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Dear Hope it seems like you and I are the only ones posting at this time.But no one thinks you are bad for not wanting an intrusive visitor so stop beating yourself up about it. You have a right to feel how you feel.

Calm down and just take each moment as it comes. I find with me anyways that a lot of times I dread things and dread things and then when it actually happens its not as bad as I feared it would be. I think thats what Jessie was getting at.

Just remember no one is judging you on this site. Gripe away if it makes you feel better.
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One more thing i need to say and then i will stop...all of our situations are similar, and yet all are different. I only wish my A Mama could complain or guys at me, i wish she could get up and follow me around, i wish i could still argue Wirth her. I wish i could leave the house and do things with friends. A totally bedfast person is not easy. ..none of our situations are. I stand by my gripe that it is rude of someone who is basically lazy and knows my situation to just plan a three day all expense paid trip to my house and not even tell me until 10:00 tonight and anyone who thinks they would be ok with it let me know and I'll be more than happy to send her your way
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Im actually a solitary soul anyway, always have been. There is always something i can find to intrigue myself. That is one thing that helps me through all this. ..i simply don't need or want people breathing down my neck..never have. .i done miss people. ..i miss getting out and about on excursions where i might meet many folks. I have learned the hard way that most people cannot be trusted. ..there are true souls around but not many. ..but then that's just me..were all different. .which is what males this old world tick
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While i do understand what Jessie is saying and agree for the most part. .and i do not know everyone's specific situation. ..my Mama has been totally bedfast for a year and a half. ..period to that she was chair bound so to speak. I swear to god i am too d*mn tired 99% of the time to entertain and serve coffee to d*mn company. If they want to stop by for an hour or so, share a cup with me, fine, but for anyone to see anything but she unadulterated h*ll in having to clean up after, cook for and reminds to go pee before they piss on your sofa. .no thanks. ..i do nothing all day long but wear myself down to a d*mn nub daddy in and out and the lady thing i need is a seconds one to wait on.
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Thank you, Gershun. I have a history of panic attacks with agoraphobia. I also have the tendency toward avoidant personality disorder. I am horribly shy if I let myself be. The only ways I've found to keep from falling into a pit of isolation is to make myself get out and be around people. With caregiving it can be a challenge, because it is so easy to lock yourself away with the person you're caring for. They can become the only focus.

Hope, I wouldn't even notice if someone came in complaining, since I live with day-long complaining at times. And really, so what if the channel gets changed? The world will keep turning. You don't have to wait on her. You can tell her where things are and tell her to make herself at home. What I'm really hoping is that you'll actually enjoy the visit. Maybe the only thing that will lift your spirits is watching her leave, but at least that is something. Just think of it as therapy. Free therapy is always good.
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Actually JessieBelle what you said just now is right on!! I don't know about Hope's situation but with me I do avoid people a lot. I always had my Mom and she was my best friend too so I didn't think I needed other people. Now that she is gone I realize I should of nurtured my other relationships more.

So actually your opinion was very welcome and a fresh perspective. Thank-you!
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And in all honesty, right now it absolutely is about my Mama. ..that is why I'm here and she is what matters.
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Honest to God, i don't believe anyone should be ok with someone inciting themselves into my home given the circumstances especially and then sit on their butt and let me wait on them. I doubt anyone out there would enjoy that kind of visit.
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Oh God Jessie...while i do agree with the premise for the midst part. .you may not remember my previous visit from this person. No, it is not me on this one. She comes in the door complaining about everything, promptly sits down and does not move again until it is bedtime. She will not get her own drinks, coffee, does nothing to help, changes the channel on the tv that Mama is listening to, pikes Mama in the nose to make her holder. .no it is not me on this one. ...
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I sure have had my chuckles for the evening. They were very much needed for two reasons, aide problems and sibling problems.
My sister use to have me kill the spiders she was so afraid of them. Once a spider I killed fell on her bed after I hit it and she couldn't sleep in her bed that night. A 6' neighbor of mine has a problem with spiders and small creatures and he usually points to them so I take care of them.
Judy, Gershun - I have seen many of the places you have talked about...in the history book my mother bought and it has many colorful pictures too! I often think of someday moving to Germany or at least visiting to see if I would like to live there. Then Australia would be my next choice.
I hate txt msgs especially about something important like my mother's health. If someone wants to know something why can't they pick up the d!$* phone. I just don't know how to answer a question. I have to be extremely careful of what I say because my siblings pick apart every word I say or use it against me later. I have always had a problem with how I say things and they take advantage of it.
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I've read most of the messages now and wanted to insert an opinion that I know won't be very welcome. Many, many times caregivers start to be avoidant when it comes to people. There's always something wrong with everyone, so they don't want to be around them. The best therapy for avoidant behaviors is to do the thing you've been avoiding. If you avoid leaving the house, make yourself leave it. If you avoid being around people, make yourself be around them. There is a very good chance that it is you and not them. It will be good therapy.

