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Wow. You guys. I have been feeling so many of these same feelings. I thought I was alone but you guys bring tears to my eyes. There ARE people that get it! I'm so thankful for finding this site and connecting with you all. I'm so tired. Hope, what you said about being a hermit, disappearing, questioning your faith/is this all there is? I've thought so many of the same things. Aside from my kids and the furtots, there wouldn't be anyone that would wonder where I went, let alone miss me...that's not self pity - just a sad fact. Oddly enough, I'm ok with that. They will "get it" someday when they are in the same circumstances. I am becoming a stronger and better person from being a caregiver.
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Capt I agree about the funeral home business but remember thay do have to swallow the cost of those $250 Medicare burials.
At least in our area funeral homes do not have their own crematoria. Also they mostly don't have refrigeration facilities. That is the reason they push for embalming so quickly.
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I think we have been somehow mourning the death of our parents while they are still alive for a long time. Once they were no longer the way they used to be, healthy and independent. Thirteen years ago I was told my Mom had 6 months to live with a sarcoma. All that time I had braced myself for her dying...then it looked like that was not going to happen and here it is thirteen years later and she is 92 but has been rapidly declining since last summer, now bedridden with all kinds of health problems though she seems ok mentally. I feel like I have been in mourning of sorts for over a decade. I am often bracing myself for something that doesn't happen. Almost feels like a car accident happening... but there is never the impact and I am always flinching for it. I worry that it is wearing me down.
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CM,
the primary carer will feel relief ( for the patients sake ) and shock that they lived thru it . everybody else will have chicken and pie . ive not felt any real grief because i was there as mom lost her QOL and health day by day .
jeanette,
smoking chimneys sound pretty middle aged . our funeral parlors dont have chimney that i know of . they probably haul the bodys to the indianapolis trash incinerator and buy bags of organic ashes to fill urns with . after all ( imo ) the funeral business is a faith / fear/ profit type industry. id be fine with being cremated , it just seems silly to burn up more of the planets resources even as your leaving it . ditto gas guzzling funeral processions .
im not joking about a green burial at home . i dont care to ever leave here . for me this is " home " . if you hacked out a clearing and built the home yourself youd probably feel the same . if not a green burial at least id like my ashes left here , maybe in a bag of mortar or a poured stoop . this home is a symbol of a dad and his kid getting back up after a terrible smackdown and starting over . it means more to me than the first one . the first one has an aura of deciet and spousal betrayal to me .
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Whine: it's six in the morning, mother has pressed her call button twice in the last ten minutes and both times had no idea why. Tricky. If I take it away, what if she has trouble breathing or pukes or something and can't call me? But if she doesn't know what it's for and is pressing it out of curiosity… Oh boy.

Yesterday I was talking with my sister about mother, and her prognosis, and the practicalities when she passes; and thinking aloud I said I'd have a bumpy ride for a while figuring out what on earth to do with myself. She said, right out, "but won't you be relieved?"

Er… Well, kind of. But not really.

Will she be, I wonder?
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Hope, I have felt angry too at my mom for not being who she once was. In fact, I can't seem to fully comprehend that she is not who she once was! I get mad at myself every time I expect her to be like she was before, which to me, doesn't seem that long ago! You are an angel and believe me, your mama knows that you are there with her every single day and every step of the way!!
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In all my 51 years, my father was my first death. First close to me "oh my God he died in my arms" death. I didn't have a fricken clue as what I was supposed to do. I knew what he wanted and that's what I gave him. It was the hours after his death... how does one deal with this s**t? I called the funeral home, within hours they where here and he was gone. Me? Heck, I crawled up in there with him. If I knew better, like now.... I would have let him rest here much longer than we did. Yes Cap, he was cremated. On that subject, there is one funeral home in this town ( Dad went to a town 20 miles away) prior to his death I'd seen this funeral home, saw the giant billows of smoke pouring out of the chimney. Gads! I see it now and I literally cringe.

They do not allow green burials here... not for humans or pets. We took dad way up into the forest and sprinkled him around a tree. Tacked his pic with is 3 bucks along with his obituary. Shy of 2 years later he's still there... the flowers although long dead can still be seen in the branches of the tree.

Is this healthy talking/typing about this?
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re; heaven ,
if i could get my wishes the furthest im going is a green burial in my own little orchard . the only thing ill need for the afterlife is a sump pump and some worm repellant .
green burial is legal in indiana with the proper permit .
one thing for sure , i dont want a funeral industry profitting from my death , and cremation takes an assload of natural gas to completely burn you up . neither of those things are in concert with nature .
this little house is a miniature castle . on the next hilltop about a mile away sits my first castle themed home . theyre both bitchin but id be happy to be put in the ground on this place . i deserve to be , i built it .
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Sally, Jeanette, Captain...yep..on all comments....it is so intensely insane to feel like my Mama is already gone when she is right here...and as much as I absolutely KNOW she cannot help any of it, there are times I even feel angry..normally its at the sibling and family and friends who abandoned us both, but I actually find myself being angry at her and I don't understand that at all...I am so ashamed for saying that but it is like why can't she still be like she used to be?? I was supposed to move home and there would be time to be together and enjoy it...and now there is this sad, almost angry look on HER face even, sometimes almost like she hates me....that's why I say sometimes I think I am losing my sanity...I am like you all are saying, the incredible sorrow and sadness I am going to feel when she is actually not here any longer...and I pray I have been able to stow away enough to have a few weeks to pull myself together enough to carry on...because I know it is going to take a lot longer than a few weeks, but that may be all I can swing....I'm not sure how I am going to process all of it..sometimes I think I am going to become a hermit, sometimes I think I will just disappear and let everyone wonder where I went, and sometimes I think I'll just be here, doing the SOS over and over because why bother anymore...my brother will then have no reason to come here, and I have no use for his wife any longer after the way she has treated my Mama...just so many variables...but I guess you can't think too far ahead, if you do you WILL go nuts...I guess for today all I can say is we made it..again...for now I am just trying to keep her hydrated as she does not want to eat..I don't know if this is a bug or if it is yet another down turn....so totally helpless, almost lifeless and all of it feelings like my soul is being slowly sucked out of my body. And now when it matters more than it has ever mattered in my life, why now, do I find myself wondering...is there really a heaven??? I can't believe I said that...I have always believed I had a lot of faith...and now of all times I find myself doubting...because if I thought this really was all there was..I KNOW I would not make it.....I feel like someone needs to slap me up side of the head ....
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Thank you Cap. I cherish your insight... why do we timeline? I lay in bed at night and do the same except I timeline as far back as my memory will allow me to go... I'm scared I will get it too, AD. Apparently my grandmother's sister had it, now my mother... please God let is skip me and hit a tree.

Sally, wow, you made a valid point. All carer's need to keep themselves in shape, however hard it is, we just do. Mentally, physically and spiritually.

Ha, you know I'm just trying to convince myself.

Cap, it's my wish you find a nice gal whom will truly appreciate the beauty you have inside, as well as love geocaching just to make your a** go :) Team Player!
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Oh I feel for you all thinking about your mom's death. I play this same movie over and over in my head!! I was wondering what the heck is wrong with me?? Why am I doing this? I should just be enjoying every waking moment with her and I do so much of the time. But every time I hug her and look at her I ask myself what am I going to be without her?? And then I also plead for someone, anyone to take me out of this misery!!! That's when I'm deep in my "whine" moments! Because I don't want this misery to really end as that will mean that she is gone and I just can't face that! Then I think "Will I look back on the misery moments and think that they are paradise moments compared to what I will be going through without my mom?" It's terrible. I also feel like I am getting so out of shape and just YUCK most days! I keep telling myself I have to take that "me" time that the articles keep talking about. But when??
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gals ,
it takes a lot of time to put your own life back together after your parent passes . i just tried laying down for a while and my brain started ' time - lining ' my last few years and my moms last years and months . i can relate to where your at right now . the sorry a** siblings , losing your parent before theyre even gone , the isolation , a very intense part of your life . im a year and 1/2 post and id go back and do it again . ( caregiving )
im content and feel like my life has nearly gone full circle . whatever years i have left are mine to do what i want -- but probably not geocatching . probably continue working on my house . thats when im happy , when something is being built . i aint gonna clean the sob but i love building them .
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hope, me too... me too. I hate thinking in advance of her death, but it plays over and over. The flat I feel is towards my family now (not my mother)... and always wondering will my brothers come, what will I do without her, is she going to be with dad? Am I going to be all alone when all is said and done due to PTSD from the death of both parents in a short time? Caring for both? Better yet, will I make it through her death, mentally unscathed?. That will be a big NO. This, I already know.... maybe fake it till I make it?

