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Hope you don't know that all your efforts mean nothing to her. She may not seems to be aware but inside her head she may be reaching out. Once when i was bleeding and going into unconsciousness and could not communicate. I kept saying in my head Tell M (my husband) over and over again till I finally lost consciousness. My point is that you don't know what Mama is saying in her head.
Don't try too hard just be yourself be the person your Mama loves and appreciates all the effort of caring for her.
Don't hide from her that you are tired and need a break.
Explain the respite honestly. You know she will be taken care of professionally and she will be returned to you safe and sound. Many hugs dear Hope.
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And one thought that does hit me, one fo the definite positives that is coming out of this is that my brother and I are finally getting back on track, really close the way we used to be....that means an awful lot to me...maybe it does to Mama as well....I am thankful for that....
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Thanks Jeannette :). I am trying but I am really understanding a lot more when I remember older folks when I was a little girl talking about this person or that one being better off when they left. And you are right, it is going to be so hard when I lose her...but this is hard as well. And again, it does indeed all depend on whose outlook on which day and so on and so forth....Reading CM's comment, the SIL who thinks you can make someone happy if you try hard enough.......all I can say is....NO YOU CAN'T......not with this disease....I have always leaned towards being kind of pollyanna"ish" in my thinking of believing if I did enough it would make a difference...well, I put on my "do as much as I can as well as I can do it and if you really do it will make a difference" britches and guess what....it does not work. I have tried, and tried and tried...I have hauled out the holly , trimmed the house, made the goodies, all of it knowing she could not even eat them, but just hoping if she saw and heard me "enjoying Christmas" then she would be happy...didn't work...I even fixed Christmas cards and wrapped gifts sitting next to her using the little roll away table we use and guess what...didn't matter.....meanwhile, I just keep getting puffier and puffier and my hair keeps falling out and I know she cannot go on forever in this state and yet I don't want to lose her but she looks so unhappy, in spite of my best efforts, my best jokes, best show tunes, best everything...none of it seems to make one bit of difference...all I can hope is that somewhere way back where I can't see it it does matter to her....I just can't see it....

Yes, I am thankful for my brother...he actually went to the mall and picked out some things for me that he knows I love and they were specifically picked out FOR me BY him...and that really meant a LOT to me...so much more than he will ever know...but I let him know it anyway...

Anyway, I'm still here, and even though I am almost afraid to do it, I think I am going to do the respite thing again as soon as they can arrange it so I can try to pull myself back together. The last and only time I have done it I was running the whole time moving my home and so didn't get any rest then...so this time maybe I can actually have a little down time. I love her, but I think I need to do it before this does me in....also she can probably use the break from me....
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CM I think you need to take Mums mood home, give it a good wash in some Woolite and hang it in the fresh air to dry so you can return it all nice and fluffy. Glad she is holding her own. Hugs
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Ladee M you should have looked her straight in the eye and said "What are you nuts?"
Time to take a few Sunday nights off! Once school is back in that is.
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LadeeM, I thought I was giving some pretty lame presents this year. Your client's family has just made me look good. I am… sort of… grateful??? But I don't think you need to be - here are best, best wishes for a good 2015 for you instead. How are you doing?
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hey hope! I am so SO happy to hear from you! Stop being so hard on yourself sweetie, you are doing your best and... I personally and very proud of you for hanging on this long. You are much stronger than you think you are. Tell me, what would you consider worse. A parent who non stop talks smack to the tv (sundowners) for hours and you are no longer able to watch an entire show or the silence? Either way it is hard. One has an edge over the other but it all depends on what day it is and who's edge. It sucks no matter what and I am inclined to believe it might suck worse when they leave us. (((hugs))) Kudos to your brother :) at least he came by bearing gifts and kind words. Mine stopped by and said they'd be back on Christmas with a turkey. Mind you, I was FINE spending it with mom n the puppies... they didn't show up nor did they call. Something I said or did must have upset them and it left me with the feeling of the "other shoe" is about to fall.

Susan, at least you spent it towards something you'd enjoy! and and... you get a cabin to yourself? So jealous :/ man, this makes me really want to find a way to get an entire weekend away at a cabin alongside the river. Just me n by big pibble and my fishing pole.

Fresh pnuts sounds pretty tasty right this moment :)
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My whine moment is actually a hangover from yesterday evening. Lovely SIL, the psychiatrist, was advising me about mother and said "...and we just need to make sure her mood doesn't dip…"

She was being so sweet, but I did wig out a bit at that. How on earth am I supposed to do that, for heaven's sake? She's hemiplegic, she can't see out of her left eye, she can't even have a drink of water unless it's got gloop in it - what exactly am I supposed to say that is going to perk her right up, then, eh?

