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Captain, I know you have elaborated on it somewhere in thread but does Edna cook the apples on the stove or bake them with the red hots and spices and such? If you think of it I'd love to know...
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Captain, you sure have some precious memories ......I think you might be a teddy bear in reality.. :) I started to make some kind of spicy apple concoction last night and was sitting beside Mama with my blanket and the next thing I knew I woke up and it was midnight...needless to say the apples are still sitting in there waiting on me to do something with them. Red hots...now that's a great idea! I've had apple juice and apple cider spiced with those red hots but never even thought of it in the baked or cooked apples...think I'll put red hots on my shopping list today....

I woke up to a blissfully clean lawn and it is so pretty. Mama was quite perky this morning and wanted some coffee with me....she even talked a little....when I hear her voice it touches something in me that I just want to hold onto forever...I told her I got her yard all fluffed up the way she always kept it and she smiled....she has always been known for being the "sweet lady who is always in her yard and always has a kind word to say " and so I need to carry on the tradition...Daylight got away from me so I didn't get my little sprouting bulbs put in the pot but I got the pot all ready and have my potting soil so that will be a fun thing today....I'll put them beside the large glass door so she can see them growing....

I'm not sure but I think the hospice folks called my brother the other day when they caught me crying. I am not certain how I feel about that. Now I feel like I can't really talk to or trust them. Brother will come at some point today and I will find out what happened there. Could be they just called him to let him know he needed to check on me because I was having a hard morning...he checked on me..One text.. "u ok??" yep, that was his idea of checking on me. Sadly, as much as I love him, he truly things I am just feeling sorry for myself..so if he thinks I am upset around here his response is to scold me. Hospice is aware of that...so if they did call him I am not going to be real happy about it...oh well...still too pretty of a day to obsess over that...
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Excessive pampering is never good for a child.
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edna has always loved cooked apples . they were a mainstay on her breakfast , lunch , and dinner table . she spices them with red hots cinnamon candy . the woman has always been an outstanding cook and it isnt to be attributed to recipes because -- edna doesnt read . she quit school at grade school level to help her dad raise food and survive . i dont have much good to say about formal education . sometimes i think it misses the point entirely .
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oh man, if ya want a real treat ( and you deserve one ) try some waffles and ice cream . im not sure it gets better than that .
when i stayed with edna for almost a year during my divorce in 2001 , she always kept me a huge bowl of sweet rice in the fridge . i virtually lived on the stuff . interesting thing was - it was always sweetened to absolute perfection . i was sick from hepc chemo meds and barely on my feet but the thought never escaped me that this girl didnt throw together some swill for me . she must have tasted it and adjusted it 10 different times . gonna make her some apple rice right now while my beans are cooking . she loves cold apple rice so dearly that she rations it to herself not realizing that i make a gallon of the crap at a time . lol
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I wish I had some of those apples right about now..I have some vanilla ice cream in there and I am thinking of some hot spicy apples right on top of a little blob of nilla ice cream....hmmmm
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Keep up the apples Capt. Good to eat and familiar prepared by a loving hand even if it is your dirty knarled fingers.
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So true Captain, I love that...."we're going to both walk bravely up to the unknown"...well said... today has been much better by far...and if I am busy being afraid, I could miss out on so many sweet moments...she is cozy tonight and I have my little spot on the sofa right at her feet where I can keep an eye on her...doesn't get any more precious than this....I will be with her now and I will carry her with me forever in my heart...

Frequent, you are so right, there is no excuse not to thank someone especially when you know they went out of their way to pick out something just for them...and I did, I really searched for this item because I knew it was something he would love...I have heard not one peep about it...not wanting pats on the back for it, would just like to have known they got them...I thanked them the NIGHT I got them..which was also the same night they went driving right on past our street...oh how much these kids have missed out on with Mama...their Grand....so sad..and to me, inexcusable...one day they may look back and regret it...I just don't get it...but I am not letting it get in the way of Mama and my fun...I'm going to make this as pleasant as possible...we know what's coming, Mama would not dwell and would not want me to..we're going to enjoy our time together..and maybe one day get to talk it over in heaven...

