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I found it. The author was Eric Berne. The game I see a lot here is "Yeah, but..." That is a game that makes sure we keep ourselves painted in the corner and is employed so often by caregivers, including myself. We cut off all our exits.
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Nope, I don't know who wrote that book. Yes, we do see a lot of games being played. One the most frequent one that I see is the 'playing the victim game' where the person just keeps offering themselves as a victim for someone's abuse. Another game that I see is "the little child game" where they think if they just show someone enough love that they will suddenly be the parent or grandparent, etc. that they never were when that person was a child. I am sure there are more games that others could list, but those are a couple that catch my eye. Maybe we should start a new thread called "The Games Caregivers Play"
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So many things we see on here have "The Games People Play" in them. Do you remember who wrote that book, cmag? I thought that book was a great one, because the games are ones we see every day. Sometimes the solutions are so simple, but the person keeps themselves painted in the corner with the things they are doing.
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You didn't miss much on his "My misery" thread. He's a 55 year old man who evidently has always been dominated by his mother since he was 15 when his dad died and I gather that he has always lived with mom who has never let him have a girlfriend.

The dude, Scott, who will not take his mental health meds nor face taking responsibility for the only things that he can change about his life is not reading the advice people give. I guess that he is going to chose to be homeless. I had hoped for better for him, but it's his choice.
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I must have missed the "roscoe" thread
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I agree Jessie..I know I'm too angry...but I think it comes from 35 years of seeing my parents be disrespected and any time I tried to stand up and defend them I was the one who got shot down. While my parents were wonderful overly forgiving folks, for me, it has honestly kind of warped me I think. I don't think it's right to allow others to disrespect our parents at any time but especially in their own home. But then again I guess if they could accept it why should it affect me so....nonetheless it has affected me, and not in a good way, but sadly now, it is way too late to change it and Mama is at a point where honestly she couldn't care less...still, it hurts to see a woman who has always been the epitome of forgiveness being disrespected, even now...I guess that is their cross to bear and all I am doing is driving myself crazy....but I do need to let it go....all it's doing is killing me..a day will come when I will not have to deal with them at all and then I will know I did all I could and they will have to live with it for the rest of their lives....ah well.....
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I am very frustrated about him also. The whine that I posted a while back was basically over my frustration with him.
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FG and Susan. I gave up on that thread after about the third page. Over and over and over.
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The main problem I see there is he doesn't want to take his medications, so I bet the family has given up. If they can't help him, I know we can't. He admits he hasn't read the messages written to him, though he does read people's boards. That was a bit odd and made me realize we need to click the private message box if we're saying something we don't want the world to read.
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Thanks for the clarification, Jessie - I started reading that one but got sidetracked.

Fligirl, I almost responded a couple of times, but to be honest, I have nothing to offer the OP on that one. I feel for the OP, but I can't deal with the constant obsessing and refusal to accept help.
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I agree with you Susan on that thread. I typed out some really rough comments and then erased them because I did not want to feel responsible for something bad happening. Barb
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No, it's the angry & frustrated thread. People gave good advice that made sense, but the windows were nailed and it was cold outside. We run into a lot of people painting themselves in the corner here. Roscoe is a great example. Most of us gave up on him long ago.

Now, for Hope I think she is too mad at the family. My brothers and their kids don't pay much attention to my mother. All I do is shrug my shoulders at it. Their relationship is between her and them. It is beyond my control. Hope, I wish you could just shrug things off more. People will drive you crazy if you take them to heart.
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Jessie, would that thread involve 300+ comments and someone who won't admit the very obvious problems they have and seek help for them?

That one is driving me insane. I just wish everyone would stop commenting on it and let this person fend for themselves....no one here can help in the way that's needed. The OP won't accept any advice given, just keeps circling back over the same topics and obsessing over them, over and over.
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No, it wasn't meant for you. It was actually talking about another thread on the board. This "whine" thread doesn't follow a set path. People come in and out posting different things relevant to themselves at the moment. You and I were posting at the same time above, so it is coincidental that your post was right before mine.
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I'm guessing the corner painting comment was meant for me. I guess I'm just tired, or too ignorant to understand how my venting applies...probably I just need to stop venting. Thanks Jessie
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VictoriaP, I know what you mean by being an only child, I also didn't have any children of my own. You and I never had the practice of trying to reason with a 3 year old, nor with a 13 year old, thus no skills to deal with a 83 year old. Plus not having siblings to learn to stand our ground, and to learn to share.

