My "whine moment today." What's yours?

{{{Gershun}}} I hope it is just that you are too tire and you don't really feel like you have said that "goodbye" yet. I will pray that when that occurs you will start to feel her presence. Remember everyone is different. There are some that can feel ones presence like a calmness and others get chills if they see something or touch something that belonged to their loved one. As you start to remember the better times hopefully her presence will come out more.

Gershun - I can relate. I thought I would feel something when my sister and my mother died. That they would appear to me or something, but nothing. I like to think they're just to busy having fun.

Jude - I know you aren't trying to be funny, but you're tirade was so spot on, I found myself smiling a bit.

Thank-you Shilo and Katie.

I guess for me the hardest part has been I always was so close to my Mom and I thought that when she died I would still feel her presence. But I've felt nothing. I guess I've watched too many movies and heard too many stories where people have lost loved ones but they said I can still feel them. It has not been like that for me.

I've had these dreams but they are all dreams of despair where my Mom is dying and I'm trying to communicate with her but I can't.

Gershun, We are here for you if you want to talk!

Gershun, you just talk to us. I want to hear about your mom.

The next time someone asks how you are say Do you really want to know cause I'll tell you and then watch how fast they back away.

I was kind of hurt yesterday. I sent my sister an e-mail just telling her how I've been having bad dreams about mom etc. She came back with "when its hot I don't like having serious conversations and why don't you call pastor Jim"

All I wanted was to share about Mom. In my family when someone passes its like you are not supposed to mention their name again cause everyone gets uncomfortable. I guess I'll talk to my cats!

The thing that bugs me even more than people asking how I am and not caring is when people ask what special plans I have for the weekend or holiday, etc. Really? My plans are the same as everyday, insulin shots, cleaning, changing,repositioning, preparing food, cleaning and packing wound, cleaning, changing,repositioning, preparing food,cleaning, ......maybe I should robotically recite that to them and they will stop asking.

Well son has not rung to apologise so I imagine this weekend will be interesting anyone want to take bets as to whether they cry off at the last minute?

Lucky I would make sure that the next time I used the toilet I removed the rest of the toilet tissue and when he asks for some bloody ignore him - failing that you could always coat it with itching powder! God I am bad today!

Jude, I believe you got my meaning of FINE, thank you! Of course, it is never said with a smile. My facial expression sometimes is the best part of my response.

I am not big on the expression "youre fine" instead of excuse me these days. and Hope22,you are right about asking for help.I never ak for help,but today I aassked my husband to help me transfer Mother from her wheelchair into the doctors eye chair and back into her wheelchair but he never came to help me after he parked the car.Ofcourse the nurse helped m,but I asked him for his help today.It hurt my feelings and made me mad so I wont ask again.Sad to say,Mother has lost her sight in her bad eye and I didnt know until today.I have seen her struggling moe with her newspaper to read but I thought she was just sleepy.The only one Mother can count on is me and I will never let her down.

How am I doing? Now are you asking that because you want to know or is it a mere gesture? If you want to know I am quite happy to tell you if it is just a gesture then I have a gesture for you - point your finger at the door and say close it behind you please.....no- one asks me how I am doing or how am I any more....can' t think why!!!!

Methink at times when someone asked "How are you doing?" it's the same as saying "Hello". I usually answer "hanging in there"... younger people will say "meh" or "whatever".

Notice now days whenever someone says "thank you", the response is "no problem" instead of "you're welcome".

A lot of times these days there are no words that will do except for the ones we might ought to not use....but it loses the same effect not to use them.. :)

Linda...I think looking back to recent events..no one asks me how I'm doing anymore...haha..I wonder why... :)

My dear friend recently lost her mom and it was suggested to me that I not ask a general "How are you" but ask her how she's doing today. I've found that it works better, as her emotions are ebbing and flowing by the moment.

Jude, unbelievable, and you were going to stay in a nearby hotel so as not to put your son in out that way. My son, too. That sucks! (a rather immature expression used by teenagers when nothing else will do). Really inappropriate for a grandma like me to use. Sorry.

Hope you have a right to be p!$$y hun - I would be too - I am too ...for you

I need to take on the role of the carer's Judge Dread - if you don't like the way your sibling (sic) does things then your penalty is to give up your life home firends work and YOU DO IT without financial or emotional input - then see how it feels

Yall bear with me I have gotten overwrought reliving the crap with my aunt....

Oh Jude, your post makes me livid too because I know how pissed that kind of stuff makes me...that's the whole thing..we don't ask for help, we don't ask for anything and then finally, we actually DO need a teensy bit of consideration and we're always met with the same d*mn thing...oh hell no..it might cramp their style, get in the way, interfere with their stinking lives....Pi$$ on em all I say...

