My "whine moment today." What's yours?

After my Dad died,whenever I was really down or hit a "landmine",a beautiful cardinal would appear.And it happened in Mo. and Seattle and other places through the last 22 years since he left me.I have asked Mother to send me a sign that shes ok.With Mother,I think it will be a beautiful rose.If she goes before me.On July 12,2015,it will mark 3 years on Hospice alone,not counting the 6 and a half years before that.She is a very sweet monster most of the time and I am lucky for that.Today was a rough day and Im glad its almost over.To All,Take care....

Jeannette, I would rather see you wait to go through your mother's belongings. If you do it too soon you may give something away only to regret it later. Oh, what was I thinking giving that away...why didn't I keep that?... Give yourself time before tackling that task.

Katie22 I find it interesting that many people feel that sign in the form of a cardinal or a butterfly. The cardinals that visit me always feel like my mother-in-law, but my husband connects with a dove that he sees often.

Jeanette good to see you posting again. I think of you often as I muck my way through this whole grieving process. And it is a process I guess. I don't know about the old seven stages of grief but I'm just stuck on sadness right now. I've thought a lot about the whole experience of sitting by my Mom's bedside as she lay dying. I know its pointless and there is nothing good to come out of it but yet my brain just wants to keep going there.

As far as signs from my Mom. I think my Mom would probably laugh at me if she knew I was waiting for one. She was always a very sensible, old-fashioned christian. She didn't have much use for signs and the like. But I'm still hoping for one. And like Hope said it will probably be when I've stopped thinking about it.

Jeanette, thanks for the tip on the Metronidazole. I have been using a silver based mesh and then saline soaked 4x4s with a wet to dry concept. I actually think the wound is a little bit smaller but maybe I am just getting used to looking at it. Loads of protein can get them to slowly improve or at least not get any worse!

Oooo CM I am right there with you!! How dare they...and an ICU nurse to boot?

Reminds me of the time both brothers/SIL/her daughter took mom out to lunch. She got up, wandered out the door, fell FLAT on her face, strangers helped her until the sibs realized she was missing, then drove her an hour home, blood everywhere, bruises scratches... no ice, no one cleaned her up. Yet they were mad at me as I portrayed them as monsters. The shoe fit.


I agree, get him checked out, soon if possible and he's still acting weird...smh

TG, I'm tempted to track down your ICU nurse sib and knife him/her myself. And that thought is considerably less violent than my language was on my reading your post. Glad your Dad is back in one piece. Watch him carefully for the next few days - what am I typing? Obviously you will.

Oddly, I was thinking back just a couple of hours ago to my mother's trip to stay with my brother and weeping with rage over how they 'looked after' her then. Similar 'diet and exercise is all it takes' attitude (how true, apart from being - completely wronggggg!!!) and sending her back in shreds. That was around a fortnight before she stroked big time. Watch him, I mean it. And if in doubt get him checked out - you couldn't ask your medic friend to move in for a few days..???

Oh yes hope, anger and harboring grudges seems to be a biggie in my head right now. Lisa asked me the other day what in life, right at this moment, do I have to worry or be angry about? Nothing.

I didn't have time to mourn my dad. I was then full time no breaks CG for mom. Now it's full on hitting me.

The Psychologist's office called and left a VM. I could procrastinate this forever or pull up mah boot straps and go get this all cleansed off of me but straps are so short there isn't much to pull up!!

engine....whoa...isn't that amazing??? how did she NOT see it??? smh......that is one of the sad things...when by chance we DO get away for even a short length of time....it is like the prparation before the trip for them and then the reconditioning for them after almost makes it not worth it....

I am nearing a respite for myself...even Mama's aid and nurse is pushing me to do it. I have done it that ONE time ...last August, when I had to spend all the week moving all that stuff from my house so that sure was no break for me..but they took excellent care of her, and as I seem to be kind of falling apart...I guess i need to do it...while she's in a good place physically and mentally...I can still pop in on her and make sure all is well and also let them know I could pop in...If they use the same place I think she will be fine...I don't know what is wrong with me..I feel almost catatonic...I don't think I'm depressed...I have actually begun to try to accomplish some things and get a work from home business going....but something feels wrong....I shouldn't be this way but I am nonetheless.

