I'm tired of cooking/preparing 3 meals a day. It's just the two of us but boy oh boy can that woman eat!! She stays slimish, I get fattish. It's bad enough I do everything here much less start making her one thing and me the other. At times I feel guilty when I buy her fast food cuz of the nutritional value....not to mention I eat it too.
There is a time coming when I already know I am going to be alone..alone on holidays, absent from all the family reunions...absent from all the funerals, folks in hospitals....not from the folks who have been here, but the ones who haven't so that's pretty much all of them.....
I can hear them all now, wonder what is wrong with her...she's always been a weirdo...let them talk....because I will be home or at some remote location of MY choosing, enjoy the peace and tranquility of knowing that I did what should have done...and I can live with it....let them say the same. My absence will say a LOT more to that bunch of yahoos than anything verbal I could ever say.
Why is it that if you need help and you say,, "Hey, it'd be great if you could do A" that the person who says...let me know if you need anything wants to do anything BUT what you asked them to do???? That in a nutshell is why I don't ask folks for anything anymore..because they NEVER do what you NEED them to, they do what they want to do and it is always something that makes it harder on me...so to h*ll with them.
Today may be the wrong day for me to be on here because a lot of things you said are things I have been thinking this very morning. I seem to have a knack for being the catch all "it's her fault" when things don't go the way others think they ought. I have become a lot better at ignoring all of them these days, because of one major thing...they're all full of wisdom and advice about what ought to be done, how it ought to be done and when it ought to be done...but oddly enough not one stinking one of them DO a d*mn thing.
They can all KMA
I have just sat down from a morning of cleaning up another one of those horrific messes, and I know it is absolutely beyond her control...but dear Lord in heaven, if anything every solidified it for me, I KNOW I have got to do the respite thing...so I am letting our nurse know TODAY, I'm not waiting til tomorrow...that it's all systems go. I can feel it in my bones, I'm about to break.
None of it is Mama's fault...None of it...But right at this moment, if I have to clean up one more of these overflowing foul messes with a migraine headache while getting texts and phone calls about what everyone else is doing this summer and here' s a picture of our new landscaping...isn't it gorgeous...we'd come to give you a break, but it's hot...blah, blah, blah.....again ...all you former family and friends...yall can all KMA....
I feel beaten up, worn out, fed up, madder than all hell, and you know who I'm the angriest at??? ME, MYSELF AND I. I am absolutely aware that I chose to do this. It is on me..I accept that and am honestly NOT meaning to complain about caring for Mama...but if I could get my foot back there I would kick my own ass for allowing the useless, mouthy, good for nothing judgemental jerks to come into MY home in any form, whether it be in person, by texts, by phone, and assert they valuable wealth of knowledge that all totalled couldn't buy a cup of cheap coffee.
My new motto is going to be those who can do and those who can't or won't need to shut the h*ll up.
We see the Dr tomorrow again and have to give another urine sample and wait again because the lab was unable to process the sample! Greer!
Much to my delight, the cats came in tonight without my having to chase them. I think the heat and humidity is getting to them too....So I will get to get in bed at a decent hour for a change...
Thank you all for listening to me...I wish I could remember exactly what the chaplain told me Saturday but he is an ex military guy and it was something to the effect of " God doesn't send just anyone to be a caregiver, he chooses the best" ...I really liked that...Hope you all have a restful night...
You are right. No one knows when we will go. I hope you don't go soon though Hope. We all love you on here. ((((hugs))))
Saying goodbye to folks...I don't think I can or will say it again...I have talked with Mama so many times on the topic because we have come so close to losing her so many times and now I just sit there and touch her face or sing to her...we laugh, enjoy being together, when she can't laugh or doesn't respond, I just pretend she does and lay my head beside her on the bed..sometimes I will feel her lean over and into me...I'm not going to say goodbye anymore...I'm going to wait and say "Hello" when she meets me in Heaven...and oh I do believe....with everything in me I believe....
And who knows, it may be me who goes first...we don't really know..only God knows when "our" time will be and in the interim I have been focusing so much on losing her I am missing out on just relishing each and every one of these little moments...so I'm going to try to hang onto those
Not much went well with the trip, family or service. The service itself was not bad but it was nothing like my mom wanted. I didn't want to start arguments so I just let things slide. Everyone seemed to be doing whatever they wanted. I am surprised it went as well as it did. I could write a mini series on what happened so I will have to wait until later.
I did have some Malley's Chocolate Candy while I was there as a comfort food and it sure hit the spot.
Tonite,I am wondering why now?In the middle of summer and just before her 86th birthday....
I don't believe but she does and it is the least I can do
Susan, don't feel guilty. You have done and are doing the best you can. It is also ok for any of you doing so to have a respite stay, as this can be a vacation for your loved ones too, and it is only for a few days so for anyone doing this, please get that rest and enjoy the chance to recharge your batteries!
On a happy note, this morning my little neighbor child saw me out changing the water in the cats bowls and called to me. she came down the hill and I told her I was sorry I was cross with her the other day. That has really bothered me, and I had prayed about it...one of my friends told me I should never apologize to a child, but my Mama told me you should always aplogize when you know you have hurt someone..I think I'm listening to Mama on that one. I remember when I was a little girl...if a grownup got angry at me it just hurt me to the core...but rarely did they ever apologize.it would have meant a lot to me if they had done so...I think for kids to grow up right they need to see that when adults to make mistakes that we too, need to make it right....I know I feel a lot better...she was happy and off on her merry way.....I'm going to try to watch myself and not let being tired cause me to snap at folks...