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I feel really angry at myself today. I feel like I just want to lie down and go to sleep. Mama has not had a good day and so that tends to make my mood go downhill...I get excited for her and then just as suddenly, she feels so sad again...it is heartbreaking...I truly WANT to accomplish things..I am trying so hard...but I just feel catatonic ...got up with all kinds of plans and such and once I could see Mama felt so bad it has just taken the wind out of my sails...I know I need to get a grip on myself because it is going to be this way for ever how long God sees fit...I so want to do something to make her feel better and all I can do is just be here for her and do what I know to do...it is a helpless feeling though isn't it...
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It does happen frequently that menopause hits the same time as caregiving responsibilities...yet another thing to heighten the challenge.Nothing like breaking into a hot flash just as you get some worrisome news about Mom. I am finding that the weather and time of year, seasonal doom and gloom are adding to my feeling bad today as well. Did not get any really good news from the Mom's doctor today, but nothing too bad either. Feel caught in a limbo. I bought one of those "Happy Lights" awhile back but am not sure how much this will help me right now...guess it can't hurt to sit in front of it for awhile and see if it makes me feel less depressed.
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Just got back from getting Dad vitamins from the eye doctor because he ran out last week.... he waits until he takes the very last pill in the bottle before letting me know :P

Left the pills off at my parents house when the discussion turned to Mom's hearing aids. Dad thinks Mom needs a more expensive hearing aid because the one they bought six months ago isn't helping. Hmmm, what part don't they understand is that Mom's ears are 97 years old and she's been slowly going deaf over the years. Plus Mom is afraid to put the ear piece too deep into her ear as it might hurt.... HELLO.

I got to keep reminding myself *it's their choice to do what they wish to do, thus take the responsibility that comes with those choices*.
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I am picturing myself wearing a smart hat....along with my flannel lounge pants and sweatshirt...nice! :) on the other note, as productive as I was yesterday, I am totally stuck in neutral today...sure wish I could have energy filled days in a row....knuckles are dragging today....
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FF most of them are too dumb to think it up.
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LOL, Veronica, I am just glad that today's generation of young doctor don't dare give such a suggestion.

When I hear this, all I can think about is "I Love Lucy" when Lucy use to buy a new dress and hide it from Ricky :0
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FF does that mean that all the smart women we see pictures of are going through menopause?
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About menopause, just do what the doctor would tell my Mom back in the 1960's when she had menopause.... go out a buy a new hat :P
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I am realizing that my mother is "high maintenance" she has certain cravings for food and expects that we eat that food. I've been letting her know that we're going to eat what I make and she's been amenable.
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wow, sorry...I really needed an edit button on that post...I think yall catch my drift.. :)
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fligirl, I understand what you are saying...it is weird, but I went into menopause just as all this started with my Mama...and it has been horrible...Since I lost my health benefits soon after I left my job, I did seek any kind of therapy or whatever it is they say you can do to ease the symptoms, so I just sucked it up and toughed it out, but I still get angry from time to time and I don't know if you ever accept what is happening to those we love. I thought Mama was in the beginning stages of passing a couple of weeks ago, as did our hospice nurse, then she had a remarkable turnabout, but now she is back to that state of just staring...her health is ok though, and the nurse said this is just typical of the disease, the good days, the bad days, more good days...a lot more bad days...it is a constant emotional roller coaster...and to say it is hard is an understatement.

I fight a lot of feelings of resentment, and for a long time I pretty much hated a lot of people along the way, until I realized that all that was doing was making me feel any more ill than I felt already.

I saw some posts this morning on Facebook by the girlfriend of my oldest nephew, both of whom have virtually abandoned Mama a long time ago...I have loved this young man and been so proud of him all his life...until now...Mama was always so good to him and now he is off on his own, does't give a flying flip about his Dad, my Mama, me or anyone or anything else other than his own self serving needs..same with his girlfriend..doesn't work, sits on her butt all day long living off my nephew, yet spews her views right and left about what life is all about and how people ought to live their lives etc. etc. blah blah..Bull$***.....it makes me furious. what do two kids who have never had one stinking thing to be responsible for every known of what we are going through..but again, thinking of it drives me mad...I guess that's their business if they choose to be self serving donkeys...and then again, I guess they saw their Mom and also their Dad, my brother, be pretty much NON PRESENT all those years so I guess their following in the footsteps.

So back to the day at hand..I guess I'll just continue with my efforts at clearing out more clutter and getting the house organized...and keep an eye on Mama. It's so hard to sit here and see her unhappy..she looks so unhappy today...it is heartbreaking..yet I know all I can do is what I AM doing and making sure she is comfortable and knows she is loved...At least the sun is out today...this is a hard road...and a lonely one. I know I am not going to be the same afterwards...heck I'm not the same now....but I think for me to carry on later on I know I am going to have to stay focused on just doing what I am doing and know that later on I will have no regrets...and I will continue on with life in whatever way I need to for ME....for the FIRST time in my life...God willing.....
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Poor Capt I feel your pain. Going to try some spinal injections at the begining of Feb.
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singin telegram ;

