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I think if they still BELIEVE that their wife or parent is alive and they become agitated when you tell them they are dead - regardless of with how much gentleness and kindness you do it , that it's quite cruel. That said Mum knows Dad is dead but forgets periodically and then I use avoidance tactics and change the subject or say oh Im not sure ...I'll go look...fancy a cuppa? Usually that is enough to distract her.

It's a bit like the idiot doc who thought it was fine to tell Mum she has dementia despite being told specifically not to. he isnt allowed back because it has upset Mum so much and I won't allow it...period. (I did also complain to the consultant who had requested she not be told - so he got a double whammy)
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Well I tell Dad the same thing, once in a while I say she is outside. It's usually the activities director or his assistant who dad asks about mom. He doesn't get agitated about this though.
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57twin, wonder if your Dad thinks he is in a hotel and he is wondering where his wife went? I am really surprised the Assisted Living tells your Dad that his wife had passed, since he has memory issues.... here on the forums it is recommended to say that she is busy and will see him tomorrow, or something along those lines.
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Took Dad for this labwork before his doc appt monday. Got results and they were good!
Went out for breakfast a little diner dad had pancakes and managed to eat all-they were huge!
Shopping at Kohls as he has gained weight and needed new pants. Bought 3 pairs plus I got hum a new shirt for fathers day. Took him to my house for a quick yard tour then took him back. Went well.
Taked though with activities director who said after lunch most days he asks where mom is. They remind him that she passed away and he must then remember. The few months he lived with us he rarely mentioned mom and its a difficult topic to bring ip at times.
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Hope - Thanks for sharing your good time, I enjoyed every minute of it. I even enjoyed the cream filled doughnuts. Now that was special for me because this week I went to 4 stores in 2 days looking for them without any luck. I don't buy doughnuts but a few times a year so this week I was really in the mood. All I could find were jelly doughnuts, no cream filled. How disappointed I have been. You have made me happy that someone had a cream filled doughnut! Thank you.
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I have some metmucil and will give that a try. Thank you, didn't think of that helping with diarrhea..the last couple of changes have been a little less explosive. ..maybe all the bad stuff got our of her system.

Katie, so very true. I have always enjoyed the simpler things in life but now especially just revel in that good hot cup of coffee, quiet moments just sitting beside Mama watching her sleep. ..doodling in the garden. .planting seeds and watching them grow, tending my roses...i cherish all of it. I think how so many people miss out on the precious tiny things when it's so easy to do all the fancy big stuff.

My brother came today instead of tomorrow. I had gotten something for Mama to vice him as she always loved getting him a father's day present. I got out of the house for a bit. .a couple of hours and it was so nice. I got myself a small burger and a coke and turned up the music and just had a nice little drive..i felt so free and enjoyed it so much. Swung by our local bakery and got a couple of cream filled doughnuts and a six pack of their awesome cupcakes for my brother. He kind of got on me for doing it and told me i needed to save my money for me. I told him he needs to understand that i enjoy doing things like that fir him and others and that it made me happy so quit fussing at me. Got my groceries without having to hurry and so just had a nice time feeling shim freedom. Mama seems happy today and so it has been an excellent say for me as well. Hope everyone else is having a great weekend
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Thinking of Jeanette and Gershun today as you each celebrate the lives of your Moms...love, prayers and hugs to each of you.
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{{{{HUGS}}} to Gershun and Jeanette today as they celebrate their wonderful Mom's lives.
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Hope have you considered adding metamucil to Mama's shakes. You may find that bulks things up a bit. i know it is usually used for constipation but does work really well. Don't give it less than 2 hours before or after regular meds
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Oh CM not the chickens. I really did not mean for you to send ex SO out to serenade them with daisy daisy, it must have attracted a couple of wild dogs.
have any of the farmers lost sheep recently?
Hope you were able to comfort Dr daughter. the little ones are the worst to loose. We lost 2 babies and a 12 year old. one of the babies mothers went on to have two more and came to the office with them so happy. She said she kept the ashes of the first one on the mantle piece and talked to her every day
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Getting my client work done and then I'm going to throw myself into housework and prepping for Mom's bday party that's coming up in a few weeks. Doing a stars n' stripes theme, since her birthday is near Independence Day, and picnic-type foods. Sibs have already offered (at least one of them) to help by bringing a dish to pass, so that will help a bit.
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{{hugs}} to Gershun and Jeanette today as you both celebrate your Mom's life and say your final goodbyes.
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Gershun, you're right about the "most unexpected times". I might add "at the most unusual things" as well. Example; yesterday wile grocery shopping, I walked by the deli/hot food section. I could just hear mom saying how good the orange chicken smelled and how much she loved it. So I'd buy her some to nibble on. Well, as all of that went flashing through my head my eyes started stinging with those tears again and I had to quickly walk away.

