My "whine moment today." What's yours?

Veronica - thanks. It wasn't me talking about suicide. (I may feel like it sometimes, but never would actually do it!) That was someone else, can't scroll back far enough to see who.

CM you have Hospice don't you? can you ask them to provide the oxygen? Is Mum actually short of breath, cold or blue at the extremeties? If so they should automatically supply it. Again no reason she can't have a touch of oramorph as long as she tolerates it. I don't remember did Mum have COPD before the second stroke? I know you never take "No" for an answer so go for it. Mum deserves as much comfort as possible.

To all of you at the end of your rope make a big knot in it and hang on.
remember even pregnancy does come to an end. Nothing unusual about looking for a way out. It happens to many in all kinds of life circumstances. No need to be ashamed talk about it and look for personal solutions. If your loved one does not like your solution they would like a final one even less.

Susan it is hard to find that money so you can leave for a couple of hours but you need the break. I don't like handing over $70 every two weeks to get my house cleaned but I like the back pain and exhaustion even less if I try and do it myself. Now if you are seriously planning suicide and have the means you need to go to the nearest ER and ssk help. Let the police know you are leaving your loved one alone so they can arrange care for him/her. it is that urgent. There are also suicide prevention hot lines you can call. Just talking to someone who understands can help a lot.

An old joke comes to mind....

I'm only here because I'm too old for a paper route, too young for a retirement home and too tired to have an affair.

or something like that...

If the thought crosses my mind to end it all I am just wayyy too tired to do that! Circumstances will probably take care of that on their own without my ever having to lift a finger against myself. If a charging rhino came at me I might not move outta the way though....

Oh my gosh, Dee...sorry, but that made me laugh. Much needed laugh this morning, too.

Went out to get groceries and run several errands last night and was gone a little longer than expected - 4 hours. Mom assured me she would be ok while I was gone, and I called and checked on her twice. Found out when I got back that Mom can no longer stay alone that long. Chair paid saturated with urine, puddle on the floor, and a trail of urine on the floor to the bathroom. Why? Because she went to the bathroom while I was gone and forgot to put underwear and an incontinence pad on. (sigh) It's not a very big leap to think that her forgetfulness could have led to something far worse - like a forgotten stove burner left on, water left running, etc. So there goes my little grocery store vacations. I have one week to figure out how to handle that, which means hiring a caregiver to come in just so I can get groceries.

The pay I had from 2 weeks ago went to stock up for daughter's "stay" as she tried to leave a bad marriage - and then went right back to him not even a week later. Last week's pay went to re-stock "good" groceries after daughter left and took all the junk food she and the kids eat with her - Mom and I don't eat like that. Then a run to the store this morning because I realized I forgot Mom's incontinence pads and had to make a deposit to the bank to cover some of Mom's bills that she doesn't have enough to pay anymore, leaving a grand total of $2.00 in my account for the week. So this week's pay will have to go to catch up on bills, pay child support on my youngest, and TRY to hire a caregiver to come in for 2-4 hours a week so I can get groceries - at $20/hour.
Daughter better not think she's coming back, because I can't afford it. It's going to take me a month to catch up at this rate.

I'm so cross. Also alarmed, but mainly cross. It's unfortunate but can't be helped that mother's new GP has seen her only on three occasions and each time, as luck would have it, mother has been at a low ebb for one reason or another. So now I have just bitten through my tongue when she (GP) countered my request for an O2 sats capillary test and possibly home oxygen with a proposal to put mother on Oromorph.

I did what my ex-husband does when he violently disagrees with someone and quietly cleared my throat. Good trick, that - it stops you saying the first words that come to mind which in today's case were "F*** off!!!"

My mother is frail but she is not actively dying. And treating low O2 with oxygen is hardly heroic. I can't help feeling that this new and more vigorous GP is in a bit of a hurry to see her off...

Morning caregiver walked in this morning. She is a fussbutt...always...means well, though. Anyway, she came in and the dogs were ripping up a Kleenex on the rug by the door while I was getting mom settled in the living room. She's fussing at the dogs and ma says to her "you know what Dee and I would like?" Caregiver replies "what?". Mom says "if just one day you'd walk in the door and not complain". Oh, sh*t. Caregiver responds "well okay then, I won't say ANYTHING!". My mom responds with...wait for it..."well, that would be a treat!". Some days mom's real clear...guess today was one of them.

Gospelgirl223 you're not alone. For years the exact same thought crossed my mind. I thought I was going crazy until I recently found this site. Yes, things get overwhelming but now I know there are people out there going through the same situation. For some reason that helps me and I hope it helps you knowing you are not alone. You're doing the best you can under the circumstances and you deserve a big hug and a "great job" award. Try not to dwell on "doing enough to pull my weight..." but on what you've been able to do to help out.

