This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I look forward to seeing more recipes, Shawna.
Over this past weekend I used the crock pot to free up time to do this and that and this is what I put into it:
Roast beef (I usually use rump or round roast)
potatoes
carrots
green pepper
onion
sprinkle: package of dry spaghetti sauce
I usually leave it in on low for all day but slept in and left it in on high until dinner time. I have used this recipe for years and so has my mom. Unfortunately she didn't feel like eating any of it (that was her toughest day) and so leftovers are still in the refrigerator. Perhaps I will freeze them for another time.
Thanks for all the sharing. I am blessed with my friends in this group.
Have a gorgeous day!!!
Shawna - I can so relate. We heat with fuel oil and that stuff is expensive. Especially with gas being over $3 a gallon it's always higher. We really try and watch out budget during the winter.
We just put in new insulation so I'm hoping that it'll cut our heating bills.
With all of these recipes everyone is putting up. I'm going to have to try them and see if Grandma will like them.
Well after almost 2 months waiting to hear from a specialist to schedule an appointment. I finally get to go and see one next week. I've been having problems with my leg where they took the veins out and placed them in my heart. I'm still working though but I'm taking the day off when I go have this emg test done cause I don't know what it details and my job requires me to walk alot.
Vic, happy to hear dad is doing better, and why are you aching so???
Shawna, are there any agencies in your town that can help... girl, I can not tell you how many times I have been on food stamps in my life... only did it because I had to, but they were a literal life saver.... and surley you could get some help with your heating bills.....Our winters are not bad so or bills go down in the winter, it is summer that kills us....
SDPeg, is your mom alone during the day? Maybe there is a church orginaizaiton or something of that nature that would at least come in a visit with her during the day while you are at school....I would think if she were already depressed, too much time alone isn't helping.... but glad she may be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel..... let us know how she is doing... and good job on the tests, even if one did not meet your expectations, you get the gold star for doing what you are doing.... no way would I go back to school, unless it was clown school, now THAT I would love.....
Mis, glad to see you posting more, we miss you when you are not here......
emjo, is G back yet? did you get to spend any time with him before he has to leave again before starting his new job... hope the horses are ok...
Jam and Seeme, sure hope to hear from ya'll soon....
Marie has sure been "a good girl" this week, she will start to snap and you can see her regrouping, hmmm wonder if her daughter talked with her??? And Sonny and I have a squirell that comes to visit everyday now.... at one poing today Sonny said he sure wished he had a firecracker to throw, now that would be funny..... oh, always the little boy, regardless how old they get....
Starri, where are you??????? taking a nap I bet.... lol...
check back later... love ya'll
She told me how busy she has been with her daughter (pushing 30) who had out patient sinus surgery months ago and who shacks up with a boyfriend.
Sick of this life.
Seemeride: glad you are safe and zzzzzzzzz ok, well, catch ya later! Sweet dreams
Peg of SD: if your mother's tests are normal, this is a good new! Maybe for her, what she eats is enough. But I am happy you have doctors who support you anyway.
Shawna, it is normal that our siblings don't realize how much money it takes to keep an old sick relative comfortable! It's not their problem, why should they know that our old sick relatives are high maintenance.
Mismiley; I wish you a good luck with your health!
Annecurrey: our siblings have always good excuses for dieappearing from our life and neglecting their parents! They are always busy, they have more problems than we have... Old story!
Seeme, Hi!
Vic, thanks for your prayers. They are very needed. I have HUGE problems with my work and if it goes on like this I shall have to find another one. Which is not easy at 54. And I am worried for winter heating, too!
Mismiley: our health is important and I pray yours gets better so that you have quality of life and enjoy it. I know I enjoy hearing from you.
Anncurrey: siblings...ugh! That's all I have to say about that as I send you hugs as I totally understand.
Vic: it is always a pleasure to read your posts.
Jo: out here where I live there are horses (and other animals) and so when I see a horse (and fences) I will be thinking of you.