na na na NA !!
gotta get out today , and work at mike's .
s'colder'n a well diggers a** , in the klondikes .
gotta make money , for my female lackey .
her name is heather , but i call her crack - ey ...
she wants to work seven days , without no slack.
she hasnt seen the x - rays , of my freakin BACK ..
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I am new to this group, but not new to caregiving. I am currently caring for my husband, my white knight. He too has the 3-6 pm fits..some call it sundowners. Most the time I just let it go. Sometimes I get so angry. It is just not fair that my partner and companion is slipping away day by day. No whine really. Just sad.
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It am in a horrible mood. Since menopause I get depressed and really angry. It happens every few months then I get inpatient and angry with mom. I always say I am sorry but I ask God to forgive me and I just feel so mean. I don't understand this disease like I should. Mom will eat a whole good meal and an hour or so after she says she is hungry. Does she really forget she ate? Even if she did forget wouldn't she still. Be full I think that I am still in denial. I thought I had accepted this but I don't really think that I have. Then my sister was to come up and relieve me so that I could go to San diego and she bailed. She said that she had a doctors appointment today and could not come up. Mom had one also today and she has not even called to see how mom is. I have not trusted her my whole life and still don't but she said she changed and I am trying to believe her. I am sorry but I just needed to vent. Thanks
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I'm getting tired of having to be the brain. I'm tired of having to explain the most ridiculous things as why we chose those lightbulbs for the light fixtures in the house. As if we had a choice. The fixtures have those off twisty bulbs but instead of screwing these in it has two prongs. THis is only the latest in the ridiculousness. I half think this is my fault because he's always asked these stupid questions and I've always tried to answer. Now I have had enough.
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Litidog think you for your kind words and he is 72 I put it wrong in profile. Its me who is 70!! today we found out he has a cancer on his arm so more surgery! and yes he always took care of the pool and all the out side stuff. when I hired a lawn service he did not like it! but when I tried to use the riding lawn mover and ran over the grill and wiped out several things in lawn he agreed it would be cheaper to hire some one before I wiped out the house!!!! the cancer is Squamous cell carcinoma same as was on his ear and neck
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Hey Susan, I am so happy to see you post. Yes, it is hard dropping their li'l grown selves off. I agree that I hate it too. My son told me I should come home where there are many people willing to help. Best thing is seeing your son!
I'd like to not say "hurry home" but your weather is going to be rough and well, we want you safely home.

If you have an extra garbage bag, pile it one, and whoosh you go!!

I LOVE that you took you dog.

Again be safe on your trip (home).
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Hey Susan, I am so happy to see you post. Yes, it is hard dropping their li'l grown selves off. I agree that I hate it too. My son told me I should come home where there are many people willing to help. Best thing is seeing your son!
I'd like to not say "hurry home" but your weather is going to be rough and well, we want you safely home.
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My whine for the day: my heart is hurting and empty after dropping my youngest son back off to his dad after visiting for 3 days. I have to say thank you to Mother Nature for giving me an extra day with him due to the snowmageddon that blitzed about 85% of my travel route today with blizzard conditions and freezing mix. So at least I had that....but we were both in tears when I left him not long ago, and he just called me sounding sad again. I hate this.

Staying in a cute little mountain cabin, but "mountain" means exactly that, and I had to park at the bottom of the very steep (and now, snow-covered and icy) road that goes to the cabin, and hike up to the cabin when I got back from dropping my son off tonight. Tomorrow morning, I'll have to pack the rest of my gear out with me, along with the dog, so that will be interesting. Dog, dog's blanket, purse, laptop computer in a case with a shoulder strap, and a couple of fabric grocery bags of stuff to haul down with me - unless I want to make 2 trips, which I really don't. That hill is STEEP. I was puffing like a racehorse when I got up here. LOL I think I'll stuff as much as possible into a trash bag and sling it over my shoulder like Santa Claus. Kinda wish I had a plastic sled to pile it on and I could slide it down behind me....or I could load the stuff, the dog and me all in the sled and go WHOOSH down the mountain to the van. LOL
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Rising hand... I also know where the prune juice is in our grocery store :P Dad was having issues and Mom suggested the prune juice which apparently is helping. Something safe without a bunch of chemicals.
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I agree Jeanette, re the knowing where the prune juice is...and all other healthcare related items...I feel like someone could go in and dismantle the entire healthcare and adult underwear sections and I could put it all back in order exactly as it should be without the floorplan diagram....
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I completely believe that all of it accumulates and accumulates and finally you just blow a gasket....that is exactly what happened to me recently right there in front of the hospice nurse and aid. it was UGLY....I cried and cried and cried and even threw a couple of four letter doozies in there then started blubbering about mooning Mama again and every thing was really serious and dramatic and then the mooning thing caught them off guard and they both were looking at each other and all of a sudden the started howling which made me laugh to and so long story short I got it all out of my system and so far have felt so much better...I just think it's better to find an outlet and get it out before it becomes something that could be a danger to you or your loved one....I am not crazy I don't think but I have resorted to reaching a point where I take a big fat pillow and go in the bathroom and close the door and just hit myself in the head with the pillow until I feel totally worn out on top of feeling ridiculous and once again, it's out of my system....

