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You know...the whole thing of letting the brother know the whole "verge of a nervous breakdown" thing....at every single time when I have attempted to have that conversation with him...he always and I do mean always opens up his side of the conversation with "maybe if you'd stop feeling sorry for yourself"...I can tell you today is not the day he or anyone else would want to use on me...

There is a time coming when I already know I am going to be alone..alone on holidays, absent from all the family reunions...absent from all the funerals, folks in hospitals....not from the folks who have been here, but the ones who haven't so that's pretty much all of them.....

I can hear them all now, wonder what is wrong with her...she's always been a weirdo...let them talk....because I will be home or at some remote location of MY choosing, enjoy the peace and tranquility of knowing that I did what should have done...and I can live with it....let them say the same. My absence will say a LOT more to that bunch of yahoos than anything verbal I could ever say.
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Amen everybody! I am enjoying envisioning kicking a lot of butts across the front yard today....Kind of using the side of my foot so as to lift them aloft into the air....tired of their crap, tired of their grandiose "our life is so great you pitiful little caregiver sort"....what is it about people that seem to think we're pathetic??? because that is exactly what I have been noticing...I'm not pitiful...I'm powerful..and I 'm d*mn tired of taking their crap.....
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Hope, I have been in that mood too....I don't want to be manipulated or bragged at etc. because people wrongly see me as vulnerable because I am caregiving. What they don't realize is that this experience of difficult caregiving has made us much stronger in many ways that they will never be, and at some point they will realize just how strong we are which means we won't take their nonsense and manipulations anymore. I hope you can get that respite time soon... you deserve it!
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Gospelgirl, We all deserve some sympathy and understanding for all we are doing for our loved ones. It is a challenge that we are faced with each day in one way or another, and most of the time things spring on us out of nowhere that we must deal with. We as caregivers are amazing people for all we do. Sometimes our whine moments are small and sometimes they are all encompassing, but they are things that are important to us and that is why we all post on here. Please don't feel like you cannot vent. We all understand each other more than most others understand us because we are going through the same thing.
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Hope22, girl, you are on fire this AM! Get it all out, scream to the world, you are tired of being everybody's punching bag! You've clearly reached your breaking point and its time for that respite time! I would communicate this to your brother though, are you sure he is seeing this? He needs to come over STAT, so that you can have a "break" if only some time to set up your respite and to pack! Don't give him a way out of it, tell him you are in crisis and you are crumbling. I do hope you make something happen today, I'm so worried about you! Keep us posted, but I love your Daffy Duck analogy! Hang in there!
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Something has woke up the crazy in me today....but does anyone remember that cartoon character, Daffy Duck??? Remember those crazy fits her would have and he'd start bouncing all over the place and waving his arms around (because cartoon ducks have arms)...any way...just thinking about my cousin recently mentioning ...again....that when Mama was no longer here, that SHE would be and we could be together...oh H*LL no......and I pictured me being Daffy Duck and bouncing off over the hill making that crazy sound he makes.....oh hell no....no no no no......not even in your wildest dreams....noooooooooooooooo
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OK my thoughts are coming to me in waves of brain farts this morning, but regarding the offering of and receiving of "help" from the low life do wells out there...

Why is it that if you need help and you say,, "Hey, it'd be great if you could do A" that the person who says...let me know if you need anything wants to do anything BUT what you asked them to do???? That in a nutshell is why I don't ask folks for anything anymore..because they NEVER do what you NEED them to, they do what they want to do and it is always something that makes it harder on me...so to h*ll with them.
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I just got me a cup of coffee and was sitting here thinking...which is not necessarily a good thing for the rest of the world....but I get this recurring thought that when the sad day arises that Mama goes home.....I just can almost see myself holding my head high and drifting over to my vehicular unit, turning around to the onlookers and giving them all the middle finger salute and yelling at the top of my lungs...NOW YOU MAY ALL KMA.........(little truck fades into the sunset and the curtain falls)
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Gospelgirl....oh my....first of all I will say I am so sorry you are having to go through all those feelings.

Today may be the wrong day for me to be on here because a lot of things you said are things I have been thinking this very morning. I seem to have a knack for being the catch all "it's her fault" when things don't go the way others think they ought. I have become a lot better at ignoring all of them these days, because of one major thing...they're all full of wisdom and advice about what ought to be done, how it ought to be done and when it ought to be done...but oddly enough not one stinking one of them DO a d*mn thing.

