This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I am sorry that once again she has hurt your feelings.... but you are already on the right track by realizing she can not give you what she does not have.... easy to say, not easy to accept.... you and Faye just keep coming back and know that you are safe to say what needs to be said..... hugs across the miles to you too today...
I, too have an 84 year old mom who seemingly favors my brother. He is in control of her finances and does things from a long distance away while I cook, clean, am companion, buddy, friend, manage and monitor her meds and actually cleaned up for her yesterday when the milk of magnesia worked for her constipation (won't elaborate on that ... use your imagination).
I hear and feel your hurt. Is there justice? Maybe not. Maybe.
I, too, take her to the casinos. She has the money to spend so that's not an issue. I don't have the money to spend, that IS an issue.
We have a gardener and housekeeper so that's helpful.
I have heard her on the phone praising "golden boy" as someone called him.
He is here in town with g/f ... someone my mom does not like. I am in my room doing homework and resting after working with her all week (2 doc appts and milk of mag ok????). Also mom and I agreed that her time with him is limited and she wanted to spend it just with him which I am fine about.
Quiet honestly, my dear friend, my mom and I have never gotten along until my dad's death last Fall (2010). It has been difficult to make amends for all the years but and I am serious, it was not until I was literally flinging sh*# last night and running a warm bath for her that she saw my love. That's what it took? I have to laugh about that. Come on, laugh, it's funny!!!
How she will be after he goes back home, I don't know. I will take courses part time next semester and graduate later than I wanted to. But that's ok. I know her days are numbered (mentally or physically) and she won't be here (in cognition or physical body) and I will grieve that loss.
I have the support of most of the family but brother is a pain and that hurt you feel, I know it as well.
Any addiction that controls a person hurts those around you. An addiction to an unhealthy relationship (like my brother and my mom) or drinking, smoking, drugs, gambling, sex. It ALL hurts ... and it hurts deeply.
Happy birthday and keep posting. I feel a kinship to you as we all will as we share.
I am thankful for this group...it helps!
Peg in San Diego
Welcome Faye....glad to see you posting and happy to welcome you into our family. We look forward to getting to know you and feel free to post whatever you want.
Today has been a very long day and all I want to do is lie down.
Rossella....you just never know when that love affair will come along and sweep you off your feet....you know they say there is someone out there for everyone...it's all in them finding you. I ran in the opposite direction from Target for a couple of months....we've been together 18 yrs. Now look where I am..:)
stormy.....regardless of how sis feels, you mustn't allow Dad to miss this appt next Thursday. Even if it's news you don't feel you are ready to hear, you have to hear it because it won't go away and it won't change. We will all be with you that day, keep that in mind.
TPeg....ditto what ladee said. I had my own mini-implosion about taking care of the col by myself on the weekends and evenings.....Target stepped up to the plate, after all she is his mother.
I read something in Good Housekeeping earlier that said the key to longevity is mental happiness not an ideal body weight, so I went to the freezer and got a bowl of ice cream and immediately felt deliriously happy. Y'all should try it.....:)
I have noticed a drastic decline in the col the last couple of days. She is walking bent over, is shuffling and marching in place and can't go more than a couple of feet before she has to stop and rest. I have worked with her using her cane every time she has gotten up to walk. Took her outside this afternoon for a walk around the yard and she went about 20 ft then asked to go back to the house. And when I went downstairs to get her in jammies a little while ago, those darn moohaha's are back in the yard. Apparently there is a bare spot over the septic tank and that is where those buggers have worn the grass off walking in circles watching her. Heather has tried to tell her they are angels she asked to come and watch over her.....but she ain't buyin' it tonight.........
Here's hoping everyone has a good night. Will check in tomorrow.........
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Heather the earth angel will be there tomorrow.... then you'll REALLY be happy... love and hugs to you, and thanks again for the laugh.....
Love ya Seeme and hope you are ok this evening.....
I hear your pain and know your hurt – your mum will never change and when an addiction is involved like it sounds with the gambling for her, it comes before anything. My oldest son was a gambler, and praise God, he is recovering. It is a very tough addiction. Crying is a good release if you can do it. My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder – finally diagnosed a few years ago, but she has had it all her life. I think that is a good way to look at it –doesn’t have the where-with-all to have consideration for their children. My sister is the golden haired girl and has been from the start –sometimes I feel like Cinderella as I am the one over the years who is asked/told to do things. My sister wrote me off in her last email - so be it! I am not going back for more of that. I have found out recently – indirectly –that she and her daughter and hub are planning to travel to celebrate mothers 100th birthday next May (sis lives in Scotland). I hear about the complaints, but I have heard nothing about the celebration. It doesn’t make any sense to me and for a few minutes I was hurt but then decided it wasn’t worth it. I have been hurt so often by this kind of thing that I think I have grown callouses for self-protection. I would never have my mother in my home. I am not equipped to deal with the BPD and the narcissism. She is in an ALF, is very healthy and complains all the time how badly off she is.