No, I've never thought about ending it all. I like me too much. But I don't have such a strong will to keep living as I once did. When I hear things like things to do to live a longer life, I think "meh." My ears do perk up when I hear about things to do to live a happier life.

Has anyone on here ever thought about ending it all? I am not suicidal or anything like that, it just crossed my mind when I feel overwhelmed sometimes and feel like I am not doing enough to pull my weight in taking care of my sick aunt and running things around the house.

Well said Katie 222. I totally identify with the list of "later"s.
My MIL moved in here for what I thought would be a short time with her dementia and other physical issues. So it's always been temporary..................and I thought I still had the laters coming. BUT it's been over 2 years!! So much was put on hold in my life. And now..........like you said, I'm beginning to lose interest in my later list. :( As far as the obits.....yes, I so get it. MIL is 90 and I am in my early 60"s. You are right -those are the ages you so often see. The old folks and their exhausted caregivers.

Jeanette, I see the same things, a park, etc. and think I would like to walk through the park, hike a long trail, buy some outfit, etc. and then it comes to me that word "later". My life is a huge list of laters. I am beginning to lose interest in the list. I am worried as some people I know that have done caregiving got so depressed and guilt ridden after their parents died that all they could do is shut down and sleep.They felt too guilty to buy that dress or travel. One woman I know lost her husband after it was all over as she just could not snap out of the guilt, and they should have been rebuilding their lives. This has become an epidemic that crept up on us as people are suddenly living to be in their 90's and every week one or two in the local paper that are 100 or over...it doesn't even make the news anymore. Then the plethora of obits in their 50s and 60s with the many in their 90s on the page.....It scares me this extreme.

JeanetteB caregiving is definitely becoming an epidemic. Probably cause aging baby boomers parents are now elderly. I can really relate to the emotional chatter going on in your head remark.

Learning how to distance yourself emotionally while still loving your parent is sooo hard.

Tried to order Always Discreet panties at my usual online vendor (CVS) and they apparently don't carry them anymore. Grr.

Ack we were driving tonight to meet my Sil and Bil for dinner when I get call that dad agitated can I talk. I had a nice visit about 2 1-2 hrs earlier. This time wants to go home but locked in a church. Cannot distract. Said I will come tomorrow am to take him home knowing he will not remember. Talked with sis and shortly after sis gets the same call. Dad wants to leave church and get the girls, my sis said I am one of the girls and dad replied no you are not. She tried same distractions and got him willing to go to his room. The aides said he was agitated last nite too. This is several times in past couple of weeks and has me thinking about contacting his doctor about medication. Any ideas or thoughts of what I should do?

Hi Girls! I hope everyone had an enjoyable relaxing weekend!... however, upon trying to catch up with everyone it seems it's just been a "doozy" all over the world.

juddaboo.... Yep, been doing the same emotional ride like you are. I know I've said this a kathousand times but the emotional aspect of caregiving is, to me, the HARDEST. I can deal with the monotonous (just barely) day to day routine, but the emotional chatter that goes on inside my head is just ridiculous. It makes me keep close to myself and not involve others. I fear I'm turning into a psychotic recluse LOL!! Not really, but maybe... it's just less stress inside my head not to have a bunch of nonsense going on around me. See? Here I go again. Geez but I longer for normal conversation that doesn't involve bowel movements/stiffness/medication/pressure sore/depends/wipes/turning/positioning... bleh Oh, did I mention the loneliness? That's becoming a problem also... well, can't say it's all loneliness but add this incredible "longing" for...? I look around at the gorgeous countryside and walk the rivers praying for a miracle of sorts... then I tell myself "you can't do anything right now, you've got to keep mom together, then get yourself back together" before I can do anything... yada yada yada...

Mom is doing ok under the circumstances... one day she eats/drinks, the next day she clamps her mouth closed. One day she's chatty Kathy, the next it's a shrug of the shoulders or nothing. If it wasn't for Hospice I'd have no one... I think I heard on the news something about caregiving becoming an epidemic? Anyone hear this?

Anywho... just wanted to pop in, say hello, so HELLO! and wish everyone a much better week ahead :)

Cwillie you hit the nail on the head if they can put mom in a facility then they cross one more off their books....aint gonna happen

Facing up to my own emotions of loss before the loss happens is the toughest part of being a daughter to aging parents in their 90s. I am wading through guilt, acceptance, anger, anguish, and sorrow. You all know the list well!

This year I am really learning how to deeply acknowledge those feelings and also how to control them by building up my own willpower to switch to things I must do for my own survival.

Today it occurred to me how absurd (but kind of natural, and certainly common it is) to think: I wonder how I'll be doing today, based on my parent's state of being. Yah, wait a minute: I am a separate entity!

its okay I do the same thing because I feel unapprecated when i spend all day making a fabulous meal. Last night I had a big fight with her about her coughing, its to the point I can't take her out in public because she is stared at for it....it's that bad and she won't put the smokes down.When I take her to a mall she just about falls over from not being able to breath.Wheel chairs are the answer I know but she needs to exercise a little. Loved one? She is making me mental!!!!

