My "whine moment today." What's yours?

CM is spot on - when humans were created someone/something somewhere went drastically wrong in the thinking process re death and dying. We all believed we were immortal and unfortunately mortality is going to come to us all. It is HOW it comes that is so awful. I think we all wish to pass in our sleep without pain and without suffering but it just doesnt happen that way. We have to stop grieve, feel emptiness and be bereft of normality for a while then move slowly forward back into the warm glow of life and living, for now it is time for you to put together your mum's plans for your future and make the most of your and your family's life. For that is the best way to honour her

Gershun, how are we going to cut this out?

I should never have let my mother go and stay with my brother for that week in December.
I should have followed my irresponsible amateur instinct and stuffed a soluble aspirin into her the second I suspected a stroke.
I shouldn't have left the hospital when she had her second stroke and I got sent home, even if it meant hiding in the ladies' room and sneaking back onto the ward.
I should have stayed with her throughout the day in rehab so that I could give her more fluids and insist on her being transferred for toileting.
I should have got her a cat as soon as she came home, even if it meant kidnapping.
I should have put my foot down and insisted we try physical therapy for longer before resorting to Baclofen for her dystonia.
I should have stopped the Baclofen as soon as I saw any side effects.
I should have been more forceful about eating, drinking and mobility PT.
I should have hired more help so that she was never left unsupervised.
I should have been nicer to her and kept my stupid mouth shut.

And where does this get me? And where does dwelling on what your mother went through get you? And what alternatives, realistically, were available to us?

My mother was 90 and had lived with CHF for 20 years. Your mother was terribly ill and in pain. The process of dying is a terrible thing. We do what we can to ease it, but medicine is not perfect and there is a limit to how effectively we can alleviate suffering. I'm blaming myself for not escaping death. You're blaming yourself for not seeing to it that your mother experienced zero suffering. Our expectations are of the impossible.

Plus: we are supposed to feel sad. Our mothers are dead. I think we just have to mourn and wait.

I know sweetheart I have been in that dark dark place...I had to actually sign to agree to the morphine which eventually killed him which made it doubly hard - they dont ask you to do that any more in the UK. Right now you will be going over and over the passing ...it IS part of the grieving process so do let it happen honey. I can tell you that eventually you will pass through the process (and it is a process) and when you are out and in the sunshine once more the dark days dont return as often and the glowing memories of the wonderful woman your mum was will remain in your heart forever.

Her discomfort was not of your making honey. Palliative or comfort or whatever name is given to end of life care is not care at all so why they dont just do it with dignity is beyond me but they dont so we are left to pick up the pieces of our lives with allthe emotional baggae that attaches to death.

That said when would be the 'right' time to do it? Would you have signed your mother away? Could you have lived with that afterwards? The whole issue of euthenasia is fraught with potential risks. Its just a shame that there are not people out there who can be trusted to act entirely within a framework that would give the relatives and the individual peace at such a difficult time and at the right time. Huge hugs darling and dont worry about what you are torturing yourself with just let it happen. PS dont get too used to that pain though - wallowing is not a safe place to be - been there done that wore the T shirt and it was a darned difficult place to get out of

Don't be ridiculous Jude. You don't belong in a dark slimy pool. I recognize what you are all going through with your parents. In my case I was lucky. My Mom was a saint. The sweetest, kindest person that I ever met.

The whole experience with so called"comfort care" was a real slap in the face for me. My thanks for a lifetime of trying to care for my Mom.
Starving someone and depriving them of fluids until they die is inhumane and cruel if you ask me. Yes, they gave her morphine. But they didn't monitor her enough and occasionally the morphine wore off. When I think of the discomfort she was possibly going through at those moments I feel like I am going to go insane.

I know rehashing this in my mind over and over (especially since she is now passed) is torturing myself but I just can't seem to stop myself.

I am so sad and mad at the same time.

