My "whine moment today." What's yours?

not a bad day . the finished stone planter box was so heavy it had to be lowered into place with a front end loader and its just a little higher in the egress tank than id have liked but still oughtta look nice with flowering vines draping from it later .
farm foreman brought me about 80 lbs of frozen beef and venison today and is bringing about that much again . im paying him fairly for it but its still worth considerably more than ive given him so far . hes buying a fresh quarter of beef and rotating his freezer stock . i guess crack - ey and i will be canning beef at least all day sunday and thats if she can bring her moms pressure canner . running 14 qts at a time doubles my usual production of only 7 .
its scary having a trade arrangement with a friend because they arent always fair . this is the gal whos car i fixed 3 times back when mom was on hospice and she refused to honor the trade for caregiving respite that we had agreed on , both times i asked . im not the same person i was 2 years ago . if someone jerks me around now i just plain get in their ass about it . im figuring for the free beef crack - ey can help me tidy up around here a bit . my garage and front driveway look like hiroshima after ive completed a couple of building or fabrication projects .

I take my mom to her favorite coffee place every single morning. She LOVES it and I love spending that time with her. However, it does take up a big chunk of time. If I didn't take her there, she would have not much else to do. She is not into going to daycare or getting involved with other seniors. There are always dishes, dishes and more dishes, shopping , cooking, laundry, cleaning, dogs, dogs, dogs...did I mention my mom and her dogs? That's a whole other whine!! ha ha!! My little 93 year old mom has two HUGE Dobermans as her kids. Those dogs have the childhood I wish I had had! They are her whole world besides me. At any rate...I am finding it harder and harder to find time for myself. I'm sorry, but I have to laugh when people say "you must find some time for yourself". Where am I supposed to find that time?

It depends on the day, Sally. As Mom gets further and further into age-related decline and the forgetfulness and resistance to certain activities that goes with it, I'm finding it harder and harder to maintain my work schedule and take care of her at the same time. I'm always jumping up during breaks in my work to do something - run after mom to the bathroom, start a load of laundry, finish a load of laundry, start dishes, finish dishes, clean the floors, let the dog in/out, get mom something to eat, etc. Most days, I don't even get a shower until after 10am, because by the time I get up, I've already got work to do, and Mom wants to eat right away, and then there's all the other morning chores to do. So I wander around in my nightgown until I have time to shower. Not the way I like to start my day, but I'm usually working until after midnight, so getting up much earlier than 7am doesn't work.

Today hasn't been great - as evidenced by my earlier rants (sorry, folks!). It just seems that on my busier days, she needs more attention and care than other days. Or maybe it's just that I'm busier and the interruptions are more of a problem.

I'd *love* it if Mom would go to a senior center or something during the day, but she's not at all interested. I've tried to get her to consider it, but they don't do anything she's interested in there - they play bingo and cards and such - just not her thing. She just wants to sit home and watch tv.

Going to try to get her out for a ride tomorrow - she hasn't been out of the house since the first week of December, and got snappy with me about that tonight - but she's the one that keeps refusing when I offer to take her out somewhere! (sigh) She's going out this weekend whether she likes it or not.

Sally, I'm sorry to say that at least for now I have given up. I raised three children while I was developing my small business, and I sort of assumed (famous last word!) that it would be just as manageable with mother. Well, the last two hour project I had took me a day and a half and I nearly had a heart attack over it. Maybe if your parent goes to day care it might be possible? But the good old days when I could work at night to finish anything I hadn't got done during the day - never thought I'd look back on them so fondly!

Don't take me as an example, though - can you get in help and organise yourself some protected working hours?

Susan, do you find it hard to focus on your work? I am self-employed and have been finding it increasingly difficult to focus on my work. Even when my mom is sleeping, I feel like there are a million things that need doing. Just wondering if anyone else feels that way too?

Sounds like you found a solution, Katnmouse! My problem is that I work from home, and the house is *very* small, so the only place I can put my desk is in the living room, where the TV and Mom are both well within earshot every day, all day long. When she goes to sleep, I usually turn the TV off or turn it on the classical music channel and turn it down low. Days like today, I just put my headphones on and try to focus on my work.