I think the bickering you are having with your Mom would be like dealing with a sibling who just moved into your home. You've always been use to being on your own [except for hubby] and you feel your space is being invaded.
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Changing direction a bit -- I don't like it when people paint themselves into a corner. When they ask for advice to get out of it, maybe you say that there's a window behind them. Just open it and get out. No, they can't do that, because it has a nail holding it closed. Okay -- you give them a hammer to pry the nail out. No, they can't do that because they might break the window and the air outside is too cold. Okay -- well, they can wait until the paint dries. So you go away for a little while, only to return to see them applying another coat of paint. I think that many people are most comfortable when they're painted in a corner.
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Well, the day came and went. After spending the entire Thanksgiving holiday with my brother's ex's family....the nephews again spent the entire day today with the same bunch of folks...and drifted up to see brother late late this afternoon, which means they went right past here, knowing how frail my Mama is. I am done making excuses for their behavior...and I am done with them....My heart hurts so much tonight for Mama I feel like I am unable to breathe....My Mama has loved these boys more than life itself...the other granny, with whom they again spent the holiday, has always criticized absolutely everything about them, from their wives, to their wives housekeeping or lack thereof, to their hair styles...Mama never did anything but love them...and they bypass her knowing in all likelihood, they will never see her again....God forgive me, but I hate them....HATE THEM.
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Don't feel awful, Victoria. I don't know many people who haven't felt like that sometimes. What matters is being there when she really needs you. And, by the way, that doesn't necessarily have to mean living with her - have you thought about other options??? :)
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My whine for today...My mom lives with me and my husband. I never had kids, I'm an only child and I was never around grandparents (one lived in Hawaii and one passed away before I was born)..I don't think that I'm very good at the whole caregiver thing. It's been about a year since she moved in and we still argue about things that most would think are stupid. My patience with her is so thin....I love her but lots of days I don't like her. I feel awful for saying that and I wish we got along better.
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My Whine Moment: My Mother is a very difficult woman. It's the verbal and emotional abuse she hands out that is so hard to ignore. EX: She wanted a Salad for dinner. I asked her what ingredients, etc. Do you want to eat at your chair or at the table? She said, "at the table". On Sunday night Dinner, we all eat where we want. Mom heard my brother say, "I'm going to my room to eat". Well, I was still finishing the kitchen duties and made Mother's place at the table with everything she would need. Got my dinner and my dog Pollis' dinner and said , "I will going to eat in my room also". She went crazy, "nobody wants to eat with me, I quess i'll be eating alone, you don't care, " etc. I reminded her this was Sunday dinner. Didn't matter. So, stupidly I sat down at the table with her. She started on me again. I excused myself and went to my room for dinner. Polli and I loved the time together. My Mom makes me so angry I could spit nails. Thanks for reading my post.
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Hope, we got to remember that boys will be boys no matter what the age :) What they think is funny, we think is immature. It's the old Mars vs Venus thing. Just grin and bear it.

As for visiting during the holidays, as Dr. Phil will say "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." You know what is going to happen, so try not to dwell on it.
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FrF....yes, I saw it...and while knowing him he probably thought it was funny, it was not to me..and I don't think my brother found it funny either. It is just heartbreaking because my brother has taken such good care of those boys and his ex was one for the books ..she was one of the rudest, most hostile, disrespectful humans I think who was ever born, and while the boys were here locally and my brother was their primary example (they were in college and so were close to him) then they were good kids...but once they both went their own ways and moved away from the area and now their mother (who btw actually LEFT them and ran off with her man of the hour) and whose main focus in life is the almighty dollar has seemingly become their role model..and a disgusting one at that. she controls where they go even though they are well into their adult years..she calls the shots and they let her, just as my brother and my mother let her..and I had to watch it all unfold...now the ugliness has come home to roost and my family is ALWAYS the one who gets left until the end of the visiting and if time has run out, we may get one of those run bys crammed in or they just don't come at all. I feel sad for my brother. He just texted me and has heard not one word from them and they are at the nephews WIFE's house...and they will spend most of their time there...we did not see them at all on Thanksgiving, even though they were local...I am disgusted by them. I wish I could tell the nephew what i thought of his actions, but I know that would just hurt my brother so I just sit here and have to suck it up...but I am so freaking sick and tired of it...it has been a lifetime of seeing my family disrespected by this ex wife's family and now the two boys have taken on this bratty snotty arrogance that is so not the way my brother raised them...what else can I do??? I have no control over them now they are grown..but I'll be danged if they disrespect me any further by just drifting in whenever...if Mama still knew them it would be different....but they let those precious years slip away while they busy being fancy a$$ big shots and all the abundance they have has been largely due to my family doing way too much for them along the way...