Gersh darling I know just how you feel...my dad was THE sweetest loveliest person that ever walked (ok ok apart from everyone's special person) I worshipped the ground he walked on and would have trodden on red hot coals to not see him in pain and suffering. 17 years on I still feel that way about him. My guilt (if that is what it is) is that I wont feel that way when Mum passes. I will cry at the funeral but for the loss of my Dad more than for her. I sound terrible and I know I do but I am trying to be as honest as I can be. I shouldn't be looking after I guess, feeling as I do but the debt I owe my Dad far far outweighs all of that and THAT is the only reason I do it.....now I think I had better slink off to some dark slimy pool where I belong

Jeanette, I love the pool and the garden and the flowers. It was like seeing pretty flowers in the sad things that are going on. And yes, hire professionals for the pool! I know you'll be glad you did. Sometimes we have to treat ourselves to professionals. We have enough in our lives without tackling huge monster projects. God be with you, gf.

Katie, I agree with whine makes everything so trivial! There are some whines here but the majority are, if not major issues, they are major concerns.

Hey all !!

Glad to see everyone is still living the excitingly fun happy life ;) I'm surprised no one went out dancing or to dinner tonight, after all, it is Friday . . .

Gershun (((hugs))) there are times when I (felt) the same as you... I'd rather have mom here even if she drove me crazy!! LOL. Sadly, I just don't feel that way any longer. Like Katie mentioned, it's the "SUFFERING". The suffering is not just limited to your loved one but also the suffering YOU go through. One day they're on deaths door banging away to be let in... the next day they're eating up a storm, 1 good day to 5 incredibly bad days. When I say eating up a storm, I really mean, she's managed to eat a small container of applesauce, small container of jello and drink 2 ensure's. Hard to explain the plethora of emotions this takes you through... like teetering on the edge of a cliff...being in constant fear and the worst, the heartbreaking sadness you get to go through every time they want someone to open deaths door. Such an hideously insidious cruel disease :/ If pets had this disease and were "end stage", we as their loving, do the right parent, would have them euthanized, as this is NO WAY to live.

So, with that said, mom continues on with the good/bad days. Some days she will eat/drink and others she won't. Her only enjoyment in life these past months has been sleep. Her body is stiff and sore... it hurts her to be jostled around and I can give her only so much pain meds. She did have the catheter put in and thank you God! Now I don't have to stand over her sobbing while I change her briefs as she will wince and ask me to please stop hurting her. Much nicer on both of us just emptying the bag and gently changing her position. As far as the catheter helping her bed sore... not happening. Never will. Truth be told, the longer she lives the bigger it becomes. It's already tripled in size since it started and has started "tunneling". It doesn't hurt her... to me though, it's like a thousand knives being stabbed into my heart when I change the dressing or help the nurse change it. No, there is no quality of life here for her anymore. The heartbreaking helplessness this makes one feel is almost too much to bare. Almost.

Heard some disturbing news today... although Oregon is a "Die With Dignity" state, Alzheimer's isn't covered :( It seems the doctor has to give you 6 months to live. Well, by then I won't be nothing but a suffering vegetable. I must come up with another way in case this horrendous disease marks me as it's next victim.

Alrighty then.... exciting news! Pool is delivered on Monday. This is starting to FREAK me out!! LOL I think I bit off way way more than I can handle. WAY MORE! hahaha!! Me thinks I need to waive the white flag on us trying to install this big boy ourselves and hire a professional to do it. After reading the 25 pages of technical sounding instructions it was an easy conclusion that my brothers and I were not the correct group of people to do this :D I may have to auction off some of my stuff and cash in several silver dollars (thanks Grandma) but I sure will feel "SAFER" if it's done by a knowledgeable person.

Garden is all planted out back and the strawberries are ripening in the front. Now, if summer would actually arrive and stay for awhile we will be good to go.

Gershun, it wasn't you that made me feel bad...I guess it was just this very rough day I had and I am feeling kind of sensitive after all that. I am glad tomorrow is a new day to start fresh again....

Katie it was never my intent to make anyone feel bad. Please don't take what I said as a criticism of you or anyone on here.

We all have our moments and you are right. This is a place to vent. So don't censor yourself at all. Forgive me if I made you or anyone else feel bad.

katie, I don't think Gershun was referring to you. What you wrote was not critical of your mother at all. Sometimes a post is not referring to the one it follows. It could have been Jude or me, who are helping mothers who are not always so nice.

Thanks Boni.
I just feel so bad, and the terrible health issues my Mom has had with deep wound all the way to the bone incurred in a bad nursing home last summer, inoperable sarcoma for 13 years, diabetes, loss of ability to stand or walk, continual fecal and urinary incontinence, constant infections, osteomyletis and delirium, are more than just "day to day inconveniences"...it has been terrible watching my poor Mom suffer from these things for so long. I guess my whine from before made it sound like just a trivial worry, which it is so much more than that which anyone going through this knows.

