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Jeanette, she doesn't care i don't believe. .i have decided she had a selfish side just like the rest of them. I'm not asking my brother to take off, he doesn't take off to let ME have a break so i be danged if iask him when there are plenty who could take her if she would ask them. .she's not even asking them and that is what is hacking me off
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Jeanette hun thank you sweetie xxxxxxxxxxxx CMs the one with the skills though...me? I just write like I talk and god help anyone who pees me off because I still write like I talk...I just add a few effs and jeffs! (if you don't have this term I mean swear words)
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OP Katie and it can be any papers - newspapers she did tis morning all in date order which is quite surprising when she doesnt have a bloody clue what soddin day it is. I tell you folks its all in there somewhere just all mashed up
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Hope, you cannot go with her to the Doc. Who will watch Mama?
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The endless barrage of texting has begun again. Same sh!t, different day. Again telling me the doctor has stressed that she bring someone, that she would rather it be me because i know how to handle things. .my response, i cannot do it check with all the others. ..texts back from her. .i know your Mama is your priority. I understand. ..but i really want you to go. ...im really close to letting it hit the fan what the heck is wrong with her. .i finally flat out told her. .look, it is not a matter of not wanting to help but i do not want to leave Mama with a sitter, i am NOT aski g my brother to take off his job when all those bozos are sitting on their butts drawing disability and are in a heel of a lot better shape than i am. .ASK Them....that was the last text. ..waiting to see what she comes out with next. ..BS
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Speaking of small gestures, ive got a cousin who is about to get a small gesture from me.
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Countrymouse, thanks... for making spit my coffee out!! LOL

Jude, you too! I love the whimsical way you write!
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When all is said and done and someday these people come to me for favors after they have currently disappeared from my life...they will get a message that I have hired a new secretary named Helen Waite.....then if they want something from me they can go straight to Helen Waite......heeheehee....
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Salisbury, I see this every day to some degree or another....They must think highly of us that we are superhuman and can do it all. A small gesture like tea or someone just handing me a bag of fast food through the front door would be welcome. I think people stay away because they are afraid. They are afraid they may be asked to clean bottoms or irrigate tunneling wounds or something, which I would not ask them to do...just that cup of tea and the small gesture would be enough. I guess we really are strong amazing people though at times we feel so worn out, stressed and tired and because we are so capable others think we don't need that gesture.
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Salisbury...i get it. .i agree that when people know you are very self sufficient and independent, you don't need any special or extra help. ..to me, it is about. ..sure, i CAN do it, but it sure is nice when just once in a while someone steroids out and does something for ME...the only one who does this. ..amazingly enough, is my brother. Yes, my brother has been bringing me a sandwich for lunch on Sunday. .sometimes he brings me a chicken dinner. .and sometimes he does nothing still. But those little treat moments for me make me feel like the queen...even if only for a little while. He still says stuff here and there that is hurtful. .but I'm thinking it is more out of Judy not having a clue than intentional mean spiritedness. Sure is nice though. ..i can remember when Mama would take my brother and i to help aunts or grandma's or whoever that she would bake a cake, take a pack of coffee and take dinner. .i grew up seeing my Mama being so considerate i guess i thought that is what folks do. .and i still think they should do it. .but truth is most folks don't. ..

I checked with our hospice folks this morning re my cousin and learned there is in house hospice not too far away if that becomes necessary for my cousin. That is a relief. I will keep this info handy just in case. I'm so relieved to know it would be available for her if the need does arise. ...i have finally settled in my spirit that i have to make a choice. ..if i choose to be there more for the cousin, it will take me away from my Mama. .and i am not going to do that. I will do what i can within reason, but i also know she would not do it for me either. .I'm not going to feel guilty...........im not going to feel guilty. ...im not going to feel guilty
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My whine moment today is that NO ONE, no one ever asks if they can help me or do anything for me. No "would you like a cup of coffee," "Can I make you a sandwich," nothing. Nada. Nichts. Rien.