Katie I know what you mean...why do they plan stuff always when it's convenient for everyone BUT us..? not worth the extra effort..imo

I may have already shared this, but one of my friends told me she would come by and get me and take me on a FIVE MINUTE drive through the neighborhood...I gues she meant well, but are people really that clueless that they think my riding through MY neighborhood for five minutes would make me feel nothing but absolutely foolish...what the heck is wrong with people...this is the friend whom I did invite for cake and coffee, etc. told her come by and we could catch up on the patio enjoying the cats and such...she loves cats...but that was not something she wanting to do...but a treat for me of a five minute drive through this neighborhood...am I on candid camera or something???

Glad to "see' you again Jeanette....it's probably going to take you some time to begin to even want to consider doing anything with the house, your Mom's room, etc...and that is 100% ok...don't push it...just go with the flow...I have known people who immediately got rid of things after a loved one passed and they were fine with it..then others who STILL have their husbands belongings over 10 years later...I think both are fine..I do not believe there is a set path for grieving..just do what you need to do for YOU right now..i think that is what your Mom would want...and I think when it begins to not be continuously on your mind..you and Gershun, you will get your closure / sign that you need to move on..

The oddest thing after Daddy had passed, it had been over a year since he died and I was still all lost and confused and just felt so alone...During the course of that year after I had traded cars and was driving home one day and there was something between the drivers seat and the console...I reached down there and got it and it was one of my Daddy's handkerchiefs!!! He had obviously never ridden in that car because I never had it when he was living...and I know I had somehow gotten that hanky in there...but I don't remember carrying it anywhere...I still carry that hanky in my console..it somehow managed to let me know he was still here in spirit and everything was ok....

I find myself dealing with a lot of anger and harboring of grudges these days and i am truly trying hard to NOT be that way...I sure do want to get to Heaven because I've got a lot of folks there waiting on me....and I can't get there with a lot of hate and resentment.but it sure is hard....I guess we just do the best we can....

So Dad goes home for a week to visit family and ends with a couple days at the beach with my sibling (who is the ICU nurse and I am sure he ate like crap all week). He drives 8 hours home and can barely walk/ shuffle. Feet swollen. I get home and he is completely unable to stand or walk. Can barely lift his feet more than an inch. I have no idea how he drove home. I get his walker out (hadn't used in 3 months since knee replacement). Gave him a small sandwich to elevate his sugars (hadn't eaten all day) iced his foot. He dedicated himself, got him to bed. Gave him his meds. I check on him an hour later and he is on the floor on the other side of the room, underwear around his knees lying on his dogs pillow. Had no clue how he got there. (I presume he tried to change his underpants). Dead weight, no ability to assist. So I try to get my engine company (out on calls) to help. Finally a medic friend came over at 1:AM to assist getting him up. Dead weight almost 300 pounds. Get him back into bed. Clean up the bathroom. This AM almost the same. Blood sugar in the 170s. Do it all over again. Finally got him to eat some cereal and fruit and milk and water. Gave him his meds, now is more alert and still tired. How did my sibling the nurse not see this? She text-ed me to see if he got home. Advised of his situation... "he just needs to move more and eat less salt"........ he was in her care for 2 days, WTF? So tired...... Now I am the bad guy? Can't tell her what is going on as she really does not care as long as he is not her problem. Chained to the house again..... I had a nice week of vacation before this........... well quiet at home at least......

Hello in here!! It's nice to see everyone is doing FINE! Guess I'm doing FINE also. It is really hard adjusting to life without your loved one here. I'm stuck and can't pry myself into unsticking? So weird - all those shows I used to watch, haven't watched a one. Haven't played Candy Crush - haven't did anything I normally would do. I haven't even cried in several weeks. It's like I just went numb and am afraid to get back into life or the big bad world again, so I stay stuck. I still haven't touched mom's room. It's all there just as it was 6 weeks ago. Gershun - you know I understand what you're feeling. I wish mom would give me something to go with or hold onto. I remember holding her, pleading with her as she took her last breath to let me know somehow that she was okay and with daddy. So far, nothing. I've had one dream of my dad since he passed 2 years ago. It was a DOOZY and gave me all I needed. Guess I need to be more patient with mom.

Jude, I have one of those sons as well. It was always a struggle to get him to do anything to help me, yet when he needed help in the smallest of ways who helped him? Me. Always. He wasn't an easy teen - early 20's and now 30's kid either. Yet he decided I had changed and became a mean evil person since I've been here, met this girl who lives 5 states away, her family is now his family and he hasn't spoke to me in 7 weeks now. He too, owes me a huge apology and this time, I am not backing down. Heck, the longer he takes the more money I save and less stress I have so he can take all the time he needs but... there will come that day again, it always comes with your kids and I will not be here. Consequences ... hmmm, maybe I have become mean n evil.