Lucky...isn't that the truth??? Why ask if you are just going to give an uncaring "hmpfff" to whatever you say to them...I feel like I'm Mama's cheerleader, here to take care of her, but here to keep her happy, entertain her, and Lord knows she is probably one of the easiest folks to care for of anyone who is in this position because she asks nothing of anyone and never complains..but for some reason that even makes me angrier..not at her, but at the rest of the world...how she has been there for everyone else and now, when it would still matter to her, they are long gone...I'm trying not to say I hate folks, but I sure do hate their ways....Selfish inconsiderate Ba$!ard$.......

One of the sisters (Mamas) who used to come every other week or so, is apparently angry at ME...because of something that in my mind was so hateful of HER to do and I am guessing she is waiting for an apology from me..and how sad because one isn't coming...she owes me one...she'll not get one from me...

Most of you know that after my Daddy passed, my only sibling, and his wife at the time, demanded THEIR half of the inheritance NOW...They rode Mama and drove her crazy until sometimes I think that may have even caused a lot of the early onset issues she is having now..couldnt have helped any for sure...Anyway, as usual, I told Mama do what she wanted to do because in my heart it is just so stinking tacky to show your behind over stuff after someone passes..Long story short...Mama gave them 75% of the estate...including our lakefront home...so the house we live in now is the only asset she has left...My aunt had, on a couple of occasions, volunteered the info to me that Mama had told her this house was to be mine after she passed and so after much urging from a lifelong family friend, and because it was nothing but right, I did use my POA to have a life estate created so after Mama passes this home will be mine...The attorney who handled it asked dd I have anyone who could confirm what I was telling him..I told him I knew my aunt knew how it was supposed to be and so he asked me to have her prepare a brief affidavit just stating the facts...nothing lengthy or involved, just confirming what I had conveyed to him. I dreaded it because again, stuff like that just seems so unseemly, but I finally did it...Well, all of a sudden, she couldn't remember anything clearly, It was all this ...uh...well, I think I remember her saying something bout...oh, I don't know...I can't remember now, but I know she said something about her house and the lake house and oh, I can't remember...and after a LOT of hemhawing and confusion, I told her, you know...if you can't remember...never mind...you volunteered the information not that long ago so I thought you knew...and then she said ....I DON'T WANT TO HURT (BROTHER) OMG...I was livid and more than that I was so hurt...the ridiculous part is, my brother already knows this is how it was supposed to be. But I was not going to risk it again..not with all the other stuff that has happened with him..considering he has done nothing financially to help us, considering he sat there while I almost lost my home to foreclosure and sold it at the last minute only because a sorry pos developer was able to find out exactly what I owed on it, and it wasn't much and he bought my home and now is about to make a $60 killing on my house....anyway, she knew I was angry ...and hurt...and I thought, you know, he would not have known you even confirmed the facts, but I will never forget that you of all people ...the one time I needed help and asked you and you refused to help me...God forgive me, I hate her..she was one of my favorite aunts and now I hate her...personally I don't care if she ever comes again...I sure as heck know I'll never worry about her again...but I know Mama wonders where she is...who knows, maybe she could care less...I hope so...

BUT the end of the story, the attorney went ahead and handled it...I think because after the barrage of questions and discovery that my brother has not helped out in the least, he got it done it is all finalized and on record at the court house...now I guess the brother could come back and challege it, but if he does it's on him...and he will have to prove why I owe him anything. I just knew I was going to be sad enough when all this is over and I did not want to have to deal with it again....I want to come home, and tell everyone to leave me the h*ll alone and slam the door behind me.....

Has anyone noticed that when we say FINE we mean anything but. When asked what's wrong and we say nothing we mean everything so watch out or you will be next in the firing line. When hearing 'I was only joking' I hear 'I meant every word but didn't have the balls to tell you.' Boy am I livid tonight

I am FINE F$%^&d off Insecure Neurotic and Emotional and incidentally incandescent right now. We are moving but may need to put our stuff into storage and have a weeks holiday while they kit out a wetroom and put flooring down - no way am I even going to try doing that while she is in residence - can you imagine it?

I said to my son I thought we might book a hotel near him and come and spend the days at their house if that was OK. NO IT ISN'T he doesn't want to be left looking after Nan while I go off for three hours every day.

