My "whine moment today." What's yours?

Finally had to resort to headphones and LOUD music tonight. Love my mom to death, but the constant bodily noises from 6' away are driving me nuts today. Hearing her sucking food out of her teeth after dinner was the last straw for me today. Probably just me, but I have to do something to block it out or I'll end up snapping at her. Lord, my kingdom for an office in the house where I could close the door....but that kind of defeats the purpose of me even being here, I guess. (sigh) These are the days I catch myself thinking, "I can't wait to be ALONE"...but then I realize what I'm wishing for - and those thoughts stop. I know when I *am* finally alone, I'll be wishing for her to be back.

Tonight's playlist is an eclectic mix of 70's love songs, 80's hair metal, 70's tv show themes (Welcome Back Kotter!), 80's love ballads, classic country (Patsy Cline, Loretta Lynn, Faron Young), classical pieces (Symphonie Fantastique) and movie soundtracks. I love my Amazon Cloud Player - free music with my Prime membership. Yes, it does have benefits other than cheaper prices on Mom's pads! LOL

Learned once again today exactly why I have to follow her to every single bathroom visit, other than when I'm asleep and can't. I got busy with my work and kind of missed the fact that she had gone into the bathroom. Let me tell you, for a large woman with mobility problems, she moves lightning fast in the bathroom if she knows I'm coming in there to monitor her progress and to make sure she gets everything done properly (incontinence pad changed, undies changed if wet, new clothes, bottom wiped, etc). She can be in there less than a minute and I'll go in there and find her sitting on the toilet with all her clothes on, and she's already used the toilet - and with a smirk on her face, like - "Ha! I beat you!". It's almost comical. Almost. Then the argument ensues. Me: Did you change your pad? Mom: Yes. Me: Are you sure? Mom: YES. Me: Is there a wrapper in the trash? Mom: (digs through the trash) YES. Silly me, I didn't make her check to see if she had a pad on - she didn't. So one more wet pair of undies and pants later....I'm kicking myself for not checking.

pamzimmrrt, I sent you a private message with a website that might be helpful, it deals with senior living here in the D.C. metro area [Maryland & Virginia].

There was a post on here, in the questions section, just a few days ago. Poor girl had the same gripe as most of us do, yet she got trounced for it. I should have replied but didn't.

Why do WE have to ask for the obvious?

Even if I did start asking they wouldn't be so obliging... perhaps I will start a "study" on "asking for help from a sibling" and document it here.

hope, this is a BAD time of year for viruses... it goes from very warm and dry to very cold, wet and humid, which all breeds those nasty viruses. Save your respite for a nicer day (if you can).

Hope...your brother has a life and you need to get back there?! Sounds like my brothers. Infuriating!!!

My whine.. I have been trying to get some info on local MC units in our area.. on line.. There is one near us that would work, but I was after some options as Dad is getting to be a handful some days, and Mom is getting unable to deal with some of it and Hubs is worried Dad will get violent. I accedently got on one of those "home for Mom" type sites.. thank goodness I gave a fake phone number (sorry if it is someones...LOL) 15 emails later, and no info... Just lots of emails to call them, etc. I know they are commision sites, I've been there before. What was I thinking?? Someone slap me now! SO.. what is the best way to get some real info? I have been asking friends. We don;t need assisited liveing,, it would be MC for Dad only.

Amen to that dee...the last time I was away from here overnight was April 2012. I was at my little home on the pond, sitting on my patio enjoying a relaxing morning and thinking how nice it was to just have a little time to myself...He called and started asking me if I was on the road... WHAT??? No, I'm sitting here drinking coffee....we chatted briefly then he called back soon after and informed me "I have a life and I have a wife and you're going to need to get back here...(SIL) called and needs me to come and start the grill....OMG....I began to get continuous texts, texts, texts, I finally just got on with my getting ready and back I went..so much for some relaxing time away...I never have been able to go again...if we can get past these bugs and viruses I am going to take advantage of a respite period and THEN I will do a few things for me. right now the hospice nurse even told me that there are a lot of viruses running wild at the NH facilities, even rehabs, so I can't do it just now..but hopefully soon... :(