I am going to visit my Aunt today. She's my dads older sister. I might be getting myself into trouble by doing this but... right at this time I have nothing else to do and NEED to get out of this house and force myself to do anything. She has a son and granddaughter whom I understands does her shopping since she hasn't driven in several years. Her son has a skeletal disease and doesn't do so well himself and of course my heart bleeds and I feel bad. Sheesh, she told me her son hadn't seen her in 8 months ( spoke to him he said he's there several times a week). Oh well, I can always run out the door. Right?

Since my brothers aren't family oriented at all and I've been trapped in this house for years I basically have no one here, just me n the dogs, she is pretty much the end of the line on dad's side. Mom's brother is barely here. I'm too tired to move back to FL and start over, although my job is always there if I do... just such a damn hassle with no help. Everything seems to be such a chore these days. Sigh.

Cap - good to see you posting again. Nice to see that Aunt Edna is still being her sassy self. Love it!

Katie, are you using Metronidazole when packing the wound? We used this on mine and it was really helping - didn't stop it of course but it did help. I would mix it with the Medi-Honey and make a paste to apply. I have loads of those special giant gel like bandage things left too, sheesh, I can start my own medical supply store - plus depends - pads - 3 of those pull pads or chucks? - hospital bed sheets - gads

Guess this book of a whine I just wrote is enough. The longer I sit here thinking of all this mess in my head isn't accomplishing anything nor helping it get cleared out - oh, it is still in the high 90's here. Ick

It sounds like the caregiver meeting at 5:30 pm was done for someone else's convenience...not the caregivers! Right smack in the middle of dinner or preparations for us. This site is great in that we can all get on here and vent, give each other support, or trade ideas at a time that is convenient for us when we do get a few minutes break.It would have added to my stress to get dressed up, drive somewhere, find someone to sit with Mom at that time, etc. would have caused me more stress than helped me. I don't know what I would have done sometimes without all of the fantastic caregivers here.

Nettiem....goodness..so this is your husband's grandfather's home? and none of his children are caring for him so you and your husband are living there caring for him with your three children....??? Are you living there in exchange for caring for him..or are you also paying all the living expenses...bless your heart...that sounds very stressful.....I don't know enough about all the circumstances but sounds like an awful lot to be responsible for at this point in your lives....but God bless you for caring for him...and shame on the "children" for not taking him into their homes...

I did go to one cancer caregiver support group a couple of years ago, sponsored by the social worker at my mom's oncologist. However, it was two hours of everyone sharing their story and tears and when my turn came I felt like I was being judged. The founding member of the group told me I just need to get myself home to my husband (I was staying at mom's and my hubby staying at our place during those few months that ended up drifting slowly into years) I asked, "And then who is going to take care of mom?" He said (compassionate devil he was) "That is her problem. " So of course I wrote that off as my mom has a multitude of health problems along with effects from a stroke. And like JessieBelle says, when you are middle class (or lower middle class) you can't afford what you need and are too rich to get help for other services. Its a rock and a hard place and we all know neither of those are comfortable. So... onward ! I am glad I found a nice place to throw out "the stuff" where others also know what it really is like to be a family member's caregiver. Thank you !

Sometimes I wonder how many opportunities there really are out there. We talk about them here on the group, but beyond Medicaid and hospice, I don't know anyone who has accessed these services without paying for them. My mother and I are middle class, so don't qualify for any of the low-income things. But we're only middle class, so can't afford to pay too much for things. Is there any real help out there for a typical caregiver like myself? The middle class is caught in a situation of having too much for some things and not enough for others.

My mother's church has a support group for caregivers. Trouble is that it meets once a month at 5:30 PM on a week night. Do they know that caregivers are making dinner at that hour? And that one of the problems of caregiving is finding someone to come in to take over for a while? And really... how much can one or two hours a month do? Another problem is I don't really think I would feel like singing that all this is to the glory of God and how wonderful it is to have our loved ones still. I personally don't have any angel wings on my back, though I do spout these little horns on my head at times.

Vent away, Annie - we're all here for you!

This site has been a Godsend for me, though I'm sure I wear out my welcome with some folks from time to time.

