My "whine moment today." What's yours?

I know it's a tricky thing, especially re the work issue where a LOT of employers I think EXPECT you to come if you are able to stand upright...Don't agree that's the way to go and later in life I decided I simply was not going to work for someone who had so little regard for me or my co workers to want me to come to work still carrying a virus...but regarding the hospice issue, these folks are already so severely compromised and I had fought through at least FOUR bad bouts of flu, colds, etc. with Mama this year and in addition to almost doing her in, the constant dosing of meds, vaporizers, tons of laundry from throwing up on oneself, has just about finished us both off. I can't and won't risk it, especially irf I already KNOW they are sick...

I will have to say that my brother is a manager where he works and he flat out tells his folks to STAY HOME if they are sick because he knows how quickly one flu case can turn into a company wide one...and again, this is very different from germs...we're talking bugs, viruses, colds...as I sit here now, Mama has another infection from something and the only person who has been here other than myself is the healthcare aid who bathes her and who, AFTER coming into our home last week, announced that during their vacation, everyone else was coming down with a cold or the flu....I almost fainted....maybe that's not where Mama got this from...but I don't have it...two plus two....

I certainly second you on people having the sense to stay away if they have a streaming cold or think they might be getting one. Keep your horrible germs to yourself! There is nothing heroic, either, about struggling into work if you think you might be coming down with 'flu. Ten out of ten for stoicism, minus several million for public spiritedness.

I suppose it's a trickier decision if you're very low paid and don't get sickness benefits. Maybe there's a case there for looking at how care agencies and residential homes treat their workers? - but on the other hand, where do you even begin with that?

Actually, I do believe being paranoid about germs in general IS bad. My first sister in law was so paranoid and both her kids never developed any immunity to anything and were sick all the time with something..

Oh, I totally agree with being "germaphobic'..but that's not what I'm talking about here...I'm talking about people who are or have just been sick with a VIRUS, or the FLU...even a bad cold right now could be what takes out my Mama...I don't take offense to the germ commentary at all...I agree with you on that...but people with the flu or a stomach virus or even a cold..nope, sorry if it hurts their feelings but they're not coming .... my own brother does not put Mama at risk so I sure am not letting random people who just don't think come in..it has already happened once and a bug that used to be almost non noticeable will put Mama near death for a month or more...and that is what is killing me also....

Ebola?! Er, yes, I think even I might get a bit neurotic about hand-washing if we had Ebola in the neighbourhood. Some germs really do call for zero tolerance.

I feel quite irritable with the more extreme public expectations about infection control, though. What they seem to aspire to is eradication of bacteria in the environment. Good luck with that! I'm thinking of an e coli "outbreak" we had in the UK a while back; only it turned out that what had actually happened was that among a group of young schoolchildren being taken to visit a farm one had suffered a very nasty bout of food poisoning.

Poor little thing, but. It was a farm, with cows. Cows poo, and cow poo has e coli in it. Why wasn't somebody supervising the children's hand washing properly, or ensuring that they weren't eating sweets or whatever they were doing while they looked around the place? That was my question; but the authorities' focus was on preventing further educational visits until they could be "made safe." Which essentially means no more visits, and urban children believing that milk comes from bottles.

Hobbesmom, every time I go into a hospital I smell HibiScrub and go straight back in time to my first baby - brain surgeons had nothing on me when it came to scrubbing up! Oh my goodness the terror that a germ might get near him! Fast forward seven years and I'm taking him to play rugby, where mud is considered character-forming and good for the soul...

Hi JeanetteB, due to my health as well as my idiosyncrasies, I tend to wash my hands far more than others. Bag balm is amazing! BUT, it's essentially Vaseline x 10, which means it's not good to use during daytime hours. It's especially helpful now, during winter. Take a dab-ish amount and rub it into both hands. I would cover both hands with an athletic sock or gloves and then go to sleep at night. Works well on legs as well but the same thing...it's thick and will likely cause stains on good clothes so apply before bed. Great stuff!