They can all KMA

I have just sat down from a morning of cleaning up another one of those horrific messes, and I know it is absolutely beyond her control...but dear Lord in heaven, if anything every solidified it for me, I KNOW I have got to do the respite thing...so I am letting our nurse know TODAY, I'm not waiting til tomorrow...that it's all systems go. I can feel it in my bones, I'm about to break.

None of it is Mama's fault...None of it...But right at this moment, if I have to clean up one more of these overflowing foul messes with a migraine headache while getting texts and phone calls about what everyone else is doing this summer and here' s a picture of our new landscaping...isn't it gorgeous...we'd come to give you a break, but it's hot...blah, blah, blah.....again ...all you former family and friends...yall can all KMA....

I feel beaten up, worn out, fed up, madder than all hell, and you know who I'm the angriest at??? ME, MYSELF AND I. I am absolutely aware that I chose to do this. It is on me..I accept that and am honestly NOT meaning to complain about caring for Mama...but if I could get my foot back there I would kick my own ass for allowing the useless, mouthy, good for nothing judgemental jerks to come into MY home in any form, whether it be in person, by texts, by phone, and assert they valuable wealth of knowledge that all totalled couldn't buy a cup of cheap coffee.

My new motto is going to be those who can do and those who can't or won't need to shut the h*ll up.
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One thing I forgot. ..A new argument lately is about her care...I don't apparently take my time when (washing her up, doing her laundry, cooking for her...just insert any tasks here). I may not do a job exactly like the way she did it, and that's a big deal to her.
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Hi everyone. I haven't posted here in a long while because some people were saying that I was only trying to get sympathy, and also I felt that I may have angered or offended them in my posts.But I came back because I have no one else to talk to that also understands what I am going through. SO, here goes. I am just tired of being blamed for every little thing , being yelled at (BUT, I can't yell back in response because she will say that something is wrong with me and I need to see a therapist! ) She said that since she got sick, everything in the house is broken and I don't know what I'm doing. BIG pet peeve here: We make up the grocery list two or three days in advance and double check it before I leave. While I'm in the store, she calls several times asking if I am finished yet, or reminding me to get Brand X of peas or whatever. Once home, there is the"what took you so long" speech followed by "did you get. .." after naming everything that I was supposed to get. Then she will ask if I got something that was not on the list and not.mentioned in the phone call. How was I to know she wanted it, but it is now my fault because I forgot. And that item is the "main" thing she needs for Sunday dinner. Which leads to an argument over why I can't remember anything.
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Mallory, You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please do not feel guilty about not being able to move your Mom. It takes time to set up a move..sometimes the equipment does not even come on time,(we had a hospital bed come a day late once), and it was better for your Mom not to be moved. That could have been too traumatic so you did the right thing by keeping her where there were nurses round the clock. Sometimes these things happen so fast and it was right to keep her in place at that point.
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Oh maloryg8r, my he art goes out to you right now, nothing seems right right now! I known you did all the right things in the circumstances and tell your greedy siblings that you are grieving the loss of your Mom right now, so back off! Mom's thing's will be distributed to her wishes when you've had the time to pay everything her bills, done her taxes and frankly have the time. You have 6 mo to a year to get all that done, and you will contact them all when you're ready. They sound incredibly insensitive and greedy. You take care of you for a change! Good luck and God bless, and im so sorry for your loss!
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Mom still has UTI and is still experiencing burning because she refuses to drink Cranberry juice. Last night I asked her if it made her stomach upset or gave her diarrhea, but she said no and that was it. It frustrated me because it makes no sense because it will help the burning which is her main complaint. This morning I had to get serious and say it is unreasonable and worries me that she won't drink it. She laughed and said, I am not losing my mind, I will drink it if you want me to!
We see the Dr tomorrow again and have to give another urine sample and wait again because the lab was unable to process the sample! Greer!