But that is this SIL all over - convinced that if you try hard enough and you work hard enough and you sacrifice enough you can make people happy. In spite of repeated experiments with her own mother. She is a loving, sweet woman and I'm sorry I snapped at her.
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I did end up spending *some* of the money on me. I used part of it to make a partial payment on the cabin I'm renting when I visit my son in January. I'm only able to stay over the weekend, but at least it's something. So even if it wasn't a tangible "thing" I bought myself, it was definitely something for me. I realized the payment on that was due this weekend, and thought, "Well, there ya go..."
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Susan, did your client include a note saying "You're a star! - buy something useful for your mother xxx"?

No. Didn't think so. Buy something nice for you. If they'd thought you were going to spend it on chair pads they'd probably have kept it in their petty cash box and not bothered.

PS Get something you actually want, rather than just looking out for something to spend the money on. The more upmarket, better-made version of something I was going to buy anyway works for me.
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Ya H2H, so was I !!!!!
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That's really unbelievable Ladee... I'm speechless...
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Just had to share what the family I work for gave me for Christmas.... a zippy bag with fresh pnuts !!!! UH HUH........ I am rarely rendered speechless, but truly did not know what to say..... and I know the look on my face was a Kodak moment.... soooooo, Merry F;n Christmas to me.... and yes, I am whining...
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Hope, we're always happy to hear from you - and we all have our various complaints or whines, don't worry about that. Some days I feel like I have more whines than I should post, other days not so much. Just depends on the day.

Hang in there. We're here for you. :-)
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meant caregiving "aging" us..not again us....I am loopy
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Well, the holidays have come and gone. And that's about all I have to say about that...I think the dementia is finally settling in big time on my Mama and she rarely speaks anymore..just likes here and stares at me. stares, stares, stares...it is heartbreaking. It has been so long since I have commented on here because I feel like I whine so much most folks don't need to hear my complaints, which I don't mean to be complaints but which sound that way nonetheless. I guess now is when I am going to get a good dose of what it is truly like to be a caregiver for someone who is not only totally bedfast (going on over a year now) but also now pretty much non conversive...Mama has always been such a lively and sweet lady, I am not meaning this as complaining about her at all...it is just so totally mind numbing to see her this way....I noticed a lot of comments about caregiving again us...oh wow, I don't need to even go there. I have always been one of those whom everyone thought I was ten or more years younger than I actually am..NOW however, I look at least ten years older...Looking at the last decent pic I had just before all this started, I look more like that persons mother or grandmother than I do that person....

On a happy note, my brother came and he and I enjoyed a few hours on Christmas Eve, he also brought me a very nice present this year and told me how much he appreciated everything I was doing for Mama so that was a really positive thing to hear for me...It is so hard to express myself when I don't want to lose Mama, but I want her to be happy and enjoy her life....seeing her the way she is it is so hard to tell if she is happy, sad, mad, you name it...no emotion, just blank staring..and yet her physical health is apparently excellent....as hard as I knew it would be, it is now gut wrenching to see someone I love so much be captive to a monstrous mental infirmity from which she cannot be brought back....

and so now the holidays move into those barren winter months....and the clock just keeps on ticking....
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Sometimes I wonder why my parents think the way they do... both are still sharp, but Dad has some short term memory issues but its workable.

This Monday I will be taking my parents back for a second meeting with the Elder Law attorney to update their Will, Trust, POA's, etc. Dad had a ton of homework to do for this meeting.

Yesterday Dad said that his previous attorney will be mad at them. Me: mad at you for what reason? Dad: for changing attorneys. Me: your previous attorney was your real estate attorney so why would he be mad that you are going to an Elder Law attorney? Dad: because we aren't using him. Me: Dad he probably doesn't even remember who you are, you hadn't seen him in over a decade, plus he probably retired.