There is no justice in it all –it is a sickness – so behaviour will be abnormal. It has taken me a while to accept that my mother is mentally ill, but it is important for my welfare that I do accept it and also that my sister is not someone I want much to do with, if anything. I am not saying this is easy to accept –it isn’t – but for me the point came, for my own health that I had to face it. If I were you, I would not go on a gambling excursion or anything else that drags you down and I would tell her that. Boundaries are important for your welfare – especially with an addict. Can you get any counselling? I don’t feel you are compelled to go with her. I moved my mother from her apartment into an ALF and 6 months later into another one as there was trouble in the first ALF. She enjoys change and has an unnatural amount of energy. I told her I was NOT moving her again unless it was to a NH (which she dreads) as if she could not manage in these 2 ALFs then a 3rd one was not going to work either. It nearly wrecked my health doing these moves –I was 73 and still working at a job I loved and had to retire and recently virtually cut contact with mother to allow myself to recover.and that recovery is happening slowly. Please do not let this get to the point that your health is suffering any more than it is already. You are not alone in this. Plan something nice for your birthday anyway –with a friend or even alone. Are u on face book? My face book url is on my profile. I will celebrate your birthday on Thursday any way I can. I am Christian and for me that does not mean an easy life, but that God will be with me in my trials.
(((((((hugs)))))) come back and vent - it does help -and someone may have some useful suggestions
jo
stormy - prayers honey - yes you must go to that apptmt and I understand the dread -
ros - you are a trouper - lordy i wish you could get some rest -prayers for your work and I am with jam - you can still meet the right guy - look at me - took me till I was over 70!!!
jam - I am all for ice cream - must be hard to see the col going down hill - hope you have a good day tomorrow
ladee - hope things are better with marie again - and you have a decent week
tpeg - good for you - has to happen sometimes! glad fil is better
mis - good to hear from you - had g'ma settled down at all with the zoloft?
sdpeg - I will breathe a sigh of relief with u when bro goes - ur mum should start to feel better soon with the increased dose
seeme -hi sweetie - hope u r doing Ok
starri -out there in the heavens somewhere...
john is enjoying his man cave
thinking of you all asg, burned, anyone else I have forgotten just sing out
here - well this has been the week - after getting a call from the hospital re mother on Friday -who is fine as far as I know - I got a semi-frantic call from my ex bil and ex mil on Saturday that her apartment bldg caught fire - thankfully he was there with her at the time and got her out -(mobility issues -uses a walker) and then he went in when they were allowed and got her meds, cpap etc (atrial fib, chronic heart failure, diabetes, arthritis) and took her to his place to stay. She has an end unit and the center of the building was gutted but she hopes to get back in soon. She is a real trouper and we have been friends for over 30 years now. She asked me to get in touch with my ex which I did through face book and have heard nothing back from him - not surprised. My ex mil has asked me to be sure her wishes for cremation etc are honoured when she passes as ex is not reliable and ex bil has some problems, though he does help her a lot. Oh well - so it goes. Gary mentioned something about coming home tonight but I am not counting on it - he was roofing and there was wind so he may be behind. I will see him when I see him. The steady job is coming up soon enough and I will have a lot of suppers to cook then! Kind of enjoying the quiet.
Love, hugs and prayers♥♥♥
jo
Family dynamics can rip us to shreds at times and no it doesn't always make sense, but there comes a time when you have to stand up for yourself and give yourself a break. I take it Mom is responsible for herself? Then she can do what she wants, when she wants. Next time, let her go alone and you take time to do things for you. Besides, I imagine you could use the break. If Mom's balance is off it isn't keeping her housebound, so use the time to your advantage. Has Mom had a medical evaluation lately? Perhaps she is dealing with some mental status changes that are causing her to act like she is. I know it hurts to be doing all the work and not getting any sort of consideration or recognition for it. Sometimes you just have to square your shoulders and decide that your life will be lived for yourself and stop killing yourself over something you cannot change. Come back and visit with us when you need to.......we are very good listeners.
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Went to see mom @ the NH on Saturday and talked with the supervising nurse, since Social Services never called me back. I hope we have the meals problem solved. My brother (I'm sorry, this is funny even though his intentions were good) called someone @ the NH and asked if someone would wheel mom out on the porch and sit with her for an hour or so. Bwahahahahaha! No bro, they won't - but they'll tell you they will. Guess what? They didn't.