Good night all ... sleep well ... tomorrow is another day to enjoy life AND to post here!!! xoxo
sdpeg – glad the blood tests came out OK – if your mum’s thyroid is low that can cause poor appetite –let me know what the results are for her TSH –sometimes people have subclinical hypothyroidism and need meds but the docs don’t recognize it – Hope u get a good night’s sleep and good work on the tests! I really need to drag out my crockpot.
shawna –good recipes – glad u r getting some help –hope u get more –sounds like ur daddy was a great cook. Hope things work out for u at the veterans center - agreed - makes no sense that offspring don`t qualify –and hey I like cheap steak better than sirloin any day
ladee – G is not back –by Sunday apparently – the horses are OK and the fences are intact and the gates closed so someone let them out. Now he starts the new job Oct 17th and we don’t know if there will be contract work between now and then - nothing stays the same for long up here.Glad Marie is better. How’re the vacation plans going?
vic – sorry your muscles are sore have you tried CoQ10. I take 250 mg/day and I think it is helping. I have some energy - Yay!!! Took the list to my daughters to talk it over and she had a meltdown about something so we will talk about it tomorrow – glad I was there. Good that dad is a little more limber and calmer - looks like the sessions do him some good. Glad ur hub is coming home
stormy –always something with houses. We replaced my very old dryer (like over 25 yrs. old) last year and some bills have come down
mis –let us know how g’ma is –insulation should help. Hope the specialist can figure out something with ur legs. EMG test should be fairly easy I think but better to be careful – takes a while for the circulation to get back to normal – how long ago was the heart surgery (bypass I presume)?
annecurrey – welcome – understand where u r coming from. My sister refuses to lift a finger. I used to resent it but can’t afford the energy now so let it slide – mostly. I also have cut contact with her as she likes to find fault with me before checking out the facts. It is very hurtful and discouraging. Hope u get out sometimes – it is so important to have some time for just you! Caregiving is hard enough without that kind of #&%$. BTW ladee really does not run down the street naked –she just threatens to ;)
seeme – so good to hear from you – make sure to take your BP meds and rest and look after u!!!! catch up on ur sleep!
ros -active sometimes, not so others. G wants to climb the Himalayas and wants me to come with him though not necessarily climb - but it is good for me to have goals. Apparently the H's are more of a several day hike than a climb. Hope u get your work situation sorted out - not easy.
G is finishing off the between-contracts roofing job. His mum and dad are in their 80’s both with heart and other problems but manage very well still in their house – no dementias thankfully. He tends their garden with maybe a little help from the others but he is the self-appointed care giver out of 5 boys. Picked my grandkids up from school today to give my daughter a break and brought them a treat. They always want to come over and visit at my house but we will arrange that another time. Took another walk tonight – about 50 degrees and nice for walking –so my weekly total is 185 mins. Working on taking off 10 lbs. to get me in the right BMI range. Mother is putting things in safe places and then thinking someone has taken them – so nothing new there.
Have a good night all
Love, hugs and prayers ♥♥♥
jo
Ro, I am so sorry to hear that work is not going good for you... maybe God has a plan for you to not have to work so hard and then wait and wait to be paid... prayers for you, and angels to help with your heavy load... love ya bunches...
Jam should be heading home tomorrow, we have to let "Mother Hen" know things went well and hope she had a great time away for a few days... we love the leaving, hate the coming back.....
And emjo is right, I threaten to do A LOT of things.... keeps me sane....
hope everyone has a restful night, talk to ya'll tomorrow.... hugs across the miles to all of you...
I just wanted to thank everyone for sharing in the joy of finding a new, good dr for dad. Thank you for your concern for me and my family. Dad is going to have the thorancentitis tomorrow at 12:00. We got to be up there earlier though so we can have his cbc done to before the procedure. After that then it will be wait until next thursday for the results. I hope he will not be in any pain after having the procedure done. He has never had one of these done before so we don't know what to expect. Well i better get to bed. I will talk to ya'll tomorrow maybe when we get back from the hospital. Love and ((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))Stormyyyyyyyy
Jam, are you heading home today??? Hope we hear from you too... hope you had a good time... all your "baby chicks" behaved while you were gone, so we wanted to make you proud....lol
Everyone else, it is almost the end of the week, YE HA... no matter what, I am NOT working this Sat.... time for time off...... love ya'll and ttyl this evening....
Had the ultrasound of my carotid arteries yesterday and the tech said he didn't see any problems at all. Of course will have to wait for the radiologist to confirm that but I feel pretty good about it. Maybe my hubby and brother were right...they felt my physical symptoms were caused by anxiety and depression. Still fighting these chronic headaches, but one thing at a time.