I miss my mom. I believe my mother is in Heaven with healthy body and mind. Today as we "Celebrate" mom and scatter her ashes with daddy's will be very sad. I'm sure it's more symbolic for those left behind, kind of like the healing process, ya know? We are heading up to where dad is around 5:00 p. m. It's a lovely day out and will be a gorgeous evening. I sure wish I knew the unknown. Or that mom would somehow visit me to let me know she's ok.

Gershun, as we celebrate my mom's life today, I will be thinking of you celebrating you own dear mother's life. God Bless!
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Gershun - My thoughts and prayers are with you and your mom this afternoon as you celebrate her life. I hope it is a beautiful day to remember.

CM - A belated I am sorry to hear about your chickens. I kept getting wrapped up in other things which delayed my expression of sadness. As others have said before, sometimes the animals in our lives are more our family than the biological (in)human ones given to us at birth.

Hope - Still thinking of your kitty.
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Susan - There are times my mother mentions she can not breath yet her O2 is above 90° and at times 100°. I have learned when she complains of having trouble breathing but she does not look to be in distress...she is breathing through her nose...to tell her I will take your blood pressure to make sure it is in the normal range. I also ask her if she saw or heard something that startled her but maybe she is alright now. Then I tell her everything is alright, do you feel better and most of the time she is better. I have no idea why she feels she can't breath.

