, sic - clambering for their attention don't overwhelm then.

Clambering, indeed. Tchah. Clamouring, for heaven's sake! Though I quite like the mental picture of clambering thoughts, like hyperactive toddlers, and just as apt to give you a thumping headache.

But never mind the pedantry. Hang on a minute. I went to see GP because - thanking God for the forum again, or it would be much worse - I recognise that I am isolating myself. I'm avoiding people, and not going out, and not wanting to see or talk to anyone. I want structure, and some sense of accomplishment, and a purpose in life, and I need the money for goodness' sake.

And she thinks that what I could really do with is a week's intensive introspection?
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I really admire those of you caring for a loved one with dementia or alzeimers.I believe God knew I didnt have the patience and gave me a Mother with fragile bones and blood clots,etc. instead.I am so blessed that she still has her mind!And I am so thankful.But I am sorry to you all that have to deal with it.
My Mother cant hear anymore at all and its super frustrating to me.Ive cried about it and screamed about it but I have to remember she cant help it.That takes alot of patience for me and its depressing because weve always talked about EVERTHING.Its hard for sure.
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Hope make yourself a cup of tea or whatever your drink of choice is and sit down and try to clear your mind of any thoughts. Call it meditation or whatever but you need to relax. Even for just ten minutes. Do this every day (at least twice a day). Think of it as a reboot.
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As one of the stragglers when it comes to continually denying I need respite every so often..I made the grave mistake of not arranging it sooner. I am totally on board right now with it for next week. Just hope I can hold on that long....I think I am as close to being crazy as I have ever been in my life.

Gershun, I am thankful that your Mom did know you til the end. That is a blessing. These cold blank stares and no emotion are destroying me, mentally and physically. It feel like she is goine already, but I am stuck in limbo. It has largely felt that way for a year now. If one more person (other than those on this site obviously) tells me they know what it's like I am like to slap the **** right out of them...I noticed I got dinged a lot today...sorry admins...I will try to be more mindful of the ugly words...that alone shows I am over the edge.....I am so worn down right now I feel like I am the one who is dying.
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57twin....I also find that washing the infected area with Fels Naptha laundry soap dries the rash out and curbs the itching. A friend that lives on a farm taught me that trick and it is lots cheaper than the poison ivy washes they sell at the drug store and works even better!
Freqflyer....the hair dryer trick is interesting and I will try that next time I get it, which will probably be soon as I am so susceptable to poison ivy and oak. I imagine the dry air dries the rash out.
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Fortunately for me my Mom always knew who I was. I couldn't of taken it if she didn't recognize me.

Hope you sound like you are heading for a breakdown. You get that respite care ASAP. As far as your family. I know that feeling. The only good that has come out of my Mom's death is I don't need to think about what they did or didn't do to help me anymore. Thats over for good.
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Sorry, been AWOL for a bit.

Jeanette - Mom's party was last Sunday, the 5th. I posted about it, but the post probably go buried, so you might have missed it. It went well. Unfortunately, my darling daughter posted pics from it on FB today and I saw myself as I truly am. Fat and unhealthy. I knew I was, but hollleeee crap, what a wake up call. I've already gotten myself back on track since Mom went into the NH, but I have a long way to go. I'm posting that d*mn pic on the fridge, along with some inspirational quotes and other pics so I can remind myself what I'm working for. I see that picture of me sitting next to Mom at her party and see myself being in her shoes in rather short order if I don't take care of things right now.

Mom's doctor finally approved Zoloft for her. We'll see how that goes. She was on a sleeping pill, but it got d/c'd due to a drug interaction and no one told me - no wonder she wasn't sleeping. So that starts tomorrow. Dementia eval can't be done until the first week of August when the psychologist comes in. Good thing she's not suicidal, right? Sheesh.