Susan, I moved into the living room on the hide-a-bed almost a year ago. The talking, grunting, humming made me crazy and hubby doesn't need a crazy wife. Also moved the king bed out and got a hosp bed delivered and set up today. Now its twin size linen instead of king size. Yey!!! Happy on the hide-a-bed

Jessie, LOL, too bad I can't take away his Smartphone until he finishes the assignment, oops he doesn't own one.... can't take away the keys to the car.... nor can I ground him because he's already grounded at his age :P

Oh, dear. Are you saying that we CAN compare caregiving elders to raising children? :P

Just a simple whine... my parents visited with their new Elder Law attorney and she gave them homework to fill out paperwork. Well, 6 weeks later I am still after Dad to finish it up so I can scan it to the attorney. Guess it's like trying to get a teen to do their term paper :P

Sorry your having a crappy day Susan... some days are just that way it seems no matter what you're doing.

Stupid rain.

You know what my oldest brother ALWAYS says to me when I tell him what's going on with mom? Ready for this? he says... "Oh, I know". Seriously, that is exactly what he says every single damn time. Oh I know. Just how in the hell does he know anything of what I deal with here, especially during early evening throughout the night. How does he fix his mouth to say that?

Mom has been humming for an hour now. She's never hummed and quite honestly, it's freaking me out a bit. It's nice but it's not normal....

Stoooooopid rain!!!

ping pong.... BOING!!!! How's come we don't have the energy they have? If you ask me it's just not fair!!

Susan..yep, yep and yep.....I long ago starting intercepting Mama's mail and keeping an eye out for the constant donation requests. I almost passed out when, a few years ago once Mama gave me POA over all her affairs and I began seeing how much Mama had been donating was ridiculous...and infuriating...On top of the church ones, when, like you, NO ONE from the church or that side of the family even calls to check on Mama, let alone come to see her, we also receive tons of ones from the #$%@ politicians begging for money and she had given a boat load of money to them...I even called them and let them have it and told them to immediately remove her from call lists, mail lists, every list as they had gotten all they were going to get out of her and they ought to be ashamed preying on the elderly...grrrrrrr.....

Also like you, my brother does not want to hear what I have to say anymore...one time I had a severe migraine headache and he came to house with some second hand crapola they didn't want anymore, and proceeded to "give" it to us (when he had been griping about all the stuff in the house) I told him if he would please ask me before bringing things like this as my head hurt so bad that day I did not feel like dealing with it, he actually had the nerve to tell me that if I would stop feeling sorry for myself my life might improve....that kind of showed me he and I would never be on the same page....

Well, have been in the yard, the sun is beautiful here Jeanette....I will try to send it your way.. :)

And again, the ping-pong ball syndrome is something only another caregiver would understand - like Jeanette. You know exactly what I'm talking about, because your mom does the same thing, but hers is usually more vertical (with the constant pacing) than my mom's, whose is the up-down version. Siblings simply don't understand how frustrating it is not to have more than 10-20 minutes of peace while Mom is sleeping, which is just enough time to get started on something, only to have her pop up out of bed again, needing assistance in the bathroom or wanting something to eat.

ok....I guess I have another whine. Siblings who are legitimately concerned about you, but can't take a hint when you say you don't feel like talking. I get it - they're concerned and want me to talk about what's going on to relieve my stress. What *they* don't get is that they *don't* want to hear what I'm going to tell them. Trust me, they don't. Nothing will change by me telling them how annoyed and frustrated I am today - all it will be is yet another episode of me whining about it and them saying, "That's so sad you have to go through that. I'll pray for you. Sending you hugs." Ugh. That just ticks me off even more when they do that. I know they mean well - I do - I just don't want to hear it today and don't want their pity. It doesn't help or change anything.

Having a rotten day today, and having a sibling pestering me to talk about it is *not* helping. Mom's like a d*mn ping pong ball today - sleeping for 10 mins, up for 30 - sleeping for 20 mins, up for 15 - sleeping for 10 mins, up for 30. She hasn't been down for more than 20 minutes all day, which means my schedule is completely out of whack. Silly me, trying to have a "schedule", right?