* despite their germs

Hope and Veronica...no harsh criticism meant here, so please don't take it the wrong way. Take deep breaths. Germs are OKAY unless, of course, it's MRSA, Ebola, etc. I have an only child and I was so germo-phobic back when she was a baby. My eyes were like knives if you even dared rubbed your nose! The thing is...our loved ones are going to die sometime. We all will. You two are exhausting yourselves and are likely alienating loved ones who come to visit due to their "germs."

Jeanette, I'm so sorry you are going through this with your beloved pup..I totally understand where you are coming from about loving him so much and no you are not one bit out of line for feeling this way. My furbabies have always been a huge comfort to me, and even thought they can drive me crazy at times I don't know what I'd do without them. Today has been a horribly emotional one for some reason..well...because I'm flat worn to the born out is why...The hospice aid is coming tomorrow and I am armed with all the sanitizers and such and she has assured me it should be fine. As I don't think I can go one more day without some form of hand I am going to let her come...and I think begin checking into respite care ...I don't think I can go much farther without a break...if that is not possible I will get a sitter to come and I am getting out of here for the day...it would be worth it to be able to get out..I think my sanity depends on it...

You know Jeanette, Mama had a cat that she had for many many years...I actually cared for him later in life because she couldn't take care of him after he got injured pretty badly when a neighbor's dog got out and dealt him some fierce injuries...anyway..Mama loved that cat like you can't imagine..well, I guess you can imagine..but I had to have him put down last summer a year ago and she did not even seem to know what was going on...it was sad for sure..and I guess a blessing in some ways because she loved him so much I think she would have mourned him terribly...

I will say a prayer for your sweet pup...that is a long happy life for a sweet pup, I know he has been so happy to be with you and he knows how much he is loved....keeping you in my prayers as well..I know how difficult this is...

I damaged my cheetos also, plus some wine. My oldest pup, Poochie, had either a major stroke or a massive seizure earlier this morning. It was so strong he was crying out for 30 minutes, foamed at the mouth and wet himself. A few hours later he had another small one. No, please, he's not suffering... his little body is old and shutting down. Cap, this one you could say has terminal restlessness going on. He's been blind/deaf or well over a year now but found his way around the house perfectly aside from a few pin ball moments... can find his food and water bowl without assistance. Such an awesome independent little fellow. Never ever barked unless he was dreaming, never ate things, chewed up things... just a great little guy I found during a hurricane 18 years ago. Guess I should say he found me.

My son will be here Saturday. If Poochie makes it, I probably should put him to rest while Josh is here. My son has buried 2 other dogs we had the privileged of taking care of. My first dog, Smokie, a Black Cocker Spaniel born in North Pole Alaska died at age 16 from cancer in Florida. Poochie was still a puppy... then there was Cody a Shar Pei who died from Kidney disease. He was also born in Alaska but passed in California. My spaniel was a teenager... now, there is his sister Daphne who is 12 and Sydney who is turning 4 next month. When I think about it I am amazed how long I've had these dogs and how much they've meant to each other and especially me. I know I sound a bit silly talking about my dogs this way but.... when you have had them as long as I have, they are more than pets more than just a dog. I remember my daddy telling me there was going to be lots of tears when Poochie passed away... since they were both old and not feeling so hot, Poochie would lay next to dad in his recliner and both of them would snore... LOL my daddy was not much of a dog lover... but he loved this one. My mom used to love him, she'd bring him water in her palms... carry him around upside down worrying about him and sneak him treats... that was well over a year ago and now, well now, she has none of those emotions. I don't think she will even realize he's gone and that hurts me.

Susan, no matter what he did, it is no reflection on you. As long as he's not dead and hasn't seriously hurt anyone physically... he's ok. Even if he did something as stupid that got him put in jail, that might not be such a bad thing. He's struggling with some sort of demons that he needs to figure out. I know this since my son did something stupid and hurtful like that when he was in his early 20's, ha, I remember coming back from a weekend at Disney, been home for an hour and a swat team had surrounded our house because HE did something stupid. Let's just say his 3 years turned him into a grown man rather quickly and spent 3 years bettering himself since he wasn't left any choices. He's lived the straight and narrow ever since and became someone I am VERY proud of. Never give up hun. It takes some young men longer than others.

