I'm tired of cooking/preparing 3 meals a day. It's just the two of us but boy oh boy can that woman eat!! She stays slimish, I get fattish. It's bad enough I do everything here much less start making her one thing and me the other. At times I feel guilty when I buy her fast food cuz of the nutritional value....not to mention I eat it too.
gershun - makes total sense. Slowly you put things away. You can always take them down when you need to.
cmag - interesting about your son's college friends. That parental voice is around a long time. Sometimes listening to it is good, sometimes not. It is important to have the choice.
My youngest son noticed in college that many of his friends had problems with college like choosing a degree to major in from his perspective because they had issues with their parents that they needed to resolve. That is an insight that I've not heard before or considered, but it must carry some truth for some.
Unfortunately not all mothers or dads either raise their children with the privacy and increasing independence to discover their own sense of identity so that they are ready to fly from the nest when it's time. While many do leave physically and geographically even, their moms remain a strong voice in their heads for we are programmed to not be free or we have memories of past abuse from which we have not gained freedom. Sometimes, both problems go together.
I think that given a person's background some may reach the point to be their own teacher and guide instead of mom or dad living in their heads sooner than others, but some never do for they never had a chance.
Anyway, that's my opinion.
Right now I've got it all out on the table but I know eventually I am going to have to put it up on the shelf. Does that make any sense?
When my Mom was dying in the hospital I had the phone by my side all the time when I wasn't with her. Then it dawned on me its not like the call is gonna be good news. There wasn't going to be a happy ending. At least not for me.
I'm happy for her she is not in pain anymore but when does my happy ending come? I probably sound selfish. And thats the other thing. When you spend a lot of time grieving you almost start to feel like you are feeling sorry for yourself. The line between missing your Mom and how shitty you are feeling gets kind of blurred.
Some of the labels are in her maiden name, at addresses I've heard of but were hers long before my time. One is clearly marked for despatch to Lt. L. B. at her barracks, soon after the war - this is history, the life she lived. But it's also invading the house, and what am I to keep it FOR? I never travel. I will have to move, but who needs ferociously heavy packing cases when there are perfectly good cardboard cartons to be had? And of course nobody else would want this stuff, I can't even find it a good home…
Aaarggh. I called it a day and shut the door.
I really mind that my mother is dead, I can't shake the feeling of failure even while I know it's ridiculous - I didn't fail, I did the opposite of fail, the whole point of the last six years was to bring her in for a soft landing and that's exactly what happened, mission accomplished; but somehow I'm still feeling that she's not supposed to be *dead* at the end of it!!! That wasn't the plan! What, then? Not dead? Living forever? It's only now occurring to me that I should have thought this through before.
You just cry if you want.
My problem is I can't seem to cry anymore. My tears are all stuck in my chest and I feel like they are smothering me. The nights are the worst. I have these dreams of my Mom when she was young and happy and then I wake up and its like she died all over again.
Sorry if I sound like a sad sack all the time. But this grieving process sucks.
I wish I could be cold and indifferent like my siblings (just for a little while) then I could go back to being caring, overly sensitive and full of guilt. (my usual M O)
Each and every caregiver and every case is different, what might be simple for one would be difficult for another. So never be sorry to whine.
Really now, my parents claim they are "independent" and can manage, and in some respect they can. But the independence stop when they open up the front door of their house.
They no longer drive... someone has to get their groceries otherwise it would take 12 hours to grocery shop if I took them.... someone needs to mow their lawn and put down fertilizer... someone needs to get the gunk out of the house gutters...
when it snows Dad [93] can only lift a few shovel fulls and his doctor would be quite upset knowing he was out on such a cold day, but heaven forbid if there was an emergency and Dad had to get the car out of the garage [ah, Dad, if there was an emergency the fire dept has shovels].
Dad is always complaining he is bored... if one is truly independent one wouldn't be board. And I would make a lousy cruise director.
The name "independent living" should be changed to "Almost Independent Living" !!