I'm with you, Hope! Why DO we have to ASK siblings for help with OUR mom???!!!! I call and ask "can you stay with Mom for a few hours" so I can take my son out for his birthday and I get lambasted! I ask maybe 6 or 7 times A YEAR for a few hours. Freaking ridiculous! They'd soil their drawers if I told them I couldn't do it anymore. They'd run for the hills and leave me to deal with it just like they always have. I have a sister 10 years younger, but she has MS and can't help with mom. She lives 45 minutes away and has 4 kids, one in elementary school. One of the dozens of times the previous caregiver called off she drove all that way without telling me she wasn't feeling well, so I didn't have to miss work again. But my brothers that live 4 blocks away and 15 minutes away didn't even bother to return my call. Really, really, really ticks me off. This is OUR mom! They act like they're doing ME a favor if they deign to assist me with anything. In all fairness, they have helped me with some things I needed done at my own house, and I'm grateful to them. I need more help with mom, though! I'm trying hard to remember that I can't change people but I can control how I respond and I'm trying hard not to internalize it anymore and let it consume me. Not worth it. Who knows what goes through their minds? I don't even care anymore. I'm just going to find peace for me and that's all I can do.

Captain the correct answer to the feminist light bulb joke is: "One. And it's not funny."

And why my brother would bend over backward to side with a cousin who is little more than a lying, using, trouble making jerk and yet leave me to fend for myself is hurtful to me as well.

CM and Jeanette...isn't it amazing that most of us could copy and paste that and send it to our siblings and it would fit perfectly! Unbelievable..and Jeanette..you are 100% correct...why in the heck should we have to ASK for help with OUR Moms...

I have done something just a short time ago that I rarely do, but I am getting older now and heck, I'm tired so I am going to stop getting put in the middle...I'd love some feedback if anyone wants to voice it...First of all, I hate a trouble maker more than anything on the face of the earth....hate it....all of my life I seem to find myself in situations where someone will NEED to tell me something, but will tell me that old song and dance...now don't tell them I said that...and analyzing what was said, you know it would just hurt someone if that person knew it so you just try to bite your tongue and not go spreading stuff around...I still maintain that is best particularly if the person will derive no benefit from knowing it and will only be hurt by it....

BUT....I think I have mentioned, my cousin had an accident and as her car was an older model, the impact caused enough damage to sufficiceintly total the car. Now this same cousin has also had a "small stroke"...but her neurologist has told her she is cleared to drive...this is the oldest cousin still living and she has always done and done for that side of the family and none of them has ever done anything in return to help her..unless they charge her a pretty penny for it...she has always been made the butt of jokes and been sniped about behind her back and it has been sad to me to see it going on . A lot of it she even knew they did but she just kept on going. Fast forward 20 years and now she is trying to find an older model, yet safe care with a modest payment that will get her around town for her errands...drives probably 30 miles a week at most....never goes out of town...anyway, my brother is an expert in the car industry and could build one from the ground up, so he's an excellent source to confirm whether a used vehicle is a good deal. I know enough to do ok at it, but he's a lot better to say the least...anyway, he is very concerned about her driving and he had told my cousin he would look for her after she asked me, then told me that he didn't think she needed to drive period...(why didn't he tell HER that when she asked him??) well, I now find out that one of my least favorite people (also a cousin) on the face of the earth called my brother behind my cousins back and told my brother she just did not think my cousin needed to be driving...somehow, not unsurprisingly, she convinced him and he is no longer looking for a car now. My cousin was getting angrier and angrier that my brother had not found her a car and after feeling almost sick about all of it I just called her today and told her the point blank truth...that our cousin had called him and told him she did not think this cousin needed to drive anymore and he agreed with her.....

Sadly, it broke my cousins heart...And of course she cried..and of course she is mad, but all of my life when I have been told things like this and did not tell someone the truth it always comes out later on anyway and then the person about whom the info was shared finds out I knew it and I am the one who gets thrown under the bus...so I told the truth. I felt like she had the right to know why none of these people are looking any longer..I also told my brother I told it. I didn't do this on a whim and thought it through and finally asked myself would I want to know and I would have definitely wanted to know....I am still looking for a good reliable car for her...and I hope I did the right thing....but she is the ONLY one who has been here for me..how can I not help her???

Sally, there tragically a lot of us that can relate to what you're dealing with concerning your siblings. Hang in there and keep doing what it takes to keep your loved one happy and comfortable. -
The last time my mother was in the hospital they didn't visit her either, just kept blowing up my phone, which I didn't bother to answer. They are within 20 minutes of us and if they were that concerned they'd just stop over. I call my brothers "Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb". One cannot function without the other. Weirdest thing I ever saw for two grown men ( 57 and 60) They try and blame me saying I never ask them for help, which is not true BUT on the other hand, I should not have to ask them to visit their mother. Months go by and na'er a peep from them. I stopped feeling resentment and anger towards them long ago. Heck, I think they're both so far gone in dysfunction that I feel rather sorry for them.