Now given he does sweet eff all for us and can't even mow the darned lawn without I beg (so I do it myself) am I likely to even consider leaving her with him - he wouldnt have a scooby do (clue) of what to do (although his wife would and she wouldn't mind me coming)

Well whoop de doo - he thinks I will back down over this one because he holds the ace card of my grandson - boy is he wrong. He is now persona non grata at my house and quite frankly I dont give a damn if he is my son - he needs to apologise and until he does I just don't want to know - one step too far my lad one step too far

Here in California we are in a nasty drought and heat wave so bad we may have brown outs. Mother enjoys playing in water under the guise of washing dishes. And insists on pushing down button on thermostat until she's not hot anymore. It was 62 degrees when I got up at 7am this morning inside and 85 outside. When the fines come I'm sure it will somehow be my fault. Considering buying nest thermostat that can be controlled by my phone, already installed water saving aerators. When they say please conserve they mean everyone but my mom obviously.

People will ask me how my Mother is doing and I will tell them,not too good,etc.Then they will say "Have a great day".It kicks me in my heart everytime.They really dont care,so I wish they wouldnt ask.Our Hospice nurse,is always saying inappropriate comments and yesterday,when I assked about the fluid in Mothers Lungs.she said"Shes no better and no worse,but she will only get worse and Im suprised she isnt gasping for air."and she left..People treaat me like im a machine,with no feelings.today,I am taking Mother to the eye doctor to have some eyelashes plucked that scratch her cornea.I hope people are kind to her....and me.i understand Sharadale.

Gershun - darn spell check and I ran to work and didn't even notice. Oops.

Gershwin, my mom went in hospital Saturday before Easter four years ago for "food poisoning". The next Tuesday they did a colonoscopy to figure out what was going on. Blockage. She never woke up. i drove 300 miles in 3.5 hours to be there for Mom's surgery while my sister was stuck on plane going to uncle's funeral on west coast. My brother had gone home after 3 days because I was coming. Mom never woke up but I spent the nights in her house and the night she passed away I swear I felt her kiss my face as I woke up to her cat coming into room to purr and snuggle. I never had Mom say goodbye either, but I know she knew I was there. And your Mom did too. Her body failed her but you never did. We now have several pairs of her fave bird cardinals that visit our backyard. So she sends me hellos now and then. The missing of them gets different not better-less overwhelming. Living a good life is what our loved ones would want for us. Hugs for her from me to you.

Sharadale - pull a George Carlin on them. When someone asks how you are, you say, "I'm not unwell, thank you..." in a jaunty tone....or "I'm moderatly neato"...that pisses them off, because then they have to go home and ask their kids how you are. LOL

I'm trying to buck up and keep my own spirits up in the face of Mom's ever-changing mood while she's in the nursing home. She's been there 2 days and it's already been a roller-coaster ride of emotions. She had *me* in tears last night. I hate this. I hate it for her, but I also hate being made to feel like it doesn't matter whether I can care for her at home or not - in her mind, she needs to be home, and damn the consequences. I understand that it's partially the dementia talking, but this is just so hard to deal with.

Sharadale, my answer to the question 'how are you?' is "fine" because it is a 4 letter word that begins with F. Yes, I am just FINE thank you. Yes, it does spell something sarcastic but only I know it.

Captain, I suffer from chronic pain that ranges from a 6-8 depending on the day and how long it has been since my mess and how rebellious I have been in regards to my disability. There are days when I just get a "f" this attitude, I am going to do this even though I know I will pay later. As much pain I am in when I hit an 8, I generally keep it to myself, but my husband knows me so well that he can see it in my face and the way I am acting. He is one of the few people that I cry in front of. It is very scary to cry in pain because once you start, it is hard to stop and crying makes the pain worse. It can help with the isolation you feel if there is someone who really understand you and supports you but the fear of letting go and trying to come back from it can make it tricky. I have cried in front of my psychiatrist and it made me feel more alone because my 15 minutes were up and he turned his chair and said so I'll see you in 3 months then!
So count yourself as someone she really trusts to help her even if it is just to hear her. The rest of the world get the face, the smile, because they don't really want to know. When I was working people would see you and say hi how are you? They didn't really want to know. They wanted me to say fine how about you. My sarcastic nature usually said something like "another day in paradise" or"just peachy"so keep being there for her. It means a lot.

Well, the furkids availed themselves of my fried cheese....you'd think I'd learn after all these years that they enjoy the little snacks I leave to cool on the counter....I guess they needed it more than me at that....

I hope everyone gets a good nights sleep. I think I will kick back and catch a couple of episodes of The Making of the Mob....for some reason I find that particularly relaxing....

Mama is all settled in and the kids are as well, so I'm about to get me something cold to drink and put my feet up for a few...everyone sleep well.