We don't have much company here and sometimes I dread them coming in. After they're here, though, I enjoy the visit and feel so much better. People can lift your spirits. I always feel better after going out to be with people, or even after a phone call. I am not just a caregiver, I'm a person who needs other people. It would be easy to start avoiding everyone, but that would just make me sick.

So goodness, welcome others into your house and lives. Your relationship with the person you care for is not the only thing in the world. Maybe a visit will take some of the focus off of caregiving for a while.
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Well that's the odd thing because this person is someone who knows how i feel about this and the only radon i have not just told her not to come is because i feel sorry for her, she knows it and so she's going to take that and run with it. I am actually angry at myself for even Greybull to have sympathy for her but i will just get through it and know not to do it again. If it gets on my nerves too bad i plan on telling her that she needs to go on home that i am just not in a place right now where i can entertain company that long. It's my own d*mn fault for trying to reach out and help her. This is what is making me not want to be around people anymore. ..i find when i help folks *hey use it to be a green light to run wild. Well, enough of that i know. ..dang it. ..the lashes on me with a wet noodle. ..if it gets too bad yall know I'm not above mooning her
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Hope unfortunately it sounds to me like people in your life know they can walk all over you so they will continue to.

I used to have that problem with my family members until I finally grew a backbone. They know now. I'm not suggesting you suddenly start telling them to go blank themselves but maybe ease into it. Start small.
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I will quit whining promise, but she just sent me a text to not but anything special and i told her i want going to be buying anything because i didn't know she was planning on staying
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But then this is the big thing that has kept me in trouble Wirth so many people because i usually end up telling them how rude i think it is to do it and so they don't like that and then i am a b*tch. To me they are the rude ones for just inciting themselves and then sitting on their fannies. I saw my Mama wait on lazy trails all my life and it did not sit well them and it is not sitting well now
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Iagree...i had sent another post but i think i am so angry i must have deleted it instead. Please don't report me for foul language but i am so pissed right now because to me it is such a huge show off disrespect
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Hope its so rude for people to invite themselves over. People need to respect our personal boundaries. My one sister used to always assume she would stay with me after my Mom went into the nursing home. I let her stay over twice but when my Mom was in the hospital dying I couldn't deal with the added stress of having her stay over so I suggested she ask one of my three other siblings who live here. Of course they never offered but I e-mailed them recently and told them the next time she visits they have to step up.
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Well, i finally heard from my cousin and not only is she coming, she's planning on staying through most of the weekend...all age said was. .. "im planning on staying through Saturday if that's ok. I am so po'd i have not responded. Sorry i am just now letting you know. ..

OK...since i apparently lack the ability to flatten these rude folks what would you ladies have done or do. .she has had health issues so she will not be helping me do antibiotics. .if course she never helped before she had health problems either. .i am already on my last leg and had been talking to the nurse about respite because I'm ready to collapse. I truly don't like to be rude but i swear what i am doing is not working. So any helpful suggestions will be appreciated. ..the crazy part is i am not spineless but with folks i feel sorry for sure to their circumstances it is hard for me to be firm. In summation i am a moron
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Ugh, Hope! That one is SO high on my list of pet peeves it isn't funny. I value my time off, especially now that I get so little of it. Years ago, when I was married and my elderly MIL lived with us, my SIL and her kids would just show up or would tell MIL they were coming, who would not tell me, and I would be expected to not only have enough food for 3 extra people, but also to provide entertainment for them as well, despite whatever plans I had made. I did it for a while - years, in fact - but towards the end of the marriage, I started just telling SIL and MIL that if she showed up for a weekend visit unnanounced, they were on their own and would be expected to buy their own food.
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Well, i have sent two texts and my cousin who invited herself has not replied to either. If she comes she comes, i don't care. I'm going to do whatever i normally would have done and she can entertain herself. Is it just me or is this not rude? ?? Why does this crapola tic me off so badly
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Jude, you probably have seen more of the States than most of us who were born and raised here... it's always the case the city you've spent the most time in you rarely see the sights. There is a ton of stuff here in Washington DC that I never seen, and I've been here [on and off] for over 40 years.... I guess we just take it for granted.
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Hey Jude I live in Canada. Have you ever been? We spent time in Europe. We visited London, Paris, Munich, Zurich and spent a month in Ireland and visited County Tyrone where me Ma was born. My Dad was born In Russia and I would like to visit there one day. But since my Mom has just died I would love to go back to Ireland. Everyone there made us feel so at home when we were there.