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Mallory, first of all let me say that God knows everything and he is the only one who does. Perhaps they were right. Perhaps the move may have been too much, you won't know because you listened to the professionals, and perhaps she lived longer because you did. Your husband is right they are rotten siblings. That is one of the things I almost concerned about, dealing with the rotten siblings. My mom help me dispose of many of her things before she moved. We used to joke that if I had to go through all her stuff, it would kill me. For a year and a half, we spent a day every weekend and went through it trying to decide ifsomeonewould like it or just donate it. I packed up her China and told one of my nieces we decided that she was the only one who would probably not inherit China from their own mother, she could have Grandma's. It took a long time and a lot of effort because I packed it the way my aunt packed my grandmother's China for me and shipped it from NJ to FL. Fortunately we did not ship it. Her parents came from GA to get it and a few other things. My mom asked everyone if there was anything that they wanted, that they should let her know and come and get it. This will ease me from having to see the sibs descending like they did the day of my MIL funeral after promising that they wouldn't fight over the will! My husband asked me if there was anything I wanted and I said to keep our promise to Mom. We sat back and let the other two fight like hyenas and slept with clean consciences because there is no amount of money or material things that will make you feel loved. Interesting thing happened several years after my MIL passed and the threats of lawsuits and the power plays were over, my SIL disappeared after divorcing her hubby. We discovered this when a manager of a storage facility from another state called us to tell us that her things would be going up for auction if no one stepped up to pay her bill. He had found my husband'sname in some paperwork and called us. We referred him to the other sib who had fought so ruthlessly and that stuff did go to auction. Maybe they learned that things don't have that much value after all.
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My mom died in June, after short illness, and up until the last few days it looked like she would be coming home......I feel so guilty that I did not manage to get her back to her home, but the logistics of setting up hospice at home, took about 48 hrs (in our city) and the doctor thought she would be gone before then, and the social worker too said, it's too much to get it all set up and she will most likely be gone and/or the stress of the ambulance ride would be too much for her. Well, after being with no sleep and hearing the pro's tell me, just keep her here where the RN'S are, of course I kept her there instead of "going home". HOW exactly was I supposed to perform the every 2 hours turn & diaper change (which I had never done for her ever, and had always told her, I draw the line at changing diapers ). I could NOT move her home, and all the pro's told me, don't do it. Buy now that she's dead, I get the calls or email from siblings "why didn't you take her home " like a Royal Guilt Trip!!! Oh my. I really don't need the guilt. My husband says, just don't listen to your (rotten) siblings. They either complain to me about how.mom died (as if I myself had anything to do with the Good Lord's ultimate schedule), or they are wanting to know when they get their check, or when they can stop by and unload some of her furniture (but they never wanted to stop by and take THEIR OWN MOTHER out for lunch). Sigh. I am missing her terrible awful, every day I used to call her after my morning coffee. Now, I drink my coffee and some more, and it just doesn't taste good and I have No One to talk to aanymore. And the siblings who hardly talked to me, now are "talking" but they aren't SAYING anything except "gimme gimmee". And for Christmas we will have to have dinner at our own house on melamine plates (because my brother gets the China, not me....even though I have washed it by hand for over 30 years, without him ever coming during any of those 30 Christmases). I guess it is time for me to shop at someone else's Estate Sale, and buy a set of China, and make a NEW family memory, a new set of China.....maybe u get lucky and find my mom's same China pattern at someone else's Estate.
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Thanks so much Gershun...I love yall too! It is really odd but once I talked a long time with the chaplain the other day and just told him what was eating at me, keeping me stressed, etc. and he was much more receptive and understanding than I anticipated and instead of giving me a "by the book" answer ie one size fits all...instead he was very kind, let me know that while I wanted to forgive that I did not owe anyone any apologies and that I had a lot of folks on my side...It kind of validated me in a way...and your saying that means so much...for years now I have felt almost invisible..and folks have seemingly gone out of their way to hurt my feelings (family I'm talking about here) and I have understood none of it...but I'm moving on...but the last couple of days have been much better mentally for me. Mama is not doing so great today either but she looks comfortable and I have gotten her all settled for the night...

Much to my delight, the cats came in tonight without my having to chase them. I think the heat and humidity is getting to them too....So I will get to get in bed at a decent hour for a change...

Thank you all for listening to me...I wish I could remember exactly what the chaplain told me Saturday but he is an ex military guy and it was something to the effect of " God doesn't send just anyone to be a caregiver, he chooses the best" ...I really liked that...Hope you all have a restful night...
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Hope you know hearing you talk about your Mom and saying goodbye reminds me of my last days with my Mom. No one knew when the time would come. Every day at the hospital they kept saying "oh probably today or tomorrow". I finally decided I had said good bye and instead I should just sit with her and stroke her head and tell her I love you.