Book , I do have a smart phone...and it has a semi smart owner :) I love the phone but it took some time getting used to it....
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hope,
youre losing your mother a little bit at a time and i think your wise to look ahead at a life without her in it and be kind to her now while you still can . my mother and i drew extremely close in the last few months of her life . it was just her and i - and the bank of fog / confusion , and an occasional hospice or family visitor . it was our journey and i was honored to walk with her .
now its my aunt with late stage dementia facing her end of life . im taking this walk with her and we both know how it ends . were going to both walk bravely up to the unknown . i saw her tonight , we had a lovely and intimate time . shes still eating my cooked apples and ill by god , keep cooking them for her .
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Hope, I remember decades ago, the older generation would stop sending gifts to any grandchildren and/or nieces/nephews who never acknowledged a gift via of a hand written thank you note.

You'd think with modern technology in their pockets, that a quick thank you by email would be so easy to do.
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You know, reading these issues regarding children...I sadly don't have children, but I have nephews and while I love them, one of them has sadly gravitated from a loving compassionate and grateful person to more of a self serving, ungrateful, unthoughtful man and it is so disappointing...I don't understand it, he had everything he could possibly want or need growing up.....well, that may be the problem right there...he DID get everything he wanted and therefore there seems to be a sense of entitlement...it is most disappointing. And my sweet Mama was so good to these boys growing up and once they came along it was like my brother and I just disappeared..they were the light of her life...This one I am speaking of drove right past our turn off ...less than three blocks from our home on his ten hour trip from home during the Christmas holiday..and knowing how frail Mama is, he just went right on back home...I had bought them both really nice Christmas gifts and he has not one time acknowledged even getting them...oh well...once they get the age they are now it is too late ...them getting everything they wanted, even though they were sweet kids, just seems to have ruined them and they come first in their minds...to heck with anyone else...
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Hope, trust me, I'm just like you. I don't even know what the iCloud is for. All I've ever wanted in the tablet/electronic device - is internet access and access to my ebooks in Amazon. My BIL asked me if I was planning to use iCloud - I said no. Maybe one day I will regret not finding a way to stop the never-ending-upgrade in iCloud, but until then, maybe the iPad Air 1 would be a dinosaur. Although sis paid so much for this iPad, she is now pushing me to get a Smart Phone. I still own the dinosaur ones - flip opens with no camera. I think those flip opens are easier to hear the caller than the flat ones. By the way, I like your "Aha!" moment when you realized your fear of losing your mom and the realization to just enjoy her now . {{Hugs}}
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I sympathize with you Susan. I don't feel you were harsh at all. I am going through things with some of my children too and have finally reached the point where I am no longer going to bend over backwards or do anything for them anymore because I'm fed up with their ingratitude, their entitlement and their refusal to be there when I rarely ask--even though I am always there for those ingrates. Not to mention their lack of respect or appreciation. Nothing wounds a mother's heart more than ungrateful, unloving and hateful children.
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Had a great day today..Just kept to normal life as much as possible and got the yard raked because it was so pretty and sunshiney ( I guess that is a word..I like it) anyway, I came in often to peep at Mama and she was sleeping most of the time but if she woke up when I did I sat down and talked to her for a while about all her activites in her pretty yards...life is better this way...
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And Book, glad you "came off the could" :) and were able to load those books...I am not tech savvy and so I don't begin to even know what all that means....so I would be lost..proud of you for figuring it out....
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Well, I am happy to report that this has been a good morning for Mama and me. Late last night I guess it dawned on me that I was allowing my fear of losing Mama all the time to interfering with the precious moments we could be having together...I'm not saying I'm not worried anymore, because I can't imagine my world without Mama in it as I have said many, many times...but I realized my sadness and gloom and doom was going to spill onto Mama..so this morning I greeted her with a cheery voice, took time with her helping her drink her Ensure breakfast and gave her a good hot bath with some really nice bathing soap...got her all clean and cozy and after her bath gave her a lotion bath too and some of that yummy lavender scented powder....She watched me so intently the whole time and I sang to her and instead of letting the staring make me said, decided I would use this time and her focus on me to connect with her and tell her again how much I loved her...I also told her I knew she loved me and that I loved taking care of her....she is now snoozing up a storm with her little cats beside her. I saw a movie once, I think it was Shawshank Redemption where Morgan Freeman's character said "get busy living or get busy dying"...I think I have focused so much on losing her that I am wasting precious moments LIVING with her....I don't know what the future holds, how long we have, etc....but I am going to do my best to make sure we spend the time we have left living.....the sun is out...Mama is sleeping..and I am headed to the yard to pot some bulbs that have started popping their noggins through already...I hope everyone has a blessed and happy day...