I've had the same thing, Annie - the first thing all the professionals and agencies ask is if there are siblings that can help. The answer is, not really. Yes, I have siblings. One sister is in a marriage where she is the breadwinner and has a very low-wage job - and she lives over 40 miles away, so she doesn't get her often. And she is due to have major surgery later this month. Another sister lives 25 miles away, both she and her husband have lost their jobs (not due to anything they did, the economy zapped their jobs) - and though her husband has just picked up a temporary job, they've both also had surgery recently, and she is not recovering well at this point - multiple severe infections. Brother lives 5 miles away, and stops to see Mom when he can, but isn't a source of much help for other reasons I can't go into. So is there family that can help? No, not really.

And a support group? pfffft. *This* is my support group, right here - the only one I have time for, because I can vent without judgement, get support and bounce ideas and thoughts off others in the same situation...and don't even have to leave home to do it.

BurnedoutAnnie- vent away. Use here as support

SusanA43… I so know exactly what you mean ?!!!! I teach special ed and work 60+ hours a week and then mom (who is now fairly recently in a care home but I was primary caregiver for 6 years) and her house care and going through everything to try to sort and organize and figure out what to do about everything the rest of the time. Everyone comes back on Monday with all their tales of adventure from the weekend or the holidays. And there I sit with the same worn out me. "Oh did you have a relaxing weekend ?", they ask. "Whadya think?" Do you want the truth or just the answer to make you feel better? Of course now, most dont even bother to ask anymore as truly co-workers really could care less. But is is frustrating. We who do care, just try to keep ourselves from curling up in the fetal position and pull through for everything else that demands our attention. Right? When I call Caregivers Solutions their first and mostly only solution is can you get friends and family to help ? Do you belong to a support group? No, I hadn't thought of that, but since I work and care for mom all the time there aren't really any friends and they wouldn't help anyway. People dont have time for that these days. And there is no family to help. And who the heck has the time to go traipsing off across town to a support group once a month. And they usually are during the week day when at work. So there you go. And reading everyones posts, that seems to be the norm.
….Okay, I'm spent Thanks for the vent :)

My moment is feeling guilty for getting angry at the situation im in and feeling anger towards others that should have helped but are only interested in what they get when my grandfather in law passes. They dont do a damn thing but own the house we live in that was my grandfather in laws so they act like they rule the world. Since we coukdnt be fake friendky anymore they git mad and now interrogate on tbe ohone at keastv3 times a day mt grandfsther in kae (89 with alzheimer's ) if he ate if hes alone what he ate ... etc. Im sad because my husband and i have three kids to raise , work, are still broke and and at any moment can lose our place to live . Its been made clear when "he goes, we go" . Wr are full POS'S. THEY LITERALLY walked away the minute her father needed help the most . I could not do the same but my husband and i are suffering mentally, Physically and our marriage is strained . I just try to be positive but how.....

Country Mouse, you go for it!

Less whine, more fume: so, when before leaving on a ten day road trip with his vintage car buddies ex-SO assured me the silicon caulking around the bath would "just pull away no problem" this was either a cruel joke or groundless optimism arising from inexperience, yes? Corn knife, Stanley knife, tweezers fine-nosed pliers all having proved unequal to the task, I now realise it will take me ten days to pick it out morsel by morsel. Nuts to that. I'm going to sulk and watch Wimbledon. And then I am going to head for the hardware store and buy some chemical weapons.

Gershun, I too like to think that our loved ones are so busy getting reconnected with all their other loved ones and that the place they are has them so busy that we don't feel anything for awhile, but that they are really happy there and safe from all Earth's problems. It took almost a year for me to feel that my Dad was sending a sign....suddenly a red cardinal appeared several times a day outside the kitchen window right where my Dad used to sit. This bird was so tame it would sit on the window sill and allow my Mom to put a peanut right in front of him. Sometimes the signs are more subtle like a sudden breeze or a door closing for no apparent reason. I think give it time and it will come, probably when you least expect it.

I do wish i could make it through the day without falling asleep somewhere...Especially in the afternoon when Mama always takes a deep nap...it is so quiet here and even the cats seem to nap and if I get slowed down for one minute, I'm liable to wake up wherever one or two hours later, totally disoriented and confused...I've never been a napper...I don't really understand that..

I sometimes think I am getting really mean....I hope not...my Mama used to tell me "You have always been such a jolly little child"...haha...that always sounded comical to me...but I liked it..and I was...now I seem to have a seething rage in me with most folks..