No need to apologize. Thats what this thread is all about. Gersh prefaced her comment to explain her own "whine" "vent" "emotions" ect. We all feel what we feel when we feel it. Hugs to you both for what you are going through.

I am sorry. You are right about the worry etc. I just had a very bad day where my Mom said she is dying and I watched her suffer all day and I got very emotional and frightened. She was not surly or angry, just suffering. That is hard to watch. I just thought this was a place I could have my whine moment, didn't mean to sound ungrateful it was a rough day.......I have been going through ups and downs for 18 years now.

I'm not trying to lay any kind of trips on anyone so take what I am about to say in the nature it is intended.

I would give anything to trade my grief over the loss of my mother for the day to day worries, inconveniences etc. etc. Mind you my Mom was never demanding, surly, angry. She was always sweet natured.

Boy this day was as rough as it's beginning. Mom didn't feel well today...didn't eat... slept all day. Then at dinnertime she did eat a decent amount and went right back to sleep. This is all so worrisome. The rollercoaster of emotions, worries and fears of caregiving just wear one out... I am going to grab a shower and try to get a little sleep....Need strength for what may come out of left field as it usually does.

Oh Shilo that made me smile - I have already written 23 or so books... all of them on very boring factual stuff for students as for a novel ...hmmm now if I wrote one on caring for people with dementia I would be classed as cruel by all except those who have lived through caring for people with dementia.

the fun memories are elusive and only surface occasionally . when mom was already on haldol and pretty out there she stepped into my bedroom door one day and said she just had one question . obviously this would be the hardest question id ever have to answer . " are you going to make me some soup tonight or do i need to find something else ? " .
are you shitting me ? soup is so easy . i had to laugh and make with the soup immediately . my mom was a picky eater , i feel honored that she loved my gruel .
it started with a grandson introducing her to suckways broccoli soup while she was in AL for a couple of months . i can blow that swill out of the water with a little cornstarch thickener and a cup of sour cream . ( and did ) .
mom and i had some fun moments and a whole lot of hopeless ,. sad ones .
bipolar sucks , its worse than dementia and assrot combined ..

man , im sure we were all nightmarish teens . dam if it doesnt come back around . my mom was sweet for the most part near end of life but with the dementia , bipolar , and schitzo disorder she could put up a fuss sometimes that would make your head spin .
once she informed me that she knew what i was up to -- my friends on motorcycles were circling the house every night to drive her mad so i could inherit her money . i had to inform her that i had no friends and if i did they would surely have better things to do than circle her house all night long . it was based in reality . mine and my sons bike shack was out back , drive thru , and indeed we used to completely circle the house in our comings and goings .
i was just funnin with you jesse . i done a shitty job of caring for moms emotional and social needs until i learned about dementia and learned she was near her end of life . in my defense , i broke my ass to research the condition and we spent the last 10 months in a very sweet atmosphere . besides , i call everybody " hor " what was your point exactly ?
im baking myself some brotchen rolls this afternoon . i just spent nearly a month on ladders of various varieties , painting , and i need something familiar and comforting today .
good luck to everybody . this s*it is mind ripping and you dont shrug it off in a matter of months -- your forever changed and imo , for the better .

Jude - Are you sure you are not secretly taking your time planning one's demise? ... or are you practicing your hand at writing a novel?

Can I just say anyopne who is even THINKING of taking said person who needs 24/7 care on holiday you need to see a shrink first - not for them - FOR YOU. I have just done 5 days, it ahs felt like 5 weeks and I am so impressed with myself I just have to share.
I took her for a walk by the lake and didnt push the chair in
I took her swimming and didnt drown her
I went up some extremely steep hills and despite her comments like if you go any slower we might as well not bother and I DIDNT let her go at the top so she would go hurtling to the bottom of said hill
I now know that if it is dark and you dont turn the light off the window becomes like a mirror - and if you had heard it 17 times in less than one hour (how sad am I that I counted) you would know that too (like I didnt already know it)
I do know that squirrels like to eat bread - Mum they are rodents they eat anything - they are not rodents I want one - you cant have one they are NOT pets Argument follows
Thats a duck yes mum it's a mallard - no its not its a duck - OKAY - Name calling follows - grandson now calls me stupid
Ive been awake all night - erm no Mum I have been in 3 times and you were sound asleep - the owls kept me awake - there are no owls here Mum - there is one in the wardrobe and it kept me awake all night - Argument follows
I am now home and a rather sweet male friend ooh la la is going to take me away for the weekend for a well deserved break. What do you need a break for youve just had 5 days away - its not like you had to do anything - aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh - so glad I havent unpacked the carving knife - or I would slit my wrists