I'm having a bit of a problem with the nursing home. My mom is adament about having her evening meal in her room, which is her right. Four times in the past couple of weeks she has called me and told me the aides had insisted she go to the dining room. Each time, I called the nurse on duty to complain, and was told it would be straightened out.Yesterday, mom called just after 3 PM and said someone (an aide, I assume) had pushed her in her wheelchair to the dining room and left her there, never saying a word, even though mom asked why she was being taken to the DR. At her NH, the aides don't push the residents anywhere, they insist the residents do it themselves. So I'm totally confused. I called the nurse and she was extremely defensive and insinuated that mom was lying. Now, I don't put it past my mom to lie to get her way, but this time I had called her room about 15 minutes before she called me and there was no answer. Plus, the other 4 times she has called me about this situation it was always true.
I'm not sure how to handle this. I am my mom's sponsor at the NH and this one thing is something I feel she should be able to control. And I think if a resident asks a question, she at least deserves a response even if she doesn't like it. But if I push it too far, I have heard the NH staff can find ways to get her put out (have her put in the hospital, and suddenly not have an available room when she's ready to come back). Maybe I'm being paranoid, maybe I'm catering too much to my mom, I don't know (I have little objectivity when it comes to mom). But it seems to me that even though she can be very difficult, even a difficult old woman should be able to feel she has control over some tiny part of her life, one hour of the day - and ought not to be jacked around like that. I even printed out a sign in bold print and posted it above her bed that she has supper in her room every night.
Any suggestions?
I hope every one of you has a better today than yesterday, and that each day continues to improve your lives. Just coming here and typing out what's going on without thinking or proofreading is a great stress-reliever for me. Thank you all!
Anxiety and depression rear their ugly heads at times. I feel that as well, especially while caring for a loved one. Anxiety causes depression, so the Bible says, (not preaching, just remembering something I heard) and we are to cast our troubles onto God (easier said than done, right?).
Recently I have been practicing what I call "teflon" ... when someone says something that is rude, insulting, derogatory to me (you get the picture) my mantra is "teflon, teflon, teflon" and I imagine that word or statement (and sometimes the person himself) sliding off a skillet like a friend egg. Ok: sounds silly and I have only started this technique (which I thought of while watching an infomercial last night) so can't say how successful this will be but at least I will try. Funny how those infomercials can be helpful from time to time.
So have a "teflon" day ... let "it" (whatever it is) slide off your skillet. And embrace the wonderful person you are!
Peg
Ladee yes I am very worried for my job. I am not working and earning enough money and if it goes on like this, I'll have to fire my 2 helpers and take care of my mother myself. Which is not a good solution for me, because I hoped I could continue to do this job during, and after my mother. And I wouldn't like to fire my two ladies who badly need to work... I feel responsible toward them and their families, too. I know you have hard times in USA, well in Italy is not certainly better.... Well, let's hope for the best!
Kisses everybody.
I'm home and unpacked already, retrieved my dogs and going through the mail. I hope everyone has played nice and I will be back in a little while to tell you all about my travels......have missed you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love and Hugz,
Jam
I see some of you are having problems, have tried to get caught up with the posts but it's slow going. Will try and get something more written tomorrow around my dental appt.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
Hey, Jam, what's with Tunica? Carol
OK dad had his thorancentitis done today. Me and sis went with him to the hospital. And after he had it done the dr. came out and talked to us. That has never happen except at duke hospital. But the dr said that dad did alright through the procedure and that he took out a liter of fluid from around his lungs, but that dad had more fluid. He said that, that was all he knew right now until he could read his blood tests results. Also after dad had his procedure done the dr wanted him to have a chest x-ray done. Dad said they took 5 pictures of him. 3 of the front of the chest and 1 on each side of him. And we had his cbc done before they took him back for the thorancentitis. The dr told us the other day that there was two different types of fluid that could be around dads lungs. One was called transudate and that means that he could have congestive heart failure. The second is called exudate- and that one could mean that the cancer has spread or that he has pneumonia. So I guess we will find out thursday what his findings are. Lord I hope he can tell us something. This is going to be one long week waiting for those results.I just pray that he can give us some answers. I guess I am just anxious and worried that he is not going to find out anything. You know when you have gone for months and months knowing something is wrong and you go from dr to dr waiting to find out something and they come back with nothing. I guess you just start wondering is this time going to be any different. I guess i just need to pray about it. That the dr will see what is wrong with him and give us some straight answers. Well, I will talk to ya'll later! Thanks for listening to me ya'll and for being my friends and for just being here for me. Love ya'll Stormyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