Darn it, hit send too soon. Wish we could edit.

Mom finally got in the shower today, and her memory issues ramped right up into high gear. I try to give her *some* privacy in the shower so she can retain a shred of dignity, which is fading fast as her condition gets worse by the week. I hear the water turn on, then turn off after about 60 seconds. I wait....and wait....nothing. Silence in the bathroom. I give her a shout to see if she's ok, and she says yes, just need to turn the water on. Ok, so the water is back on. I go check on her, and the curtain is open, water spraying on the floor. Close the curtain and make sure she has all she needs and observe as she starts to wash - then leave the room. Water turns off again. Mom?!? She's turned the water off so she can wash, she says. ??? Ok....that's a new one. Normally she sits there and all but falls asleep with the water running. So I hear the water turn back for something like 20 seconds and then back off - and then I hear the curtain pull back on the rings. Um....MOM?? She's done, she claims. All washed up. (This last said in her "little girl" voice.)

I go to my bedroom/laundry room and slam-bang the washer and dryer lids as I change loads yet again, pull all 10 waterproof pads out of the dryer so I can put one on her chair ...childish, but it's the only way I can vent my frustration without screaming some days!

Ugh, allergies are back in full force this morning - or did they ever leave? We were supposed to have rain today, so I was looking forward to a respite from the pollen. Not to be. After an hour of sneezing my head off, I finally gave in and took my allergy meds. *Maybe* I can get out and work on the yard some more today.

I don't know what is going on either...constant head aches and blowing my nose, etc. I am thinking it is pollen related too.or is it depression catching up with me after nearly a year of crises...I just feel so tired and "what is the use" anymore. I am thinking that my Mom is going to out live me at this rate. I just want to sleep and sleep. Usually I am cleaning and taking care of things but I have no energy or desire to do anything. I should be enjoying this short respite of rehab in the nursing home.... but all I do is dread her coming back and me being tethered to her behind cleaning and cleaning with continual incontinence anymore again. How sad is this to be forced into this sad situation. There is no way out...might as well accept it and go through the motions.

Thanks for your words of wisdom, Susan A43. And your humorous retort, Jessie. Luckily I have a very receptive sister when I want to vent. I call her and start the conversation with the words, "loud scream" and proceed to describe a situation or episode that was somewhat difficult for me. I then tell her what I really wanted to say or do and we proceed to fantasize about outlandish, funny scenarios that could have happened. It's like fantasy football - only fantasy caretaking! Keeps me sane.

Sorry about your allergies, Susan. No fun.

Wow this past week sure has been a dozy for many of us.... is it pollen related? Between dealing with my parents incomes taxes.... going to Urgent care, this time for me.... and finding I have raccoons in the attic [my house, not my brain] :P all I want to do is sleep.

Wow JudeA, how old is this social worker? I picture her as a 20 something with her shiny new degree and not a clue about real life. If not I am astonished she could work in her profession and gain so little insight into the real daily life of someone caring for their loved one at home. Is she perhaps one of those who thinks they should all be in a facility? I had one case manager that kept insisting I should "get on with my life." At any rate she certainly has a hate on for you... is there any way to be assigned someone different?

If I manage to survive the rest of the week, I would like my straight jacket in canary yellow and my helmet to have a face guard on it that smells of diarrhoea and for it to be put on the social worker permanently because if I survive the week I will have managed to not tell her where to get off for about the twentieth time. I swear she is more annoying with her repeated assertions that I need help than my mother could ever be even with her repetetive behaviour.

My problem the social workers keep saying if you tell us what help you need we can sort that out for you.

Having given my wish list some serious thought I said I wanted one person to assist me not a variety of people who wouldnt recognise wellness in my mother if they fell over it.
I want that same person to come in 5 days a week for 1 hour a day at 10am. That would allow me to get mum up, get her bed/chair washed from head to toe, get her body creamed, and dressed and sat in the chair and eating breakfast before it was time for me to start thinking about lunch.
I dont even care who does which part of that as long as it is shared equally and I dont have to do the same thing ALL the time.
That person MUST have references and MUST have worked with people with dementia in a domestic care setting rather than in a care home and they must not have a criminal record.

Now I dont think I am asking for the world here and I have been relatively consistent about what I would accept. I have also had run ins with this social worker over the last 10 days re putting mum in care and selling the house and making me homeless at 62 and a whole host of things including challenging in the court that I am not acting in Mums best interest and hence should not be POA...she has been very threatening, especially about my mental health as she has been reading and using notes from way back when I was finding the transition from mum being able to wash herself to me having to do it all (INCLUDING MANUALLY DISIMPACTING HER BOWEL I MIGHT ADD) incredibly difficult - I still dont really like dealing with the intimate hygeine but I know I am not alone in that - I just tend to be very open about how that makes me feel and I was damned near suicidal at one point

So I havent helped the situation.