My Dad never knew that there was a specialty of *Elder Law*. I am just so relieved that my Dad likes this Attorney because the Attorney is a [ahem] woman. My parents are very old school, they think women can't be doctors, lawyers, CPA's, Mayors/Senators, etc. But there are times I think my Dad wants to go back to his previous attorney.
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Litdogtoo, I had to smile when I read "they don't realize Christmas comes on the 25th".... that sounds so much like my sig other's grown daughter.... here he and I make an effort to get all their gifts to them days before the 25th [they lived out-of-state].... but not her, she waits until two days before Christmas to mail us our gifts paying mega bucks for overnight delivery... sometimes the cost of mailing is more than what the gift is worth. That in itself rattles my sig other as he feels that is such a waste of money, thus he doesn't enjoy the gift at all :(
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@freq flyer - You wrote: "Whomever said that 60's is the new 50's, or 50's is the new 40's, that person never had been a Caregiver :P"

Ah, but look at the good side, they will be called to do so or will become victims of having to be cared for. My 'children' tell me they're busy, don't want to see nana 'like that'. One is in another country for Christmas, but is afraid to fly (that's a good one) and the list goes on. The youngest has her M(F)IL coming up and she owes them big because they are caring for her babies while she has to work. So, I visit my mother, bringing the 'gifts' they send, telling her we'll call them. Gift's come late because they don't realize Christmas comes on the 25th of each year. One wonders what would have happened had Santa not come each and every Christmas.

I wheel her outside so she can feel the sun on her face and smell some fresh air. She's happy with so little whereas many of us need so much.

I once Googled the number of adult children who keep in touch with their parents/grandparents, and some of the anecdotal figures were as high as 50%.

@Captain - don't feel bad about your sons not calling--those who don't call their parents probably don't deserve them. I never got along with my mother, and in many ways, still don't, but I always called her and felt the duty to care for her.
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I know what you mean. I look 10 years older and feel 20 years older than I did when I moved in with my parents 5 years ago.
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JeanetteB, I know exactly what you mean about aging.... I use to pride myself with looking years younger than my age, and wham when I got cancer that had put some years on me, but nothing has aged me more than dealing with my parents and all that stress.

Whomever said that 60's is the new 50's, or 50's is the new 40's, that person never had been a Caregiver :P
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Thanks Jeanette -

I *could* take the money from the bonuses and spend some on myself, but I think my overdeveloped sense of responsibility would be driving me nuts if I did. I know Mom needs more bed/chair pads and can't afford to pay for them out of her own income, so that's where the gift card will go. At least that will keep me from having to put bath towels and a trash bag on the chair while I'm washing the pads we have. It will give a little more space in the rotation of pads.

I've always said I refuse to have a Hoyer lift in the house, because I don't want to accidentally hurt Mom with one of those. And it's a catch-22 in a way - I couldn't afford to get one of those and Mom doesn't qualify for Medicaid - and the state agency that helps keep people in their home by modifying the home for their needs won't help UNTIL you qualify for Medicaid. So they would pay for a Hoyer lift, but since Mom doesn't qualify for Medicaid, it's a moot point.

No, nothing in Depends will fit her - there are bariatric sized undergarments, but they're all too short to cover her backside. When I get a chance, I thought about stopping by the local nursing home to see what they suggest I use - maybe they know about some and where I could get them.

Your poor mom - feeling like she needs to argue with the tv all the time. I can't blame you for the headphones, Jeanette - I use mine when I need to be able to focus and can't, because I'm listening to the TV, Mom sucking on her teeth and all the other noise. It's the only way to escape.
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It sure does suck to be an adult at times!! Susan, congrats on the well earned bonuses! Can't you take half of your bonus money and buy/do something nice for YOU? Like you said, it's money you didn't have...

Would one of those "lift" things be of any help to you with lifting your mother?... somehow I think it's going to be a lot sooner than you realize. I take it you weren't able to locate depends in her size either... those would really be of help to you. someone was telling me that disposable chucks have been used as depends in larger patients. Not sure if you could devise a pattern that would work and be comfortable for you mom. Maybe if she were to wear a slip on loose fitting dress of sorts over the altered chucks?... just tossing around some idea's.

My mother has been arguing with the TV for hours now. I was hoping for a quiet night of movies, but... not happening. Started 2 good movies and had to stop both of them, finally put on a Tinkerbell cartoon... turned that off as well when she started arguing with Tink that she was trying to kill her. Turned it to the 60's music channel. If that doesn't work I'm turning it all OFF and putting my headphones on. Now this... would drive you NUTS!

