This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Shawna, it seems to me you are the only one who can handle your mother well. Maybe next time, if you feel a bad atmosphere, you can go away with your mother and let your sisters be nervous by themselves.
Peg of San Diego: I smiled thinking of your mother the great gambler. Anything makes them happy., is okay. If you had time to relax, so much the better!
Jam why don't you take your chihuahua with you!
Bye to everyone else. I am fed up with my life and tired of my problems! I hope happier times will arrive.
Mis – let us know what the doc says –hope you get some cues about what is happening – hope the colds are getting better -you handled the tree thing well –burping contest – my kids used to have those
Ladee – sorry Marie is back in b*tchland – u gotta do that is good for u – a lecture on noodles –sounds like my mother – any excuse is good enough to get upset –yeah we are all powerless over so many things –especially the bad ones - need to keep our energy for the things we can change which are probably less than we think - passive- aggressive I have – less and less patience with that all the time –good luck with making a decision
Jam u r lucky to have that dentist – hope u have a great vacation – sounds like u have the help for the col all lined up –having trouble getting my own walks in –a little fibro flare-up so quiet right now but should be able to get in another 40-50 mins. in the next few days –why not run in a field of daisies or even clover - chase horses or wild turkeys –did me a world of good –G is still with the horses – he starts up 24/7 at camp tomorrow for a couple of weeks and then starts the new job Oct 10 and will be home for suppers so I will have to start cooking then again –that’s ok
Carol – your post kept coming to mind – Hopefully mum will go back to Day care soon. Maybe ask her doctor when. I think acceptance of powerlessness does not come easily. Many of us have “fixer” tendencies - think it may come with the caregiver personality. That makes it harder to accept powerlessness as we want to fix whatever it is. Life will tell/show us that many things are beyond our power to change. The old serenity prayer is a good one – “God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference” The hardest part of that is the wisdom part. By not accepting the unchangeable you put stress of yourself. Take a deep breath and see if you can let some of it go – the unchangeable stuff. Look at some of the changeable stuff – and see if you can find some solutions that work better for you. You may not know what is changeable and what isn’t for some things, until you try making changes. Good luck!
SDPeg – sounds like u r working some things through and so is ur mum. Awesome!!! So glad she changed the picture and ate with u. Jam’s idea sounds great –get a machine for yourself. As far as the hero bro goes – he is the problem u r not. I wouldn’t even bother trying to figure out what he means - Hope u do well on those tests and u make time to run through the daisies – like stopping and smelling the roses – 66 years in love –had an aunt and uncle like that - beautiful to see
Ros – hope u write that book and don’t have to work too hard on the translations –sorry u r fed up with ur life And tired of ur problems but understand it ((((((((hugs)))))) you need a break
Asg – prob most of us have a few extra lbs – I could never diet like that –I could put on weight looking at a picture of food – put me on a desert island with a group of people and no food and I will be the last one to die of starvation – and I don’t mean cannibalism – my metabolism just ramps down – can you suggest that aunt see another doc – glad u r taking some breaks with hubby
Stormy – lil red is a going concern – a little harder when u r an older mum –my daughter is 46 with 2 very active children -6 and 8 – she is relieved they both r in school now. What a horrible experience with dad and the meat loaf - very scary -my mouth is doing pretty well thx
Burned – (((((((hugs))))) sounds like u r having a very tough time is there a counsellor in town u can see?