I have been adding natural honey and probiotics to Mama's ensure concoctions and for her it seems to be regulating her system to where things are a bit more normal....the honey I found recently is some of the best I have had a a long time and I have always heard it has natural healing properties..as long as your not allergic to it...I could eat that whole jar with a spoon....
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judda, I think your anger is an accumulation of many things, not just grieving the loss of the mom that once was. I bet even Jean Cleaver?...lost her patience at times and she was just dealing with kids, not adult willfully kids that you once looked up to. I'd be annoyed too when she said unkind things in front of the waiter... human nature even if she can't help it and it's the disease, well, we don't have it and neither do strangers know she has it. You get what I'm saying... sucks all the way around. Ohhh, I love listening to music with nature sounds... it's my "please God help me go to sleep and relax" music and of course, a good cry never hurts.

I've been in the kitchen making a giant mess with my Ninja Blender coming up with a fortifying juice mom will drink. So far a made a full blender containing a cup of plain greek yogurt, 2 apples, an entire bag of spinach, 2 cucumbers, 2 red peppers, 4 oranges, cup of frozen strawberries, blackberries and blueberries from the yard last year that I froze, so that's 3 cups berries altogether, 2 banana's, handful of grapes and a cup of broccoli. To keep it somewhat thinned I did add 2 strawberry ensures. Then.... I filled up 4 ice trays with my concoction and am freezing it now. My plan is to add 2 cubes to each ensure she drinks, maybe even more, depends on how much actual food I can get her to eat. So far she drank a BIG glass of it already :) Now, if my kitchen would clean itself I'd be a happy camper!
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Just want to add that perhaps my anger and lack of patience with Mom has a lot to do with grieving the loss of the days when I used to have real conversations with her.
Do you find that to be true for you too? Maybe what I need is a good cry.
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Today is my day for the whine moment. Took Mom shopping. I just wasn't into it at all. My mind was in a dozen other places and listening to her non-stop one way chatter about the soap opera going on in her Indep living place was so annoying: all the while driving in traffic. I tried to insert a comment here and there and she kept brushing me off, cutting me off. It was all I could do to keep myself from bursting out, "UGH, I can't stand this anymore!" I held it in until we were in the Chinese restaurant.

It was time for Mom to order and they had an unusual amount of included food and choices to make. She had been there once before but she was very indecisive and although I explained how the special worked, she wasn't showing any signs of getting it, dissed me and said outloud how the waiter can explain it to her. Being hungry and rolling my eyes when the waiter came. I ordered quickly and my mother still wasn't ready. All I said were 2 words to the waiter: and I said it under my breath, but you know about selective hearing: I said to him, "Have fun."
"Well!! That's my daughter. I wish I had a different daughter. She's so mean to me..."

Let that pass, but geez. How much can one take of this crap? Still I am very grateful things are not worse! Ok. Done whining. I'm back home where I don't have to deal with anything else but me. The internet radio station is playing soft music with nature sounds. I'm coming back to my normal.
AAHHHHHHHHH. And thank God for you guys!
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Ha!! What is even funnier is people actually KNOW what aisle the prune juice is on!!

I saw the news segment on the house for the vet also. Brought tears to my eyes. Happy tears.

Dark chocolate covered goji berries?? ohmahgod that sounds too good to be true!! What isle are they on ;)

It's still early here so I've not had enough coffee to fully energize and reading hope's energetic day is more fun:) Everyone's been fed, cleaned and taken for a quick walk and now it's a medley of late morning snores laying in the sun that's shining through the window :) which includes mom since the sun is hitting her recliner in just the right spot. It might be 40 outside but the window sun is nice n toasty!!
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Go, Hope! I really need to do the same thing (clear out the clutter). Such a good feeling when everything's neat and tidy. Thought I'd better clarify - clear out the household clutter, not clear out the bowel clutter. Oh boy, I'm getting loopy. Had my favorite dark chocolate covered goji berries for dessert and now I'm a little loopy. On the plus side - they have 20% of the RDA for vitamin C and lots of healthy antioxidants. Hey, gotta justify eating them, right?
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Jeanette, one for the "you know you're a caregiver if" board...you talk about poop for 2 days". LOL!
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Jeanette...I have seen the prune juice in the section where raisins and dried fruit are, and I have seen it in the canned fruit aisle and also in the juice section..Maybe they think if they keep moving it around it will make folks walk enough that they won't need the prune juice.... lol.....sorry, not funny..

I think I am a little delirious because I actually accomplished something today...and did so early so now I have other projects earmarked....

I saw the segment on the news about the building of the home for the veteran and that was excellent. I have begun trying to help organizations and folks directly or groups I KNOW I can trust...there are way too many groups out there who have suddenly found a new way to zero in on folks and make a ton of money and could actually care less about what they allege to be trying to help..a sad but true fact of life now...God will get em one day for that...I hope...

Well, it is cold, dreary and icky out so a good day to continue my indoor progress....I sat down to take a little break and the longer I am sitting the more my mind starts wandering towards the word "nap"...no no NO...must not do that on a day that has started out so ambitiously.... :)
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