Mom had another restless night... she's sleeping comfortable now so I think I shall just let her rest until her carer get's here at 1:00 p.m. This way I can get a few things done without following her around making sure she doesn't hurt herself.

hope, thinks for reminding me it's garbage day!! lately I don't know one day from the other, they just blend together...

have a great day!

Sally77, I would love it if you would cut and paste your "whine" into an email and send it, as is, to your siblings. It's straight from the heart. They need to know.

You know, the funny thing is, the very last time we were in the hospital, I have to admit I had just about had it...I was on the verge of having my home foreclosed on and while by the grace of God that didn't happen, a developer was able to find out exactly what I owed on it and so while the mortgage and lien against it was paid off..I lost every single bit of my equity plus I had to PAY $600 some odd dollars on the closing cost because I had such a crappy realtor....my brother, who has two lakefront homes, one of which used to be mine also...(another sad long story) has a huge income, as does his wife, AND his MIL lives with them and she has two incomes from her deceased husbands retirement and her SS. Soooo, they live it up, do whatever they want and have not contributed one dime to help with any of Mama's medical expenses or even basic living expenses...No one is the wiser because they put on such a good face when people are around and everyone thinks he is just the finest thing since sliced bread. I have a couple of aunts who finally know the truth (because I finally clued them in) and also a former neighbor who saw us growing up and knew how spoiled rotten he was and is knows all about his tight hiney....but I digress...anywhoooo, I had been at that hospital almost a week this last time, they could not get Mama's warfarin adjusted to where it needed to be, my home was under seige and one night the nurse came in to check on Mama and I was just about as low as I have ever been.....we were just talking about different things and all of a sudden I just flat out told her I did not think I could take much more and I started crying...she was very nice...I knew I had to get a grip on myself, and did, but she told me she was so sorry, that at least I had a wonderful family who was here to help me out....I filled her in real fast, not that it was any of her business, but I finally got so stinking tired of everybody bowing down and throwing gold leaves in his path as he walked by. It has been that way all my life with him...we have had a few throw downs over the course of the past three years....he never knew I had a temper until those happened...He doesn't mess with me anymore because I will win in a showdown, but it's sad it has to come to that...but he ought to be ashamed..his wife, whom I have not seen in over two years now should SURELY be ashamed..Sadly neither is and do not even see that they are out of line...Sorry for the long winded diatribe, the story I repeat is one of many that are all just alike on here and the characters are just different...three stooges..yes I like that a lot!!

I know it's not funny, but Sally I couldn't help getting a chuckle out of the three stooges reference...exactly right!!! hahahahahaha

Hang in there, Sally! Hugs to you!

Thank you so much Dee and Hope for your kind words and support. Hope, that sounds exactly like my life. I run here and there and everywhere for my mom. If I didn't love her like I do, I could never do this. I am done expecting a thing from any of the "three stooges". I will be here for my mom until the bitter end and that' it!!! I will be back!!! Love and Hugs!!! xoxox

Oh Sally....I so understand, and I'm pretty sure most everyone on here does because for some reason, that seems to be a recurring theme with caregiving. Like you, I have always been the one to care for my Mama and her alzheimers is now very advanced, but even before it was I was always there with her in the hospital because I felt like she needed me there..and did....but not one bit of help from the brother or sis in law..and like you, we were a very close loving family, so it is hard to believe this is my family. I have to say that the last few months my brother seems to be trying a little harder, but still is a no show when there is going to be any length of time involved...and I have a very vivid memory of one of Mama's last hospital stays when I was having to run back and forth to feed her cat, check the house, get rehab set up for her, in short, do it all....my sister in law called to tell me she was on her way to the lake to lie in the sun....did not offer to help, did not ask if we needed help...just told me she was going...and this was before Mama fell down her stairs and I was still living 2 1/2 horus away and was in the middle of starting a new job and they were literally trying to hold it for me til I could get there....had I not had a friend in that company I know they would have just let me go and chosen someone else...selfish, inconsiderate, no shows...a recurring theme for most of us. We feel for you...you can always vent here...it does help to get it out of your system...and there are really no words to make us feel better except to know we're kind of in it together....((HUGS))

Sally, I know exactly how you feel. Every time my mom's been in the hospital I'm the only one there. Everyone lives within 20 minutes of the hospital, but you think they'd put their own life on hold for a few minutes to brighten her day and show her they care? No. And help me take care of her at home? Not in 6-1/2 years. Call her at home to say Hi? No. I'm done with asking for help. It just frustrates me when the only one answering my calls or texts or emails are the crickets.