The other day, as I was feeling a tad bad about this, my husband walked into the kitchen, where I was cleaning up, and made himself a cup of tea. I must ask him 5-6 times a day if he would like a cup of tea. He did not ask me. And he is a nice guy. He just assumed that if I wanted tea, I would make it myself.

That is the reward for being capable.

And that is my whine for the day.
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Hope, You are absolutely NOT a bad person. You say there are 7 other people that could help your cousin out too....You have your Mom to take care of, (and yourself!) and this woman is out of line asking you to do this. You can't be in 2 places at once and your Mama needs you! and she is first priority!
Jude, what a fabulous idea having your Mom sort the papers! My Mom also worked in a bank years ago and maybe this would work for her too.
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My mum was a manager in a bank CM she loves nothing more than shuffling paper
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I'm green with envy, Jude. I tried that on my mother a couple of times, with papers and with clothes; but I'd reckoned without her capacity for ignoring her surroundings. I should have known better, really - she was always perfectly capable of sitting peacefully with a book or the crossword while children bled or there was smoke pouring out of the oven...
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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH I have found somethinbg that keeps Mum occupied for hours..... I can have respite DURING THE DAY. As we are moving I am sorting stuff out (of course I didnt have enough to do beforehand!!!! so its nice to find a job to stop me from being idle - removes tongue from cheek)

BUT

I have 2 filing cabinets with zillions of bits in them - the equivalent of a junk closet really. So yesterday I got the big table out and a perch stool for mum and emptied the entire contents onto the table and asked her to sort it for me. I din't tell her how to.... I left it up to her. It took her about 3 hours but she just kept at it.....normally shes bored after about 10 minutes. At the end of the morning she had thrown nothing away but it was all in neat little piles: all the papers in one pile for me to go through. Pens in a box she found, screwdrivers somewhere else - it was marvellous. now all I need to do is find a zillion more drawers!!!! Wondering now how good she would be at packing - perhaps the towels? hmm food for thought
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Can I have some cheese with my whine? I need a huge hunk of something sharp.

Today has sucked. I am so worn out, beat up, and done.

My husband made a comment about an acquaintance who divorced his first wife because she didn't want his Alzheimer's Mama living with them anymore. Mama or wife? That didn't settle well. I need a vacation!
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Hope stop feeling guilty. You are so much like me. Jeanette said it best. People who feel guilty a lot are just soft-hearted. Jeanette I hope does not mind me quoting her.

But its true. Soft-hearted people quite often get stuck holding the bag. You do enough as it is. There is a limit. Quit being so hard on yourself. You are not a bad person if you don't always drop everything to help others.
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And you're right Veronica. .cousins wife didn't go because she didn't want to go either. ..sadly my cousin starts complaining the minute you get in the car with her and it does not stop til you get home and now that you can't understand her it is even worse and i know that sounds bad again but i don't see anyone else letting her stay for these three day vacations with full maid service. ..
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Thank you all. Now that it is settling in i do feel it is not my responsibility. I remember when i lived away from home all those years. .33 to be exact. ..during that time i had surgery twice, was involved in a horrible domestic violence situation, had all manner of other near catastrophic issues and i am recalling how many people came down to see me. .or called me even. .. ZERO....i didn't even tell my parents whom i know would have been there but i knew their health was not great. .we'll Daddy's wasn't, and i also knew i could buck up and make it and i did. ..i won't deny that i don't even want to do it. ..but especially with Mama who is my priority. I feel her care would suffer and i just can't do it. She could ask others she just wants me to do it. Through my life i have always glee stuck in these situations because folks knew i would get it done and done right. I'm tired and cranky now and i don't want to do it anymore. And i know i would indeed get stuck and i am not interested in that job. Thank you all for helping me wake up again. .
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Hope your situation reminds me of this office I used to work at. One day someone would ask me if I minded helping them out with something. I did it once and then suddenly it became part of my "job description"