At any rate, I'm working through a book about depression as well as a site about anxiety and I'm hoping that will help ME. You all have encouraged me so much, and I'm working so hard at not letting my mom manipulate or guilt me into doing what she wants. Even the NH workers say she is spoiled rotten.
My chronic headaches continue, and I learned a couple of days ago that 71% of liver failure is due to overuse of Tylenol. I've switched over to ibuprofen but I know that's tough on my stomach. Think I'll call my dr's office today to see if I can get a prescription for something for pain until we can see if the anti-seizure meds are going to work. Sometimes I feel like just ramming my head into a wall. It hurts so bad sometimes, I just break down crying. OTC's are not cutting it.
Now, off to see what I can do with this day. It may be nothing more than tidying up after having company all day yesterday and going through mom's mail, but that stuff does have to be done. The rest can wait. ;-]
Hugs to you all!
Sonny goes to his "dementia Dr" today,(that's what Marie calls him)... I know I will have to call the daughter and find out what is going on because I doubt I will get a straight answer out of Marie.... I have realized that when she takes her meds for her hip, she is nice for about an hour, then BOOM... so I watch the clock and plan my day around BOOM time..... ya'll want to hear something funny.... she bitched and complained the 'other' pain pills were not working and causing her to be constipated.... got me to get her med box out, she is now taking the EXACT same meds and having no problems at all... now ya'll tell me, is this lady just needing something to bitch about or what.....No way was I going to tell her it was the same thing..... What ever gets her thru the day and I have some peace......
sonny and I sat and watched the birds this morning while it was cool.... it seems to be the only time he really relaxes is when we are outside.....
My little house looks like a bomb went off in it,,, BUT, I am going to take a nap first, the mess will still be here as Spaz says.......
More later.....
Afternoon to you Jam, Starri, ASG, and everyone else... after I get used to ya'll being here I'll name everyone....
Everyone is invited over for dinner !!!!!! The damn frig in the garage died and thawed out $300-$400 worth of Omaha steaks......someone has to bring over the ice cream....preferably Breyers natural vanilla.........Kathy will be picking some up for her dinner, too........had all kinds of plans for today and cleaning out one frig to pack up the other wasn't on my list.......oh, well....just wouldn't be the same if I wasn't bitchin about something......Cmag can take over the grill........
It was nice to hear from Ladee this AM first thing. Bless her heart and I mean that in a good way. I haven't caught up on all the reading, so I hope I don't scare the Pegs, Faye, Heart and Spaz away. Jam and I couldn't get it together while I was in Illinois. Never enough time. Still gonna try to do some of the things I planned to get done. Can't get my puppies until early next year. Old English Sheepdogs for me....YIPPEE!! We are so lonely for puppies that we are getting 2....we would just squish the breath out of one, so we will get boy and girl. Thinking of naming them Sunny and Shadow.....unless ya'll can think of some good names........
Kathy will be getting here soon, so later....................
Did she get to watch the movie????
So guess the "man cave" is finished, got everything put up where you want it???? You deserve a place of your own to go and relax...... was hoping you would post soon, told the new ladies we had a gentleman on here, now they will believe me..... let us know if the Dr. gets it together...... hugs to you, your wife and your mom.....
seeme...........so happy to read from you.........have missed you terribly! Told ladee that we are going to descend on her next late Spring or Summer...........I bet she thinks I'm not serious....she'd better be finding something for us to do.....:)
Today has been a rare day of doing absolutely nothing........well I did walk down to the mailbox. Talked with Heather a lot today and she has noticed the decline in the col. She has been very subdued today and has been dwelling on how she isn't going to live long. Usually when I pop my head in the door to say hello she will say something or say let's go out.....today she just looked at me and said "oh hi" then went back to tv. Maybe she discovered I locked HLN and CNN on her tv. After I asked Heather to watch she has noticed that when the tv is on either one of those channels the col is unhappy, grouchy, in a general nasty mood......at least now I know I wasn't imagining it. I've been looking for a lift chair and finally found one today and it was only $489......what a bargain! Should be here in 10 days. We are also going to install an alarm in the entryway into the col's living room from the hallway, that way we know when she is getting up at 0-dark thirty to make coffee. She has been making cups and setting them down in the bedroom, one in the living room.....guess she has turned into a 2-fisted drinker.....:) I didn't even have to make her dinner tonight! Target fixed her a steak and served her and stayed with her while she ate!!!!!! It's time now to put her in jammies and that's my job.
So I hope everyone has a wonderful, peaceful night.............