Sorry to hear about your difficult time. Please try and find SOMEONE to get you some help. Try and forget about the "twisted" ones, it only hurts you. Glad you joined this group. We are all rooting for you!

groovin on some old pics this am . i know somewhere i have a pic of edna on a trip to az with myself , mom and bluntman . bluntman bought himself a real colorful glass bong and edna couldnt keep her hands off of it . she wasnt sure what it was but it was so pretty she kept picking it up every chance she got . ive done found one of her smiling and reaching for it but i know theres one somewhere of her hugging it fondly to her chest . she was 75 ish at the time .
d*mmit to h*ll . the world just aint producing more of the kind of loving homekeeper and pioneer women like her anymore .
be a good a time as any to tell my beloved / horrible joke tho .
ya know how many femenists it takes to screw in a light bulb ?
two .
one to turn the light bulb and one to - um - ---- me . lol
knock me in the head moderators . its ok . my social statement and sense of humor have , in combination , probably veered over your line in the sand , slightly .
still a funny joke tho -----

I rarely post anything here but I do read a lot of the posts and can certainly relate and understand what everyone is going through. Before I start my whine, here is a little background info: My mom is 93 and I love her to pieces. She is in pretty good shape except for her dementia. I have been living with her and caring for her for the last 20 years. Mom caught a very bad cold and cough and had to go into the hospital this past weekend. It was a nightmare. Her dementia got worse the longer we were at the hospital . We were there Sun. thru Tuesday night. I stayed with her the entire time except for brief breaks in the afternoons. It was horrible and I feel I have earned my right to complain. She was upset because she is SO attached to her two dogs and she kept wanting to look for them and kept asking me to take her home. On Tuesday, she was feeling much stronger, Thank Goodness, but her confusion was getting worse and worse. She was combative and not her usual sweet self towards me. She was blaming me for not taking her home. It was exhausting. Now, Here is my Major WHINE....Not one of my my three siblings came to the hospital to see her and they all live close by. They called me and badgered me with questions, told me how to do things, but never made an appearance. I am so tired of all of them. I felt so bad for my mom who knew that I was the only one there with her. My sister and I are now not speaking. I have not spoken to my brothers for three years because I am so disgusted that not one of them can EVER give me a day off of taking care of my mom. I am so mad that they don't come and visit her. And I am tired of their lame excuses. Sometimes everything just seems so surreal. I can't believe that these people are my family! We all used to be a close family, but apparently not that close. I feel like I am totally alone in taking care of my poor mom. And when I say I get NO HELP I mean I get NO help. Zip. So, I thank you all for reading this. I just finally had to post something. I am just so upset that no one came to the hospital. Love to you all!! Okay...now I can move forward......

aww thanks for that dee.... :) you are as well.... !!!

Well, back from the morning fluff up and about to get her something to drink. She is tired after having to be rolled around so I let her rest a bit after.

I may be going crazy, but today is our normal garbage day and I am obsessive about getting every last bit of trash out of the house before they get here...I had one little bag left and heard him coming and it is quite the haul to get there from the house but I decided for the sheer challenge of it to give it a go. I made it there and then just felt like hanging out and waiting to bring the cart back...And while there I got to enjoy waving at and talking to the man in the truck....These folks work hard...and I really enjoy getting to talk to them...now I know that was a bright spot in his day...haha...but maybe it's just that seeing folks out and about in the normal whoop tee do of the day is so refreshing..whatever it was I feel lifted...and now the sun is really bright and I may just venture out into the yard again....we shall see...

Hope, you are such a sweet soul. Have a beautiful day everyone.