They have never given me what I asked for at all and I have always had to be fairly assertive in saying no this was not what I asked for. We go through the points I asked for ....well I do and I can always see the social workers coming close to exploding but quite frankly I am past caring.

You see in a moment of insanity and to be fair to me I was only uttering what Mum had asked for last week I had said 'euthenasia is out of the running then?' I didnt realise that these peeps dont have a sense of humour at all so when humorously I went on to add I hear suicide is painless can I take that option then and hummed the MASH theme song , one look at her face made it very clear that that had not been a good idea. So this week I have been psych tested. NOT HAPPY BUT I AGREED

Back to the story

Yesterday the social worker came back and says I have it sorted for you. Well I damned near fainted then though hmmmm no there has to be a catch to this. This is what the offer was:

We have got 5 hours a week for you in a day placement where they will bathe her for you. it will cost 40.00 (£Sterling) for the day and for another £25.00 she can have a massage so we can cream her body there too. You need to get her to us for 10 am and pick her up at 3.

Now I really am not mercenary truly I am not but WHY in gods name would I pay someone £65.00 for 5 hours when I only get £61.25 for the 80 - 100 hours I do from the state? In addition consider this.

I have to take her - so am I going to take her in her nightie - nope I am going to have to get her up washed creamed toiletted dressed and breakfasted. Is it on the doorstep - no about half an hours drive from me so I drop her off at 10 I get home about 11.15 because we all KNOW its never a drop off is it - its a get the wheelchair out of the car, the clothes (because she will demand a change of clothes if they give her a bath), her wash bag pads etc etc. take her in, take the other stuff in make sure shes ok which wont be you ok? and then go now will it? I will have to explain it all and please dont tell me just the once mums memory would not last a week so it will be every time I take her; then after 3.25 hours I go pick her up again. Then I will have to bring her home and settle her again. Jings I would rather do what I do now take her out for a drive in the car to somewhere pretty, a garden, a beach, the forest, a lake, even a pub with a duck pond nearby AT LEAST I KNOW SHE WOULD HAVE ENJOYED HER DAY

Now as I said I have been psyche tested - I have the copy of the psyche report which was incredibly speedy for our service over here so I know she has a copy.

So being my usual sensitive self I said not ever going to happen we will manage on our own with 6 weeks of respite a year thank you until such time as we can't - then I had to go and add I don't know what you had for breakfast today but I am guessing it wasn't just your own bowl of stupid but everybody elses and don't try to test my sanity again because I have a piece of paper that says I am sane and YOU DONT

Grocery shopping in the rain. Laundry [mom refuses to wear underwear and oops - not ready to go "commando!"], vacuuming, putting away yesterday's nonperishable groceries, allergies, unfinished post-flood basement rennovation [arggh - clutter]; can't find the plumber's estimate on remodeling mom's shower]; too much pain to even sleep for more than 30-40 min at a time. But cooking ~ gosh i'm really good at instant pudding! Peppers, i spike it with protein powder. i can't get her to eat anything else' she drinks Ensure. [i'm ready to put a mini-fridge in her bedroom!] i'm down to popcorn and micro-baked potatoes. Hang in there ~ i love the light-hearted post: thank you!

Jessiebelle--my mom.had 3 Dr appts in 1 week for her swollen foot/ankle, the podiatrist has tried 3 different styles of boots/soft braces to immobilize it, and in between things looked much worse. But could not get ahold of foot dr, so went to regular dr. Of course she had nothing good to say about foot dr. And of course they disagreed about taking Naproxen. Grrr. Then we went for MRI to rule out hairline fx, and/or blood clots, but it doesn't look like that FWIW, they just want to "rule it out."🔧🔨 so they seem to be grasping at straws here....it takes more than 1 appt to get the right boot/brace figured out, and of course they caution me to come back in immediately if foot/ankle looks different. Latest addition to meds is a diuretic to see if that might help reduce swelling. I don't look forward to all the co-pays, and surely she will be mad & upset about the bills, and I will have to be the one to reassure her we did the right thing, going to the doctor (even though, sometimes I wonder.....).

I'm feeling like an absolute wimp tonight. I went outside, determined to clean up the winter debris of twigs and sticks out of the yard, only to be driven right back inside 20 minutes later by a major allergy attack. Guess I should have checked the pollen count and taken my allergy meds before I went out. Pollen count was way high tonight. So much for that job.

Decided to hire a local teenager to do the yard work, other than the planting of flowers. I'll do that myself, allergies be damned.

Jessie, that is just hilarious. LOL