GRRRRR. Major whine about Mom and Dad's Catholic church and their incessant requests for money. Every single week for the past 3 weeks, we have gotten a request for a "committment" to how much we will give them this year, because they say they are going to run out of money by June. Mom no longer attends church because it's too hard for her to get in and out of the building, but still donates a little every month out of her meager income. She intends her funeral to be conducted by the priest and at that church when the time comes. Yet, NOT A SINGLE person from that church comes to visit her, calls to check on her, or sends a card. No one. The priest doesn't call to offer to give her Communion on Sundays, doesn't check on her at all - but when it's time for them to hold their hand out for money, they're hounding her by mail. Mom gets all stressed and wonders if we should give more, then says maybe we should fill out the form committing to give a certain amount, etc. I say no - you give what you can already, and they're trying to pressure you into giving more, when they don't even give you a second thought, and won't - until it's time for your funeral.

When I see the next envelope with their return address on it come in, I'm opening it first.

I need to build a boat. Just NON stop rain for days now... days! Seriously, it goes from raining hard to raining harder, which I love to hear at night cuz it's so soothing but not all darn day :/ Guess I will just have to take my big pibble on a hike in the rain today. Those 3 hours of respite are just way too important to waste. I did all the errands and shopping yesterday during my 3 hours so I could sluff off and do what I wanted today... grrr

Hi Sally!... yup, back when I started this thread it was challenging coming up with 3 meals a day, now, it's challenging coming up with nutritious shakes and soft foods that have enough of daily requirements to keep her healthy(ish). haha, I have become a master with the blender... you can emulsify ANYTHING!! Tomorrow I will make another giant batch and freeze it into cubes. That really saves me a lot of work and time... just pop a few into her ensure mix and voila` ... a full days worth of veggies and protein.

The whole sibling thing just amazes me. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine things would end up like this, never. When I made the decision to move clear across the United States to help my parents, being around my brothers was just an added plus. I love my brothers. I do not like how they've behaved and I'm sure they've not liked some of the stuff I've done. This has been traumatizing for all of us, the loss of dad and the rapid decline of mom. I get it and I get over my dislike for them, just wish they could do the same and be more of a team player without me harassing them. For the sake of my sanity and the love of my mother, I am going to start asking them to participate. I was/am one of those people who feel I needn't ask for what is obvious, however, I realize not everyone is in sync with life as others SO... we shall see how this little experiment goes concerning them.

Jessie, oh I noticed how he said he'd give me a break.... 3 - 4 days later. If I resort to pleading for a break it means I need it quickly!!! LOL My biggest problem will be keeping my mouth shut. I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve and they've both told me "I'm too sensitive", so.... hopefully I can be straight forward with what needs done and nothing else. Sad a person has to resort to this with their own siblings. *eyeroll*

Funny thing; All of our tax papers have arrived so I put them all together to take down.... while putting moms jammies on last night, several of crumpled letters fell out of her pants. Really mom? Why are you stashing the W-2's?? LOL!! I would have been frantic if I hadn't found them.

hope, a hammock swinging in the tree's sounds heavenly!!!

One very short thing I will add.....oh how much they are missing out on...yes it gets hard and yes it is scary and sad a lot of times..but the precious moments are so precious it makes every bit of all the rest of it bearable...and I thank God every day I have this time with Mama....and it truly is the only way I would ever be able to let her go when God calls her home, because we have such sweet precious time together now...that is what I will carry with me forever and no one can ever take it away from me....what a treasure that nothing on this earth can ever replace....

Siblings.....ick.....I tell you what, I can't even try to discuss anything with my brother anymore. I finally realized a couple of years ago that he was never going to get it and didn't want to get it. I actually believe they're not as ignorant as they try to act...they just don't want to have to do anything and I think when we start trying to explain anything to them, they are scared witless that they are about to get asked to give up some of their time or money to contribute...it's pointless and I am wasting precious breath even trying with him anymore. I am just trying to focus on being here for Mama to the absolute best of my ability and one day all of them are going to have some hard questions to answer for themselves and it is going to be too late.