She's not extraordinarily happy with her roommate - they put her in with a woman they said really likes to talk, but she's also been in the hospital for a couple of weeks with a severe infection and has a colostomy bag and catheter. So you walk into the room and are hit by a wave of heat (2 oxygen condensers in the room) plus a horrible odor. Not a great combination. And apparently the roommate objects to Mom having the tv on at night when she wakes up a few times a night - she demanded that Mom turn it off, so now Mom feels bullied. (sigh) She asked if I could have her moved again, but I told her that the only other choice is to put her in a room alone, because there's no one else without a roommate other than the 98-year-old across the hall that she was in with before. So she's staying put for now. I hope it works out.
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Lots of good info on this site. Sad that some of you all are going thru the same stuff with your loved one that Mommy is going thru. The pooping stopped last night. Now I'll worry about constipation! Haha, always something. She is so weak and still little bites. Not ever drinking enough water. Still trying to stay in bed all the time. I had a day of respite last Thursday. It helped me a lot. Now I'm getting tired again. Doctor visit Thursday @ 1pm. I love to read the posts, then I don't feel so alone. Love you all, hugs! My husband had a difficult day yesterday and today with his dementia. Wanting to be bossy and hateful; Thank GOD he is sleeping now. Let the beast sleep and when he wakes up he will be nice.
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57twin, what worked for me anytime I got poison ivy was blowing the hot air from a hair blow dryer on the rash [without lotion], waving it back and forth... I kid you not, it will stop the itch for hours.... oh my gosh, that felt so good.... get it as hot as you can stand it. Also works on mosquito bites :)
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Hope, you need to get that respite going ASAP!!! You feeling this way isn't good. Not good at all. DO IT NOW !

57twin, yes those blank stares are painful indeed. Sorry you're experiencing this. Dementia/AD just sucks. Sucks the life right out of all those involved.

My mother never knew who I was. Even when I first got here almost 3 years ago. All she knew ( after she got over me being my dad's new g/f) daddy had promised her someone would take care of her, well I was that someone. On the bright side though, I became her bestie and she mine, I was her protector and comfort, I was the one and only person who loved her, stayed with her to the final breath. oh God... I just made myself tremendously sad...again.
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ouch...sorry twin....as one who can just look at a poison ivy leaf and be eaten aive..I feel for you. One thing I have found to be helpful provided you can jump on it fast enough is to take a benedryl and tagamet...just the OTC stuff.....my nurse told me that a while back and one of the doctors told her...I have tried it and it does help lessen the severity of the stuff...I bought a big old think of underbrush and poison oak and ivy killer and have been meaning to get down there and try to get rid of it because I have tried my best to do it for the past three years without using those kinds of things but it is not working and something's gotta give..the last time I headed down there I thought I caught the sound of a rattlesnake and so I decided I would drift back up the hill ..

I hope your Dad is better. It is so hurtful to be on the receiving end of those stare looks..I have seen those a lot the past few days. I have been in there talking to Mama just hoping she hears me, but she just looks at me..so blank..no emotion. and then I start drifting back and I have to literally say STOP out loud to myself...it hurts too much right now to remember those things...knowing they are forever gone....
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My whine for the day is evidently I must have come in with poison/ivy/oak/sumac somehow and somewhere Satuday. A 10" long rash line from back of left bicep to back. ITCHY!
Stopped at dads this morning as I caught up his checkout and see that I haven't deposited into his petty cash for a while. Sitting in living room and didn't want to do walking club-he hasn't done much of walking club this month at all. :(
Nurse said he feet look better-he has athletes foot quite bad.
Stopped back after errands he just got done eating lunch and said he wanted to go home to W.........hopefully distracted as I told him I was waiting for someone to come and get something at my house-true but that's not happening until later.
But both times today he looked at me with a blank stare that he didn't know who I was.
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Gospelgirl of course you came here for sympathy. Why do you think others are on this particular thread if not for the same reason.
We share our everyday thoughts,feelings and difficulties.
We know Hope is wearing herself out caring for Mama and dreading the day she leaves this earth. But we also know what a beautiful person she is and how lovingly she cares for her animals and we all feel sad when one of her fur babies does not come home. If we don't care for someone or the things they say we just don't read their posts it is that simple. We all have many friends on this site. Who knows how we would get on together in person. it might just be one big cat fight who knows or we would gather into a huge hugs and cry our eyes out. There would be lots of cries about "|You don't sound at all the way you look" But it would not matter because we never knew each other in real life when we were young and beautiful. One thing I hate about reunions and the reason I don't go is because I like to remember the people of my youth as they were then.
So Gospelgirl don't stay away because of unkind remark you need to vent and this is the only place some people have to do it. There are plentu of hugs and love to go around.
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