Next time someone asked you to do something thats above and beyond what you are reasonably able to do given your circumstances just say "its not in my job description" All tongue in cheek of course :)
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Hope - Hang in there and keep that attitude...no..no..no. It might be difficult to say no to your cousin but it is better not to even start to help because she will just want more and more and more. It would not be good for her, you or your mother to stretch you so thin you breakdown.
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No Hope there is no way. Sorry as you are for her you can't do that job. Of course your cousin's wife did not go she does not want to get lumbered with it either. She wants you to take it on because you are the only one who could take care of her(If mama wasn't there) She is not capable of thinking of anyone else's feelings or needs because she is in full panic mode and can only think of her own future which is pretty bleak at this moment. i hate to say she has made her bed but that is exactly what has happened and she must take responsibility for herself it is more than making arrangements for getting brother to look after Mama as soon as you set foot in that Dr's office you will be automatically assigned the responsible person's role.
Stand firm Hope tell her once again that you are sorry for her condition but there is no way you can or are prepared to take responsibility for her. Hugs
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Hope nothing to forgive!! You promised your Mama to care for her. Just practice in mirror saying oh no I couldn't possibly do that (quoting another thread). Do it once and you will be on the hook for cousin and your Mama will be expected to make do as she is bedfast. Cousin has already shown you this. What will happen if you were not there? She would sort it out on her own
Hugs to you and your sweet mama
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The texts are non stop...can i be brutally honest? ?? Yall don't think badly of me. .but i simply do NOT want to go. .period and i do not think it is right for her to even ask me. There are at least 7 other people who could easily go with her and Good knows all she does is sing their praises. ..i am really angry that she would even think it is my responsibility to do this. .i am angry enough that she sits on her butt and does nothing to help herself when she visited in spite of saying she felt better than she had in years. ..why do i feel like if i don't do this i am being a horrible person? ??
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Oh noooooooo...its starting again.....my cousin had to go for more tests today and this evening she started texting me trekking me they told her she was going to need some help and they insisted she bring a family member or friend next time. ..she is wanting me too be the one. I told her i thought other cousin or her friend said they could go and she is telling me they would not be much help. .in other words. .she is hinting fir me to do it. ...why my cousin who drives her there can't get his butt out of the car and go in i do not know. ..because to me what she is saying is that her needs are more important than my health or my Mama. She could see i was limping when she was here because i have pulled a muscle in my upper thigh. ..i have no isee how it happened. .but she told me the cousins wife didn't go today and can't go next time because her knee hurt. ..well, so that's ok but to heck with my leg? ??....i hate this. ..if it was as simple as just going that would be doable, but it requires either making my brother take off work or hire a diet at my expense and on top of that i don't have the mental capacity to add this to my plate. Im sorry...i just don't. It feels like she's trying to set things up to make me responsible for her. ...God forgive me. .but.no..no..no
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Now if only the good silverware started to multiply we would be in business. We could cash in and pay some bills or take one of those vacations each of us wants to take.

Jeanette - If you are not on the CC then you are not responsible/liable for the debt. If there is an estate then it gets paid out of the estate.
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If they write off credit card debt as uncollectible the credit card company can issue a 1099-C which is treated as income by IRS for estate. Might not be a problem but worth considering...just more forms to track. If you are executor letter from you with death certificate to credit card company. Also send letter to credit reporting bureaus to freeze mom's credit to avoid fraud especially with all the data breaches. Sorry to have to deal with it on top of all else.
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Jeanette - call the CC company, tell them your mother has passed away. They will probably ask about the estate and if there's any money to pay them. If not, then they will probaby write it off if you provide her death certificate. Is her estate going through probate?
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Does she have any money in her estate to pay them? otherwise I think you can call the credit card company as they probably want a death certificate.
Your POA ended at her death.
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CountryMouse when I phoned my sister and told her what she had done. Her words were "'I don't f***** care!

If she didn't care I guess I should of just let her face the music. But I guess I want my Mom's memorial to be not buzzing with undercurrents of tension. Its going to be painful enough. But I hear what you are saying CM. Any other time and I would of just left it alone.

As far as paperwork goes Susan. I hear that too. It will be a year before the will is out of probate and I am still getting Mom's bills sent to me that were paid already but because there are so many incompetent losers out there their records are not accurate.

Dishes piling up!! I hear that too. I think the forks and knives multiply like rabbits.
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