Anyone heard from our sweet little friend hope?
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My whyne moment for today probably should not be posted. However, it has to do with people not ________ (you fill in the blank) and not taking responsibility for those few that they can do something about without continuing to beat their on the walls of things they do nothing about which is only creating even more drama, stress, and pain!!!!!!! I guess that I need to go to bed for tomorrow is another day! Good night!
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Had a wonderful surprise from two of my clients today - one sent a large cash bonus, and the other sent a $50 Amazon gift card. I was thrilled, until I realized that I probably need to use that $50 gift card to buy more washable bed/chair pads for Mom....and the $250 should probably go to pay bills. Thankful for the nice bonuses - money I wouldn't have had otherwise - but annoyed because I need to do the "right thing" with it and take care of things that aren't so fun. Sucks to be an adult sometimes, doesn't it. LOL

Mom has a grand total of 4 of those chair/bed pads and it's simply not enough. I can't keep them washed up fast enough to keep up with her. Tonight she kept refusing to get up and go to the bathroom. When I finally got her to get out of her chair, she headed straight for the bed. I told her to hit the bathroom first, but she moaned and groaned about how tired she was and continued to the bed, saying she'd be up in 2 minutes anyway, she'd go then - that she didn't have to go now. Ok...1) If you're going to be up in 2 minutes, why even lay down?!? ... 2) Know why she didn't have to go? Because she peed all over the chair pad already. ... and that "I'll be up in 2 minutes"? That was over an hour ago. Her mobility is steadily decreasing, because she simply won't get up and move when she should, and just sits all day. I make her get up and walk around several times a day, but some days, I'm just so tired of fighting her on this. She finally just woke back up and I headed her straight to the bathroom. Then we had "the talk" AGAIN - about how she needs to go to the bathroom when I ask her to - that I'm not doing this to be bossy or mean, but it's for her own good.

I need to get things in order for the attorney this week so that the house, will and all other info is up-to-date and the Ladybird deed is in place. Every time Mom has a day like this where she proves just how far she has declined, I remind myself that the day is coming, sooner rather than later, when I won't be able to care for her anymore. With her mobility declining, it's not going to be much longer (1 year? 2, maybe?) before I can't take care of her, because she won't be able to walk, and I won't be able to lift her. I'm dreading that day, but I need to be realistic about it and prepare for it.
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Caregiving most certainly ages you...lots. I'm afraid even a facial isn't going to erase some of these lines I have achieved in the past two years.

I have been filling a 5 gallon bucket with change since I arrived here 2 years 2 months and 8 days ago. Hopefully when all is said and done here, I will have saved enough for a quick trip to the plastic surgeon for one of those new rejuvenating face lifts. First step towards whatever is left of my life.
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When it comes to caregiving, I really wish people wouldn't assume that everyone has siblings who could help [many of us are only children]....

or assume that we ourselves have children that can help [some of us were never blessed with children]....

or assume that we have relatives who live nearby who can help [some of us don't have relatives that live in the same city much less the same State or even on the same coast line or even in the same County].....

or assume we have neighbors or friends who can help [I can't ask my neighbors or friends to help care for MY parents]....

or assume we can call our church to help out [not everyone is religious and belongs to a church/temple].
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i never heard anything from my sons today . i dont care . while they party im engineering a root cellar and a bedroom on the side of my bunker . old dad is a stick in the mud - no wait , those are footers in the mud , whats this ? block walls ? shelves ? enough canned food to sustain the red army ? an income producing spare room ? chrism's ASS , my brain never rests ..
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CM, I'm so proud of you! One of the nurses at my mom's SNF recently asked if mom and I are sisters. Mom is 91, I'm 61 and I should add that my mom still has beautiful skin. I chose to take this as a compliment to my mom. But I got a facial the next week, just to be safe!
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I got a good lesson in not taking offence where it isn't intended today. Lunch at my sister's house (lots of history between us. She's never been my biggest fan and it was mutual. But we're doing our best and getting somewhere, and I expect we're both having to sweat blood for it) and her husband's elderly aunt was with us. She's a very sweet lady in her seventies or eighties, garrulous but warm-hearted; and making conversation with my niece, she asked which of us was the older, me or my sister. My niece explained that my sister was, and her great aunt then went on at some length about how astonished she was to hear that, she would have thought my sister was much younger, surely it couldn't be, etc etc etc.

Excuse me??? I was sitting right there, in her plain view! So what could I do but see the funny side - but in any case the comforting thought was that the aunt meant to pay a compliment to my sister, she wasn't setting out to be rude to me. As a matter of plain fact I am eight years younger, too, it's not even close. Ah well. That's lack of sleep and caregiving for you. I am a crone before my time, apparently.

P.S. I weigh about twenty five pounds less and she has cellulite. Ha!
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