On the very rare occasion that anyone does come other than the hospice folks they sit here and bore me to tears with their braggadacious BS about their kids, what they are doing now..how this one has their life all planned out, that one is really going places, they all deserve it so much because they work so hard. blah blah blah...then they inevitably give me this pitying look and sometimes a comment like...I'm so sorry, you look so worn out...I have gotten to where I just say..I AM worn out..but I am blessed and I am right where I am supposed to be and where I WANT to be...in the back of my mind I remind myself that all of those blow hard bastards could have one misstep, one bad tumble, one bad diagnosis, and THEIR world would come crashing down around them too. If there is one thing I have learned is that you can't plan that far ahead..I thought I had my life all planned out too..no where in the plans did I see any of this...but I am blessed and I am want to be here...if it is meant to be there will be time for me one day..God is the only one in control of any of this...even when I understand ZERO part of it..

I agree with Shilo, Gershun...I think you have got to be so absolutely worn out and tired, probably much more than you even realize...Everyone is different for sure and we all grieve at our own pace, in our own time. Just take care of yourself and remember you were there for your Mom..that is so much more than so many we know out in this world...Give it time, be patient with (and kind to ) yourself. Just because you have not yet felt some kind of connection does not mean anything negative...it's just part of the natural process of each individual experience...You have an awful lot of folks on here who love you and care about you and your Mom...Talk to us when you miss her.. Don't try to force yourself to feel things...just let them happen at their own pace.... (((hugs)))

Luckylu, I am right with you on that one - I just love how people ask what I'm doing for the holidays, or what plans we have for the weekend, etc. It makes me want to take them down the list:
1) I own a business - which means it basically owns ME.
2) I work 60+ hours per week in said business.
3) I visit Mom at the NH for an hour or so in the morning and at least an hour and a half or 2 hours at night after I finish my work for the day, and most of the day on Sundays.
4) Every visit to Mom is a new adventure in emotional pain, as she cries and says she just wants to go home, and I have to explain to her again, as I do every single day, that coming home may not be an option, try to cheer her up by reminding her that she has people to talk to, activities to go to, etc at the NH, and they can monitor her health more carefully there than I can at home. And that going home will just result in another hospital and NH stay in a few weeks when her fluid builds up again. Then she seems to cheer up just a bit and claims to understand that I'm trying to do what's best for her....at least until the next day, when she will forget this conversation altogether.

So what are we doing for the holidays, or over the weekend? Trying to make it through yet another day or weekend without having a complete breakdown while trying to keep Mom's spirits up, which is becoming more exhausting than the home caregiving ever was.

When Mother had fluid around her heart and a mesh window had to be installed and Mother was in ICU the doctor said "Im sure its cancer" which totally upset me but it wasnt cancer and they never could explain it but he nevver should have said that!

Luckylu, When I was young I almost wrote a book 101 things not to say to an infertile couple. I think we need to collaborate and write one for caregivers. The day my mom was last hospitalized, we had gone for her first visit with my primary care doctor. When it was decided that she would immediately be admitted to the hospital, the doctor asked me if she had a DNR. I was shocked and said no. She repeated with a questioning tone, no. I said she had a living will and if she had a serious terminal illness and is in extreme. Pain with no hope then yes there are no extreme measures.
WTF! I couldn't believe it! Just because she is 90 and has COPD doesn't mean I am looking forward to her passing, quite the contrary!

Reading all your posts sure makes me feel better. Just knowing that there are people who understand makes me feel a little more sane!
Today is a better any because Mom came home. It doesn't matter that I am on an "opiate reduction holiday" and my pain is ridiculous, I can take the physical pain whenI am stronger emotionally. When she came home all the dogs were very happy, but Buddy the dog pictured in my profile practically threw himself at her once she sat in "her" car! He proceeded to give her a licking as she laughed and told him what a good dog he was. To see her home and happy watching Wheel of Fortune makes my heart soar!
Jude don't feel so bad, as hard as we tried raising caring boys to caring men, our culture, TV and social media undid all we tried so hard to accomplish. What you should do is drop by unannounced and once you get Mom inside, say in front of Mom, him and his wife how sweet it was that he wanted to spend quality alone time with her and say, we'll be back in a couple of hours, have fun!

Katie222...Im with you on that!Every time the bathaid or nurse comes from our Hospice,they say "So whqt did you do exciting this weekend?"or "Got any exciting plans for the weekend or holiday?"WE ARE TRYING TO SURVIVE!!!They,of ALL people should know that!Then they tell us what they got to do or when their next vacation is.Im home doing eyes and hair and hineys and teeth,etc.not of my own and every need or want Mother requires to continue to live.