I'm going to chime in on how different life is after caring for so long. Not only do I find I prefer my own company, staying close to home, I've noticed that I seriously have forgot how to speak to people, especially strangers, you know like making small talk standing in line at the store or something?...My sense of humor is gone and I am now the most serious person I have ever known. It's rather disturbing to me... PLUS I tend to internalize everything, I have to work it around in my frazzled brain for a long time before I act on whatever it is. I am so unsocial and lacking in fun happy emotions that I bore myself :/ Yesterday when coming back from a brief wally mart trip 1 of the 2 friends I have here pulled up as I got home, her and her mother where in the car and asked how I was doing. Well, it was another sad hard day for me, so of course within in minutes of our conversation I started welling up with tears again, she went to get out and give me a hug and I stopped her... later on I felt awful that I had done that but at that moment in time I couldn't handle a hug because it meant another breakdown for me and a lonely evening crying. I just wanted to go about my business, mow my lawn and prepare for that d*mn pool to FINALLY go up (hopefully next week, they are delivering 800 lbs of it today)
Gershun, same thing happened to me as what your sister did at the hospital. My SIL went with me to the funeral home along with Lisa, my carer. My SIL just talked and talked about how mom has been the past few years like she was around her ALL the time. Me n Lisa just looked at each other with puzzled expressions. Lisa has been with me and mom for a year and she's never ever met my SIL. Funny how people insert themselves to seem important in front of others isn't it?
Katie, those type of nights are just awful.... you're so tired you just want to sleep but yet your heart is breaking thinking how scared your mother must feel. You think this is the worst of the worst with your moms battle with AD, but no... it get's much worse.
You know, I have figured out why I am torn up and heartbroken over moms death. It's not so much she died, it's HOW she died and what she had to go through that hurts so much. I can almost see why Kasey Kasem's wife took him away. If I had lots of money I swear I would have wrapped mom up in my arms and swooped her away to a place filled with joy and happiness and away from this sibling rivalry crap and the wicked way we were treated. Being the main person with mom there was no way I could be happy happy cheery cheery all the time.
Jude, glad everything went well for you!!
Hope honey, isn't it just wonderful when your mama wakes up with a smile? I'd give almost anything to see mom smile again, unfortunately that disease robbed mom of the ability to smile or show joy the past 6 months... Oh God, here comes the tears again... so unfair this disease is...
As I drove on 664 to 64 West out of Norfolk last night, I thought how scary this person probably found this driving on such a huge and I mean very large interstate which is one of several ways out of there,but still the traffic is wild!
Now she is woe is me you dont know what its like I have a pain in my neck (hmm thinks me so do I!!!!!) She has to keep a patch on for 12 hours - this is going to be a very very long twelve hours.... I can feel it in me water!!!!!
Veronica I wish it was 50 years ago I would have had 10 days break you foolish woman!!!!!! bless you. The surgery is really simple they used ultrasound to get the cataractout and then just put a new lens in - I have both my eyes done and zero problem until afterwards when I realised that the matching jumper and cardigan thought I was wearing were two different and clashing colours - got those off darned quick let me tell you!!
Oh well off for more verbal abuse - catch youall later !!! xxxx to all carers keep the faith - the faith that you can do this that is
Cmagnum...agreed...as soon as Mama started having issues i told my brother he needed to stop jumping off her car. ..she definitely did not need to be driving abs we probably should have stopped it sooner. .we were very lucky as she was notorious for giving money to whoever approached her in the grocery store parking lot. .it could just as easily been someone who hit her in the head and robed her or worse. My getting what she needed was worth knowing she would not be on the road again. ..
Something a bit new as dads AL is having bonfire night at 6:30. Hoping rain holds off. I will be able to see how dad is later in the evening if his confusion is better or worse.
I didn't sleep much last night. Mom yelled about an ugly face in the room at 9pm after falling asleep at 7pm. I reasured her all was ok and that mine was the only ugly face here. She seemed to feel calmer after that. Then at 3 am she began yelling and asking where she was...again I had to go in and calm her down and left a low wattage light burning. All was quiet after that.
I totally understand about people running away when you are in caregiver mode. I am filing away who did that, and will make myself scarce someday from their lives if they start calling once Mom is gone .Fair weather friends. How creepy they are! (Now I sound like Wally Cleaver).
So in some ways I have only myself to blame for having to do it all but at the same time when you know your Mother is elderly you should assume that she might need help and offer to right? and thats what I could not understand with my family.
I resented the fact that when my Mom was dying in hospital my sister was camping out by my Mom's bedside like the dutiful daughter (that she wasn't)
Ah don't get me started.....
Yeah they are busy but they make time to get their teeth whitened and to get their hair done etc. etc. so whats more important. Its all about priorities isn't it?
You will handle that time well cause it takes tons of strength to care for an aging loved one and you are doing that. We are the strong ones.