In fact my hubby and I may move to Europe one day. The only thing that was keeping me here was my Mom.
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My husband detests frogs and toads. Will not go outside in summer at night as a toad may cross his path. He once locked himself in the truck when I teased him with a toad. Had to hold hands out showing I was still carrying the road.
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Ive dated a few rats, a couple of cockroaches and some real creeps. I guess I have been lucky in my earlier life. I always said when I was 40 that I had done more living before I was 40 than most people do in a life time. I travelled all over the world except Oz no desire to go there either so I havent missed anything. I do want to go to Russia jsut to see the beautiful buildings. I am going to my mecca next year for 4 days to Auschwitz where my forefathers ended their days in a horror that supercedes anything we can ever comprehend. But my main goal when all of this is done is to go back to the states. I have never been made to feel so welcome , met such nice people anywhere else in the world. Yes I have done Disney both of them but I adored Colorado and the rockies, (was fascinated by something that looked like a circus tent but was in fact Denver airport)I could have spent the rest of my days by lake Oahe. I got scared going up the space needle in Seattle, was staggered by the size of Mount Rushmore but I have a list as long as your arm of places I want to see in your beautiful country. And the best bit? For me the wide open spaces and huuuuuuuuge skies.. the worst bit? coming face to face with a rattle snake well ok 6 feet but thats a darn site closer than I wanted to be. the funniest? learning to shoot a gun and then falling for the can you hit a coke can and hitting the one that was closest and just 'happened to be full' I was drenched. The oddest? walking into an apache store and being greeted by utter silence until they realised I was not a Yank (is that rude to call American Yanks?) but a Brit. Happy happy days that I hope to relive. H*ll if I hired a big enough camper van I could visit you all well not all but some of you
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My brothers and sisters used to get me to kill spiders when I was young but for some reason I am more afraid of them now. My dear Ma used to tell me "they are more afraid of you than you are of them" Well yeah they better be afraid, be very afraid cause if they are in my domain they better be prepared to kiss their a** good - bye. If they are outside no problem, thats their domain.

Jude, you have led such a colorful life, I tell ya. I once dated a guy who had a pet snake. That was too much for me. But a spider, no way. I've also dated a lot of snakes too, but thats another story.
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Ah now vampire bat saliva is alleged to have some effect of protection against rabies which is wierd since bats transmit rabies too
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paying not pating^^ duh!
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Hubby is terrified of wasps so he comes screaming to me to kill them. He does deal with the bigger things though like rabid skunks.
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Susan I am in stitches here the whole notion of you behaving like John McEnroe on centre court is just too too funny (yes I know John McEnroe played tennis but nevertheless it was the first thought that came into my head) In the UK Bats are a protected species and you're not allowed to get rid of them. I swear if ever I move to a place that has them I would be moving again yuk yuk yuk. I went up the Amazon years ago and you could hear the bats hitting the side of the ship as they swooped in for the moths...horrible. but not as horrible as the medicine man who used some form of pickled bat to make an infusion that sick people were pating to drink.....It was no wonder the hospital was almost on his doorstep I damned near needed from just watching them drink the stuff - VILE
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Why is it that when I am so frightened of bugs people think I am silly? My mother used to pick up spiders and crane flies and BRING them to me to show me they were ok. I can remember screaming, I threw a cup of hot tea all over my brother once because he followed mums actions and let a crane fly go in front of me.. I DO KNOW they can't hurt me but it doesn't stop the fear. if it flies I am not keen unless it is bees wasps hornets - anything that can actually do me harm I am fine with! how daft is that?

But moths, said creepy crawlies and butterflies scare me to death, especially moths and spiders and crane flies. I once used up every glass in a house where I was babysitting. they had an almost white carpet and it was autumn I swear the spiders honed in because they knew I was there. When the parents came home I had placed a glass over each one...it looked like an obstacle course for pets!

I now have conkers (dont know what you clal them but they come from the horse chestnut tree) in the corner of every room and now we dont have spiders! yippeee
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