We were so very close growing up...had, what I consider to be, the perfect family, perfect life...I always thought we were rich because even though my parents were frugal they worked really hard and KNEW HOW TO SAVE...and yet helped all of their sibilings on both sides and both sets of parents and then when my parents would have loved to have seen them...no one there for them. We get very very few visits from anyone, no phone calls...I will say that two of Mamas baby sisters have been a lot better this past year to come and visit and one of them even called me yesterday "just to sit and chat for a while"...I can't even tell you what that meant to me...I don't ever need people to do "work" for me...I am a pretty tough bird and I have a certain way I like to do things so I would just as soon do it myself...but when all this first began, and we had a ton of medical expenses in the form of copays, supplies etc, (before we were on hospice) I used all of my retirement savings and even resorted to selling scrap metal ....I even found myself picking up wheel covers once i knew the owner wasn't coming back for them...but for me, I was pretty proud of myself because it once again confirmed I am a survivor..I will always be able to do for myself because I feel like I have been through the fire...and all of this was going on and my brother KNEW it and he not one time offered to pay for anything. One time I tired to very calmly address it with him and wow, he blew up like a timebomb...that was not a wise thing for him to do that day and he finally discovered he did not want to mess with me in a game of wits or debates....he got his ears pinned back good that day...he actually showed up with a bunch of groceries that next weekend and I thought..great, finally he is going to contribute...and that was the end of that....hahaha....

The saddest part of all is there has been no conflict or reason for them all to abandon us...I do think my brothers wife is mad at me about some stupid thing that who knows what it is because I have tried to find out..told him I can't fix something if I don't know what i did...After over a year of trying, he finally told me forget it that I had done nothing..ok...so what's the deal with her then? nincompoop selfish hiney on my shoulders woman.....I am so hurt and disappointed in her...She and I were like sisters and Mama and I were always good to her...We thought she loved our family but wow has she proven us wrong. Even stopped coming here for the holidays and so the boys , Mama's grandsons, don't come either...I am fighting everything in me not to "hate"...hate just makes you sick. I have been on my knees many times crying over it and the crying is done now...I can live with what I am doing...If they can then that is between them and God. I know my brother is going to one day regret it..I doubt his goofball wife ever will...

Good grief...sorry for the long winded post...somebody call Dr. Phil.

Thanks Susan! It's good to know that I have a place to come to where I can whine my head off and people will understand me! You are so right. No one could ever understand what this is like unless they experienced it for themselves. Dee, I love my mom too and we are and have been the best of friends. That is the only reason I can hang in there through all of this!!

Susan - you are 1000000% right - NO ONE but a caregiver could understand!

For me, I am soooo grateful I finally found this site. We do hop around on topics a bit, but it's just kinda like texting a good friend that gets where you're coming from. I was pretty isolated for the first 6 years until I stumbled on this site. The folks here are so great. Was questioning myself before - what did I do that no one will help me? Now I know it's not just me. Plus, we get to laugh at each other's stories and witticisms. Bless you all!

Well said, Sally!

I do, Sally! I tell her they are busy or whatever, to spare her not them. She knows, though. She's been my best friend forever, now I am blessed to be there for her. Yeah, we used to have huge family Christmases - now everyone except my sister avoids us. Whatever. They have time for other things, though. I have to say that I've learned a lot about myself these past 6-1/2 years taking care of my mom.

Sally - this thread evolves and changes almost by the minute, it seems. Jump in and post whatever you want. Just understand that you might get a response from someone 3 or 4 pages later. LOL

This is our "safe place" to vent and whine about even the most mundane of aspects of caregiving - because those are the things that really wear us down - the same day in-day out things that we deal with 24/7 that no one else but another caregiver can possibly understand. Outsiders will look at what we're complaining about and say, "Well, what are you complaining about?! Why is it such a big deal that your Mom wakes up at the very moment you're trying to make a meal and needs changing or some other help? You should be at her beck and call all day long - after all, she did it for you when you were a child!" They don't get it - obviously. If they had to live in a caregiver's shoes - especially a live-in caregiver - for just one week, I guarantee you, they'd never make such a statement again. It's not about doing for our loved ones because they did for us when we were younger. It's about not having a life of your own as an adult, whether you gave up that life to care for them willingly or not.