I used to love to travel and it helped keep me happy knowing there were other places out there besides here. Now I can only get to the grocery store for a 'vacation'. If someone would have told me just 2 years ago what I would be going through with my Mom, I too would never have believed it could get this bad and for so long. I will get a 2 week vacation when I am 6 ft. under. I feel pretty bad now, not a good way to start the day.

Vacations--my mom looks forward to them since she goes to a local AL and gets better food than I can manage to cook for her. But I don't dare tell my siblings in case they decide to show themselves into mom's house and help themselves to books, clothes, dishes,.etc. which has happened before. Sometime this summer my spouse & I will go on 2 wk 2nd honeymoon, and for that longer stretch I am having someone I trust more than my own siblings, stay in her house. If anyone had told me 40 yrs ago that I would have to do these things I never would have believed it!

I haven't told my dad that I will be going on a 2 week vacation in June. From past experience, he will do the major guilt-trip interspersed with me stealing his money to buy my ticket (no, brother used his miles for it) and then anger that I'm leaving him - and he's very sick (no, he's just bedridden because he refused to do PT after his very mild stroke because it 'hurts' to do those PT.)

I've already bought enough pampers, toilet tissues, wipes to last until I return. My friend is willing to move in for the 2 weeks I'm gone to watch/cater to dad 24/7. I asked fave niece if she can cover weekends from 830am-5pm so that my friend can go and party or be with her family/grandkids. I just haven't broken the 'bad' news to dad, yet. He will be at me 24/7 until the day I leave. Oh, man, the perfect FOG scenario.

Juddha, did your mother know you were moving today? My mother gets "sick" if she knows my brother is leaving on vacation that day. He stopped telling her when they were leaving because of this. I don't find out they're on vacation until I see something on Facebook.

I took care of my Mom for10 months before she passed. She was very youn, but the day after shepassed, i went home and my phone rag. I jumped out of bed calling mom, thinking it was her on the phone. It's been over 10 year. I still talk to her. I'm a realist, i knew it was coming, i was "Prepared ", NO ONE is prepared.
Take it a day at a time. I still miss my mother, very much. It's your loss, no one can tell you how you should handle it.

This morning I was looking forward to packing for a move to a new place. Entering a nice senior housing place myself: cheap rent, nice woods, financial blessing, more privacy, and still not living too far from my mother who has only me to be there for her. But then when I made my daily call to my mother she wasn't feeling well and was worried she would have a stroke or something serious happen today. So I dropped everything and had to be with her all day, take her to the doctor, who simply assured her that nothing was new and she was ok. At least I took her food shopping and got that over with.

Many times I am glad she is here, and other times I wish I could live my life without her. She constantly puts me down, often without realizing it, is annoying in a zillion ways, has anxiety over everything and really puts such a dent in my whole being, it's hard to come back to myself and be peaceful and happy. Then I feel guilty for wishing that she'd just pass on quickly and stop being so miserable. The cycle seems to never end. Every positive aspect of my life is shadowed by her, tied to her, and I so resent it!! I just had to vent. Thanks. I know there are at least a few of you who relate to this.

ROFL, Capn. :D

somebodys gotta say it jesse . i feel sorry for your mother sometimes because of the awful things you say about her .
( grin , shrugs shoulders )

I took my mother to the oncologist today -- a relative of ours. There was nothing wrong. Oh, surprise. When we were coming out, Mom started talking of how relieved she was and started doing her little girl thing. I told her there was nothing cute about what she did -- that she didn't realize how angry I was. I told her she wanted to have cancer, so she could tell everyone she had it. She told me she didn't care if I was angry, then went back to trying to talk at me. I am still so angry that I don't want to look at her or talk to her. She knew nothing was wrong. She is just an awful person. (And no, it's not the disease. She's just awful.)