Keeping you all in my prayers...

TryingtoCope, I understand, hang in there, there are good and bad times....oh how I know that...((HUGS))

Jeanette...still thinking of you and your Mom and your sweet pup..Praying you get some spend some lovely time with your son as well...((HUGS))

Susan...praying that whatever needs you and your son have are met and God holds you in the palm of His hand... ((HUGS))

Hugs to you all....
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my carer days are behind me but i can still find plenty to whine about if i try . gonna lay stone today with my worn out elbow , arthritic left hand and worn out lumbar discs . we're stoning the inside walls of a couple of basement egress wells right now and aside from the many climbing ledges inside the wells we built the first plant shelf yesterday . what differentiates it from the climbing ledges is the shelf protrudes much more significantly and has a couple of vertical / lateral , stone supports underneath it . the homeowner is going to be tickled to death with the progress . we can do " rustic " clear up to the point of medieval goth if we choose .
we built stone " bar " retaining walls around the driveway back in the springtime . after the asphalt drive is laid the homeowner is going to plant irish moss in the joints of the stone bars . it'll look a thousand years old . i love working for this guy . i have free reign on design but its enhanced by his utterly genius landscaping / building vision .
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How do you keep your spirits up around your LO when you are battling depression and feel like crying all the time? Most days I can "fake it 'til I make it" but some days I just can not. Mom is stage 4 - 5 dementia. Bad enough off that it is taking a toll on me and my home life - but not bad enough off that she isn't aware of things. Hubby and I have been fighting. A lot of it has to do with ma living in our house and the increased responsibility on me making me have to push some responsibility on him that he is resenting. I am not making unreasonable demands on him - and honestly make very few requests of him - I do ALMOST EVERYTHING MYSELF but that is not the point of my post. I know I am right and hubby is wrong on the issue LOL. But my problem is mom - trying to hide it from her when I am upset. I don't want her to feel like she is not welcome in my home so I try so hard not to let her see the strife that her addition to the household has caused. Mom expects me to be happy and smiling all the time. When I am not - she responds to my emotions and she becomes more agitated and difficult to handle. So as much as I am able to - I just stuff my emotions inside and paste on a happy face - but it gets so draining and sometimes I just can not frown emoticon And then the guilt comes. When I can't pull of the "peaceful happy environment" mom is looking for I suffer guilt. I know this is all my own issues and I probably need counseling to deal with some of this crap.....but considering I can barely get out of the house that is most likely not going to happen. Just so many demands on me all of the time - I am so tired and so down in the dumps
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Hope, I'm sure the hospice folks are used to family melt downs. And fights. And selfishness/greed that come to the fore. You just have to take it one day at a time. And be sooooo glad that you have hospice. Trust me, it's very very scary when you know you're mom is dying soon, and no one (her doctor, clinic, the hospice) is there thinking of HER situation - only the red tape angle. I'm glad that they're there for you and your mom. {{Hugs}}