I agree I do NOT think FB is a good way to communicate at all..way too much room for hurt feelings...and seeing the ex wife thinking their snotty little comment was "hilarious" knowing she will get her time with them and here is my mother, who more than likely will not be here next Christmas just has to make do with whatever....It is sad...and sickening.
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Hope, I assume you saw the grandchild's post on Facebook? Good heavens, how did families communicate prior to the invention of Facebook or MySpace? How many here think it's a good way to communicate? Or it causes too much hard feelings by what relatives are writing?

I never signed up for Facebook, and don't plan to. I believe sometimes what ever is posted could be taken out of context because we aren't physically talking to that person to *read* emotions. Plus nothing is really private, even though we might think it is. My sig other finally got his daughter to take down photos of her grade school aged daughters, you never know who will copy said pictures and put them on inappropriate websites :(
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Christmas...correct me if I am wrong...but I think it was several days ago. Not one peep from either of Mama's grands but there was "talk" that they "might" be coming today. no word, no anything...just possibly. Well, maybe I'm just tired or fed up or sick and tired of spending my life waiting on brat kids who have long been adults and ought to know better, but I don't give a dang if they come or not. In fact, as I sit here, I am still in my lounging pants complete with loungy tshirt and am NOT cooking one stinking thing "in case" they show up. I have had their gifts bought since long long ago, but oh well.....I am so sick of this off these kids, and off this family...my family always had such a good loving relationship and once my brother married these kids mother, our lives were forever changed...for what reason I don't know because this was OUR home, not theirs yet my parents, especially my Mama let them run rough shod over us all my adult life. God forgive me but I hate that family. And while I have always loved my nephews, since their mother's influence has become predominately their guiding light once they moved away, they have become some of the most unthoughtful arrogant little snots I have ever seen. I saw a post by one of my nephews last night quoting a scene from the Christmas vacation movie re the whole "we're going to have a traditional famly holiday if it by God kills us" and he was saying that this was their holiday in a nutshell...since when????? I know that NO ONE in this family has ever demanded or expected anything out of them. They have always done exactly what they wanted to do and could care less whose plans it interrupted. And now they think I am going to have a christmas thing three days after Christmas...NOPE...not gonna....they can KMA. Mama doesnt seem to even recognize them anymore and so I could care less if they ever come here again. During the time she could have and would have loved to have seen them, they were too busy being arrogant spoiled adult brats whose lives were so much more important than anyone elses...and yet they expect us to roll out the red carpet whenever they drift into town. Maybe I'm harsh, but I just don't give a D*** anymore....35 years of hell is enough
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Susan, just read your itsy bitsy spider story this morning. ROFLOLOLOL. Loved it.
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Wait... what? Jessie has a boyfriend with lots of money?

hehe, guess I need to go a few pages back and catch up ;)
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I am believe me. I already know what my New Year's Resolution will be...to stand my ground.
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Those were odd things to happen, toomuch. I would have been majorly peeved.
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toomuch4me....I think I'd avoid activities with those friends in the future if it makes you that uncomfortable. It doesn't sound like it's going well. I have "friends" that only contact me when they want something (happened again today). They don't call or contact me unless they need help with their computer or something like that - then I don't exist again.

FF - I have a humorous smoke detector story. I was sound asleep one night when the smoke detector in my basement went off. Since the furnace was in the basement, I was up and out of bed RIGHT NOW and barreling down the stairs. I got down there and turned the smoke detector off, and looked (and smelled) all over the basement for smoke, flames, fumes...nothing. I had just replaced the battery in the smoke detectors all over the house the week before, so I knew it wasn't that. Back to bed.
10 minutes later, the alarm is shrieking again. Back down to the basement, same routine - turn the alarm off, check the basement - nothing - back to bed.
Repeat about 3 more times over the next hour. Now I'm freaking out. I'm a single parent alone with my kids in a house where the smoke detector - located in the creepy old basement - appears to be possessed by a spirit determined to deprive me of my much-needed sleep. Then my sleep-addled mind starts working overtime, wondering if there's someone hiding in the basement and triggering the alarm in an attempt to get me down there to do unspeakable things to me. I'm huddled in the bed pondering all of these things when the dang thing goes off AGAIN. I decide I've had it and I'm going to dismantle the stupid thing - regardless of the danger of fire. I go stomping down the stairs, *really* ticked off, but also armed with a baseball bat.
I get to the basement, open the cover on the smoke detector to remove the battery, and what do I find? A wee little spider, busily spinning his wee little web inside the smoke detector. Every time he runs across the sensor at just the right angle, he sets off the alarm.

Spider - dead. Smoke Detector - re-assembled. Me - finally sleeping.
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