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
After many years of working with Alz. patients, all I can say is that it is as individual as the person who has it..... so no wonder what works for some will not work for others..... Ruth was a wild woman, Sonny is a sweetie(don't know how long this will last) Joyce was the most vain and stubborn woman... So nothing works all the time, some things never work, and some you just want to throw your hands up and say to hell with it, if only for awhile, while you take a mental break, regroup, change pants, clean poop off the walls, pick the food up off the floor, hide the knives, put the sugar where it can't be reached... and on and on and on...... but if not us, who? At least most of the time, we know we did the best we could, sometimes it is time for placement, sometimes it is sticking around until the end... every person, every situation is different.... I hate this disease of Alz..... I hate it......
God Bless you all and i will write later. love you all
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Dad did ok today, but there was several times today when he had some blood tinged mucus coming out of his trach and then a small blood clot came out of there. Then he spit in a paper towel and it was light pink and he had not eaten anything red or pink. All day long I was tripping out when he would cough because i was scared that he was going to have more blood coming out of somewhere and i can only imagine what was going through his brain. I hate to say this but i just feel that this cancer has spread to his lungs and maybe his bones. Today he moved his leg and it just looked like it hurt him. And then his shoulders hurt sometimes. Today when he went to the bathroom he was almost limping. He still has the swollen lymph nodes under his neck and under his arms. So that has been over a month with s.l.n.'s. And i don't think congestive heart failure causes swollen lymph nodes because that is what my mom died of and i never saw those on her. And the poor thing that neck of his is so red it looks like he has been through radiation of the neck again and he has not. Sis called the ENT dr today and told him about his neck being so red and tender and that he has a ulcer under the trach plate and they were suppose to call her back and tell her when to bring dad in but they didn't but the receptionist did tell sis that she told the dr and that he was very backed up today so maybe tomorrow he can see dad. Even dads collarbone looked swollen to me where it is red. I'm just scared that infection has gone to his bones or something like that. And this morning when i started cleaning his neck the pad that was under his trach plate was stuck to the ulcer and i had a time trying to get it unstuck and when i did it started bleeding. I told sis we cant put any more pads under there cause it is not helping its only making it worse. Well i guess we will see what all happens tomorrow. Still waiting on thursday. Scared something is going to come up and we won't be able to make the appt. that is how our luck goes these days. Love and hugs Stormyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Today was a VERY good day with mom. Today was bill paying day so we got up about 9 .. but it was raining so told mom unless it stops we aren't going anywhere .. nope nope. So about 1 the rain stopped sister called to say she was coming over to pay for her plastic halloween mugs which was good. Got mom ready for the day got her outside it was a tad chilly but nice got her in her nice warm coat sis came paid me and off mom and I went. Walked to the one store got my cold meds BOY i feel better. Then we had lunch at subway mom had chicken teryaki and ate the whole thing no mess no fuss and had a soda. We then headed to mail out a package to oz that had to be replaced for two mugs that got broken in shipment. Then called a cab and headed to walmart to pay bills and do a bit of shopping. Mom got herself some more evergreen cedar candles that came in a set, got her pads and other things we needed. It was getting late so called E who said she was home already so I told her to forget it and walked home cause i wasn't paying 8 bucks for a cab to get home. So got home around 7 then niece called to say she needed to go to the store ... off we went again mom got settled in the house and I went and got somethings we forgot got home got her settled in jammies and relaxed for the night. She made me cry tonight though it was a good cry though ... as i was getting her ready for bed she said you know ... if it weren't for you I wouldn't have anyone to take care of me I love you ya know that. I told her I love her too. We also when we went to Walmart my sole fell off on my sneaker i mean as in literally fell in to tatters. Mom looked at me and pointed towards the sneaker section said LETS go there.. I took her over .. she was very firm and told me to pick a pair of sneakers .. i said nope .. she said yes ... lol finaly she had the sales assistant come over sit me down and find shoes in my size then told her to take her card and ring it up so that I couldn't say no lol... so I have a nice pair of low priced sneakers I talked her out of the 30 dollar ones and got the nice 13 dollar ones . In other news E's boyfriend is firmly out of the picture .. so not sure if I have to watch the kids Thursdays or not.
54 I am so sorry to hear about your husband its sad to see what happens to our loved ones. I guess I should be thankful that Daddy passed when he did I don't think I could handle seeing him decline like mom. He was vital right up to the week before he passed away. An abcessed tooth he left unchecked and infected got into his blood stream that and he was a very bad smoker.
Jam Sorry to hear about col declining it must be very hard to see her like that and not driving you crazy like usual. My heart love and prayers are with ya ...
On a side note ... can I slap the post office in the head. I told them I needed large priority mail boxes .. what do they send me the military ones which i CAN"T USE so I can't ship out ladee's box yet ... oy vey..
Hope it's been a great day for all of you............passing along that we haven't heard from starri as she doesn't have Internet right now. Hope that is alleviated soon.....missing that girl!!!!
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam