I'm tired of cooking/preparing 3 meals a day. It's just the two of us but boy oh boy can that woman eat!! She stays slimish, I get fattish. It's bad enough I do everything here much less start making her one thing and me the other. At times I feel guilty when I buy her fast food cuz of the nutritional value....not to mention I eat it too.
Another slip of the memory today for Mom - one that threw me a little. I guess they all throw me a little these days, though, because this advancing decline seems surprisingly fast some days - others, not so much and she does ok, but today just isn't one of those "good" days, I guess. I was rushing to send a bday card out to my daughter, who turns 27 tomorrow (I forgot to send the card in all the hubub this week), and I had Mom sign it too, because I like her to feel included on these things. I had just finished telling her it was for my daughter, C. - and how old she was, etc. She took the card, looked up at me and said, "Who is this for again?" - so I repeated that it was for my daughter, C. - and she said, "So...I should sign it "love from Gramma", right?". Totally floored me, but I kept my cool and just said "yes" and let it go.
I had started a diary on my computer when I first moved in with Mom and started noticing little symptoms of her decline....I stopped after a while, because I just felt like it was one big whine, and it wasn't doing any good anyway. I think I'll go back to it, because I need to document these symptoms so I can show them to her doctor and to my siblings - especially DS, who I'm sure will have 3 kinds of a fit when it comes time to place Mom in a facility (not soon, but it's going to happen at some point, and I don't think we're talking more than 5 years here). I want to have proof of her decline and everything that has happened over the years since I've been here.
I really, really hate this age-related decline/dementia thing. It sucks.
While scrolling through FB ... I see that my son is engaged. Really. 33 years old and he announces this on FB and didn't bother to mention it to me at all. The kicker of it is... he hasn't met her, least not in 20 years so I'm told. Apparently he briefly knew her in middle school. Uhm, ok. She lives in MN and he in FL. Sigh. I'm now thinking more than one helmet is needed...
Well, would you look at that. I put this in square brackets so as not to drag everyone back to a prickly subject, but then slip naturally into capitalising all the pronouns - I must have been more indoctrinated than I realised!
Hope, I completely agree. If I didn't have this place to rant and rave I'd either say something I'd regret to mother or I'd be telling it to our chickens. Either way, not good.
My whine is that I'm not happy with one of our new caregivers. Oh Dear. She's rostered for tomorrow too, which I'll just live with, but if it's not a huge improvement on today I'm in for a very uncomfortable conversation with her agency. I don't enjoy telling people how to do their job, but that is based on their being better at it than I am - and to judge by today, she isn't. And I don't care how many years' experience she's got.
Regarding the email...I get a ton of emails every day...I think I have over 20,000 sitting in my inbox that needless to say I have never read and will never read, but I know there are some in there that were there from the early days that I don't want to lose, so I am cherry picking those..but all that to say...it doesn't bother me in the least to get email or not get it...that's one of those non issues to me..I read them if I feel like it, sometimes I sit here and delete a pile of them because I need something quite mundane to clear the cobwebs out of my head and sometimes I just look at them, say...hmmmm...and keep on going....I love this thread...it's gotten to be my mainstay...I always find the thread fascinating...sometimes I comment, sometimes I don't. I'm so glad this thread is here...I would probably implode if you ever deleted it Jeanette :))
The only comment I can or tend to make any longer regarding religion is something Mama always said, and something Jessie stated as well....To love God with all our heart and soul and love each other and the rest will fall into place. I do believe that.
I'm not even scholarly enough when it comes to being able to quote what is found where, etc. but again, if you remember and practice the aforementioned, no worries....I do think that it is easy for people to try to turn scripture to fit a particular situation...and I have even had moments during all this caregiving journey where I have questioned my faith...a LOT....but then down deep in my heart I KNOW there is a God, that God loves us all and I sure am thankful God is the judge and not mankind....because there is little that is kind about man for the most part it seems...
I don't have much of a whine I guess...I do have this...and this was not on this thread, but a couple of days ago and my mind is too far gone to even remember what thread it was on, but someone who was relatively new I think was having a particularly hard time working through the caregiving thing...mercy haven't we all...she received some really harsh comments from a couple of folks...I don't even remember who so I'm not pointing fingers by any means...but it broke my heart for the person who was hurting...why ...of all places....where it seems a given we are welcomed to share our woes and gripes and frustrations and I don't care who you are but if we are all being honest I think we have ALL had those moments...heaven knows I have....and sometimes you just need to have a place to go and SCREAM in your own way..maybe it was to vent and whine...but then to get blasted by folks for what they said...called selfish, clueless, etc...how sad..how horrible....yes even shameful to blast a fellow caregiver....can't we give "helpful information" without blowing someone out of the water figuratively with both barrels.....I have not seen that lady back on here...she may be...I hope so..I hope she knows we don't all feel that way....God have mercy
My whine today - Arts and Crafts. I showed up at the 'skilled nursing facility' for Mardi Gras yesterday only to find it was cancelled because of the 'cold' (70 degrees, some wind, some were cold). I find my mother at Arts and Crafts...first thing she says to me is not 'hi' but "they're not giving me my eyedrops...for two weeks now!--that's NOT right!" (mind you, I visit her at least three/four times a week. Last time I saw her was Saturday. So, of course, I go up to the nurses station and find out that this is not true. Now I'm wondering what's true, what's not true. The stress doesn't go away! So, anyway....here's how Arts and Crafts goes:
Picture about fifteen 90-plus year olds, all with some form of dementia, being handed a large paper heart with paper lace along with sequins, glitter, smaller hearts and a SMALL pot of glue with a SMALL stick.
"I have a heart"; "I had a heart"; "My heart stopped once"; "I can't do this"; What's this for?; "Why does she have that"; "mine's is broken" and the inevitable comment of all comments, the one that starts the domino effect: "I have to go to the bathroom". "Me, too"; "I have to go now!" (this one is yelled).
Once that happens, all is lost.
I was asked by the head of activities if I might want to consider volunteering. She wasn't joking.
I have a funny story --- not meant to offend :) My aunt, now 90, diagnosed with ALZ, called me the first time it snowed, to tell me that Santa Claus was up on the roof.
That's when I knew her mind was going :)
Now I'm going to offend at least half of the people on the group. I usually keep my thoughts to myself, because I have friends that are staunch atheists and friends who are primitive fundamentalist Christians. The fundamentalist Christians are friends of my brother's family, who are fundamentalists themselves. I usually hold my tongue because each side is waiting to sharpen their fangs and sink them in. The truth is that I think the Bible is about the worst book ever written. Why? Because men cannot fathom God and it attempts to lock Him into a box. The New Testament attempts to unlock the box (tear the curtains) to set people freer. The Holy Spirit comes to earth and women are even included in the Pentacost. The greatest commandment is to love God and love each other, and all the rest falls into place.
One thing I've noticed on the fundamentalist side is they pervert truth to fit what they want. For example, locals here in Alabama think Gomer Pyle is a good family show. The word is that all the things said about Jim Nabors are untrue -- a bunch of lies made up by evil people. The truth is that Jim Nabors is very open about being married to a man. I saw the other day that my niece's husband had liked a movie star on Facebook. I wanted to write him to ask him if he didn't know the star was a gay activist. I didn't, because I know he would prefer not to know realities.
I was a biology teacher who taught evolution. I am definitely of the devil to the fundamentalists. But I believe strongly in God, so I'm a fool to the atheists. I also believe in demons and angels. I believe that life goes on when we die. I believe we should be kind and loving to each other. And I know that God is out there and He is so smart that I couldn't begin to understand Him by reading a few words written by people. I think it is the Holy Spirit that gets people out of the box when thinking about God. I also think that it is the Holy Spirit that lets people know to love each other, and to do unto others as we would have them do to us.
I could write a book about this, but I won't. Sometimes I do want to tell my fundamentalist family/friends to put down those Bibles and start living as the Spirit guides them. But in reality, I don't know how many people actually have the Holy Spirit inside them.
This is an amazing place full of generous caring people with opinions and problems in their own right. I'm glad you found this website and it helps you. It's helped me tremendously which in turn, helps my mother. Win win.
Over here we get ourselves into endless tangles with local town councils trying to be "inclusive" and banning the word Christmas from festive decorations and the like. Then the national press gets hold of the story, they send a journalist round to interview the local Sikhs or Muslims or Jains or whoever, and we usually find that these supposedly "offended" minority community members just bought a Christmas tree for their front garden and have no idea what all the fuss is about.
Speaking of pointless nitpicking, there's a letter to the Editor in today's paper complaining bitterly that in the tv adaptation of Wolf Hall Anne Boleyn wanders past a wisteria in full bloom whereas of course, "as any fool knows," wisteria wasn't introduced to the UK until the 19th century, more than 400 years later. If the BBC had spent even more thousands uprooting every anachronistic plant from the outdoor scenes they'd never have got the series made at all and other people would be writing in to complain about the lack of original drama. There's just no pleasing everyone.
I think society as a whole are going overboard when they want everything that is Religious or the word "God" deleted. I am of a religion that is very strict. No pledge of allegiances, no group prayers with other religion, etc.... When it comes to blessing the table, I excuse myself. Or I just sit there quietly and not participate. Standing up to say the national anthem, I quietly slip away until it's over. I give the young teenager who fought against those atheists in her school who are trying to get "One nation under God" out of the Pledge of Allegiance. I love what she said, "They have the right to remain silent (as in not say the pledge) but they do not have the right to silence others." What's irritating is that in New Jersey it is NOT mandatory that schoolchildren say the pledge. It's an Option.
I have a dear friend, whom I love very much in almost every way, except that he is a militant atheist to the extent that he invariably refers (not nastily, but) to "the Christian myth." It makes me twitch. I've known him long enough to realise that he really, really doesn't believe in God - he needn't fear that someone might think he's mellowing in his old age if he doesn't point it out every bloody time.
When the French, on similar grounds, banned the hijab in state schools my mother wrote to the Times Educational Supplement giving her views on Muslim girls' uniform requirements. Her letter opened: "The French, as so often, go too far…" - I'm afraid to say it got published.
She was upset because someone put a sign in a public building which said,
In God We Trust. I would be glad to receive all her coins that has that written on it. Any comment on that?
Pam, my O2 tend to run low, especially when I'm not sitting and breathing right. I don't know why I do it. Sometimes I have to make myself do belly breathing to bring it up to normal. Could you do that with your husband if his O2 gets low? I am wondering, like you did, if it might have been the meds suppressing his breathing.
Yes, I do get it, just to be upfront. No, it's not one defining moment that makes caretakers go batty... it's the whole conglomeration of it.
Again, I have zero to do with your email bombardments. This is something you should take up with the moderators or site owners.
Sorry hobbesmom, but you don't get it.
you know what? I have already asked to delete this thread because of naysayer's like you. My request was denied ... because MORE people enjoy it than hate it. No one on this thread has EVER harmed another person.
i finally asked the doc im laying stone for if versed could cause several weeks of depression . hes an oral surgeon and knows drugs well . he said it dam well could . does it to me everytime and ive got another endoscopy due at any time . bummer .
canning my last 7 qts of beef this evening - 21 in total .
mine is a fools economy . i have enough sustanance around here to feed two people for a year and a half should a log fall across the road or something . lol
First of all, the "unsubscribe" option clearly doesn't work else I wouldn't see your catty response. I GET it.
What you don't seem to get is that I get over 50 other emails a day. I fully support the daily whine/whinge because it's not truly that....ANYONE who has been a caretaker knows that, typically, it's not one defining moment...it's a compendium/conglomeration of little things that eventually make us go batty.
So, I GET IT, but I don't have time for email bombardments right now.. If other members have specific issues that I think I may be able to offer some advice, I am more than happy to reflect and post upon them.
Best to you.
I had forgotten about the following until after I made my previous post.
After my mom passed away and we were clearing out her things, I stumbled across a giant tote box completely filled with candy - candy she never ate!
Sometimes for those watching their last sunsets and may not have all their mental capacities like they used to....it's more about them KNOWING they CAN have whatever they want than actually eating, drinking, or smoking it. It's a source of control for them.
Here's something I hope will make you smile: When I got my first apartment, I called my parents and said something along the lines of, "Guess what? I'm jumping on all the furniture! I'm leaving all the lights on! I ate dessert for breakfast!" Ha! True to form...the first time they visited they put all their fingerprints on the wall. :: smile ::
If chocolate bars are your greatest worry, you're doing good.
While "4 king size Hersey bars" seems excessive, I would like to think your cousin's heart was in the right place. Your cousin was clearly not going to be able to see your father for a while and just wanted to give him something sweet - a treat - just for him and likely, hopefully, a way for him to remember your cousin by doing so. Per your post, you said your cousin was going away for the winter. Yes? To me, that means the chocolate was meant to be divvied out and savored to last until her (sorry, I'm guessing your cousin is female) return. I would think something quite differently if she gave him all that candy on Friday and said, "See you on Monday!" :: smile ::
Please give her the benefit of the doubt. It's beyond hard to see our loved ones grow old and start to fade. My sister and I were on opposite sides of the coin on this when my mom went downhill. My sister did all she could to prolong my mother's life (quantity). I did all I could to make whatever time she had left as fun and delicious as possible, even if it meant our mother didn't live as long. Ultimately, I would like to think the balance of our sibling rivalry gave my mom a bit of both.
All I can say is this...when I'm on that final downward spiral...or even near-ish, I truly pray someone will give me all the chocolates and all the cigarettes I want, and as many vodka martinis as I request. Quantity (length of time living) versus quality (how much I got to enjoy it). At some point, we - the descendants - have to let go.
On that note, it probably would've been better had your cousin given your dad several bags of Hershey's miniatures (or whatever). BUT, if the large chocolate bars were his favorite, she gave him a great gift.
I'm not being judgmental on either side. Hopefully, you'll understand this other point of view.
Best to you.
PS - I've "unsubscribed" to this particular thread because it was bogging down my email. Please respond via personal message if you'd like to discuss this more.