Haha, who knew cheetos were such an IT thing!.... maybe this should be the "Grab your Cheetos and let's have a Wine"!

Susan, come back and let us know what it going on when you're up to it. Hugs, gf.

Susan thank you.. I hope whatever is going on will work out ok..bless your heart...

Herbalizer...lol...thanks..that brought a smile to my face... I HAD Cheetos...well I do still have a few left..but I did some damage on that bag today..

I have cheetos!

Hang in there Hope. We never want you to go away, don't think that. All you can do is keep on keeping on. Mama knows you're there and that you love her. That's all that matters.

I got slammed with some major bad news tonight, so I'm going to be off here for a bit. I have things I need to process and I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around this one. All I can say right now is that my oldest son strikes again with something so incredibly hurtful and stupid on his part that I can't even believe he did it. I don't even know who he is anymore.

Mama doesn't seem to be in pain, but then again she wouldn't complain if she was...but she just seems absolutely miserable....like she is just so eternally sad...nothing I do is working, nothing I do is helping..she just seems like if she could reach out and do it she would just slap the crap out of me...she literally looks at me like she hates me...maybe I'm just really scared....again...good grief I know yall wish I'd go away.....she is doing that shallow breathing now..and I can't tell if it is a head cold or back to the stages of passing...and the hospice nurse does not seem to know either...if this keeps going the way it is I do not put a lot of faith that I will be here much longer than Mama...I have never had anything in this life start to do me in the way this is right now....

Well, I am just out of control....period...my brain function is gone. I do agree that the level of stress is doing a number on me but it is a frightening feeling to say the least..and I can only guess how this must have felt to Mama when she first started getting this way......God help me, I know I need to be more patient..I am so exhausted I don't know what I am doing anymore...I know I am preaching to the choir here and know you all are worn out as well, so forgive me because I know you all are exhausted...I'm just whining a lot more about it tonight....The roller coaster continues, the emotional ups and downs, ups and downs....I don't know how much more I can take

I know what you mean about feeling like dementia is setting in. Today I couldn't remember how many chromosomes people have. I taught that stuff for years and the information was just gone from my mind. I had to ask my phone. (How life has changed -- I used to look up information in a book. Now I ask my phone.)

Hope when you're under a lot of stress, your brain isn't acting normally. So cut yourself some slack and don't measure how your brain is operating until you're not in such a stressful life situation.

In addition I am afraid I am showing signs of dementia...sometimes it feels like I have no thoughts in my head....and it is scary..I don't know if this is from being totally worn out, or if maybe I am going to have early onset AD...a very scary thought ..

And while I know he means well, the day gets topped off with the NIGHTLY call from the brother wanting to know the details of the day...so I get to relive them all again. I didn't answer..just sent a text..it's a lot safer that way today...for him..

I am praying to God the sun comes out tomorrow or I think I am going to lose my mind. It has been almost three weeks of nothing but cloudy, murky, cold, nasty weather and on top of Mama's total emotionless blank star and not being able to have any help with anything I don't think I can take it much more...I have been working on my doctor's office correcting my depression meds script for almost two weeks now..he was supposed to write it for 20 mg and wrote it for 10, so to keep from lowering my dose I was taking 2 10 mg per day and trying to get the correct dosage from him..In other words, I have been out of meds for going on two weeks now and therefore that means they just stopped cold turkey and anyone who knows anything about prescription meds knows it is dangerous to do that. I told them today do they not remember I am totally out of meds and they are just not in a hurry. So I am in a mess...and the total stopping of the meds has almost done me in alone..on top of it is Mama's lack of any emotion, no movement, and so it hits me even harder that I am living my life so I can feed her, clean her up, pick her up and put her down, then repeat repeat repeat...All I know is if you have never had someone who is totally incapacitated and I do mean totally incapacitated it is hard at the best of times, but to be doing it now with my mind doing crazy stuff I am getting scared.....I can feel my mind going as we speak...normally I can blame myself for not starting working on it soon enough but I have actually been working on it since I picked them up last month and then upped it a notch two weeks ago when I discovered the pharmacy had still not received the corrected script..sorry I am rambling..I am a crazy person tonight

Susan:

"Personal Care
In-Home Assistants provide help with daily activities such as bathing, hair, and skin care. This service is limited to one (1) hour per week."