Kaye – welcome – may be time to consider a move to an ALF for your mum – these transitional are not easy - Whoa - the schizophrenic son and the aunt need help too – that is a lot. Hiring professionals is a good way to go. Come back and let us know how u r doing
Vic – hi hope u r less tired – and dad is doing reasonably well
Spaz -soooo glad you stayed home and didn’t play the games – I have decided I will act when I KNOW there is an emergency – too many “cry wolf”s going on. Even if u r wrong the staff at the NH are there to help – that is what they r paid for. Good to go out for a meal and talk. Let us know what u find about detachment. It is a life saver. Glad your bro does it – proud of you for looking after you too – keep it up the sky does not fall in and they manage fine
Shawna – sorry u had more cr*p from relatives – sound like she is just shooting her mouth off – you manage so well with the resources you have –have to have that doublespeak on top of it when you need people you can rely on = u will get that driver’s license –if you get a car with someone = put the agreement in writing – who gets it when – hope u r feeling better and vent away
The irrepressible toonie wants his supper and is bugging me – something he is good at - yelling at me now
Up to 84 here today and cooling now – hope to get out for a walk soon
take care all including those I haven't mentioned
Love, hugs and prayers♥♥♥
jo
Dad has been ok. He worked hard with physical therapists on Friday .. Slept half of Saturday away.. Had an ok day on Sunday. We are supposed to stretch and exercise..he just didnt feel like it. Hopefully today we are able.
Jam..vaca!! Woohoo ... Exciting.
Shawna, hope mom is not so sad today and that you two can have a happy day.
Love and prayers to all, Vic
Stopped by my favorite aunt's house yesterday and it was like seeing and listsening to my mom all over again. Kathy was really amazed. Could have been twins, but they were 6 years apart. The only 3 left are 86, 89, almost 92. My fingers are too big for this little notepad thingy, so I am closing for now. Don't think I have forgotten you............no way......love to all of you.......take care.........we leave here Wed......should be checking in on Thurs.....bye for now.....
Home Health Services is suppose to be here ; came by on Saturday to evaluate my Mother; I just want someone to bath her as she has given up taking a showere or bath. That is disgusting to me. She takes a sponge bath ;not sure that is too good. Forget being up as now she is back in the bed. No interest in anything but herself and hollering for me to take her to the bathroom when the porta-potty is right by the bed. Says she is depressed because her knee is bad. Oh why can't I just let all this roll off of me. Well back to this glorious day the Lord has made. Hope all of you have good one. Carol
I say to myself: "Aaargh"
(((((Hugs)))))
jo
my AC died today.... and God it is hot in here.... my poor cat... she is too old for this heat....Vic, you should appreciate this, I have been asking my son to fix the screen door for two months... the Diva is an inside cat, so in order to open up this hell hole today, you would not believe how much duct tape I used on the screen!!!!!! It is so ugly, oh and part of a shoe box.... I am straight up trailer trash for sure now.... just need an old car that doesn't run, or a refigerator that doesn't work, and I can go on welfare, stop working and just chill...... set outside and smoke, wave at the cars passing by, and just read or nap.... yeah uh huh, that was my dream of what I would be doing at 61,,,,,NOT... hope I catch a break here soon, but am making some plans and trying to move forward....
someone stole the grumpy Marie and left a sorta kinda nice person there today.... I trust her as far as I can throw her,,,, if I let my gaurd down, she will blast me...
Sonny and I watched a squirrel today for about 45 minutes, it's as if he knew we were watching him and he was so silly... Sonny really enjoyed himself... he always relaxes when we are outside....
well hope everyone checks in , let us know if you had a aaaargh day or not..... God it is hot in here..... hugs across the miles to ya'll.
The season is not changing here yet, we are tired of the heat, and everyone everywhere is just tired, period...... so let's just at least hug each other today, I know it makes my day go so much better when I know you all are out there.....
Love you all, and hugs across the miles to everyone.....
Her weight is dropping because she doesn't eat. I gave her an Ensure last night, she hid it in the bathroom vanity.
I emailed her doc for an appt this week opposed to a couple of weeks from now.
I know to be patient while the paxil kicks in (been 3 weeks today that she has been taking it) but I'm not so patient this morning. Hopefully doc can see her before brother sweeps into town. I hear he is "site seeing" just a few miles north of here but hasn't even called my Mom to tell her he is coming. The surprise will shock her. He did this a few years ago and she said she hated surprises like this. But that's who he is.