You are right. No one knows when we will go. I hope you don't go soon though Hope. We all love you on here. ((((hugs))))
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Thanks Katie...you know, I have had a lot of horrid encounters with mean and nasty adults when I was little but maybe in some way because they were so hateful, it made me vow to not make people feel that way...

Saying goodbye to folks...I don't think I can or will say it again...I have talked with Mama so many times on the topic because we have come so close to losing her so many times and now I just sit there and touch her face or sing to her...we laugh, enjoy being together, when she can't laugh or doesn't respond, I just pretend she does and lay my head beside her on the bed..sometimes I will feel her lean over and into me...I'm not going to say goodbye anymore...I'm going to wait and say "Hello" when she meets me in Heaven...and oh I do believe....with everything in me I believe....

And who knows, it may be me who goes first...we don't really know..only God knows when "our" time will be and in the interim I have been focusing so much on losing her I am missing out on just relishing each and every one of these little moments...so I'm going to try to hang onto those
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Hello all. I tried to read some posts will away but the tablet I bought is horrible and first thing tomorrow it will be going back. Will have to catch up later but I know much has happened this past week.
Not much went well with the trip, family or service. The service itself was not bad but it was nothing like my mom wanted. I didn't want to start arguments so I just let things slide. Everyone seemed to be doing whatever they wanted. I am surprised it went as well as it did. I could write a mini series on what happened so I will have to wait until later.
I did have some Malley's Chocolate Candy while I was there as a comfort food and it sure hit the spot.
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MAN!!!You guys are something else to care so much about me,a perfect stranger and you "Get It" and no one else does really.Thank you,Thank You,Thank you!
Tonite,I am wondering why now?In the middle of summer and just before her 86th birthday....
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I meant to say, don't be afraid to say goodbye, they, well most of the folks we are here care giving for, are elderly, more often tired and elderly, and have lived their lives, and would want for us to go on, catch up on, and enjoy our own lives. And IF there is a chance that there IS a life ever after in some magnificent place such as Heaven? Well sign me up, and I'll see you there, Cause I deserve it as I'm a d*mn good person! And so are You!
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Regaeding saying goodbye, or giving your loved one permissiom to let go, My story goes like this: Most of you know that I come from 2 loving Welsh parents and have 5 close siblings, my parents had a very happy nearly 60 year marriage, and I know in that I am extremely lucky! My Dad had a very rare disease called PSP- Progressive Supranucular Palsy, , which is has simular sx of Parkinson's, but doesn't respond to Parkinson's drugs. He had sx for about 5 years before the dx, and lived about 10 years with it. In the last 3 or so year's, he had difficulty swallowing, but he was such an incredible lover of food! That part was so sad as he really got so much enjoyment out of it, it made us all happy, our whole lives, isn't that funny, anyways, lol, he also had movement disorder, not so much the tremors, but the bending forward and falling, ots of falling, he also had a wide eyed stare, and troubles with quiet strained speech, resulting from the inability to have deep inspiration, and exhalation. That part was extremely sad as Dad had the most beautiful voice, and command of the English language, he was a master public speaker, a most eloquent speech writer and toast maker, so to loose his ability to speak m hurt his pride, and he was a prideful man. I really Loved my Dad! In the last couple of years of his life, he had inspiration Pneumania and he was really failing then my Mom was dx'd with Uterine Ca, which was surgically removed, and the decision was made the she would need Radiation therapy, when she had healed. Atvthat moment, I BELIEVE, my Dad gave up his long fought battle against that hideous disease, so that our focus would be in helping our Mom. Even with 6 of us, there lives were controlled by poor health, health care ans suffering. He gave in to it for her, as he new that she would need each and everyone of us to help her fight for her life, and he did, and we did, but that's not ultimately what SHE wanted, as in the 10 mo. Fight, battling her Cancer, and the 6 mo of hospice care , all she really wanted, was to be with him, in Heaven. So we all struggled with our own goodbyes, me with my longwinded googbye letter, but I dis ask her to send me a sign, we all unknowingly asked her that, and she did , in the form of a beautiful cloud, the day she died, we took her well wish flowers to our fathers grave, and a gorgeous cloud in the form of 2 flower petals overlapping up on the hill, and that eerie feeling came over us, and kind of in unison we said "it's them together at last" and that's my longwinded happy goodbye story.
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I was so excited because I got an respite care grant. My mom was more concerned about herself then me getting a break. She thinks that I just want to leave her even though I am with her 24/7 everyday all day. This dementia is evil and a very selfish disease. I am going to take my break and thank God for it.
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Hope, shame on that awful woman for slapping your hand for no good reason. People like that usually end up having something bad happen to them because they are this way. She is every example of what is wrong with some people. Once when I was in second grade a bratty girl stole my change purse...I went to the teacher and this sad excuse for an educator said to me in a loud nasty tone "Well what do you want me to do about it?" This was the teacher that was supposed to deal with things in her classroom. I never forgot this and vowed to never treat any one this way that needed help. I created in my mind as a child a special category for dumb adults and your red lipsticked lady is in that box too now!
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Lu honey it is NEVER too late to tell your Mum it is okay and that you will be OK. Mum is losing quite a lot of weight 30 pounds in the last year or so and I noticed today the skin over her shins is really really thin. It's still perfectly moisturised because that's something I am really careful about but she looked so frail. She is ready to die but the god Lord is making her wait a while yet. So I told her He will call when he wants you Mum and we are both ready for His call...It will wonderful for you to be with Dad again and with xxxxx (a child she had and lost soon after birth due to a heart defect). I will miss you enormously but I will know you are there waiting for me