I was interrupted by my mother's calls 3 times trying to type that so if it doesn't make sense that is why.
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I dreamed all night about chickens :D...... and woke to big aches and pains in shoulders and lower back...this slows me down getting Mom awake and taken care of in the morning,(the pains not the chickens..!)....the weather isn't helping the aches and pains.
I too don't want to think about what is going to happen with Mom as time goes by...just prefer to take things one day at a time, handle things one crises or BM at a time to get through each day. By doing this I have also found that I get happiness out of the small things during the day...a good cup of coffee, flowers in the garden, a new bed pillow, Mom laughing at something ....things that people who don't caregive 24/7 take for granted and they have to have big vacations and luxury cars to find happiness and the happiness becomes more and more elusive for them. Sometimes I see this caregiving time as a huge wake up call to see the good right in front of me no matter how small.....
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Shilo same here - I was on a right rant last week because I am almost being forced to go as I can take Mum and she attends the other group. WELL they pay someone ridiculous amounts of money to tell me what I already know (they get more for the afternoon than we did for doing a full week and had never cared for anyone let alone do it 24/7), they dont get Mum to the toilet on time - in fact they didnt take her BECAUSE she wears pads (so no care there then) and what is more she was given senna by some random man which she squirreled away and took when she thought she would with incumbent results, so do I want to attend again do I $%^* as like.
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Shilo this is your support group kind of anyways!
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I called the Alzheimer's Association today to get some information about an "in home worker". I was asked if I attend any support groups. I answered No I didn't have anyone to take care of my mother so I could attend. What I really wanted to say was No I have no interest in spending time talking to others about what I am faced with 24/7/365 and I don't want to know what her behavior may turn into 2 months or 2 years from now. I don't need to think about what may happen down the road and worry about what I am going to do or how I am going to handle it. I am concentrating on today and what I can see right in front of me. When I have time off, away from my mother, I would like to be able to relax and not have that dreadful disease staring me in the face. That to me is not time off or time away.
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Susan I remember my Mom being the same way. They used to put Nitroglycerin patches on my Mom's chest every day. They'd put them on in the morning and take them off in the evening. They would write the date on them every day. They helped her with her breathing and opened up her blood vessels.
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Captain has been through so much from what he has shared with us. I don't think he will be gone for long. If I remember correct there was a visitor staying with him. Maybe they are doing some traveling. Also, in the first week of June (5th - 8th, I think) central Indiana was hit with bad storms and there were tornadoes. He may be without internet service where he lives.
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We have *got* to figure out why Mom gets so short of breath sometimes. Her O2 sats are in the high 90s (96 or higher and she has O2 on at 3 liters), her lungs sound clear, her heart is beating at a nice regular beat - yet at times, without any exertion, just sitting in her chair, she starts abdominal breathing and says she feels "a little short of breath" and seems somewhat dazed. She responds appropriately to questions and isn't any more confused than normal. The nurse saw her doing this yesterday and the PT saw it today - and neither of them can figure it out either, because there's no obvious reason for it. The only thing I'm seeing is that she's getting to the point of being tired enough to want to lay down and sleep and that's when this breathing issue tends to happen - but she's still sitting up when it happens, so it's not positional either. Going to address it with the nurse next week. She is in no apparent immediate danger, because her O2 levels are actually very good, her heart rate is good and regular...I have to wonder if it's just her body being tired - just...tired. You all know the kind of "tired" I mean.
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Its just all so sad to see Mama like this. ..of all people i know she is the last whom i ever thought would be in this shape. ..still thankful for every moment.

Captain. ..if you're out there we miss you. .i hope aunt Edna is ok.
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Oh Susan..i remember those days. Before Mama became bedfast she would have incidents similar to that. Here's were usually in the middle of the night though. .she would get up and just stand there and pee in the middle of her bedding floor. ..one time she went out the front door and peed on the front porch...i happened to hear her stirring and caught her each time. At that time i was not fully understanding what was going on with her and i asked her why she didn't call me as id asked. She asked me what i was talking about and i was scrubbing the floor. .she said. ...i didn't do that, it was that old man that came through here while ago.......soon after that i bought the bedrails that install on a regular bed and got one of those bed alarms. ..she even knew how to escape that but it gave me enough heads up that i was able to catch her. ..wow..where did those years go....
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I was thinking about Cap the other day too, and wondering if he'd decided to just take his leave of our happy little family. I hope not - every family needs a grumpy ol' man to liven things up now and then - not sure what was stuck in his craw the one day, but hopefully he's gotten over it and will rejoin us at some point.

My night tonight has been several repeats of this particular conversation:

(Mom sits up and swings her legs out of bed and sits on the side of the bed.)
Me: Mom, you need to head to the bathroom.
Mom: Yup.
10 minutes later...
Me: Mom, you should get up and go to the bathroom.
Mom: Yup, in a minute.
10 minutes later....
(Mom finally gets up and moves)
Mom: Whoops. I'm peeing on the floor. Sorry.
Me: .....................(sigh)...................
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I was thinking the same thing about A. Edna, ff. I know it was a little tense with the posts the one day butt I miss the 'old fart'. Captain, just in case you are reading any of these posts on the good old side of my family 'old fart' is an endearing term that doesn't really have anything to do with age. :P
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Maybe he was just having a bad day. He probably is still reading posts. I kind of miss his off color comments as long as they aren't directed at me :)
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It's been about 2 weeks since his last posting. Hope nothing happened to Aunt Edna.
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same here as far as I can see.. that was uncalled for, but he normally "bounces back" faster than this....LOL
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I haven't heard anything since he went off on Frequent Flyer.
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