Hi Dee...It's a very strange thing to me. It seems so many of us have the same story to tell with our siblings. It's so sad when they ask "where is everybody?" and you are left alone to try to explain or make up lies so her feelings won't be hurt. We have always been a family at Christmas no matter what and for the past two years, my sister is the only one who has shown up. They have so many excuses you could fill a book with them. Thank goodness your mom has YOU!!! She is blessed to have you. Give your mom xtra hugs!!

I follow a frugality blog whose name i can't mention. These are very good people and I have follows them for several years. They started with nothing and debit living on the poverty line but have now and four kids later achieved a new house worth $144K. I have followed how they went round the new building sites and collected enough lumber to build a shed and laid their lawn weith leftovers from the landscapers. the curbside shop scloth themselves fashionably with name brand clothing from thrift sotes,yard and rumage sales. The list goes on and on and they have achieved what they set out to do. Someone wrote in to the site critisizing them for preaching frugality when they were living in an expensive house. The response was overwhelming from the regular followers.

Hi Sally,
Time is precious, you're right. It is amazing how it makes us feel better knowing we're not "alone". It's nice that you get phone calls; as easy as it is, my mom doesn't get any. She has told me a few times how lonely she is, and asks if she did something to her other kids that they don't want to talk to her or visit her. It breaks my heart and makes me furious at them! I've even told them what she's said and it just rolls off their back. Our mother has always been there for all of us kids - she raised 7 of us alone and helped all of us with our kids. If infuriates me even more than leaving me to take care of her alone (except my brother's her POA). Not even on her birthday or Mother's Day. Sickening.

And Jeanette, I noticed that you posted a whine about cooking three meals a day some time ago....stay tuned as that may be my next whine!!! ha ha!!

I'm still not quite sure how this "Whine" page works. It says to "stay on topic" but by the time I get to respond to what someone wrote, the topic has changed!! So , sorry if I am interjecting in the wrong place. Hope, Jeanette, Dee....You all sound like angels and your support really made me feel better. I just want you to know that knowing that there are others going through this experience who can offer support means so much. Countrymouse, I could cut and paste and have the president email for me, and my siblings (aka "stooges") would do nothing. In the beginning I begged and pleaded and yelled and nothing mattered. There was always an excuse. We do get TONS of phone calls but to me, phone calls just don't count all that much. It's too easy these days to phone someone. You can do that from the car, the street anywhere. What counts is spending your time and your life with your loved one. Time is the most precious expensive gift of all as you can never get it back. Thanks for letting me whine and for all of your encouragement!! I hope that you all have a wonderful day today!!

That's such a cool idea, Hope! I've been working on my mom's backyard, have gardens around the entire perimeter and the front yard. Now need to put in a deck or patio and some furniture. Saw a cool idea for a bench using 4x4s and cinder blocks - that would work well in the far garden by the pussy willow tree I planted last year. Still need to get the food garden designed - want to put in 4 raised beds with an herb garden in the middle. Need to get the seeds started indoors next month. Mom always wanted a gazebo - would really love to build a pretty wooden one connected to a deck. How sweet would that be? Right now I have to drag her backwards through the grass, up/downhill, in her wheelchair, to get her under the maple tree. It would be awesome if I could get a backdoor leading onto a deck with a gazebo coming off one side. Ahhh, dreaming.

Sure dee! come on down..or over... ;) the picture of the one I love so much is so pretty I think I could live in it myself..In fact I am quite sure that during the summer I will most likely sleep in a hammock that I plan on putting in there....We have a very tree filled lot so it is a perfect setting to fix it just right and not one neighbor will even know it is there...and that would be great for the kids and for me...