I just want her healthy and whatever it takes to do that. But I am realistic and everything indicates that she doesn't want to any longer. And also I know the pattern of grieving spouses and although it has been just over one year, I do suspect she really wants to be with my Dad more than she wants to be here anymore.
So how am I doing today? Mixed emotions but at least I know where to express them rather than keeping them in and driving myself crazy thinking I am alone. Because of my friends here, I know I am not.
Thanks!!!
Peg there isn't much you can do to make them eat if they don't want. Like Ros said maybe enticing her with some of her favorite foods even if it IS Junk food. I am lucky i dont have that problem lol my problem is the opposite all she wants to do IS eat ...but have to budget and manage it so it doesn't send her blood sugar sky high.
sdpeg - I had to entice Grandma with her favorite foods and did the ensure thing. She liked the chocalate milk shake kind and just told her it was chocalate milk. It worked for a while. It's been 8 yrs since Grandma lost Grandpa and she's still not over losing him. I don't think a spouse ever gets losing one. We lost my dad when I was 3 and my mom never did get over losing him until the day she passed on over 10yrs ago.
So we took grandma to the doctor this morning. The nurse asked us what was going on and we told her the details. While I'm taking grandma to the bathroom she tells my husband that he's her comfort zone. So then we wait for the doctor to come and we talk to him in another room. Grandma was taking 25 mg of Zoloft so he up it to 50 mg. I asked him if this would also help her hearing things that aren't there like another cat in the house and the her wanting to hit me. He said it would. I'm thinking to myself this is a bunch of BS. I don't like her doctor anyways. In fact none of these docs in this town isn't very good. So we'll see if this works.
The colors are changing here in Michigan and it's starting to get chilly at night. Lows for Friday night is suppose to be 31. Time to get the fireplace cleaned out and ready to go. Last winter we actually roasted hot dogs over the fire. Pretty cool since there was snow on the ground. This year we might try to make smores.
Hope everyone has a good afternoon and night.
Ladee I think we are reaching the bottom low.... I hope you can go away for the weekend so you relax a little bit. I have huge problems with my work and the future is kind of scaring me!
Peg of San Diego... I a sorry your mom continues not to eat. Perhaps next visit the doctor will give you some good advice.
Hi Vic and Jo!
vic - hope dad is cooperating with the exercises and u r not too tired
SDPeg - hard to watch someone self-destruct but not a whole lot u can do about it - never mind ur bro - u r doing a great job with ur mum. One aunt and uncle were in love for over 60 yrs. he used to bicycle and fell off and broke his hip - was put in a home to recover and they had to put my aunt in another one -she could not cope without him. I don't remember which one went first - within 3 months they both were gone - and they were old but pretty healthy before the accident - living in their house - they just couldn't live without one another. Not the happiest story for u I know, but i see u r wrestling with that in ur mum. (((((hugs)))))
Shawna -glad u r having a good day - u sound very resourceful with your menu's. and having to watch mum's blood sugar too. i have been there with 3 little kids when ketchup was food.
mis - getting cold here too. - i would not be happy with the doc either - in fact sometimes these new antidepressants like zoloft can cause violent behaviour so watch to see if it gets worse -not wanting to alarm u but it can happen, even if not often. Can u get grandma to a another doctor preferably a geriatric one for an evaluation. Yes about time to light up the fire here too - love a fire in the cold weather.