Finally got my bro-in-law to try to stop the iCloud Drive from the never-ending updating which was using up the iPad battery fast. We tried resetting the iCloud password - still had problem logging in. So he reset it, quickly found a way to log in, and then he signed me out. I'm not familiar with iPads but I sure hope I never have a need for the iCloud. It's stuck on that updating mode. With that said, I spent all afternoon downloading my Unread Amazon ebooks into the iPad. Sis didn't think it would fit in the iPad since she got me the low memory one. It fit!
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Yes, Veronica....I have already had that very sad and difficult conversation with Mama....I did it again today...and you're right, I can't imagine life without Mama but it is so hard to see her like this...Even so, I know that God will see us through all of this, right now I can't see my way through it.

I am ashamed to admit I had a meltdown in front of the hospice folks today...I came apart like a two dollar suit....I finally got my prescription for at least two more weeks for the depression meds I am supposed to be on, which I have been without for the past almost two weeks...I have been dealing with that and today I think I finally found someone in the pharmacy who could tell I was unraveling and she knew it was not my fault but the fault of the doctor who for some reason is not handling this...so I have enough now to last me two weeks and hopefully that will give me enough time to get ths prescription corrected...If anyone has ever stopped cold turkey from their depression meds, they can identify with the totally insane feeling you are left with....it has been unbelievable to me that the doctors office cannot get such a simple thing correct...

For now, Mama is fast asleep and she is breathing a lot better..She has eaten enough today, though not as much as usual...I guess all I can do is take this one day at a time....If I think about it all I once I won't make it...

Susan still thinking of you and will say a prayer for you and your son. I don't have children....just the four legged variety, but my friends have gone through many a heartache with their own and I can only imagine how difficult it is and I know I can't possibly know how hard it is, but just know my thoughts are with you..and my prayers..

Jeanette...still praying for you and your sweet pup. I know you are excited to see your son and the timing of that is kind of amazing..I know how hard it is to have to lose a beloved pet, aka family member, but just keep in mind he knows how loved he is and has always been and you have given him such a great life...Hugs and prayers for you too.

FF, I too have had to drive far too many to help them to the rainbow bridge...mine are felines....I love dogs too, I just can't have them due to the herd of cats I have and the fact we don't have a fence just now....

Well, I think I'll put the old feet up for a bit and get me a hot cup of coffee....today has been a really hard day...the hospice folks earned their pay with me today...I am embarrassed to have come apart like that, but they said they see it all the time..I guess they would... just very sad....thank God the sun did come out today..it was good to see his smiling face again...
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I am with you Jeanette. Edit and spell check!
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I tried to post last night but this blue band keeps appearing at the bottom of the page and obscuring the "post comment" but half of it is visible so it may go through.
I am far from germ phobic in my personal life. my original comments were to help hope cope with the threats to her Mama that ousiders bring through the door not to describle how I behave in my own germ ridden environment.
We have always had animals in the house and for many years horses out in the barn so my three kids were raised in a far from sterile environment.
When I was a student nurse in the late 50s we did not even have gloves to use except for sterile proceedures and soiled linens had to be rinsed by hand before they could be sent to the laundry. Things like needles and syringes were sterilized by boiling and reused. Even surgical gloves were washed and re-sterilized as were urinary catheters. The patient's beds were damp dusted using a cloth and harsh chemicals so you can imagine the state of our hands. no i am not a germaphobe but have been trained to today's standards and am appaled by the number of healthcare workers I see breaking the rules.

Susan I am so sorry you are having to deal once again with heart breaking behaviour from your son. I hope this does not interfear with the pleasure of see your other some.