Geocaching is fun if you like fun puzzles. Oh they do at times give you clues and not just the coordinates. You'd be surprised how many cache's are hid in Wal-Mart parking lots in those big light poles, under Postal bins, up a high tree (my fav) and in plain sight. Some I'm sure you've seen before but never knew what was hidden in that odd looing spot. Yes... I think I shall print up a bunch, find a inexpensive GPS (can I use my IPhone for a GPS)? This is my goal tomorrow since my carer can't come ... I will do it Friday and Sunday. Then till in the evenings before dark. We do have some more cold weather on it's way laterrrr next week so I might as well get a head start. Be productive. Shed my inner slug ya know?

Sitting on a bomb? Oh h*ll yes... either our mother dying or us. Tic toc
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Yes, that sounds fun to me too Jeanette...A tiller and the geocaching...I could use a fun project...

Katie....the teenage drive in monster movies from the 50's...that's pretty much an accurate description today...It has just been one of those days where I feel like I am going to blow a gasket...only this time it won't be on my truck or car...

Speaking of which...yeee haaa.....the man called and asked if he could bring me my truck...I said...oh, I hate for you to have to do that...(smiling to self here) then he brought it and so all handled!!!! woooo wooot

Jeanette, speaking for me only here, the worse Mama gets the more withdrawn I am too. and it is hard to figure but I just feel flat emotionally...flat flat flat. I have come to learn that Mama is probably going to only be saying one or two words a week at most...it is killing me...sometimes it feels like watching her pass over and over and over and I feel a little like I am losing my mind....and then she perks up and I hit the reset button and then it starts all over again.....

It's all part of it, I know..I'm not complaining, I promise, but it is so hard...I feel like I am sitting on a bomb.
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Geocaching what a neat idea. Maybe I can get hubby interested he is wedded to his
GPS. That would put it to good use!!!!!!!!!!! Not in this weather though.
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Katie, there is a website... just google geocaching. You can download all the coordinates in your area and go on a giant treasure hunt. Last I remember it was a lot of fun, maybe not as fun doing it alone but least it's doing...
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Whew, I finally got my Dad to change primary doctors... I liked his former doctor but the drive was too much for me to handle.... the new doctor is just down the street which is great as I am comfortable driving to that location.... the doctor isn't a geriatric doctor but he's a bright young fellow with excellent bedside manner. When this doctor found out that Dad [93] was outside shoveling, he read him the riot act... good. Maybe now Dad will listen.

Now I am waiting for Dad to straighten out his Rx mail order pharmacy as it's a new one. It's been 3 weeks and Dad is still messing with it. Of course we kept telling Dad not to wait until the Rx bottle is empty before he re-orders, but sure enough he did.... and we kept telling Dad to use the automatic re-order that the company had offered, but he never did. He's been without one Rx now for 3 weeks. I got his prescriptions from the new doctor, all I need is Dad's Rx card to show to the store front pharmacy.... Dad doesn't have such a card. Where's my helmet !!!
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Hope, I am hoping you and your Mom feel better soon! I also hope you do not really look like one of those giant cicada bugs...brings back those thoughts of the teenage drive in monster movies from the 50's!!
It is almost too cold to do any laundry here as I am afraid the drain will freeze and then the water backs up after it drains from the washer onto the laundry room floor....This happened last year. Hoping no disasters will require washing....
Jeanette...that sounds like a fun thing to do....I had never heard of it before...interesting!
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I agree hope, days that I feel well I will try and look well. Most days I just don't feel like it. Let's all pray the guy needs his money badly enough so he will bring you the truck!! Sorry your mama is under the weather again... sigh, this is the hardest for me cuz my mother hasn't been feeling well either.

I've noticed the worse mom get's the more withdrawn from the world I am? Wonder why. Now is when I need people the most yet I seem to just keep quiet and to myself. Sigh.

You'll enjoy a little tiller hope! perfect for little area where you want to plant flowers, perfect for larger garden areas!! I may just plant double this year.

I've got your weather and apparently you guys get mine!