I hope everyone has had a good night.....except stormy is going to need a nap later today. It was nice to get away for a few days even though it consisted mostly of driving! As for Tunica, MS my advice would be if you have never been there, save your money.....I know we have been spoiled by Las Vegas, but this was not even remotely close. The highway south out of Memphis to get there is lovely and there are all these billboards advertising different casinos but you have to really watch for street names to find the ones you want. Each place is 5+ miles off the highway and there are probably 10 miles separating each one. They are surrounded by acres of cotton fields and closed small businesses. We stayed at Sam's Town...the rv park was closed off and weeds and grass were grown up around it so it's a good thing we hadn't driven ours. The hotel itself was okay, the room apparently used to be a suite, there was a room off of it with a tv jack but it was empty. We got there around 6pm, deposited suitcases and went down to check out the casino......1/4 of the machines were closed and out of service....played a little video poker and decided to go eat. Not hungry for a buffet and the snack bar was closed....it's 8pm! So find out that the leftovers from the snack bar will be taken over to the buffet at 9pm, it's now closed, and we were able to purchase a couple of tasteless sandwiches. The next morning, the hair dryer started to melt around the edges, they had given us 2 paper cups only, so coffee or water had to be used from the same cup. We started discussing just coming home, but wanted to eat at Paula Deen's buffet which is at Harrah's. So we went there for lunch, ehhh it was good, but wouldn't go out of my way to eat there again. Took a drive and got a picture of the Mississippi River.....:) Decided to head for home a day early....just couldn't stay any longer, so we started across Arkansas headed NW and just decided to stop when we wanted to.....stayed in Southern Mo and got home yesterday. It was nice to get away, but we could have bought plane tickets for the cost of gas and just gone back to Vegas.
The first thing out of the col's mouth when we got home was "I've missed you guys, let's go out to eat"! I guess she has driven the girls nuts with the incessant "let's go out" all week. She was by herself yesterday morning for maybe an hour and when Ronda got here she said she looked around and saw one of the dogs missing.....found my blind poodle wandering around the back yard all by herself.....so someone must have been trying to be helpful and then forgot her! Kind of like the 3 bowls of oatmeal she made last Sunday and I found in the fridge and on the counter. I fixed her a big supper last night and when I went down at 10 to put her to bed I found a bowl of oatmeal in the fridge.....don't know why or when she made it, but it was sometime after supper. Which brings me to the point some of you are starting to deal with...........there comes a time when it's just an impossible task to take care of our loved one at home anymore. And yes, this is something we are discussing. And GUILT has no place in this decision....why should it when you are only doing what is in the best interest of your loved one? Years ago, before "modern medicine" it wasn't anything to think about because people died relatively young. There is no shame in realizing when we can no longer do what is best for our loved one. It may take a little work and research to find the best place because we know some places are better than others, and when you find that perfect place there may be a waiting list and you have to be prepared to wait another year.....but these are trained individuals and there are more than one that will be doing what we, by ourselves, have done. I was watching the col while she was eating last night and the thought was in a NH she would have routine, which is so much easier on the demented mind, not that she doesn't have one now, but things have to be changed because of her changing mental status. She insists she can make her own meals............no she can't and hasn't for months. She insists she can walk around a mall.....no she can't, she can hardly walk anywhere. We've had to lock up all bread products or she would sit and gorge on them and did. We've had to lock up all the lotions, she was using her betamethasone as a body cream....it's a very powerful steroid that can affect the immune system, and after I put face lotion on her at night she was getting out of bed and literally globbing on more......I forgot something one night and went to check on her and her face was glowing.......huge globs on her face and up her nose. So she can't have free access anymore. There comes a time when it's no longer safe or wise to keep them at home because of......why? We enjoy watching them fade, their dignity gone, our extended family ignored, our mental and physical health affected? Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is make the decision to place them...........they are taken care of and we have the opportunity to save ourselves and still be able to love them. So please, throw GUILT out the window when it's time to do what needs to be done............I will since we are in the middle of making that decision ourselves.
Off my soapbox........into the shower.........and off to the dentist I go.....heigh ho, heigh ho................
Love and Hugz to all of you,
Jam