stormy -what a relief - they both sound good and the pulmonologist is doing exactly what I would want done if it were my dad. You must be so relieved -he actually makes sense!!! - don't think it hurts to say thanks - I think it is worse to not know and get the run around from a bad doc than have a decent doctor even if the news is not what u want to hear -on the other hand remember the tests (scan, MRI? can't remember) sometime back - the doc said there was nothing suspicious -so don't borrow trouble -it comes to us all soon enough
hi to everyone else -let us know how u r
doing pretty well here - got out today and finished my 150 mins for the week with a day to spare -wrote up lists for dd, and dd and me, and just me to do. Will go over there tomorrow and go through them with her. Seem to have some energy for a change. :) Pipeline construction crew near highway let some of the horses out and nearly caused an accident - said they put them back in but they were out again. - phone calls came here - Gary was down south roofing a barn - so he is on his way to see what's happening - the RCMP put them in the second time - some fur and feathers going to be flying there!!! Prayers for safety and no more escapees. Seems many have no regard for the fences - hunters on ATVs plow through them, , escaped work horse lean on the fences and knock them down, (we went down in the winter in the evening those times and fenced by moonlight), drunken drivers plow through them too - he lost 2 horses that time, the road crews fell trees and leave the fences knocked down, the pipeline crews open gates or cut fences and so on, The RCMP don't follow up on that stuff much - just if there are complaints about horses loose they call G - he is pretty fed up.
Hope y'all have a good evening and night
love, hugs and prayers♥♥♥
jo
wiah u could get a break - know that you need one
hugs u and to the pets
(((((((hugs)))))))
I am tired tonight but a good tired I guess. We had some very caring medical personnel that enabled me to express my concern and worries and they reassured me that they were all on my team and we together will fight for my mom.
Yes Jo in my head I know many couples that fit that description you mentioned while in my heart, I hate to lose my mom as well. And also I really appreciate you shared that story because it puts things in the proper perspective ... true love belongs together.
Shawna: maybe you could post some (more) menus/recipes especially closer to the holidays. I love trying new things.
Thanks all for the kindest words of encouragement and hugs and support.
Good night!!!
Peg
Pork Chops and Corn Dressing
One box of Saltine Crackers
2 cans cream corn
2 cans whole kernel corn
one large onion
half cup milk
pork chops
poultry seasoning to your taste
Preheat oven to 350
mix all together DO NOT DRAIN cans of Corn
mash crackers to tiny bits
lay pork chops on top cook till pork chops are done
a good side dish to Pork chops and corn dressing is Sour Cream Salad
Cucumber & Onions
sour cream
vinegar (to your taste)
Ros hope you feel the prayers coming your way..thinking about you and wish I could give you a hug.
Sdpeg, so glad you were able to get mom to doc to get her checked out. Sadness and depression can caused soo many problems. Glad your mom had a light bulb moment. Hope the light stays on for awhile! How us kids worry for our parents and loved ones. Pray your day is better. How were your exams?
Shawna..love the recipe! Have one similar but with potatos instead of corn. Sounds yum! Hope you can get allergy meds soon..arghh allergies drive me crazy.
Stormy..yeppers! So glad you are getting some answers and help..will be a relief to know your dad will be cared for even if the prognosis isn't good at least he will be comfortable.
Emjo..yay for lists! Now to get them checked off! Haha! sorry about horses hope they all are accounted for.
Jam must be having a blast! Starri..and Seeme too! ASG and Pegly ..hope all is
well.
Dad had a workout yesterday with the therapists..he is a little more limber! He had a decent night much more calm. As for me..well my body hurts muscles screwed up everywhere..emotionally I am good. Hubs is coming home today! Yippee!
Ladee..hope yesterday was ok and that today is better, you are in my thoughts..
So glad all of you are here, it really makes a difference in my days!
Stormy I am so so glad you are finally getting the answers you wanted and needed. I hate when Doctors are like that ... its why I love mom's doctor he talks to me and answers me when I ask about things. The ER doctor that looked after her last winter I wouldn't give two cents to. It's called LOOK at their records ya know .. jeesh. I have to get my stuff together this week to go to the veterans center to see if they can help me figure out what they can do to help mom get more help as we are barely making it by during the winter months. Summer months we are good winter months hit and its hellacious on the finance area as the heating bill goes up. Even with heap its not easy. ... maybe hopefully my business will pick up a lot and I'll be able to put money aside for the heating bills.. who knows...