So IHA's provide help with "daily activities… one hour per week." It's that smooth segue from daily, to once a week. Somebody sat down and wrote that sentence with a straight face.

I congratulate that person on supreme inscrutability and recommend he considers a career in poker.

I was just about to the point of needing respite because the only other time I used it was when I spent that entire week moving a house full of stuff into a house full of stuff..so hardly any rest for me..but now with all the bugs going around I don't want to put Mama anywhere with the general population...I'm too protective of her with all these germs flying around..

Susan, bless her heart..that's what I"m talking about..so very hard to see them get this way...I do wish Mama was able to fuss at me, she just lies there and looks at me with this look she gets when she is aggravated with me..or at least that is how it feels..Mama has always been such a funny cheerful person it is killing me to see her look so sad....I think that is what gets to me the most..it's not the work, it's certainly not her, it's not even not having a personal life...right now Mama is my life and I am so thankful for every little moment with her...but it is soooo hard to see her, totally bedfast, most of the time unable to talk to me at all anymore...just a sad look most of the time...it kills me...I wish I could fix it..I just hope she is comfortable and feels loved...that is about all I can do it seems...

My mistake. I just looked at a billing they sent me. Mom gets 11 hours every two weeks. We pay 10% or $17.45 every two weeks. I can use the hours in any way I need to.

So if you only get ONE HOUR (omg) you can have someone come in for 4 whole hours a month!!

I need to call them up myself since my mother IS 24/7 care, I think I might be able to swing some actual respite in.

Our local Commission on Aging has the following on their website:

Personal Care

In-Home Assistants provide help with daily activities such as bathing, hair, and skin care. This service is limited to one (1) hour per week.

(this is what I was speaking of)

Respite Care

Available to seniors who require 24-hour care, an In-Home Assistant provides companionship, supervision, and assistance with activities of daily living, such as toileting and feeding. This service is limited to two (2) hours per week and is intended to give a family member or caregiver a chance to relax.

(Because Mom doesn't require 24-hour care just yet, we don't qualify for this. She's close, but doesn't meet their qualfifications for it - I checked. They want her to be pretty much house and/or bed-bound before they will help. She's not quite there yet.)

Homemaking

An In-Home Assistant provides help with tasks including: laundry, meal preparation, and light household cleaning. Homemaking is only available for a fee.

Home Chore

Assistance with household maintenance jobs such as: washing windows, removing and installing screens and storm windows, caulking windows and installing weather-stripping around doors, minor furniture repair, and other annual tasks as needed.

(We do have them come in and do the windows on the outside and clean the gutters)

Minor Home Repair

A Home Maintenance worker provides services which will contribute to the extended life of an owner-occupied home and help maintain minimum health and safety standards. This would include: minor roof repair, window repair, correct faulty plumbing, repair stairs, install or repair railings, and building wheelchair ramps as needed. Clients are asked to pay for the material.

Home-Delivered Meals

Home-delivered meals provides older adults with a hot meal during the noon hour. To be eligible one must; be over the age of 60, be homebound, and unable to shop or prepare own meals. A suggested donation of $2.50 for each meal provided.

Transportation

Commission on Aging offers transportation to medical appointments for Senior Citizens of the County for a fee of $4 per 20 miles. We ask for at least a 2 to 3 day notice for all transportation requests.

Dining Sites ("Food With Friends")

Offers food and fellowship. This nutritious noon meal provides one-third of the body's daily nutritional requirements. Programs, activities, and friendship are also a part of Food With Friends.