Susan, once your mom starts wearing her depends the correct way/at all, the laundry will lessen. Other things will increase so it's always a trade off :/
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I look bug eyed now..kind of like one of those giant cicada bugs....
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The day started off great....and got better, then took a sharp nosedive....I am exhausted...I don't know why but I can deal with poop better than throw up...I can't even say the V word....ugh...this too shall pass......
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oh Hope, your poor mom - and poor you with all that laundry! My mom's day pales by comparison, with her 5+ pairs of undies in the laundry (so far). Today was rug washing day, so I've been laundering rugs and mopping floors all day - a little at a time. Feeling a little less "puffy" this afternoon, but still not back to normal. Hopefully by tomorrow.
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I am horrible..but I am kind of counting on the car repairman to decide he wants his money badly enough to bring his friend with him and bring my truck to me....please oh pretty please ....
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Jeanette..you have put me in the mood to buy a rototiller now..I have been threatening to get one forever..this is the year I think....it is a beautiful sunny day here, but man is it cold..and we are getting a hard freeze warning for tonight..chilll factor MINUS 10....yes, now that is cold for the south.... brrrrrr we did get to enjoy some pretty snow falling for a while...it even stayed for a while...
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For me it is the reverse these days FF...if I feel good I look good..and these days I never feel good....

Today has been exasperating...can't find anyone to take me and get my truck...so i guess if he wants his money he will find a way to bring it here (which my hospice informs me she knows he could do if he wanted to) otherwise it will have to stay there until I grab one of my pop in people and put them to work...

Mama has picked up a stomach bug and so it has been laundry day all day long...throw up after throw up after throw up...and even though I keep those disposable pads handy, she always seems to manage to do it where it hits a spot where it is not....I am kind of undone....she was running a slight fever this am, so I guess it was a bug after all.......I am not feeling that great myself by now....
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If you look good, you feel good :)

My boss dresses to the nines every day at the office. Dark suit, four pointed handkerchief in top pocket of his suit jacket, pressed shirt, smart looking tie, polished shoes, not one hair out of place, etc.....

Therefore I feel I have to also look the part. But at my age I had to pass on wearing heels, thus with the what I call "nun shoes" those shoes don't look good with skirts, so I wear trousers.

At home, forgetaboutit, jeans and t-shirts.
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I have heard of it Jeanette - at the time I said "geo what?" - from a lovely couple, not in the first flush of youth, who were setting off for a day of it and seemed to be full of the joys. Go to it, have fun!
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People hid what I refer to as a treasure box full of neat little stuff. They upload the coordinates and you use a GPS to locate it, leave a little surprise and take one from the cache. They also have what's called "hitchhikers" located in some of them, those are little figures/coins what have you... that hitchhike all around the world. Me and the ex did it many moons ago.... just something to do to keep my mind off the inevitable.

Oh hey, I did get a rototiller yesterday, kind of awesome how it all happened. I was doing the circle of 3 stores comparing prices/machines... actually looking for a nice li'l electric one. Stopped by the last store and saw the man who used to do moms hair. Him and his wife own a salon here and once upon a time i'd take her for a special day, the wife did my hair, he did moms. Now this is a big stocky muscly guy... he would flirt with mom and have her grinning from ear to ear, hehe, mom always conned him into giving her a glass of wine while getting her hair done.... anywho, Spencer walks out of the store, he asks about mom and eventually we start talking about tillers... gas vs electric, yada yada... well, he had one that he used once (something about clearing a patch for the wild turkeys) and it's been in his shed for a year... it's gas driven, weighs about 10 lbs, weeds n tills and is a very spendy tiller. He sold it to me for mere dollars of what it's worth. Brought it to the house for us, gave me the gas can for it full of gas and a tutorial (plus the owners manual) This is one of the reasons I love a small town. Virtual strangers are more loving/caring than your own siblings ... he also got a toofless smile out of mom again.

Over the past 2 years I have been slowly buying every thing needed to do everything myself without asking for help. Chainsaw, battery charger, small compressor, shop vac, pressure washer, portable A/C unit, ladders, rug cleaner... things that I can handle on my own to do what needs done. Without paying or relying on someone. Craigslist is wonderful in that area... also our small town has a FB page where people can list items needed or for sale. All I need is my indoor swimming pool :D

I could care less right now what I look like!! LOL!! Like most of us, by the time we take care of everyone else we are too tired to make much of an effort to pretty ourselves up. I was kind of ashamed to see the salon guy yesterday though... stress has frizzy fried my hair. Oh well. Pony tails and t-shirts are a girls best friend.
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I have just been notified my truck is ready to roll..now how to get there to roll it...wow, now I really do know just how out of luck I am..not one living soul here to run me 11 miles down the road...used to be I could have closed my eyes and picked any number and someone would come running..now they all ran away..and I can't even find a cab service. I could drive over there to get it, but then I would have to tow one of them home...I did "dress up" today. I have on mascara...and a pink floyd tshirt.....watch out...I'm ready for my closeup
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Jeanette, is that anything like cloning??? I don't need any more of me running around.....hey wait...maybe I do!!
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