Yes, sadly I must confess, I had become extremely frustrated and Mama was being particularly difficult and I have no earthly idea why I did it, but I did. The look on her little face was priceless...sometimes I wish I knew what she thought....then again, maybe good that I don't know...lol

You know Dee, Mama used to tell me all the time that I did not ever need to worry when we had words or hurt feelings at one another, that she knew me and knew that I loved her and that she did not see how I did what I did without losing it more. Mama was my biggest cheerleader in life, she knew most of what I had been through, though I kept some of it from her because just parts of life will always be too painful to share with anyone...but she always encouraged me and would set me back upright when I lost my way and started to think of giving up....I miss that so much now. Just the sound of her voice is such music to my ears. These days, I go for days, most often weeks on end without hearing her voice...even when she says one word...just hearing HER voice uplifts me to the point I can go on for a lot longer doing this...She is a sleepy head this morning but I am about to get her fluffed up for the day....it is so cold here again, I always hate to rouse her when she's all snuggled up nice and cozy, but then she loves it when she's all set for the day and snuggled back in her little nest....so onward and forward...here I come Mama...I hope everyone has an excellent day...

Hope, you mooned your mom?! Oh my gosh that made me laugh! What a picture in my mind! I'm sure your mom would too! I bet if you did it again she'd find it hilarious. I regret many times I treated my mom terribly when I was a teen. It still stings every time I remember and makes me cringe. She forgave me and told me I have to forgive myself. I try to remember her words when I lose patience with her now. One day at a time.

We all second guess ourselves at times and have some regrets about things. The job we are doing is immense and we are only human. What we are doing is enormous and many people could not or would not do this. We should all remember that we are doing the best we can under the circumstances, learn from what we thought we might have done better before, and know we are truly strong to be doing this....even though it may not seem like it to us sometimes! Love and strength to all of you as we face another day!

If I were to be honest with myself... I do believe my mother would not know if she was here or not. Sorry if this hurts anyone's feelings... trust me, it hurt mine realizing just how much she isn't with us anymore. Yes, she lost her ability to understand sorrow, hurt, death and even joy quite some time ago. Once upon a time I was very upset at her when my daddy passed. It did not phase her in the slightest. How could this be? No emotional things bother her anymore... which is why I try and tickle her to make her smile. She was such a happy nosey lady once upon a time.

I don't want to have regrets Bob... God knows I will need some sort of peace of mind when all is said and done. Children DO NOT have parent's die in their arms without some sort of ... damage? Baggage? Oh oh... I think Jessie mentioned something about her loved one having mental issues earlier in life and how it's affecting them now. I had a long conversation to myself about that... yes, it affects our loved one with dementia or AD at a different more challenging level. Sorry, I veered off... regrets?... no, I cannot deal with any regrets which is why I try so hard to do the right thing, not get angry, upset annoyed, mad or..... impatient with her. I'd be lying if I said it's not happened because it so has... I love her toothless grin ( yes, top teeth are out again) and just pray whatever is in store for her/me/us is swift, kind and loving.

Captain, could not have said it better...and I wish so much I too had known more about dementia when I first started this. Maybe I would have been more patient, less easily aggravated, frustrated, less apt to hit myself in the head with a pillow....I now know she could help none of the odd behaviors that presented themselves...I think I feel a lot of guilt..I have tried, but I feel like I have failed badly and sometimes I worry that if I had been more patient if she would have progressed this rapidly...I regret mooning her...twice even.....God bless her, I think I lost my mind on those occasions....I wish she could come back to me so we could laugh about that...I think she would probably think it was funny, and would forgive me....

Yes, it is so hard...seems like just a few weeks ago I brought Mama home and she was still able to walk and would make conversation and say some of the funniest things...she was always telling me she loved me, laughing at my jokes and singing and just a comforting time for us both..Now it seems like we have fast forwarded to a place where I rarely get to hear her voice at all...she has days where she does not has any interest in eating (drinking Ensure) and of course she has been sleeping most of the time for quite a while now. We did have some good moments this morning and she was smiling and laughing a bit even...but now she is very quiet and back to sleep and when my brother called earlier she barely got out any sound at all, she tried, but she's just so tired. I'm not fearful of death for myself...but losing someone I love as much as Mama ...I am speechless ....I know I will carry on because that is what she would want me to do...and I know how she would handle this same situation, how she has handled every one of these situations...her parents, my Daddy's parents, Daddy, most of her brothers and sisters...with grace and dignity and a strength that I'm not sure I have, but I know she would want me to be strong...I'm not sure I will be able to do that....I selfishly want to keep her here forever, but I love her so much I know it is important that she knows I will be ok if she wants to go home....and we have had that talk....she knows I know she loves me, all of us and I have told her that I will always look out for my brother...even though he aggravates me sometimes... :) from this point forward I am just trusting that God will see us all through this....and I know He will....but it sure is difficult..and oh so sad... love to you all....it seems we're all going through a lot with our loved ones ....prayers for everyone...