I don't believe but she does and it is the least I can do
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willows....awww how sweet...the little girl today after I apologized to her..she said, that's ok, I know you're tired, you had a right to be mad at me....bless her heart....true I was tired...and it was the reason I snapped but I don't think there's ever an excuse for bad behavior on my part....I remember one time our school class had gone on a field trip and we were lined up to go in this cavern where it was important for us to stay in line and connected to one another. I was so excited about that trip...There was some mother who had gone as an escort and because her daughter wanted to get in front of me...no reason, she just wanted to break line...her mother slapped the fire out of my little hand....then she told me, do you not have any manners? It almost killed me...I was embarrassed, didn't have a clue what I did wrong, just remember that old ugly hateful face and that slap on my hand...Needless to say she never apologized and I still remember to this day that old hateful womans face.....her daughter was one of those little bratty types who always got everything she wanted so I guess she wanted to be ahead of me..who knows...I just know I still remember that old hateful woman's face and her horrid red lipstick....she sure left me with a lasting impression of how adults should NOT behave....
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Hope22, you are right on the money. Although I wasn't a perfect mother, I always did the one thing that I thought was very important. I never failed to apologize to my children when I felt I owed them an apology. Once I recall I said to my oldest son, "I'm sorry I didn't give you permission to go play down the street. I didn't even have a reason to forbid you from going. I am very sorry." He responded, "That's okay, mom, we all make mistakes." :)
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lucky, I wonder what the runny bm means as my Mom also has had this the last 2 days. I can't understand that she eats so little and has so much of that and where all that comes from. I did not feed her anything different than usual and she is eating less. It sounds like your Mom, Hope's Mom, and mine are kind of in the same condition of being bedridden with this problem among many other health issues. I am trying the sticky white rice to help with the problem, but sometimes it works and other times it does not. For some reason I am also so exhausted today and feel like I could sleep for days!
Susan, don't feel guilty. You have done and are doing the best you can. It is also ok for any of you doing so to have a respite stay, as this can be a vacation for your loved ones too, and it is only for a few days so for anyone doing this, please get that rest and enjoy the chance to recharge your batteries!
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I think it has been the hottest day so far today.it is stifling...thank goodness I got the front yard looking so good. I need to work in the back but may not happen today although the back at least is somewhat shaded so not as bad....made a quick run to the dollar store for the stuff I had to have because I hate putting it off then having to make the run late....I made myself get up and get dressed today..including makeup...I almost didn't recognize myself...

On a happy note, this morning my little neighbor child saw me out changing the water in the cats bowls and called to me. she came down the hill and I told her I was sorry I was cross with her the other day. That has really bothered me, and I had prayed about it...one of my friends told me I should never apologize to a child, but my Mama told me you should always aplogize when you know you have hurt someone..I think I'm listening to Mama on that one. I remember when I was a little girl...if a grownup got angry at me it just hurt me to the core...but rarely did they ever apologize.it would have meant a lot to me if they had done so...I think for kids to grow up right they need to see that when adults to make mistakes that we too, need to make it right....I know I feel a lot better...she was happy and off on her merry way.....I'm going to try to watch myself and not let being tired cause me to snap at folks...
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