Hope I know how hard it is to think of life without Mama but do you think you may soon be able to give her permission to join your dear father. She must miss him terribly much as she loves you. very often our loved ones do need to be given permission to leave so when you feel able perhaps you can think about telling her she can leave and that your heart will be broken to see her go but you don't wish her to suffer and you will heal in time and make a new life for yourself and your furry friends. I know animals will always be a great comfort to you as they are to many of us. It must be as hard for mama to leave you as it is for you to think of loosing her but really she will always be with you in spirit in good times as in bad. If you believe in the after life there is always a connection. God Bless.
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Some days all I ask for is and EDIT button on this website...
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Ha! Trust me too. If you KNEW half of what I said above about my son, well, I left out a lot of shit. Wasn't the swat team surrounding out house enough?...LOL. Not making light of it Susan, just sayin.... I wish YOU and your son the best.
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I re-read what I wrote above, and it sounds so harsh. Trust me, if you knew what I'd been through in the past 22 years with this child, you'd understand.
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Thanks everyone for your kind words. I started typing out a long explanation of what's going on, but it's intensely personal, and to be honest, I'm ashamed to claim my son as my own at this point. I love him. I always will, because he's my son. However, that does NOT mean I have to like him or who he has become. I've always believed that there is some good in everyone. It hurts very much to find that my own child may be the undoing of that belief.

I appreciate the kind words and messages. I'm still just kind of dealing with this and not sure how to get my head around his latest incredibly stupid and hurtful act. I keep hoping it's some kind of sick joke, but I don't think so.
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JeanetteB, I just read about your dog... it is so hard, sometimes you hope that nature takes its course to the Rainbow bridge so that you don't have to, that way the other pets in the household can understand what is happening. But there are times when we need to help drive nature to the bridge. I've been the driver many times myself with my felines.
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My Dad just called [I always panic whenever I see their name on my caller ID since my parents still live by themselves at home].... Dad got an estimate for cleaning away leaves off his lawn and he couldn't believe the high price. I told Dad that sounds like the going rate.

Dad said maybe he will go out and mulch the leaves using his electric mower. I told Dad to just pay the price, get the done, and not worry about it until next time. He thinks he's the only house in the subdivision that hasn't raked his leaves off the lawn.

A neighbor offered to rake the leaves but Dad said no. I thought it was nice that the neighbor offered, but thinking to myself, this would just enable him and Mom to keep living in the big house. Now I wonder what the neighbors are thinking about me [I live literally around the corner], why aren't I there raking my parent's leaves.... ah, I had to pay someone to do that work at my own house because I can no longer do it myself.
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Thankfully I am not a germaphobe! There is enough going on in this house to drive me crazy without dealing with germs. It's clean enough for me and mom could care less. Using the bleach when wiping things down seem to keep things at bay as thankfully none of us have caught anything worth mentioning.

Apprehension of the inevitable. That is what makes me crazy. Not my moms pacing or lack of sleep. It's the apprehension of everything that is coming and knowing what it's going to entail. THAT drives me nuts. I don't dwell on it, yet it's always in the back of my mind. The death of my father less than two years ago was my first adult experience with the death of a loved one. Being with him for his last 6 months on Earth was without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever experienced and I honestly believe it's scarred me forever. With that said the apprehension of everything going on right now... my mother, my dog, just leaves my stomach tied in knots. I HATE DEATH. Sure, we all know it's going to happen but we don't have to like it.

My little buddy made it through the night. Deep inside I was hoping he'd just pass peacefully in his sleep and be on his way over the Rainbow Bridge. Thankful he's still here...

Now, I must find my happy and get my mind together. My son will be here tomorrow! YAY! Not looking forward to the drive (with mom) but we got to do what we got to do and we GOT to do this!
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And I have run a one woman hospital by myself for a over three years now, one of which Mama has been totally bedfast and I can tell you I am about to collapse...and I talked to the hospice folks and because of all the rampant viruses out there, they, like me, do not think it would be wise to even think of respite...Dear Lord, I don't know if I can take it
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