I know...that's my outlook on it too, CM. I'm not one to poo-poo the chance to get some help, but seriously...ONE HOUR.... that's not enough time to even go to the grocery store for the week's groceries. In one hour, the carer *might* be able to get mom in the shower and back out, but nothing else.

One hour..? Well don't use it all at once!

Seriously, what is one hour of personal care a week supposed to be FOR?

Jeanette, I wish our local Commission on Aging would do that for us. They allow ONE hour of personal care per week - that's it. We don't have a program that offers anything more than that.

Hope, I missed your post while I was posting mine. My grandmother (mom's mother) was so clean, neat and fastidious that we always said no self-respecting germ would live in her house - they'd all run screaming in the opposite direction! She insisted on having her hair done every week at the beauty parlor, wearing only clothes from the best boutique shop in town (small town, so that wasn't saying much, but she always looked very nice), and having a matching purse and shoes for every single outfit. Mom....not quite so extreme...but she did always shower every single day. Sometimes twice a day. And she insisted on being dressed and looking nice when she went out somewhere, and she kept a clean house. About 15 years ago, all that changed. First it was the house not being quite as clean....then the dishes not being done for days on end....then the cat litter box not being cleaned out for a week at a time (ack!)....all resulting in the house smelling and looking like a disgusting mess. Then she got to the point where she wasn't showering at all - for MONTHS - claimed she was "washing up" every day, but the smell in the house was horrible. Once Dad passed away, and I moved in, I got her on a schedule of showering at least every other day, but I tell you what, you've got it spot on, Hope. Some days the thought of throwing myself off the nearest cliff is very attractive.

Yes, it's very frustrating to see them get this way. I don't know if I'm more frustrated with the symptoms of dementia and aging (not with her, personally, though it probably sounds like it when I complain about it), or with myself for putting myself here....but in the end, the shower eventually gets accomplished - usually when I get pissed enough to put my foot down and say, "NO, Mom....you are not laying back down to nap for the 5th time today, watching a TV show, or reading a magazine until you shower!" THEN she will finally shower, but she pouts about it. Afterwards, she says she feels better and promises to "listen better" in the future. (sigh)

Ha! Ok, now here's a funny for you. She's been sitting in there for about 20 minutes after her shower, doing nothing. I've asked through the door a couple of times if she's ok, and the 2nd time, she said, "Yes, I'm just getting dressed!" - which triggered me to open the door, because her pattern is: shower, nightgown on, come out and sit down to "finish drying" and then back into the bathroom to get dressed. So I know she probably hasn't put an incontinence pad on and I need to remind her. So I open the door, and she's got the new sweatshirt I bought her on, and her underwear, and is working on putting her pants on. I ask about her incontinence pad, and she insists she put one on, then leans to the side so I can "see". Um...sorry Mom, can't see it. So then she stands up, turns around, and bends over, so I can "see" that way - and there's no pad. She seems totally shocked by this, and pulls down the underwear to look for herself. And seems even more shocked when she sees there's no pad. Looks up at me with this befuddled look on her face and says, "Well, d*mn. I wonder where it went??"

Ah, mom........

Snow? In the far South? It would be shocking, however, it did snow in North Florida last week! LOL! We have better weather here in the PNW ... if only we'd get more sunshine during the winters.

Susan. Contact your local area on aging. They will provide you a minimum of 9 hours a week. Least they do here and I'm told in FL. It's somewhat based on income... and it's a high level so your mother should qualify. 9 hours doesn't seem like a whole lot but it sure saved my sanity. My carer does all things mom. I want her doing nothing else, just doing for mom. Showers, nails, clothes, bed sheets, room, exercises, paintings, art projects and companionship. This gives me time to take care of all things ME. I think I pay a total of $35.00 a month and the State pays the rest. Seriously, you'd be pleasantly surprised just what you may actually qualify for.

CM, if I have to have mom sign anything... I take a bright yellow hi-liter color in a giant yellow box, put a big X just inside it, draw a line.... LOL, you get the point :) and no, life isn't as easy as it should be, thus the cheeto's and red wine.